A/N: I think I am gonna write lots of flashback in 2018, so I will split it into two parts. 

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‘Are you crazy?’ was the respond via text message that Amber received when she told Krystal that she will fly to New York from LA to meet Krystal.

It was still early January in 2018, but Amber couldn’t bear the situation she had with Krystal. Since they had a little fight last year and left it hanging without any firm solution after Krystal said they need to stop the ‘friends with benefit’ thingy, things became awkward between them. Amber tried to pretend like nothing happened, wanting to start again in 2018 by posting on her Instagram that she was actually watching Krystal’s drama and all, she even tagged Krystal. But, nothing in return from Krystal. The girl just simply wished happy new year to everyone on F(x) group chat.

Amber wanted to repair their distance relationship. She was afraid that this time she will be losing Krystal. No matter what they had become, Amber still wanted Krystal to be the special one for her. So when she knew that Krystal went to New York, without thinking twice, she texted Krystal and informed that she will fly to New York to meet her.

‘I will book the ticket now. Please, Krystal. I just want to talk to you.’, she typed her reply and sent it to Krystal. She saw Krystal has already read her text, but still nothing.  Amber fidgeting her fingers and tapped her foot, nervously waited for the reply.  She was ready to book the ticket and fly immediately once Krystal said that she didn’t mind.

In New York, Krystal blinked her eyes once, twice, still can’t believe that Amber would make such an impulsive act to fly to New York and meet her, just for the sake of meeting her and talk to her. Since the incident, Krystal knew Amber tried to reach her, but she was indeed avoiding Amber. It was not because she was mad, but more because she didn’t know what to do. What happened between them was too much for her. They tried to stop it, they really tried. But they always failed. They actually knew there was a way out, but instead they refused to do it because they didn’t mind swimming in their confusion. And Krystal felt stupid about it.

But she knew she has to face it sooner or later. This is Amber she was talking about, not some random friends or people who she can just cut from her life. Losing Amber was the last thing on her mind, but she just wanted everything go back to normal. She had enough with complicated things.

She sighed and then typed the reply back to Amber. ‘Fine. Let me know when you will arrive’.

Two days later, Amber showed up at the front of Krystal’s hotel room’s door, grinning and act as normal as possible.

“Hey, Krystal!”, she said happily.

But the awkwardness was there. Krystal and Amber were tangled, whether they need to hug, or just said ‘hi’, or how? But Amber moved her body first and pulled Krystal in a hug.

“What do you think you’re doing? Flying here suddenly just to meet me?”, Krystal scolded Amber immediately after they broke the hug. Amber chuckled lightly. How she missed Krystal acting like this with her. Silently, she felt relieved that Krystal’s habit toward her has not changed.

“Happy new year to you too, princess.”, Amber replied nonchalantly, without answering Krystal’s question.

 Krystal smiles subconsciously hearing what Amber just said. “Alright, fine. Happy new year, Am.”

“Do I get to come in? Looks like a very nice room you have there. New York is damn cold, I could use some warmth inside your room.”, Amber said again, took a peek to Krystal’s room.

 Krystal furrowed her eyebrows, but her face blushed. And before she could say anything, Amber has realized that her words can give wrong interpretation so Amber immediately clarify.  

“No, I mean…. ---“, Amber suddenly became awkward, scratching her back head even though it wasn't itchy. She did not want Krystal to think that she's flirting, or what she said just now was an invitation to have a make-out session inside the hotel room. “I don’t.. – I don’t mean to like… -- you know.. cuddle to make me warm or something.. It’s just…, it is really cold outside..”

Amber looked down, she didn’t dare to see Krystal’s eyes. But she took a glance a little bit and waited for Krystal’s reaction. Krystal’s face turned soft after hearing Amber’s clarification. She found it cute when Amber stuttered explaining something.

She giggled. “Let’s go outside and grab something to eat or drink. Let me grab my coat first.”, Krystal then moved back inside the room to take her winter coat and scarf.

Amber eyes widened. “Are you serious? It’s really cooolldd outside, I feel like I am going to freeze.”, she whined.

“I am craving for a hot chocolate. Wanna go to…uhm… maybe Bryant park?”, Krystal really didn’t let Amber go in and quickly put her coat and dragged Amber to the elevator.

“Bryant park???”, Amber shrieked. “I told you I feel cold and you will take me to the park where there’s ice skating and stuff?”

“Oh come on!! I am not asking you to ice-skate. I just want to drink the hot chocolate there.”, Krystal insisted and she already took our her phone to order an online cab.

“Well, there are lots of places that will sell hot chocolate.”, Amber kept protesting, but Krystal just ignored her plea.

Amber can only let out a defeated sighed and followed Krystal to get into the cab when the cab was arrived. She knew that she, of course, couldn’t win when it comes to the princess' wishes.

Winter spirit was still clearly presented in Bryant Park when they arrived that evening. It was not that full of people as it’s nearly the end of January. But it’s still beautiful, the lights on the trees adorned the edges as they walk and lots of cute merchant stalls that include wares from artisans and local food vendors can be found. It was freezing, and as usual, Krystal automatically linked her arms to Amber’s and moved her body closer to add more heat to their body.

Krystal then found one place that selling hot chocolate that she wanted and bought two cups for her and Amber respectively. They opted to sit in a small bench near to the ice-skating rink, just drinking their hot chocolate while seeing people inside the rink doing the ice-skating. Some of them were falling while some of them can do the skate perfectly.

“I like it here. It’s a nice place during winter.”, Krystal said, her eyes stared at the ice skating rink.

Her mind wandering. She felt that this ice-skating rink was sort of an anecdote of her relationship with Amber. It was round-shape, where people skate around it over and over again, like she and Amber who also going around and round in this relationship. But regardless, people just enjoy it being inside the rink, when they fall, maybe it will be hurt but they just laugh it off and try again. Just like she and Amber, whereas they were actually enjoyed what they had, it was hurt when they had a fight, but they forget about it and start doing the circles again voluntarily. But the rink will change soon to become a normal park when the winter is over. How about their relationship, what season that can change this unhealthy things they have now?

“Soojungie…”, Amber’s voice startled her and brought her back to the reality.

“Uh.. – Sorry, Am. Did you say something?”

“I told you I watched your drama. It was good. I like it.”, Amber said, she smiled to Krystal.

“I am sorry that I was kinda… -- avoiding you.”, Krystal brought herself to finally admit what she was doing these couple of months.

Amber chuckled softly. “I understand. You don’t need to explain anything.”

Krystal smiled back. She sipped her hot chocolate. “What do you want to talk about, Am? I mean, you were flying here because you want to talk about something, right? Must be something important.” 

“Uhm…”, Amber mumbled. She didn’t know where to start actually. “Nothing important really. I just wanted to see you. You know, to make sure that we… --- uhm.. – we’re okay.”

Krystal was touched. She realized that Amber has never changed. Amber flew here, all the way from LA simply because she wanted things to be okay with Krystal. She could do it over the phone. But no, Amber proved to her once again that she meant a lot for Amber, how special she is to Amber.

“We are okay. We will always be okay, don’t you think?”, Krystal grabbed Amber’s hand. She looked at Amber’s eyes and smiled.

“I just feel we left things off like… --- hanging like that.”, Amber said in all honesty. “And I am afraid that will change the dynamic between us. I don’t want us to change, or become distance, I always want us to be.. – us.”

Krystal let go of her hands from Amber’s grip. “We always fight, Amber. But we always come back to each other, right. And I think, lots of our fights changed us already. In a good way.”

“We did quarrel a lot when we were younger. About everything, about music, about the recording, about the MV shoot, not to mention our love quarrel.”, Amber looked up to see the night sky of New York city and laugh quietly, remembering how many fights they had years ago.

“And look at us now. We fought the last time we met, but here we are again. “, Krystal said, a smile formed on her lips.

“You were so stubborn when it comes to music. I mean, you are our maknae but everyone must compromise with what you say.”, Amber glanced down and her eyes met Krystal’s. Her head tilts to the side and she smirked.

Krystal let out a small laugh. “I remember one time, Victoria unnie were actually mad at me because we need to change the music tone many times. But being a good leader she is, she had to hold her scold and be patient with me.”

“Let’s not fight again.”, Amber said in a stern voice. “Well, we still can have a fight when we make music. But other than that, maybe… -- I don't wanna fight anymore because of the thing that we did --- so let's just... -- “, Amber didn’t finished her sentence. She was sure Krystal understand what she meant. She didn’t plan to have another fight because of their weird relationship. She wanted to stop this ‘more than friends less than lovers’ thing, she wanted to free Krystal from the complicated maze they had created. Both of them need to do some introspection and listen to what their heart really says.  

Krystal looked at Amber’s eyes, trying to catch genuineness behind her words. She has no doubt that the love that Amber has for her never fade away, it was always there. Krystal understand, it has to wait, it needs to wait. Amber would not going anywhere, neither would she. But they need a clear vision and affirmation what their hearts really desires. 

“Last year will be the last time, deal?”, Krystal offered, whatever that means. It can be mean it would the last time they do the fooling-around thing, the last time they fight because of that, or both. Krystal then smiled and make a pinky promise gesture in front of Amber’s face. 

“Pinky promise?? Really?”, Amber said mockingly, but then they both laughed it off together. They both understand what they really need to do, for now. 

“So….”, Krystal tried to change the topic. But she knew what she was about to ask can lead to a heartbreak. A ‘too soon’ confirmation that they had to be back as friends, forcing out the platonic feelings right away. “You’re dating someone now? You know, that girl who called you?”

Amber kept quiet for a while. She was considering whether he should say the truth to Krystal. But she finally decided to answer it honestly, she didn’t want to keep any secret from Krystal. Not if she wanted to have a clean start with Krystal. 

“I am.”, she said, but a hesitation can be heard from her voice.

There was a glint of sadness in Krystal’s eyes. Krystal could not deny it, at some level she felt disappointed because it was so easy for Amber to jump into a relationship with someone else by the time Krystal asked Amber to stop doing the unhealthy relationship with her.

“But… I don’t think it’s going to work.”, Amber slowly added.

Krystal felt she want to jump in joyfulness when she heard that. Her heart relieved, but she kept her calm and just asked Amber the reason why she think the relationship will not work.

“I think it was too fast. At that time, I wanted to love and I wanted be loved. And I just… -- jump on right there. With this whole thing, and with the preparation of my mix-tape if I might add, lots of things are going on and I don’t think I will be.. ---“, Amber paused, trying to find her choice of next words. “I will be emotionally available for her. Before it’s too late, before it is going too far and hurt her more, I might have to end it. ”

“Well, I believe that you would do what is best for you and her.”, Krystal replied, her hand automatically found Amber’s head and caress her hair.

“Oh yeah I almost forgot.”, Amber said suddenly, she reached into her bag and hand-over a little flash disk to Krystal. “It contains my songs that I will release on my mix-tape. It’s still raw and it’s not all. But please, listen to it.”

“Do you want my opinion?”, Krystal asked, confuse why suddenly Amber gave her the mix-tape material.

“Well… your opinion will be a bonus. But… --- if you want to know about my feelings, just listen. Closed doors… it’s one of the songs where --- uh.. I wrote it based on.. –uh…-- anyway just listen to it, okay.”, Amber was faltered when she tried to explain to Krystal on why she should listen to the songs. There were actually few songs that Amber wrote to describe her relationship with Krystal, but she didn't want to give Krystal with the most depressed ones, not when she wanted to start fresh with her little princess. This time, Amber wanted to ask herself and Krystal to think-over what would be best for them, to hide, to bury, to forget, or to fight together. All will not be blurry if they did not rushingly mix their hearts and lust in a one beat, like they did this whole time.    

Krystal can felt her face flushed, hearing Amber probably wrote some songs based on their relationship. She didn’t expect that Amber will pour her feelings for her through a song. 

She cleared , trying to calm herself from the shyness that suddenly arose. “Do you want to stay at my hotel?”, as if like a habit, just blurted out that questions casually.

Amber just chuckled and shook her head. “Don’t think it’s a good idea, right?”

Krystal immediately realized what she said and shook her head as well. Disagreeing with what she just said. “Yeah, you right, of course. Sorry…, it just came out like that.”

Amber laughed. “Understand. Old habit dies hard”

Amber dropped Krystal off first before she asked the cab driver to send her back to her hotel. Both of them made promise that they will not let anything creating the distance between them, no matter how bad it is. What they have was always special, and they didn’t want to ruin it. Krystal gave Amber kissed on her cheek before she left the cab. But today they already have an understanding, they didn’t want to complicate their relationship no more.

Soon after Krystal arrived in her room, she just threw her coat and scarf and get her laptop to listen to Amber’s song.

When Closed Doors was playing, Krystal was stunned. She can actually feel Amber’s love blanketed her soul. As if she was drowning into Amber’s sorrow, her heart cracks a little bit, she can sense the pain, the frustration, a puzzlement that they both experience this whole time. The song depicts love, but there are many layers that reveals how much struggles and fear inside it.

Without even she realized it, Krystal tears fell down.

‘Do you think one day, we can stop hiding behind the closed doors, Am?’