My Sanctuary

I, Kim Taehyung, do not like Bae Joohyun.

Must I explain why in crucial but limited detail?

She's my best friend; there's not much else to it than that.

Believe me, I've given it plenty of necessary thought.

First, let us start with how that night ended. You know, after the lasting effects of the fireworks display subsided, our hearts now filled with overwhelming content, and it was up to the both of us to untangle ourselves from a not-so-romantic embrace.

Question is, who was the one that casually (and totally not awkwardly) let go of the other first?

I know what you must be thinking: since I didn't want to be dragged out of my own wonderful reverie and get placed back into a sad reality, it was up to Joohyun to initiate the first move.

If that's at all accurate, you're not wrong!

She was halfway out of my arms to begin with, so upon noticing that I was hopelessly bound to a humiliating trance—one that was very questionable, indeed—she stepped back. I was only spellbound while I was looking at her, so as soon as she moved away, it was like someone snapped their own fingers, resurrecting my poor soul from drowning in a pool of lovey-dovey realizations.

Now, that's frightening.

What was also horrifying was the ride down in the glass elevator. Every time I thought about it, I physically shiver. No, it wasn't because I was afraid of that brittle encasement shattering and we'd free fall to an imminent death, but because I was so, so sure that I had feelings for my best friend.

We exited the elevator, caught up with our nosy friends, and told them about the experience (minus the hug because we'd hear no end to it).

While this went on, I'd steal random glances her way; to test myself; to see what sort of affect she had on my body and my will to think. More so, to figure out if I'm right, wrong, or if it's all just in my head.

The entire time, Joohyun was quieter than usual, like she had a head full of thoughts to accommodate. Don't get me wrong; she was acting like herself, but much more solemn and secluded—almost like I was.

This caused us to receive a few weird looks from some of the others, but nothing too bothersome, like actual questions. That was the last thing I needed, given the handful that are already pestering me and my ability to focus on the present.

Though, once we separated from the group and resumed our partnership-hijinks to end off the eventful night, the air around us never turned uncomfortable or awkward. It wasn't like I was expecting us to suddenly become weird around each other, simply because I was in the unknown about whether I have feelings for her or not.

And to be realistic, nothing out of the ordinary occurred between us.

Although internal, brow-lifting questions managed to stand out to me, it was likely one-sided.

During the last leg of our spooky adventures, we swung around that familiar candy shop that she had mentioned about earlier in the day.

She was full of excitement, and curiosity, and somehow, her smile doubled in attraction.

Her and I left with our own custom variety packs of candy in our palms—ones that I had bought for each of us.

Because it was getting late and we were about to leave the park, I recalled that I hadn't bought her ice cream in return for defeating me at that basketball match. I promised that I'd get her some later this week.

That same night, we rode the bus home together—calmly, may I add. No handholding for comfort and reassurance, either.

Since it was a Saturday and the night was still somewhat young, some of the others wanted to go to the Karaoke House, but Joohyun was too exhausted to join. Frankly, so was I.

After we got off the bus, that was when I had realized that she was walking on a partial yet noticeable limp.

Once I had asked what was wrong, she revealed that she hurt her ankle during our escape through the hedge maze. For whatever reason, she purposely hid it from me and managed to cover it up well.

With this acknowledged, I figured that I'd be undeserving of the 'greatest best friend' title (sorry, Bogum) if I didn't make the effort to aid her on the short journey to the front door.

So, after several complaints, I had carefully slung an arm around her waist while she threw her own over my shoulder. Now, I was surprisingly unaffected by our closeness, and it seemed that my concern for her well-being had combatted it.

Since her mother hadn't been home, Joohyun generously invited me inside for some late-night hot chocolate (it was around ten, I believe). I hadn't declined the offer due to the sudden craving.

It had also hit me that that was the first time I visited with no one else around. Usually, whether it was to study or just hang out together, her mother was always there. On the other hand, as we all know, her father was never, ever around. There were old family photographs either hung up on the walls or set up on the counters, but no recent ones.

None with Hoseok, either.

Once we finished preparing the beverages and initiated the brewing cycle, we made our way upstairs. She had gone to the restroom to change into something more comfortable, abandoning the stellar Wonder Woman costume she wore all night. As she was busy doing so, I entered her generic-looking bedroom, one I had seen a few times before, and made myself at home. With all the floating thoughts I tried so hard to set aside, I used the plain contents of her room as a distraction.

Joohyun wasn't much of a decorator. The interior layout was standard in appearance—just overtly sophisticated and tidy. Of course, it wasn't like I expected a bunch of different posters of her favorite artists or bands, but damn, to see some splash of character wasn't out of the question, either. In every degree I turned, there were books, books, and more books stacked or lined up on shelves surrounding her work-desk. That was as limited as the variety got, besides a couple of random picture frames scattered around her room.

(To be fair, I shouldn't be talking. My room hadn't looked all that different from hers).

Soon after, Joohyun returned in a long-sleeved pajama set, exclusively cluttered with cartoonish bunnies.

"Nice pajamas," I teased, biting back a laugh.

She sighed. "I knew you'd make fun of me."

"Pretty sure I just complimented you."

"With that funny look on your face? Doubt it."

It was anything but a lie. Yeah, I enjoy embarrassing the out of her but one thing was true: she looked downright adorable.

"Don't worry about the hot chocolate. I'll go get it." My eyes landed on her ankle. She had sat at the edge of her bed to relax, but now that the hot chocolate was ready for sipping and drinking, she wanted to head down and fetch it for us. Hell, I wasn't going to let her do anything with that limp of hers.

"With how much pain I've endured tonight, I think I'll be fine walking the short distance downstairs." I had tuned out her fortieth excuse of the night as I stood up from her desk-chair. "Besides, I know where everything is. It'll be much easier if I—"

"You're not changing my mind." I shook my head. "Now, lay down and relax. I'll be back in a jiffy."

Thinking about it now, I could almost laugh. It was a kitchen, for Christ's sake. There were only so many cabinets and compartments before you start running into the plates, the cups, and then the pantry that accompanied mushy, jumbo-sized marshmallows.

When I returned with two cups of steaming hot chocolate and a bag of frozen, chopped-up carrots for her ankle, I was grateful to find that she had listened to me, after all. She laid over her comforter, not bothering to mess up her perfectly made bed just yet. Against the headboard was an obnoxious row of pillows supporting her back, allowing her to sit upright. Her eyelids were fluttered shut but it was clear that exhaustion hadn't consumed her. Because as soon as I took a seat, her eyes quickly opened.

A contagious yet much-needed yawn left my lips—one that I couldn't help but mimic from her.

"You really should rest." I smiled slightly, setting the cup down on her bedside table.

Barely listening, Joohyun nodded her head nimbly, scooped the mug into her beautiful hands, and brought the brim of the cup to her lips. I watched her delay the sip she'd take. Instead, she responded.

"Will do, but not until I finish this." Rising steam had traveled up to her nose, the sweet, chocolatey scent wafting and greeting her senses. I mirrored her movements to let the warmth consume me as well. It was nice and refreshing, greatly countering the freezing temperature outdoors. Then, she wrinkled her nose. "And take a shower."

"Glad you didn't forget that last part."

"What's that supposed to mean?" She narrowed her eyes.

"Oh, nothing specifically." I had been messing with her, after all. Pushing her buttons was a natural mechanism.

"You really are an , you know that?"

I snickered. "Isn't honesty the best quality?"

She waved a dismissive hand at me and the subject we were on, bidding it away.

Following that playful conversation, Joohyun and I proceeded to enjoy the contents of our beverages in silence. From time-to-time, I had watched her leisurely, not only because I was distracted by how beautiful she looked after a strenuous day, but because my mind wouldn't stop reeling about other very important matters. More so, the scary yet wonderful reminder of that single moment we had under the shining stars, the full moon, and the ecstatic, flashing lights.

The more I had stared, the more I had realized that I was in deeper than before.

I remembered thinking,

, do I like her or not?

"What's with the bag of frozen carrots?" She had asked skeptically, gesturing towards it.

"Oh, I almost forgot. It's for your ankle." I had gulped down the rest of the drink and placed it beside hers on the table. Then, I retrieved the bag of carrots, rolled up to her bedside, and leant it out to her. "I would've bagged some ice instead but since I'm not entirely sure where the ziplock bags are, I figured some unused frozen vegetables would do the trick."

"You really didn't have to—" She had paused, knowing that she shouldn't dare finish that sentence. Judging by the funny look on her face, she had been thinking of more ways to implicate that she's fine or in perfect condition. Not like anything would've worked on me. As if she had known what I'd say next, she shook her head and sighed in contentment. "Thank you. Weirdo."

I snorted at the necessary insult she added in.

"Yeah, yeah. Don't get used to it." It had also been amusing to see that she took any subtle act of kindness as an out-of-the-ordinary experience. "I'm helping you this once because your ankle is ed, and a very, very small part of me feels bad."

It's like I can visualize it now, as she feigned a convincing pout and protested: "Yeah. The small part of you that actually likes me, rather."

Jesus Christ. Talk about sweat-inducing. If that hadn't made me gulp down a bowling ball of nervousness, then nothing in the universe would've had the capability to.

"Oh, cry me a river." I successfully played off my inner turmoil and rolled my eyes, receiving a laugh in return.

I knew dragging each other through the mud like that was for s and giggles, but goddamn, could that have been any more fitting for the catastrophic disaster that my poor mind and heart was going through?

A temporary distraction was necessary, so I jumped out of my seat and gathered our used cups.

"Thanks for the hot chocolate. I'll be heading downstairs to wash these before I get going."

Before I was able to side-step towards the door, she said:

"You don't have to do that. Seriously. I can do it myself."

"I know, you can," I argued. "But you're not getting out of bed, so that's why I'm doing it for you."

It had been pointless to refute.

"Geez, you are incredibly stubborn today." As are you! "Didn't think you cared about my well-being that much."

"First off, don't get ahead of yourself. Secondly, if you actually listened, then I wouldn't have to be so stubborn." I smiled sarcastically.

"Whatever." She had rolled her eyes, and that was a cue for my sarcastic smile to turn genuine. "So, are you leaving right now?"

The way she uttered those words; it was as if a vivid blend of dismay and disappointment had been dragged through the tone of her voice.

"Figured I should check in with Aunt Kim." That wasn't what she wanted to hear. "She tends to worry about me."

"Yeah. Totally. I just..." My eyes had flicked across her hesitant features, like she was deciphering what to say next. She bit her bottom lip with an insane degree of attractiveness, before further suggesting, "I know that it may be late and all, but is it okay if you could stay with me a little while longer?"

I hadn't asked why she wanted me to, nor did I give her another one of my sly responses.

But as I finish reminiscing upon that oh-so-puzzling night, I sigh dramatically aloud. That girl was not making it easy for me or my sanity. There's no mistaking the tons of built-up anxiousness that visited me whenever I would take a single glimpse of her or when I'd ponder about those inviting words that left her lips.

Did I agree to stay with her that night?

Yes.

It was too prolonged for my own good, especially when there was that continuous reminder of:

You like her. You like her. You like her.

Then it'd be followed by another cryptic thought:

Jimin was right all along.

Amidst all the inward chaos, the persistent inner questioning, and the growing fear inside me, I forced myself to sleep it over and let my mind recuperate for the weekend. Nope, no musing over the what-ifs or the uncertain possibility that I liked my best friend.

It was easier said than done, but I managed.

When I went to school the following week, I'd let my heart do the talking. There was nothing better than figuring things out with a refreshed headspace.

After a few days of the usual scholastic environment, I mustered up a quick verdict:

I was the victim of physical attraction.

Now, before you beg to differ, just hear me out.

I will disclose that my heart sped a little faster upon seeing her in class or in the hallways. Her gracious smile was still a light in the darkness, exuding that same vibrancy that I've come to often point out. My gaze settled and drifted and absorbed everything that she flaunted, though that was nothing new.

Yet at that moment, I was able to connect several dots; the missing piece to the puzzle was right in front of my eyes!

See, Joohyun always had some sort of effect on me. However, it'd only hit me whenever I was staring at her for far too long.

What does that mean?

I'm affected upon noticing her physical attributes!

Imagine seeing one of the most beautiful girls in the world (yes, one as absolute as Joohyun) in front of your very eyes, arms securely wrapped around one another—so close and so personal. Anyone would've gone crazy at the sight and at the mere touch.

It's clear she can drive anyone crazy, including me, but I'm the lucky one.

The difference between me and all the Joohyun-obsessed dudes at this school is that I can think from a logical point of view.

Why did you want to kiss her that night then?

Kiss her? Oh, come on! Not only is that farfetched, but also the last thing on my mind.

Is it really?

Yes!

But can you even use 'physical attraction' as an excuse to dismiss such a thing?

There is nothing to dismiss.

It's the only probable answer!

What if you do like her?

It's natural to come up with far-off ideas to cover up the truth.

You know what it's called?

Yeah, denial.

Go to hell, brain.

+++

It's insane to witness that a lot can change in a couple of months. I see it happening time-and-time, again. With each occurrence, I'm surprised by the results.

No one notices how quickly things do twist and turn.

For one, I would've never guessed I'd grow so fond of gym class.

Initially, the rigorous and extreme exercises caused it to rank way below all my other classes.

Maybe, even steeper than that.

It was brutal and unbearable, but it seems something in the air switched off Mr. Eraqus' twisted ways. One week came, and all of a sudden, his strenuous, gym-teaching ways had simmered down, taking the whole physical education thing less seriously.

He appeared happier and less disgruntled—all good signs.

And ever since then, I've looked forward to ending the school day.

Because of this glorious change, it meant no more tireless workouts or looking like I took a plunge in some sort of body of water as soon as I returned home.

If everyone was moving in some way, shape, or form, then it was alright with Mr. Eraqus. With that, every day became a free day to do what we wanted.

In the last couple of classes, Bogum and I have been throwing a baseball back-and-forth. Sometimes, Jin, Jimin, and some of the others would join, either to chat or take turns participating. If not, they'd be off kicking a soccer ball around, engaging in their own conversations.

Today, however, it was just the two of us.

"Mind if I ask you something?" I tentatively ask Bogum.

"Of course," he replies, flicking the ball over. "What's up?"

With ease, I caught it in my glove, holding onto it for a short moment.

Returning to the main subject of my uncertainties makes this whole situation worse for me and my mind, but it must be done. In order to move forward, I had to be sure of it all by getting an honest, outside opinion. No way am I digging myself further with these constant what-if's about whether I may or may not like Joohyun.

"You alright?" Bogum interjects my thoughts, scrunching his eyebrows. "You seem scattered."

"Yeah, I'm good. I just..." It was lacking, but I was musing over better ways to word this without acting more abnormal than I already am. "You and Sooyoung are dating, right?"

Or I could just ask straight up.

"Yeah. Officially." He nods slowly. "Why are you asking?"

Bogum must be conducting an entire mental list of reasons as to why I, out of all people, are asking about his love-life. Indeed, he understands that it is highly unusual for someone like me to ask about something as perturbing as relationships.

"Just double-checking."

I swiftly return the ball, momentarily racking my brain for yet another simple way to make my next question seem as unspecific as possible.

"Just double-checking? Really?" He rolls his eyes disbelievingly. "Whatever's on your mind; cough it up already."

For once, I am not shocked that Bogum caught onto the signs that my mind was drowning within the midst of insanity.

"What do you mean?" Why do I think acting clueless would drive me away from admitting the truth?

"We're best friends," Bogum blinks. "I can immediately tell whenever something is bothering you, especially when you're lying to cover it up. Besides, you've been living inside your own head all week, distracted by something. Am I right or wrong?"

"Uh, well..." It's difficult to swerve around Bogum's precise calculations to even attempt to deny the truth. However, what I am not going to do is reveal the subject that has me so engrossed.

"Your silence clearly points towards the fact that I'm right."

"I will not dispute that."

Bogum snickers.

"Have you told Joohyun about it?"

I choked out, "Hell, no." And, before I could even spit those words out, I was already hastily shaking my head.

"Oh? Will I finally know something that she doesn't?"

"You know plenty that she doesn't."

"True." He crosses his arms. "Doesn't change the fact that she's your favorite, though."

"Bogum." Please, God. Help me. To be told such things will never help my current case. "Don't go there."

"Fine." He winks playfully. "Anyways, back to the topic of my relationship—why did you want to know if Sooyoung and I were dating?"

Should I even bother asking? Indeed, it was the main goal for starting this conversation in the first place. But for some reason, I'm frightened to encounter the answer.

I gulp, then take a deep, calming breath.

Just say it, coward.

"Well..." I pause, breaking a sweat. He curves a brow expectantly. "How did you figure out that—uh—you liked her?"

At first, Bogum's alerted eyes widened, then returned to normal in seconds. He stood there quietly, ruminating for a while. He hadn't ridiculed me for asking, like I predicted he would.

Instead, his thoughtful gaze fell to the grass that gently brushed against our ankles. It was like this for a few moments as he spun the baseball in his hand.

That is, until Bogum gestured to walk alongside him. It was a telltale sign that an in-depth conversation about the many wonders of liking someone had been initiated. And I'm not too sure how I feel about this.

Then, despite already knowing the answer, he asks, "Have you ever liked anyone before?"

"No."

"Are you afraid that you do?"

"Yeah." I wince at the brutally honest answer I gave. "I mean, I don't think I do. But I figured that I should get an opinion from someone that's experienced with the subject."

The corner of his lips pulls upwardly.

"I get it."

I side-eye Bogum; that secretive smirk and that certain, all-knowing glint in his eyes irks me. Funny thing is, he doesn't need to ask for clues, much less guess about who I may or may not like. Hell, bringing up Joohyun to check if it has to do with her isn't even necessary. He just ing knows, like everyone else in our friend-group.

To be so readable and predictable pisses me off.

Guess, it's not that difficult to conclude, anyways. It's not like I talk to any other girl as closely as I do with Joohyun.

"It's hard to explain feelings, but I'll tell you one of the first experiences that made me believe I liked Sooyoung."

He pauses, tossing the ball in the air and catching it. I merely nod in response.

"Sooyoung and I have been close friends for over a year. However, something changed over the summer. I remember exactly where we were—the Sunset Destiny Plaza, fooling around at the arcade. She was rambling about her favorite band while eating some strawberry shortcake ice cream that I had bought for her. But I could easily recall staring at her from across the booth that day, just noting all the wonderful things about her. Mostly, the very things that differentiated her from the rest. All I thought about was the fact that I could listen to her talk forever—about anything, everything, and I could never get bored. I could never get tired. Because if she was talking to me, and she was smiling through it all, then that was all I needed to feel rejuvenated."

Maybe, it was a horrible idea to ask Bogum. Perhaps, Jimin was a better choice to question, since he would probably say something vague like, 'I don't know, I thought Chaeyoung was pretty cute. So, yeah'.

The more Bogum descriptively acknowledged every crevice of his feelings for Sooyoung, the more my worries had worsened towards my own. God, I wanted to be reassured of the fact that I don't have feelings for my best friend, not the other way around.

"Did you end up telling her that you liked her that day?" I ask, an overwhelming jolt of nervousness causing my voice to carry a slight shake.

"It wasn't that easy." Though unamused, he chuckles. "Not long after that, our friendship turned flirtatious, then that led to us becoming friends with benefits. Although it was toxic, I was known to enact that sort of thing. She was okay with it, so it continued for a while. At first, our whole together-but-not mess was kept as a secret from the others. But just before school started, she confessed to me. And, you know, me being an idiot and all, I had nothing to say. I wasn't sure if I wanted to stop our 'friends with benefits' situation. Frankly, I did not bode well with relationships, so I thought that things were better left the way it was."

"But you were wrong," I finish.

He nods, albeit dejected.

"After avoiding my true feelings, I eventually hooked up with another girl out of impulse. It was a random chick that Seojoon introduced me to, so it's not someone you know."

It may come as a surprise, but this is the first time I've ever heard about this in detail. Towards the beginning of the school year, it grew incredibly obvious that Sooyoung and Bogum's friendship-relationship was a chaotic mess. It was the talk of the town in our friend-group (and around school), but it was more minor implications and gossip than in-depth details of the matter.

Besides the time that Jimin claimed their relationship was 'toxic' during the beach clean-up a while back, I was trapped in the unknown of things. That caused me to feel guilty for not being able to help Bogum out. He must've taken my disinterest in talking about girls or relationships as a sign to not bother me about his problems.

But sure enough, things managed to fix themselves on their own.

"Sorry, did I ramble too much?" Bogum asks, hauling me out of my scattered thoughts. "I don't even think I answered your question properly."

"Actually, you did."

His eyebrows crash into his hairline before smiling. "What'd you pick up from it then?"

"That the realization of liking someone can not only happen randomly but instantaneously. Like, in a split second."

"Yeah. You're right." He simply hums, agreeing. "Funny thing is, if present, underlying feelings are always transforming and evolving. You just don't realize it until it spontaneously decides to surprise you."

Silence infused itself into the humid air, allowing Bogum's words to settle then disturb me further.

Attraction, affection, and love; the entire spectrum of concepts that I'm afraid of, yet they're so uncontrollable and unpredictable. In truth, it's human nature to search for love, to find it, to lose it, then to long for it all over, again.

Love.

It sounds like a beautiful thing.

+++

A/N: I heavily at timely updates LOL. I'm so sorry for the multiple-month delay, but I'm trying a new tactic that'll aid in quicker updates (less words in the word count). I wanted this to wrap-up by Chapter Thirty, but I'll sacrifice a few chapters for speedier updates :]

Taehyung is definitely questioning himself throughout this whole chapter, but I just wanted to pinpoint his current thoughts/feelings. Next chapter will reveal more story-moving material (still in Tae's POV) while Chapter Twenty Two will have Joohyun's (planned for it).

Thanks to anyone who puts up with my delayed- updates. If you're still reading, I appreciate you! Hope you enjoyed <3