F(x) was together again. It was unbelievable that they were now sitting around, face to face, being together again in Krystal’s house. But this time was different, there was no happiness drawing on their face, regardless the fact that they missed each other a lot. They gathered around in silent at the living room, their eyes looked puffy and red, and they were very exhausted, especially Krystal who had dark circle around her eyes. When they met this time, there was nothing to celebrate, there was no laughter, because they were together not for.. somewhat… the right reason. They just lost their beloved Sulli.

“I can’t believe that we got to be together again because of this.”, Victoria shook her head and let out a long sighed. The other members just looked at her in a plain gaze, agreeing with what Victoria just said in their mind.

Everything felt like a dream, it happened so fast and it was hard to believe. They refused to believe, but they can’t fight the reality. Lots of ‘maybe’ and ‘what if’ were clouded on each of their head, but it didn’t matter now, did it? Maybes and what ifs cannot changed anything right now. It’s done and she’s gone.

“I…. –“, Luna opened to say something, but whenever she want to say something the pain crawled back to her chest. Then her eyes started to get watery again. Victoria sighed and quickly pulled Luna into a hug.

“Ssshh…. She’s happy now, Luna. No-one can hurt her now.”, Victoria said trying to calm Luna who cried again.

Victoria moved her gaze to check on Krystal, who were leaned back herself on the couch with her eyes closed, her fingers were settled on Amber’s grip.

“Soojungie, are you okay?”, Victoria asked her, while still hugging and caressing Luna’s hair. The members knew that, this tragedy hurts Krystal a lot. She and Sulli were practically inseparable, they were like twins, best friends, soulmate, whatever you want to call it.

Krystal slowly opened her eyes, hearing Victoria and felt Amber’s squeeze on her hand. She smiled weakly and looked back at Victoria. Although she was smiling, but all the members can see a lot of pain in her eyes, mixed with a glint of tears that threatened to come out.  

“I… -- I don’t know..”, she replied weakly, being honest about what she felt right now. She really didn’t know what to think or what to feel.  

Victoria kept silent, thinking on what she should do to make things at least, a little bit better for them right now. She suddenly stood up from the couch. “Oookaay.. I guess we need something to eat, don’t we? What do you have here, Soojung? I will cook for you guys.”

“I have no ide---“, before Krystal can answer, Victoria already cut her.

“You know what, nevermind. I will create a nice food with whatever you have in your fridge.”, Victoria winked and smiled.

”Yay!! I miss your food so much, Jie jie!!”, Amber chucked and can felt her tense has reduced a little bit from her face, a smile formed on her lips.

Luna wiped her tears and forced a smile as well. “Ahhh… that’s right. It’s been too long, Vic unnie.”

Finally a smile can be seen from the three of them while they watched Victoria moved her body to the kitchen. They can feel a little warmth emerged inside the house. They missed this, a secure and safe feelings that Victoria can provide them in every vulnerable situation.  Victoria never failed to take care of them, taking charge as a leader should be and protect them like a mother would.

With limited food supply and ingredients that left at Krystal’s house, Victoria was able to make kimchi fried rice and kimbab. Once the food finished and Victoria put it on the dining table, a grueling sound can be heard from their stomach. Each of them just realized how hungry they are, because they didn’t really have an appetite to eat for this past few days.

Although the atmosphere was less depressing due to the food, but they were still eating in silent. Part of it because of how they enjoyed the food made by Victoria until they didn’t have the time to talk. Until a loud sigh was heard from Krystal and she abruptly threw her phone on the table.

“What’s wrong, Krys?”, Amber stopped munching the kimbab, a bit surprise seeing Krystal being grumpy.

“Hhh… Its.. –“, Krystal paused a little. Thinking whether she should let out her frustration on what she just read on her Instagram. “I am so tired whenever people bashing on me, just because I don’t post anything on my Instagram.”, she finally said, sounded really annoyed.

“Just ignored it. I mean, who cares ----“, Amber tried to calm her down but Krystal cut her immediately.

“I care!!! It bothered me, Amber!!!”, Krystal snapped. She looked at Amber with furious eyes.

Amber was startled with Krystal’s sudden burst. She gulped, afraid to say anything further to prevent more anger from Krystal.  The other members were also shock hearing Krystal’s tempered. They all stopped eating and but they all kept their silence. 

Krystal was also shocked when she heard herself throwing an impulsive rage at Amber. She immediately regretted it. She realized that Amber was just trying to calm her down and make her feel better.  

“I.. – I am…- I am sorry, Am. I didn’t mean to… -. I am sorry.”,  she shook her head, stuttered when she saw Amber’s confused face still looking at her.

Amber’s face softened hearing that. She has to understand that this was a hard situation for everyone in this room. And maybe Krystal was the one who affected the most. Amber needed to be patient and can’t let herself got provoked by Krystal’s action just now.

“It’s okay, Krys.”, Amber smiled, she caressed Krystal hair gently.

“Soojungie, what happen? It’s okay to tell us, you know. It’s not good to keep everything to yourself. You know that we’re here for you. No. We’re here for each other.”, Luna added, smiling at Krystal.

 Once again, Krystal felt a warmth was emitting in the dining room, but this time the warmth was also spread inside her heart. She was touched realizing that her members can sense that she was having a hard time in dealing with this loss and everything relate to it.  

“It’s just… -- I … -- I don’t care when people bash me about my resting face or about the way I talk or whatever, but not this… not about Sulli.”, she looked down and her eyes met with the plate that are still half full with the kimchi fried rice. Krystal exhaled a long breath,  trying to vent her frustration. “Do they know how much it hurts me?? I don’t want to post anything because if I post about her… -- about this thing… -- then whenever I open my Instagram, the pain will be there. I can see it and I don’t want to see something that is so painful everytime I check my Instagram. “

The members just watched her letting out her frustration. They were giving Krystal a time to explain whatever she felt right now in her heart, her burden, so they can help her and face it together.

Krystal sighed again, then shook her head. “I know this may sound stupid … --“

“No.. no. It is not.”, Amber cut her. Then she quickly grabbed Krystal’s hand and held it tight.

“They don’t know nothing about how you feel, Soojung. But us, we can see it. We all feel it. And I am sure she can feel it too.”, Luna stood up and moved closer to Krystal, gave her a big hug, assured her that they have each other to share the pain of this loss.

“Uhm… -- why don’t you forget about your Instagram for a while and enjoy my super delicious food?”, Victoria said, trying to change the topic.

Krystal finally smiled and chuckled a bit. “Your food is indeed delicious, Unnie. Thank you for making us dinner.”

“Which one better, my kimchi fried rice or the one that your sister make?”, Victoria asked her and eyeing her with mischievous look.

Krystal giggled. “I have to say….. yours…haha.. Oh my God, Jessica Unnie will kill me if she hear about this.”

“Let’s text Jessica unnie and say that she needs to learn how to cook better from our Vic omma.”, Luna supplies, pretending to take out her phone and started texting.

“Yah!!! Unnie, don’t do that!!”, Krystal slammed her palm to the table playfully, trying to threaten Luna. But Luna was just laughing, and so the other members as well. All of them, they were trying to cheer each other’s up. Because they knew that only them that can understand how they feel right now.

“So how’s everything between you two now?”, Victoria asking in a more relax manner. She was back eating her own homemade kimbab, pointing her finger to Krystal and Amber.   

Amber and Krystal looked at each other, before Amber answered it.  “Everything is great between us. It’s just, the distance was frustrating. What we can do is just to texting or face-timing. It helps a lot actually. But sometimes, seeing her on face-time just making me miss her even more. “

“Aaawww…”, Victoria and Luna said in unison upon hearing Amber’s statement, while Krystal blushed and looked embarrassed.

She slapped Amber’s arm. “Stop with the cheesiness, Stupid.” Amber just laughed at her own cheesiness.

“Amber, Unnie.. you’re so busy face-timing with Soojungie and now you never face-time with me anymore??”, Luna whined to Amber.

“Aaww.. I am sorry Luna. But that’s the demand of this little princess here. You know I am just a slave right?”, Amber joked and earned another slapped from Krystal.

“Ouch.. stop hitting me.”, Amber protested. But she received a glare from Krystal afterwards.

“Then stop embarrassing me”

“I am sure our Krystal will be okay and let you face-time with me. Right, Soojungie?”, Luna turned her face to Krystal, asking for confirmation.

Krystal just giggled. “No can do, Luna unnie. Amber is mine and mine only.”

“Hing…. Why are you guys so mean to me…”, Luna pouted, making the others and laughed at her.

“Hey…But Luna was right. You guys are so busy with each other you don’t even bother to call me although I was so far away from you both.”, now it was Victoria’s turn to complain.

“Aha!”, Luna smirked, happy because she got company to attack the couple who sat in front of her. “Now our Omma is talking. You two have to obey to Vic Omma.”

“Fiineeee.. Vic unnie, we will call you.”, Amber showed her defeated face and obeyed whatever Victoria wants.

“Just call me. I am not saying that you should call Luna as well.”, Victoria then glanced at Luna and laughed.

“Yah! Really, you guys are meaaann…”, Luna pouted again when everyone was gang-up on her now and teasing her again.

After they finished their very satisfying dinner, Amber suggested that they drink wine to relaxed their body and mind. They had been so tense this past couple days and they need some release, at least for tonight. Krystal still kept few wines, a red and a rose wine. The members chose the rose one instead, thinking that they might need a little bit of sweetness in their life right now.

“You know…”, Amber started after she pour the wine in her glass. “Eventhough she decided not to promote with F(x) anymore, but for me she will always be one of us, F(x).”,

Victoria smiled hearing what Amber just said.  “She will always be.. my child.. I remember how cute she used to be when she was just a little girl. Then suddenly she transformed into this big tall maknae among us.”, Victoria chuckled lightly. “A pretty one of course.”, she added.

“F(x) cannot be like what we are now without her.”, Luna sipped her wine, her mind wandering around at the time when F(x) was still promoting with 5 members.

Suddenly Amber raised her glass, proposing a toast to remember their beloved Sulli. “She can sleep in peace now. Goodnight, our Sulli.”

The other members also smiled at Amber words, and raised their glasses and welcomed Amber’s suggested toast. “For you, our Sulli.”

They were finishing their wine by talking about their lives, lifting up each other’s burden and sharing the loss. They all knew that it's not easy to get through this. Even now they were still cannot process what happened. They are gathered around now to share their sadness but they also strengthen each other at the same time, relying on each other and becoming each other’s anchor.  There was a hole there, but they will fill the hole together. They did not expect that they would lose her for the second time, and this time even forever. But memories will never fade, and they will never and they do not have any plan to erase them. Because all of them, including her, are one, they are F(x).

After Victoria left to go back to her hotel and Luna went back home, Krystal and Amber snuggled close together in bed, trying to fight their body and mind so they can sleep tonight. This time, they both were vulnerable and no-one was trying to be the stronger one. They need each other.

“It’s weird..”, Krystal suddenly said, her voice was so weak and it sounded like a whisper.

Amber heave a sigh. “I just… -- I can’t believe it.”  

“You remember that she always laugh, right?”, Krystal talked again, with a louder voice this time. Amber turned her gaze to face Krystal, ready to listen to her. “Everytime her face showed up in my mind, I always see her laugh. It’s adorable.”

Amber looked away from Krystal's face and stared at the ceiling. It only took a fraction of a second for Amber to remember Sulli's cheerful and laughing face. Amber closed her eyes, and the image of Sulli happy face make her smile immediately.

“Yes. She was our ball of joy.”

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A/N: I know that the topic in this chapter is a sensitive topic. I was actually thinking back and forth about writing a chapter about this tragedy before finally decided to do it. I hope that none of the words in this chapter offend anyone or anything. But if there was, I didn't mean to and I apologies. 

Sleepwell, Sulli. You are forever in our heart -