Is he perhaps… my lover or something?

Y-yes... Yes, he is.

He is your boyfriend.

Eric massaged his temple with his left hand as his other hand was holding some snacks for his boyfriend. He doesn’t know how everything turned out like this. Not that he was complaining, but at least he planned to talk to Hyesung properly and communicate all of his feelings. However, it seems like Hyesung got confused and thought they were still lovers.

As far as Eric can understand, what happened is systematized amnesia. It is a kind of dissociative amnesia where one forgets all the past memories towards a specific person.

Eric shook his head and tried to clear his mind. Ah let’s stop thinking about it for now...Filling Hyesung’s stomach is the most important at the moment. Eric walks faster, thinking that the pretty man may be hungry by now. He was about to reach out for the doorknob of Hyesung’s room in the hospital when he heard him talking to someone.

“Eric-sshi? I got hungry so he went outside to get me something to eat.”

Eric heard it once again. Hyesung calling him “Eric-sshi”. He remembered their conversation earlier this morning.

***

Eric felt a bead of sweat trickled down from his temple. He is completely aware of the fact that a pair of beautiful fox-like eyes were staring at him. He noticed Hyesung will look at him then put his hand in his heart, clench his fist then shook his head.

He felt like something was bothering Hyesung, and he knows that it is because of his presence.

“What is it?” Eric asked him in a gentle manner but still startled the other.

“E.. Eric... Eric-sshi? C-can I call you that?” Hyesungasked nervously.

“Hmm?” Eric was shocked with the sudden question.

“It’s just that... b-because... uhmm... I know we’re lovers... b-but... can’t remember anything... ” Hyesunglooks away from Eric and starts to mumble. The atmosphere between them is awkward.

“It’s okay, no worries.” Eric lied. It’s definitely not okay. It feels like Hyesung is setting a distance between them. It is like they are back from square one. But he deserved it. He was the one who took him for granted afterall.

They way Hyesung called him before was full of love and warmth.

‘Eric~’

‘Eric-ah. I’ve made it for you’

‘I love you. Eric-ah’

But now, it sounds so monotonous and dull.

“Eric-sshi?”

Hyesung calls Eric once again but the said man was staring into an empty space.”Eric-sshi!”

“Hmm? Yes?” Eric was startled. He didn’t realize he was already preoccupied with his own thought.

“Uhmm...”

“Are you perhaps... feeling uncomfortable because I’m here? I could just go outside and call our friends instead.” He said it in a calm manner showing that it is really alright for him to step outside if Hyesung wants it that way.

“No it’s not that...It’s just...” Hyesung pouts then points at his stomach. “I’m hungry.”

“What do you want to eat then?” Eric asked and Hyesung smiled right away.

***

Eric took a peek from the small window of the room and there he saw Junjin wrapping his arms around Hyesung’s waist. He was sitting near the patient’s bed with his head resting on his brother’s lap. Meanwhile, the older brother was leaning his back on a pillow with his hand gently patting his younger brother’s hair.

“Hyung...” Junjin raised his head and faced his brother. “Did you just called him formally?”

Hyesung bowed his head suddenly feeling ashamed. “Is it weird if I called him that way? It’s because truthfully I can’t remember him and feels like it’s just the first time we met each other.” Hyesung fidgets with his hands. “I asked him earlier if it was okay and he said yes.” He bowed his head then asked his brother. “I’m actually making things uncomfortable, aren’t I?”

“No... If he told you that it’s okay, then if it’s fine. Call him whatever you are comfortable Hyung.” Junjin reassures.

The siblings became quiet for a moment, and then Junjin break the silence by asking his Hyung for the second time. “Hyung? If you really can’t remember him then why did you say that—” Junjin stop at his sentence then find for better words to use. “I mean... how did you know that he is your lover?”

Hyesung stared at an empty space and the tone his voice was melancholy. “It seems like my brain can’t remember him but my body knows something.” He shifted his gaze to his younger brother. “It’s hard to explain but that thought came into my mind when I felt how my heart my beating so fast the moment I saw him. It seems like he’s the person that I long for, like I’ve been waiting for ages to see him again.How my body react to him and how my chest aches so much, I knew that it was out of love. Then suddenly I felt so scared... I tried to remember who he was but I can’t. That time I realized, if I got scared at the thought that I will won’t be able to remember him then it means that the memories I had with him is dear to me.”

That’s right. Everything that Hyesung told his brother is from his deepest sincerity. Even if he can’t remember, he knows that Eric is someone dear to him... it’s just that somehow he felt something strange about it. It feels like there is something that he didn’t know or rather... had forgotten about.

Hyesung hissed. “Am I making sense Jinnie?” His younger brother could only just nod slowly. “Come to think of it, he is the first one I saw when I woke up.” Hyesung closes his eyes as if he was remembering something. “I was in a complete darkness that time. No matter where I shifted my gaze, every corner was pitch black. But then I heard a voice, someone who was desperately crying. I heard him call my name. I can also hear him saying ‘I love you’ and ‘I miss you.“

Hyesung continued, still with his eyes closed. “There’s sadness in his voice that makes me want to comfort him so I tried to follow where his voice is coming from. I saw a dim light and it looks exactly like when you are inside a tunnel. The light became brighter as I follow his voice. Then I woke up.” Hyesung opens his eyes as he said those words then smiled at his brother. “You know what’s odd about it? Usually you will panic if you see a stranger’s face the moment you wake up. But when I saw him... it felt like home.”

Hyesung sighed as he stared at the window of the hospital room.“Why the long face Hyung? Do you feel pain or anything?”Junjin asked worriedly.

The older brother smiled bitterly and said, “Nothing it’s just... Just...” Hyesung sighed. “Jinnie, do you think I will be able to regain my memory?”

Junjin got surprised by his brother’s question. Truthfully speaking, he wants his brother to forget about Eric and move on. He wants for his older brother to erase everything he had with Eric... but not this kind of way. Not seeing his brother feeling hopeless and crying because of it.

He held his older brother’s hands. “Of course hyung.” Junjin added to reassure his brother. “The doctor said that it’s just temporary.”

Hyesung nodded believing his little brother’s words. “Really? I’m so glad then. I want to remember him right away, not only for me but also for him.”

Junjin’s eyebrows furrowed. He was afraid that his hunch is right. There’s no way...

“Why?” Junjin asked.

“Because there’s something in his eyes that tells me that this whole situation is painful for him.” Hyesung answered.

“So you can easily say that you love him even if you can’t remember him?” Junjin asked his brother nonchalantly.

“E-eh? No... I mean... I d-don’t know.” That question caught Hyesung off guard. His cheeks turned red and he bowed his head. “I can’t remember anything about him, he’s like a stranger to me... but at times like right now, when he went outside and my eyes can’t find him, I can’t help but ask myself ‘where is he?’ and ‘he should be back right now, what’s taking him so long ? ’

And that’s it. Unfortunately, his hunch was right. No matter what happened. No matter what it takes. No matter how his brother will deny it. Even if he will erase, let go and forget all his memories with Eric, his heart would always stay the same. His brother will always think of him, will always continue caring for him... will always love him.

Stupid hyung.

Junjin can’t do anything about it. He could only just click his tongue. “So you miss him? I’m here beside you and you’re thinking of someone else? Eyy that’s it! I’m leaving.” He pouts and tried to be adorable in front of his older brother.

Hyesung smiled at his brother’s expression. He hugged him and said, “So you’re jealous now, Jinnie? Haha don’t worry, you will always be my baby.”

Junjin hugged his brother back, bringing his face to his brother’s tummy. He heard how his mommy bird’s stomach grumbled. “Nah hyung! You don’t miss him. It’s just your stomach who misses eating!” Junjin laughs.

“Jinnie...”

“Hmm?”

“Everything I said to you, don’t tell Eric-sshi okay?”

Junjin didn’t say anything. I don’t even want to talk to him. He thinks.

Then it became quiet inside the room. Eric can’t actually hear clearly what the two siblings are talking about. Well, he didn’t plan to eavesdrop anyway. However, when it became quiet he thinks that it is now the right moment to step inside. He saw how Hyesung’s face light up after seeing him with a bag of food.

“I’ve brought what you want.” Eric placed the paper bag in front of Hyesung and opened it for him.

Hyesung stared at the man in front of him. “Thank you Eric-sshi.”

Pain.

That’s the only thing Eric felt when he heard his name. That dull and empty feeling. He sat on a chair beside Junjin but leaving a comfortable distance for the three of them inside of the room.

Hyesung is no different either. The heavy feeling in his chest was back the moment he saw Eric appeared in front of him. That is also what he felt earlier this morning, he would stare at Eric then clench his fist on his chest because it’s painful. He doesn’t know why but he always felt like crying everytime he see the other man. It felt like something was missing, there is a critical information that he can’t remember. And that is how he asked Eric if he can call him formally, he needs to set a distance first since he decided to remember it on his own.

“Yah yah yah!! Why kimbap? Aren’t you supposed to eat soft foods, like soup?” Junjin was in his protective mode.

His brother was recovering fast even after being in a prolonged state of unconsciousness. It was a good thing that it was not something too serious that needs a physical therapy. Still, Junjin can’t help to become very cafeful in front of his brother.

“Hmmm uhmmm” Hyesung shook his head while busily munching the food. “I was craving for it so Eric-sshi asked the doctor first thing in the morning if it’s okay for me to eat this kind of food and they said yes.” Hyesung smiled once again.

Hyesung was eating quietly when Junjin panicked when he saw tears falling from his brother’s eyes.

“Hyung! Are you okay? Does something hurt? Tell me.”

The older brother shook his head. “No... it’s just that...” He wipes the tears from his eyes. “Eric-sshi... you put a lot of sesame oil and sesame seeds in my kimbap.”

Eric stood up. “You don’t like it? I’m sorry, I’ll just go buy another one.” He was ready to take that long walk again from a store just buy what the other man wants.

“No...no...I love it...so much. I’m just so happy that you even know what I like. Did you asked the owner to put a lot? Thank you so much!” Hyesung wiped the tears from his eyes but it only made him cry even more.

“Ahh I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” Hyesung sniffled. He brushed his hair with his fingers. Why he is crying right now is something that he doesn’t understand. He feels sad... and happy at the same time. “I should ask the doctor if there’s something wrong with my lacrimal glands. Crying over small thing and making a big deal over a stupid ingredient, you might think I’m crazy, Eric-sshi. I’m sorry.”

Junjin took a tissue then give it to his brother. “Don’t mind about what he thinks about you.” He glared at Eric. “He’s the reason for your tears in the first place anyway.”

Eric knew what Junjin was talking about and he felt so guilty about it. It happened that day after their anniversary when Junjin visited their apartment.

***

“Jinnie, please...One way or another... it will work.”

“What if it doesn’t?”

“I’ll make sure that you will leave him when it happened.” Junjin said in a serious tone, more like a threat.

After Junjin said those words, the two brothers heard a rustling sound from the entrance of the apartment.

“Eric is here!” Hyesung panicked. “Jinnie please... Please pretend you know nothing about it.”

Junjin was about to refuse but unable to do so because of his brother.

“Jinnie, I’m begging you... please?” Junjin could only sigh and clench his fist.

Eric went home after buying for some snack. Hyesung set the food in the table for the three of them to eat.

It was kimbap! Hyesung clapped his hand like a seal but soon his smile fades away when he realized something. “Eric-ah you didn’t put enough sesame oil and sesame seeds into the kimbap.”

Eric got annoyed with those words. “And why would I do that?”

“It’s because it is my favourite. You know how I like it so much.” Hyesung answered with a sulky voice.

“It depends on the store owner how much she will put that 'special' ingredient of yours.”

“But you can ask the shop owner if you just want to and pay for an additional maybe. So... even after not doing anything in our anniversary, you will not make a little effort for the thing I like huh.” Hyesung murmured.

“So you don’t like it?” Eric didn’t know why Hyesung is making a big deal about that stupid ingredient. It’s making him mad for some reasons.

“No! Of course I like it since you bought it—” Hyesung’s sentence was cut when Eric took the kimbap away from Hyesung.

“Then don’t eat it.”

“Yah! Eric-ah I’m still eating.” Hyesung was trying to reach Eric’s hands.

“Not anymore.” Eric threw the food in the trash bin then walked away.

“This bastard really!” Junjin hits the table and ready to punch Eric when Hyesung stopped.

“Don’t. It’s my fault anyway for being too picky.” Hyesung tried to calm his brother.

However, Hyesung is the one who can’t control himself, he was digging his nail through his skin to stop his tears from falling. It was his fault in the first place for expecting Eric would atleast make an effort for him. He wants to hold on a hope that through small things, he will be able to see if Eric loves him back. But now, he knows the answer... it will never happen. Eric will never make an effort to do the things he like. And to love him back... It was just all in Hyesung’s wildest dreams.

“But isn’t it better this way? You can just share me your kimbap. Ahhh~” He opened his mouth so that his younger brother would fed him instead of causing any trouble. Junjin just let what his older brother like and feed him.

But one thing’s for sure that he wouldn’t let it slide. So that’s what happened! Before Junjin left their apartment he intentionally bumped Eric near the door. He grabbed Eric’s collar then threatened him. “I know everything! I know how you were treating my brother so unkindly. I’m a bit surprised that you didn’t even hide that from me.”

Junjin gritted his teeth, he was controlling himself not to hit Eric right in the face because he is an older brother and his sibling wouldn’t like it for sure. “Mark my words... One day, you will lose my brother. I will make sure that he will leave you if keep on doing that to him. And if it happens, you will finally learn you lesson. I will make sure you regret it so badly for taking my brother for granted.”

Not waiting for any response, Junjin let go of Eric’s collar then left the apartment.

***

“Jinnie” Eric broke the silence. “Can we talk?”

Junjin didn’t answer nor look at Eric in the eye.

“Just the two of us?” Eric glanced towards Hyesung asking for permission, then back to Junjin when Hyesung nodded.

Reminiscing about everything made Junjin angry. Now he wanted to talk, how dare him. He have no plans of talking to him. He hates him, after what he did to his brother. He clenched his fist, having the urge to punch him.

But then a warm hand touched his clenched fist, it was his brother, probably aware of his change of expression. If weren’t for his brother he would punch Eric right at the moment. But after looking at his brother’s worried expression, he knows that he shouldn’t create chaos in front his brother. He just recovered and Junjin doesn’t want to stress him too much.

“We have nothing to talk about.” He reassures his brother that there’s nothing wrong and he doesn’t have to worry about it. “If we talk just the two of us you will be alone in this room and I don’t want that.” Junjin was avoiding to look at Eric and only talking to his brother.

Hyesung laughed and took Junjin’s hand off his hair. “What am I? A kid who can’t be alone?” Hyesung chuckles. “It’s okay Jinnie, go and talk to him. It must be something important.”

“For sure it is not important. Probably it is just all about one’s stupidity and life regrets.” Junjin shrugged, still not looking at Eric. “Don’t worry about it. There is nothing more important than you, Hyung. I won’t leave this room until someone would be here to look out for you okay?” He told his brother. It’s not like he was only saying that as an excuse not to talk to Eric. It is true that he cannot take his eyes off from his brother even for a second. 

However, as they heard rustling sounds from the door, Junjin knew... He should’ve said a greater excuse.

“We’re back~” Dongwan greeted as he stepped in to the room. “You guys miss me?”

“Why are you even here? Go away!” Junjin shooed his friends.

“Yah! We just came here, why are you sending us away?” Minwoo complained with his hands in his waist.

Hyesung looks at his brother and gave him nod as if saying ‘It’s okay now, go talk to him.’

​​​​Junjin have no choice but just curse at the unfortunate timing.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Hope you had a nice weekend and have a great day ahead. See you on the next chapter.