Krystal was stunned when she open her Instagram account and read Amber’s post. The content of the post was full of anger, frustration, and depression. She didn’t know that Amber had felt this way and Krystal mentally cursed herself that she could not read Amber’s frustration this whole time.  After F(x) concert, there was not much activities for their group which was stored by their company. But Krystal has already been booked for drama and during the early months of 2017, her time packed with her Artwork project with June One Kim and photoshoot. In her not so free time, she spent it to communicate with Jongin and now when she thought about it, she regretted that she didn’t make a little time for Amber and asked about her wellbeing in Los Angeles.  

Her finger quickly dialed the number that is so familiar and after a moment of ringing, she heard Amber picking up her phone.

“Are you okay?”, without saying hello, Krystal abruptly just asked Amber a question.

“Huh? What do you mean?”, Amber asked her back in confuse tone.

“Your Instagram post, Amber! What’s going on? Are you okay?”, Krystal repeated her question impatiently.

There was a silence on Amber’s side. Then Krystal heard a long sigh.

“I was just…. –“, another paused. “Ah, don’t worry about it. I am okay.”, Amber tried to answer as calm as possible. But Krystal knew her very well, Amber is not okay and Krystal can read it through her voice and the way she talks.

“It was a god damn long post, Amber. Two posts if I might add. Talk to me, Am.”, Krystal insisted again.

“Krystal…I am fine. Don’t worry about me.”, Amber said again, tried to convince Krystal.

Krystal didn’t need to think twice when she knew Amber was not in a good condition, she had to see her right away. “You’re in LA? I will fly there and meet you.”

“What??”, Amber shrieked, completely shocked. “No. You don’t have to. Besides, aren’t you supposed to be in… I don’t know, somewhere in the US having holiday with your sister?”

“Yes and that’s why it’s easy for me to get there. I am in New York now. I can spend few days there before I fly to San Francisco.”

“Krystal.. No –“, before Amber can finished her protest, Krystal has cut her.

“I don’t need your answer, Amber. I will be there, whether you like it or not.”, Krystal said again, sternly this time.

Amber knew she couldn’t win when Krystal was being stubborn. She let out a defeated sigh and just asked Krystal to inform her when she can arrive in LA.

“Jess..”, Krystal called her sister after she ended up her call with Amber. They were at their hotel in New York and Jessica just had finished her shower. “Can I… Uhm.. “, Krystal paused, hesitated to continue.

“Anything wrong, Soojung?”

“Would it okay if I…”, Krystal shook her head. “No. Uhm…, Amber had some problem with the company. I think she is not in a great condition now. Is it okay if I fly to LA and spend few days there, then I will meet you in SF?”, Krystal asked carefully to get permission from her sister. She didn’t want to ruin her sister mood as they were in the middle of holiday now.

Jessica furrowed her eyebrows. “Can’t you do it over the phone?”

Krystal just kept quiet and fidgeting her fingers. Jessica immediately felt bad and she quickly rephrase her sentence so Krystal would not misinterpret her intention. “Sorry, I don’t mean to sound… heartless.” Jessica then joined Krystal and sat on the bed.

“I mean..By all means, I am perfectly fine if you want to meet her in LA. It is not about our holiday. It’s just… do you think this is a good idea? I know you have a…uhm..”, Jessica paused, trying to find the right words. “a somewhat complicated relationship with her.”, she switched to English to describe her sister’s relationship with Amber.

Krystal chuckled. She understands that her sister just wanted to protect her. She always told her sister about her so called ‘mildang’ relationship with Amber and Jessica didn’t want Krystal to be trapped in that kind of situation again. “Unnie, you know Amber is always been special to me right. I was so concerned about her as her post was like.. so depressed. I just want to be there for her, like she was always be there for me. You know, as a friend.”, she said, ensuring Jessica this time.

Jessica nodded and held Krystal’s hand. “Okay. Just don’t forget about the boundaries, okay. Plus, you have a boyfriend now.”

‘Ahh.. boyfriend..’, Krystal thought in her head. It has been hard for her and Jongin nowadays. Their schedule was so packed until it was hard to meet each other. At first, Krystal always missed Jongin like crazy when they were unable to meet. Sometimes they had fight about it but they were trying to comprise as much as they could because there was nothing they can do about it. But as the time passed, it seemed she got used to it. Her longing for meeting Jongin seemed to be.. decreasing.

She quickly searched for ticket to LA and booked one once she spotted a suitable time to fly. She then texted Amber her flight schedule and asked Amber to picked her up at the airport. Krystal was torn, whether she needs to let Jongin knows about her newly scheduled trip to LA. But finally she decided to let him know, Jongin is her boyfriend anyway and he deserved to know. She texted Jongin and inform her that she will fly to LA in next two days to see Amber. A call from Jongin came immediately just 2 minutes after Jongin received her text.

“I thought you’re having holiday with your sister.”, Jongin asked, confuse.

“Yes I am. I just need to see Amber for a few days. You know, to comfort her.”, Krystal replied nonchalantly.

“Well…I thought if you have time, you can come by for a few days to see me in Seoul.. I mean, we haven’t see each other in a long time.. “, Jongin tried to cater his words carefully, didn’t want to sound too clingy, although Krystal can sense an annoyance in his voice.

Krystal was silent for a moment. She suddenly realized that she never thought about slipped in Jongin between her schedule and it seemed that she didn’t even bothered. Jongin on the other side, also sometimes could not even talk to her on the phone properly as he was always too tired due to his schedule. After Krystal finally got some days off from her schedule, she chose to have a holiday with her sister and maybe, she was having too much fun with Jessica until, maybe, the thought of Jongin almost left her mind. Did the distance caused them to grow apart without even she realized it? Did she not needed Jongin’s presence now as the busy schedule make separation seemed to be a usual thing for them?

“Yeah, I know. But… Amber is my groupmate, Jongin. I am really concern about her right now. She needs me.”

Jongin scoffed, barely audible but Krystal still can heard it. “But I need you too. I mean, don’t you miss me? I feel like I forgot how you look like already.”

“Of course I miss you too. But I am sorry, Jongin. We will meet after I get back, okay?”, Krystal replied, but she knew half of her heart didn’t really look forward to it. She just said it just for the sake of calming Jongin.

 “Okay.”, Jongin finally said, weakly. “Let me know once you arrived there, okay.”

The day when Krystal landed in LA, Amber was sitting patiently in her car, waiting until Krystal came out from the airport to pick her up. Amber was not really in the mood to do anything actually, moreover to talk about how she felt about SM now. Lately she had been feel so frustrated about how the company treated her. Yes she was aware that she was somehow ‘different’ than mostly girl idol under SM, but it does not mean that SM can just ignore her and acting like they were no longer care about her. Amber knew she was not the best of the best within SM, but she pretty sure that she has some talent that SM should appreciate. She felt so useless as it seemed that SM sometimes forgotten her existence.  

Krystal smiled widely when she saw Amber and sat next to her on the passenger seat of Amber’s car.  

“Hi stupid! Long time no see!”, she greeted Amber happily.

Amber chuckled softly and shook her head. “Krystal.. really.. How on earth you just booked ticket to fly here and left your sister just like that during your holiday?”

“Hey!!”, Krystal protested. “A little appreciation here. I came along from New York because I care.”, Krystal smacked Amber’s shoulder lightly.

Amber just laughed and started to drive her car. When watching Amber’s driving, Krystal knew Amber tried to act normal and cover her chaos mind. She was always like that. She used jokes and laughter to hide her sadness. But no matter how hard Amber tried to hide her frustration, Krystal can read through her facade. There was another layer behind the mask that Amber put up for a show to her right now, a broken one. The smile that Amber offered to her was too forced, to convince Krystal that she was alright, to look strong in front of Krystal. Krystal knew Amber didn’t want to smile. So what she did was simply taking Amber out for dinner, just being there with Amber.

“I booked a hotel. Don’t want to disturb your roommate because of my sudden visit.”, Krystal said once they finished with their dinner. Dinner time was only filled with stories about Krystal’s holiday with Jessica and Amber non-stop compliment of Krystal’s artwork project. Not once Krystal asked about the Instagram post and Amber was silently thankful in her mind for that.

“Okay. I will drive you to your ho---“

“No.”, Krystal cut her off. “Just stay with me.”

“What??”, Amber looked at her, puzzled.

“Come on, Am! We have not met for so long and you don’t want to hang out with me?”, Krystal whined, used her charm to make Amber spend the night at her hotel.

“But… but.. –“, Amber stuttered.

“Don’t think about ert things, stupid! This is not an invitation to do that thing.”, Krystal slapped her arms and glared at her.

“What?? No! I do –“, Amber stopped her blabbering when she heard Krystal was giggling.

“I was joking, Am. But no really, just stay. I miss talking with you.”, Krystal held Amber’s hand and smiled. Amber jolted on her spot when she felt the warmth of Krystal hand on hers, a warm that she missed the most and she loved the most. Suddenly she felt that she was not alone anymore, that she has someone by her side that she could shed her feelings.

“Alright, princess.”, when Amber squeezed Krystal’s hand, Krystal knew Amber has broken her façade a little bit and will let her in.

They bought a wine in as a room service so they can chat in a more relax manner. As they sipping their wine on the sofa, they fell into a comfortable silence as Krystal was playing with her phone, busily texting her sister and Amber just stared blankly into the ceiling.

“Krys…”, Amber broke the silence, turned her gaze to see Krystal.    

 “Hmm?”, Krystal hummed in response. She looked up and her eyes met Amber’s.

“Thank you for coming. It’s actually mean a lot to me.”, Amber smiled. Krystal can see that this is the first genuine smile that Amber showing her today, but the smile itself couldn’t erase the wound that was reflected on Amber’s eyes.

“Of course! I –“, before Krystal can finish, Amber has pulled her and hugged her tight. Krystal was startled for few seconds, before finally wrapped her own arms onto Amber waist.

“I’ll be okay. Don’t worry too much about me.”, Amber finally let go and stared deep into Krystal’s eyes. Just one hug, Krystal’s hug to be exact, was already made Amber feel better and secure.

“I like worrying about you. I mean… it’s you..”, Krystal replied and caressed Amber’s hair. She really wanted to ask Amber to pour out her misery, but she didn’t want to put pressure on Amber as the girl has already hurt as it is.

Amber smiled again hearing Krystal’s answer. But the smile quickly faded and she lowered her head down. “Do you… --“, Amber asked in a soft voice. “Do you think I am worthless?”, she whispers, keeping her eyes on her hand that settled on her lap.

“What?? How can you say that?”, Krystal gasped, a bit surprise hearing Amber’s absurd questions.

Amber dared herself to look up and face Krystal. She didn’t say anything but Krystal knew she was waiting for an answer. There was so much sadness in Amber’s expression and Krystal wished that she could wash it away in a heartbeat.

“I know I am not Taeyeon-unnie, who were gifted with an amazing voice, nor I am Yoona-unnie, or you,  or every flowers in SM who have pretty face so SM can easily get a singing job or drama job. But…”, Amber stopped, her voice slowly trembled.  

Krystal drew in a deep long inhale before she can gather her choice of words that she thought carefully in her mind. “Amber, we can get to where we are right now, F(x) now, one of the reason is because of you. You have uniqueness that everyone do not have. You make us different, in a good way. You are beautiful and so talented or otherwise…”, Krystal almost blurted out to say ‘I wouldn’t have fallen for you’, but she stopped when the words were still at the tip of her tongue. It was not the right thing to say right now. She quickly twirled her brain, searching for more appropriate substitute words.  

“Otherwise… well, the hell with the company. It’s their lost if they were too blind to see your talent.”, finally Krystal opted to curse the company instead.     

Amber just chuckled. She knew Krystal was trying to cheer her up. But somehow Krystal words gave her a slightly confidence, a chance for her to try again and again, a little bit expectation that everything will be alright after this storm has passed.  

“I… I always adore you, always amazed on how you can wrote your own lyrics and create a song. Sometimes I could even be jealous of so many talents you have. ”, Krystal supplied again, and a little bit blushing after that.

Amber felt that her fortress that she built slowly shattered in front of Krystal. Krystal always sees the best of her, always loved her the way she is, and Krystal never bothered. Krystal still always sees her with adoration and it always made Amber feels special.  

That night, Amber slept in Krystal’s embrace, buried her head on Krystal’s neck. She let herself being vulnerable and hurt, searching for safety in the little world that Krystal created for her. Krystal kissed her forehead many times, wrapping her arms to protect Amber’s heart. Giving her warmth, a hope that Krystal promised to herself that Amber would get something better in her future.

The next day, Krystal got a text message from Jongin. ‘We need to talk’, that was what it said. In her head, Krystal agreed that she and Jongin really do need to talk. Krystal knew where the conversation will be going. It would not be a good news for both Jongin and her and it was nobody to blame. But maybe, it was for the best.