“I always try to give it all in all my relationships, including my romantic relationship. So, if we break up, to me, we’ve definitely broken up. I don’t hold onto the idea that I could date this person again”

Amber was stunned when she saw what Krystal said on Lifebar. She blinked and made sure that her ear heard it right.  Amber has waited enough, for months, to finally free from her schedule and planning to go back to Seoul to take care some stuff, and of course, to meet Krystal. She would get her girl back, she was sure of that. She even rehearsed of what she was about to say to Krystal. When she got back in Seoul, Krystal had to go to Italy with her sister but both of them had made plan to meet after Krystal back to Korea.

But after listening to the interview that Krystal will not even think to get back together with an ex-lover, Amber really felt that she was about to faint instantly. Her strong desire to make Krystal hers again were crushed and clouded with doubts now. Was she wrong all this time, did she take the wrong idea from Krystal? Maybe Krystal did just want to be friends, what if she misinterpreted the hint given by Krystal? Did the interview was meant for Amber after all, to give a clue that she didn’t want to get back together?  

She already hinted to Krystal that their meeting would lead into something, even she posted on her instagram that she misses Krystal after she denied that she wouldn’t want to date Krystal on her online broadcast when she answered questions from her fans. Yes, Amber denied that it would be hard to date Krystal because she didn’t want to cause a stir as they both still in SM. But she immediately posted a picture of herself in front of Krystal’s face on her instagram story as a hint to Krystal that she still and always, wanted Krystal.    

But, Amber felt that she needed to re-think again. Those words that Krystal said kept replaying on Amber’s head until she didn’t even pay attention to the rest of the interview. She got even more confused whether she still wanted to ask Krystal to get back together with her when they meet. She let out a long sighed and lay herself on her bed. She still has a week to think about it, to make firm on what she will decide.

Unfortunately, until the day came, Amber still didn’t have the answer. Only more questions, without answer. She really wanted to get back together again with Krystal, she knew what her heart wants. But if Krystal didn’t want the same thing, then what’s the point? Maybe during this year, when they both re-think about their relationship, they finally reached a different conclusion, where Amber wanted to be back as lovers but Krystal only wanted to stay friends.

Today, Amber was on the car with her F(x) manager after finishing her schedule, and called Krystal to confirm where to meet her tonight. She knew that Krystal had to shoot today and she thought that maybe they can meet after her shoot is done.

“Hi Amber!!!”, Krystal squealed on the phone when she answered.

“Hi Princess!”, unconsciously, Amber smiled when she heard Krystal’s happy tone. “Just want to ask you if we can meet tonight.”

“Ah. Actually, I am on the set right now. You should come by though. Bye!!!”, Krystal suddenly hang-up the phone abruptly even before Amber can response.

Amber pushed the phone away from her ear and just stared at the phone. Still not believe Krystal’s response when she asked Amber to come to her shooting set so sudden. But it was so typical of Krystal, just being a princess herself.

“What just happened?”, she mumbled to herself in disbelief.

When her manager confirmed that Krystal’s shooting place was not far away from where they were right now, she decided to grant Krystal’s wish and visit her on her set. She quickly found a paper to write something for Krystal, as she always did whenever she came to Krystal’s drama set. Realizing that she would meet Krystal soon, Amber can hear her own heartbeat, pounding hard as she wrote something on the paper. Her mind still scrambling, she still didn’t know what she would do when they meet. Her planned has ruined, whatever that she has rehearsed didn’t even matter anymore now. Things has changed and her guts shrink to the very bottom as Amber’ can’t decide whether she still want to fight for Krystal.

When she arrived on the set, Krystal greeted her with the biggest smile that Amber ever seen. Amber really missed her, her beautiful princess. Oh how she couldn’t fight her urge to make Krystal hers again, but what if Krystal says no? Krystal has not got her turn to shoot so she hugged Amber right away when she saw Amber. She hugged Amber really tight, and Amber swore that she can felt a longingness in the way Krystal wrapped her hand around Amber. Amber actually did not want to let go of Krystal’s embrace that soon, and she frowned a little bit when Krystal stopped her hug and laughed lightly.

Amber couldn’t help it to stare at Krystal. It has been a long time since they saw each other yet she always found herself admiring Krystal more and more each time they meet. Krystal looked really beautiful, still and always.

“What’s that?”, Krystal’s questions suddenly startled Amber.

“Huh?”

“That. In your hand.”, Krystal repeated, pointing her finger to the paper that Amber’s brought with her.

“Oh this?”, Amber raised her hand with the paper and she laughed. “You know, something to encourage you.”

“Oh wait, wait.”, Krystal took out her phone from her pocket and started to make video of Amber. “Hold that to your front so everyone can see it pleaseeee…”

“What? Now? I… ---“, Amber could feel that her face flushed. She stopped talking and looked at her surroundings. Lots of the drama crew were there and staring at her, giggling.

“Please Amber pleaseeee……”, Krystal used her aegyo, which, of course can’t be rejected by Amber.

Amber let out a defeated sighed and finally put the paper in front of her.

“That’s it? No words like, fighting??”, Krystal asked as she record the video of Amber.

“Uh… yaah….”, Amber really didn’t know what to say. She can heard the giggle from all the crew there getting louder.

“That’s love.”, Krystal said suddenly and smiled widely.

Amber was getting even more awkward hearing those words from Krystal. She really didn’t know how to respond by now.

‘Yes, that’s love, princess. I do love you so much, do you know that??’, Amber said it in her mind. But those words ended up only in her head, and can only said that she agree with Krystal that that is indeed, love.

“Love you!”, Krystal said again, in a very cute voice.

Some of the crew were laughing at her by now. Amber felt hot all over her body and she was sure that her face turned red. Amber felt like wanting to jump into a big hole as she could die out of embarrassment. But she secretly hoping that word ‘love’, that just escaped from Krystal’s lips was really meant from Krystal’s heart. Not as a joking manner, not just a lips service, but really love. If Krystal didn’t want to get back together with her, then what is this? What Krystal was trying to do to her?

“Love you too.”, Amber said it back, smiling shyly without any control while made a finger-heart gesture. She knew that her face must looked like an idiot right now. But the words ‘love’ that she replied to Krystal, she actually really meant it.

Krystal smiled in satisfaction and walked towards Amber one more time to give Amber another hug.

“I will post this on my instagram.”, Krystal said and started open her account.

Amber’s eyes widened. “What?? Please don’t, Soojungie. It was so embarrassing.”, she whined.

“No. It was cute, stupid. Whatever, I will still post it anyway.”, Krystal glared at her, to which Amber can just sulking and accept whatever Krystal was about to do. “Anyway, I think my turn to shoot is coming. Wait here for a while, okay. Just look around if you are bored.”, Krystal smiled again and wave her hand to Amber.

For Krystal, seeing Amber after what seemed to be ages, making her motivation to finish the shoot quickly skyrocketed. She felt she could float as she stepped toward the place where she had to film her scene. As usual, a bright aura seemed to envelop the atmosphere at the set, simply because Amber was there, watching her, coming for her, support her. She can't wait to spend her time with Amber today. She suffered enough for these past months, waiting for Amber to return to her, to her arms. She really just wanted to throw herself to Amber soon, maybe cuddling, feeling Amber in her hand, feeling secure again in Amber's warmth. 

The shoot finally ended and Krystal introduces Amber to her co-stars. All the guys were really nice to Amber and even asked Amber to join them for dinner. Amber was glad actually, seeing that those guys treated Krystal nicely, like their own little sister. She knew it was not easy for someone like Krystal to get closer to someone new, but their co-stars seemed to understand her and made her comfortable during every scene that they had to shoot.

“I heard you always came to Krystal drama set. Did she force you to do it?”, Seung-Heon, one of Krystal’s co-star, asked Amber to tease Krystal.

“hey!!”, Krystal protested immediately. “She always came by because she wanted to. She just miss me too much whenever I am not around.”

“Uuh… no..”, Amber shook her head, then turned her gaze to Seung-Heon and laughed too, “And to answer your questions, yes she always force me. Come one, you believe me more than you believe her, right?”

“Oppa! You barely know her! You have to trust me instead of her.”, Krystal complained again and glared to Seung-Heon.

“Do you know that she nick-named me as ‘servant’? That’s explain everything, right?”, Amber retorted back, to which earned another laugh from Krystal co-stars. “Princess needs her servant to do everything for her. That’s why I am here now.”

“YAH!”, Krystal glared at Amber and slapped her shoulder. “Don’t make look bad in front of them!”

“What do you think when you see her role this time?”, Si-Un, another Krystal’s co-stars now asked Amber.

“A very cute driver, of course.”, without having to wait for Amber to answer, Krystal already responded to the questions, smiled and giggled mischievously.

“A scary one, like always.” Amber pretended to winced. “But it’s nice though, I mean… - the gank in the drama.. you guys looked like the bad guys but actually you’re the good guys.”, Amber added.

Si-Un suddenly clapped his hand. “Ha! I know! If you could join the cast, what do you think you will be? What role do you think that would fit you?”

“Uhhmmm, that is an interesting question.”, Amber put her finger to her chin as if she was thinking. “Naah, I think I want to be the bad guy, the real bad guy so I can hit Krystal or maybe throw a punch at her.”, she finally answered and chuckled.

The guys laughed again hearing Amber’s choice of answer. “It’s time for the servant to get her revenge, huh?”, Si-Un winked at Amber.

“Oh my God, Amber!! Why are you so mean to me??”, Krystal whined and hit Amber uncontrollably.

“See… see??! This is what my life is as her servant.”, Amber pointed at Krystal, giving evidence how Krystal likes to ‘torture’ her.

“But it is so nice that you came today, Amber. Krystal, you’re lucky that you have her as your… ---“, Seung-Heon sounded a bit hesitate to continue, he looked like he was struggling to find the suitable words to describe what Amber to Krystal. But then he smiled and said “As your servant.”

Krystal was really glad that to see Amber being able to quickly get along with her co-stars. That’s one thing that she admired about Amber, something that Krystal doesn’t have. Amber was so open to everyone and it was easy for her to get close to someone, even those who she barely knew.

The dinner is over and Krystal was really hoping that Amber would ask whether she can come by to Krystal’s place to hang-out, to talk about their status now. She could not wait any longer, she wanted Amber to be hers by tonight. They were standing, face to face, as all the drama crew left them one by one and bid their goodbyes.

“Thank you for coming today, Am. I am really glad that you’re here now. I miss you so much.“, Krystal said as she presented the most sweetest smile to Amber.

“I miss you too!! And I always like coming down to your drama set.”, Amber responded warmly.

A moment of silence settled between them as they were staring at each other with a smile. Before finally Amber decided to talk.

“Uuh… Soojungie.. I…-- Can I…----“, Amber was opened and ready to talk, but it seemed that she couldn’t continue what she was about to say. Her mind stopped her to say the words she wanted to blurt out as she felt there was a conflict there. Krystal’s words in Lifebar interview kept coming back to her head, clouded all of her judgement and action.

In front of Amber, Krystal still fixed her gaze to Amber's face, waited with full of hope. She was sure her eyes radiated a desperate plea, for Amber to return to her house tonight. For Amber to finally say to her that Amber wanted her back aand open a new page with her, start a new beginning with her. Krystal felt time was slowing down as she waited Amber to get out her words that seem to be stuck in .

Amber’s mind was scrambling. But she seemed unable to get rid Krystal’s words from her mind. Her fear of rejection reappeared, this time greater than her desire to make Krystal hers again.

‘I can’t do it.’, finally her mind decided.

Amber closed as she looked down. “I…--- I need to go back to my place now. I promised my roommate to do something with her. I will call you tomorrow, okay?”. Amber raised her head and looked at Krystal, smiling weakly.

Krystal felt her heart dropped when she heard that. She couldn’t even concentrate anymore and didn’t pay any attention to whatever Amber said after that. Suddenly all she knew was Amber had gone home, and she had also been in the car with her manager on the ride to her own house, alone without Amber by her side.

That night, Krystal found herself wide awake. She couldn’t sleep. She was confused, disappointed. What she had hoped for and waited for a long time failed to happen today. She thought that she already gave a clear sign for Amber that she wanted Amber back. She kept flirted with Amber all this time and even lately their conversation sometimes turned very sweet, it can even be said to be too sweet for a friend level. She was quite sure that both of them were really could not wait to meet and when they were, first thing they do would be to have some time alone, to finally release each other's longing.  

Moreoever, even this afternoon when Amber visited her on the set, she showed how happy she was and even gave Amber a hug immediately when she saw Amber. She used her cute voice, saying love you to Amber, did that action was not clear enough for Amber? Does Amber really that oblivious? Or maybe it was Amber who wanted to stay friends with her?

A pang of sadness began to creep in her heart. She was so frustrated until she felt that she wanted to scream in front of Amber that she loves her with all her heart and it never and will not change. Did she need to take the initiative and asked Amber to get back together with her? But what if Amber said no? Today Amber got a chance for that but she didn’t even say anything related to that matter. What if Amber really close her heart for Krystal and had decided to become friends instead of lovers?

What went wrong?

“Stupid…..”, Krystal mumbled to herself, sitting and hugging her pillow tightly.