Season changes and now its winter. But sadly, what Amber and Krystal have still remain the same and did not follow the season. They were happy with their lives. Krystal had drama projects, endless photoshoot which she did it happily as she was also travel around the world. Amber’s SM project with Luna finally got through and now she was back in Korea for the preparation of the project. They were happy with what they have now, but not happy with each other, because they do not have each other, romantically.

Lots had happened during summer, fall and now winter. And what Amber has feared has somewhat became true. Their relationship progressed into something in a grey area, feelings became blurred between them but actions become bolder. When they meet with each other, they were fully enjoying each other presence a little bit too much, lots of teasing and a little kissing here and there. As if those things were a habit for them, how they value their friendship and their way of expressing their love by hiding behind the friendship flag. But they were careful this time, suppress themselves not to cross the line too far a.k.a not sleeping together.  

But when they were separated, they enjoyed their own life. Krystal tried to go on several harmless date, which ended up unsuccessful as she felt nothing towards whoever she went on the date with. Amber did the same, getting closer with few girls, hoping to feel something to one of them at least. They had a different life, separated by continents. Amber was more comfortable spending her time in LA, her home, compared to Korea. She will come to Korea just because she had something to do or had a project. As for Krystal, she clearly never wanted to leave Seoul as Korea is her home. Then what they can expect in this kind of situation? Being friends with a little touch of pleasing works for them and they seemed to use it by now.

One thing Amber regrets but is also grateful during one of the season was how she finally get a little bit closer to Jessica, Krystal’s sister. Their mutual friend, Irene, brought Amber to attend Jessica’s Blanc& Eclare event in New York and they got to spending time together. Amber was grateful because she can finally break into Jessica’s wall, and without having the status of Jessica’s sister girlfriend, she felt less scared towards Jessica as no burden for her to win Jessica’s heart. But Amber was feeling regretful as well, because she can be this close to Jessica when she was no longer bear the title of Krystal’s lover.  

Jessica acknowledged what kind of relationship of Amber and Krystal have as Krystal has never keep secrets from her big sister. And Jessica was trying to understand why Krystal still willing to put herself in this unclear situation. But she knew Krystal has grown and she must have her own reasons. So when Krystal begged her not to ask or try to dig anything from Amber, Jessica granted her wish and didn’t say a word to Amber about her relationship with Krystal. Jessica just wanted to know Amber more in personal, so she can somewhat seeing more deeply on what kind of person that actually captive her sister’s heart.

Its winter and it’s the end of the year. They meet each other again, face to face, playfully goofing around by exchanging phones. Same feelings, same warmth, same happiness, only more flirtatious. Everytime Amber and Krystal back to each other’s arm, those other people, those useless dates, seemed nothing and just vanished. They came back to enjoy their own world.

“So how was the progress with Luna unnie?”, Krystal asked while sipping her coffee, after she posted her face on Amber’s Instagram.

“It’s going great.”, Amber said with full, munching her cookies. “Well, I just needed to edit the music video some more. Still… I don’t know, just don’t feel perfect at the moment.”

“I saw the photoshoot you did with Luna unnie for the song. You look… great together.”, there was a bit hesitant in her voice. She didn’t want to sound jealous, but she couldn’t help but to think Amber and Luna was actually looking good together.

“What? You jealous?”, Amber teased and gave her a smirk.

“No.”, Krystal glared, but Amber swore she can see Krystal blushed even for a second. ““And the song…”, she added. “It is a bit…sensual don’t you think?”

Amber couldn’t hold her laugh and she almost choked on her coffee. “why do think its sensual? It can have different meanings.”

“Oh come on, Am.. Lower, do it slower, babe.. I mean, what else could it be?”,  Krystal quoted the lyrics and scoffed.

“You know… it can be interpreted as…searching freedom? Want to get closer to somebody slowly?”, Amber raised her eyebrows and shrugged her shoulder, then she chuckled when she saw Krystal gave her a disapproval look.

“Doesn’t sound like that to me.”, Krystal exclaimed.

“Does it bother you? Me and Luna singing that song? If, we agree that you think it is a sensual song.”, Amber leaned herself on her chair, crossing her arm and looked at Krystal for an answer.

“What?? No.. I don’t.. I would never –“, Krystal stuttered, embarrassed as Amber seemed can read her mind.

Amber laughed again. “You’re just too cute, princess. Let’s go home, its getting late.”, she said and then asked for the bill from the waitress.

They chose to spend the night at Amber’s place as Krystal didn’t want to feel awkward if she brought Amber home with Jessica inside the house. When they both done with their showering, Krystal sat beside Amber who opened her laptop, still trying to edit the Lower MV and Krystal lean her head on Amber’s shoulders to play with her phone.

“Am?”, Krystal called and turned her head to see Amber’s face.

“Hmm?”, Amber responded, but without distracting her attention from the laptop.

“I really miss you.”, Krystal said softly, sending thrill on Amber’s heart and made Amber turned her gaze to face Krystal.

Amber gave her a sweet smile, an affirmation that she felt the same way. Then she leaned closer and captured Krystal’s lips. Kissing her gently.

The kiss turned bolder after only being chaste for a while. Amber put her laptop aside, positioned her body towards Krystal and her hand circled Krystal’s waist. Krystal cupped Amber’s neck and pulled her closer. They felt it again, the rapid heartbeats and the sound of it sending an alarm to their head, asking to stop before getting further. But their body moved on their own, it was getting harder to resist each time they met and kissed.

Amber pushed Krystal smoothly making Krystal laying on the bed with her on top of Krystal, still kissing her like there is no tomorrow. They just couldn’t get enough of each other’s lips. And now they wanted more, further, deeper, lower than just lips. Their mind shouted to stop because they can’t do this. Usually it worked. But not this time, what happened now was their brain failed to send order to their body to stop doing whatever they were doing now. They lost control, they lost in heaven, in a dream.  Until Amber’s phone started ringing, startled them and brought them back to reality.

“Sorry.”, Amber smiled and pulled away. She grabbed her phone and examined the caller. Krystal couldn’t help to take a peek, curious on who called Amber in the middle of the night. She saw a girl name with a pretty face pictured there. Amber looked hesitant to answer and chose to push the reject button.

“Who is that?”, Krystal didn’t want to sound that she was annoyed, but her voice suggested otherwise.    

Amber cleared , avoiding looking at Krystal. “A friend.”

“Doesn’t sound like a friend to me if she calls you at this hour.”, Krystal sneered, she moved to make wider distance between her and Amber.

“She is in LA. I don’t think she’s aware about the time difference.”, Amber answered quickly. Amber didn’t understand, but she felt guilty. Why on earth she should feel guilty when the girl in front of her is not even her girlfriend? She was free to do whatever she wants, getting close to whoever she wants.

“Oh.. So this girl lives in LA?”, Krystal raised her eyebrows. But with that sentence, Amber knew Krystal didn’t like it, jealous. But it feels like an accusation of cheating, which, how could it be called cheating when they were not even in a relationship to begin with?

 “Yes.”, Amber answered it short, indicating that she didn’t want to prolong this conversation.

“You are dating this girl, aren’t you??”, again, another accusation from Krystal. Her voice raised a little bit.

“No. Krystal, please… Stop with the questions, will you?”, Amber tried to plea.

“Oh don’t lie to me, Amber! Just tell me if you are dating this girl.”, Krystal crossed her arm and she rolled her eyes. Krystal didn’t want to do this, really. She sounded like a jealous girlfriend and she realized that she didn’t have a right to talk like this to Amber. But for the second time, her brain failed to stop her to keep blurting words according to her feelings at the moment. When Amber with her, Amber was hers and nobody can claimed Amber.   

Amber was confused. Yes, the girl who just called is someone who lately, getting closer to her, spending time together with Amber. There were moments when Amber really think that she probably can try to date this girl. But Amber still confuse. Her ‘no-end complicated’ relationship with Krystal always get in the way if she wanted to be honest to herself. She felt her anger was building up, but she didn’t know why she was angry. Maybe she was upset because Krystal accusation, or maybe she was angry to herself, or angry to the whole situation.

“I already said no!”, Amber barked, making Krystal jolt in a surprise. “And Krystal, please don’t make it like I am cheating on you!! You’re not even my –“, Amber wanted to say the word, but her tone trapped in before she could say it. “You’re not… aargghh.. you know what I mean!!”, Amber finally let out a frustrated groan and now stood up from the bed, hoping to calm herself down.

“I know, Am!! I am not your girlfriend and I am just a friend to you!! But friends don’t do what we do right now!”, Krystal retorted, half scream and her hands flung to the air. She was hurt, eventhough she knew that was the truth. And it made her frustrated as well. She looked at Amber, waiting for her response.

With sentences that just escaped from Krystal’s mouth, Krystal finally started it, open a window for them to discuss something that they were afraid to talk over this whole time.

Amber just kept quiet. She knew what Krystal said was true. And she was sure that both of them knew that what they have for each other now was weird. They just didn’t dare to talk about it, even to start to talk about it.

“So what am I? Huh?? What am I to you, Amber??”, Krystal asked, her voice sound soft, but Amber knew there was a demand in her tone.  

Amber’s face tighten being attacked with such questions, her jaw dropped and opened trying to utter a word but nothing. Her mind was scrambling, finding an answer to Krystal’s questions.

“You a..are.. you know, you –“, Amber’s voice trembled. She pushed her brain to think of anything, any answer.

“Well????”, Krystal cut her, insisted for immediate answer. “Yeah I know. I am the same like every other girls in your life, right.”, she snorted and answered her own questions impatiently when she got no response from Amber.

“No! Of course you’re different!!”, Amber was getting even more confuse of what she was about to say.

“How??”, Krystal kept pushing her.

“Just… different… you.. you----“

“WHAT?”

“You’re special, Soojung!! You are always special to me.”, that was the words that ended up coming out from her lips. Amber didn’t know how satisfactory the words ‘special’ for Krystal, but she has no other words in her mind.  

Krystal just looked at her. ‘Special’ is not good enough. There was a sadness in her eyes that Amber can easily spot. Amber was afraid that Krystal will raised a white flag and give up to whatever hope they have in their relationship, no matter how small it could be.

A long sigh can be heard from Krystal. “We need to stop this.”, Krystal said, almost like a whisper.

“What??”, Amber’s eyes widened.

“This, Amber. We need to stop whatever we are doing now. This is not right. This is not healthy!”, she said again, sternly this time, but her voice started to crack.

Another pause from Amber. She was well aware that they need to stop. But she was not ready to give up yet. If there was a hope, she will take the chance.

“What do you want, Soojung? Tell me, in your heart, what do you really want??”, instead of responding to what Krystal said, Amber asked her, a questions that she always has in the back of her head. If Krystal said that she wants Amber, she wants to try again, at least Krystal can convince Amber that this relationship is worth it, for them to walk on the same path again once more. Amber needed her to give her an assurance, that the love they shared is worth fighting for.

Krystal started crying, her tears slowly running down to her cheek. Her lips shuddered, struggling to voice something that seems to be difficult.  Then she shook her head and looked down. “I don’t know.”, she said while sobbing.

Krystal felt like she can’t focus on anything. She just as confused as Amber right now. She started the discussion, but she ended up being puzzled on what she was craving for. Their heart remains the same, but everything around them has changed. She knew how harsh a reality can be and she was scared, if they try again, it can lead to a happy ending, or just only end with another heartbreak and more pain in the future. The heartbreak, it can cost her of losing Amber and she didn’t want that.

Amber’s heart dropped when she heard Krystal’s response. Maybe this is the time to give up, to let go completely. Krystal didn’t even know what she want, this relationship was not that worthy for her. Funny how things changed from being in heaven to being trapped in hell at the same day. Amber bit her lip, so many things she wished to say but she didn’t know which one.

Amber moved in, reducing distance between her and Krystal, she extended her hand and ready to give Krystal a hug. Amber just want to hug Krystal, just this once, the last time, she want to let herself to pour her all feelings to Krystal, inhale her scent and feel Krystal’s body in her embrace. But Krystal rejected, she used her hand as a shield and not letting Amber getting closer. Amber stopped and she stood back up to her previous position.

Krystal wiped her tears with her hand. She dared herself to look at Amber. Her heart shattered when she saw Amber’s face, fighting for the tears that threatened to fall. She stood up.

“I… I better go.”, Krystal spoke weakly in her hoarse voice.

“Krys, it’s late and ---“

“Please, Amber. Just… let me go.”, Krystal said desperately. Amber couldn’t read her intention based on her tone, was Krystal wanted her to beg for her? Or Krystal really wanted Amber to let her go? But what is the point anyway, she was confused, Krystal didn’t even know what she wanted. End of story.

“We’ll be fine…., right?”, Amber grabbed Krystal’s hand before she could walked out from the room.

 Krystal just plastered a smile, a sad and bitter smile that she was ever give to Amber. She let go her wrist from Amber and didn’t look back again.

It was a like a flashback, when Krystal first broke up with her few years ago. And again, the scene has repeated itself, it was like before, when Krystal walked away from Amber, Amber didn’t chase her and just stood there silently, watching Krystal slowly disappeared from her sight.