Author's Note: Important chapter :O   Keep the comments coming, I love reading them! Enjoy :)

Lose It

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"Don't you stop the music, get into it,

Won't you dance with me?

Find a place to lose it, you can do it,

Won't you dance with me?"

It was just after six PM when she heard the knock on the door of the caravan. ‘Come in,’ she said.

It was a woman a good deal taller than she was. She stood in the doorway and smiled a toothy upper-lipped smile and shifted a slight. She had a striking face and she wore a formal white buttonup shirt and slacks and her hair was loose halfway down her back. She looked younger than Wendy was. ‘Can I help you?’ Wendy said.

The woman smiled at her again. She took something from the pocket of her shirt and passed it to Wendy, sat on the end of the couch with her guitar on the table in front of her. It was a business card. In bold text it read GOLD STAR RECORDS. Underneath it said: Park Sooyoung, Senior Talent Relations Officer. Wendy turned it twice in her hand and looked at the woman. She had closed the door behind her and now she stood awkwardly in the middle of the floor and smiled and said, ‘Can I sit down?’

‘Sure.’

‘My name is Park Sooyoung. I’m the Senior Talent Relations Officer at Gold Star Records, just as it says on there. You’ve probably heard of us.’

‘Yeah,’ Wendy said. ‘Of course I have. Who hasn’t?’

‘Well, my job, as Talent Relations Officer, is to manage the existing talent we have and to search out new talent. That’s kind of why I’m here today.’

‘I don’t understand.’

She smiled again. There was something about her that seemed both impossibly young and very mature. A sort of free and good-natured spirit. She clasped her hands with a polite and formal smile and said, ‘I’d like to talk about possibly signing you to a professional contract with us at Gold Star Records. We’ve heard your EP and we like it. We think you’ve got potential, lots of potential. And that performance was really solid.’

Wendy just looked at her.

‘That’s my role – to sign interesting new acts to the label and help manage them. If you agreed to a contract at some point down the line, I’d be your manager. At least for a while. But all of this is provisional, of course.’

‘Is this a joke?’

‘A joke?’

‘Sorry,’ Wendy said, clearing . ‘Is this, like, some sort of set-up?’

‘No. It’s not. We want to sign you to our label. We’d be very happy if you decided to pursue us.’

For a long time Wendy just sat there. It seemed some sort of strange and wicked slumber from which there was no proper waking. The music outside was a soft and irritating bassline hum and the caravan was beginning to feel smaller than it had before. She said, ‘You want to sign me to a contract?’

‘Yes.’

‘After seeing my performance?’

‘And hearing your EP. We think you have a lot of talent, and we can help you realise that.’

‘What would it entail?’

‘That’s for later. We’ve drawn up a first draft of the contract you’d be signing. Obviously there can be negotiations and discussions. There always are in things like this. But if you like the sound of that, I can send you the PDF of the contract by email tonight. Provisionally, of course. You won’t be officially signed to the label until you sign in print. But you can have a look at the terms and conditions and see if it’s something for you.’

Wendy was silent. Any proper thought eluded her entirely. So after an eternity of that same terrible silence all she could muster in reply was, ‘Okay.’

‘Okay? As in—’

‘Yeah. Okay.’

‘Can I get your email address, then?’

She gave it to Sooyoung. Then Sooyoung repeated it back to her for clarification and she nodded and Sooyoung smiled but Wendy did not. Sooyoung talked to her for half an hour. When she was finished Wendy let her out and closed the door and sat again in complete silence while she chewed her fingernails down to the rawest point. She didn’t know what to think at all. She tried calming down and it was useless. Seulgi was her second option. The phone rang twice before she heard a humming on the other end.

‘Hey, this is Seulgi. I’m not here right now, leave a—’

She hung up and sat there watching the sallow lightbulb on the ceiling. The room seemed to dance and poke fun at her. Had she done right? Done wrong? She didn’t know. She thought perhaps she didn’t know anything at all.

It was almost nine PM that same evening when her phone rang twice in quick succession. She was already on the train back to Seoul. Outside the night ran on in a warped blur of lights like wisps lost out there to the violet dark. First it was Seulgi. She rang and said she was sorry she missed the call and Wendy told her it was alright. It could wait. ‘I’ll ring you tomorrow,’ she said.

The second was a few minutes later. She swiped her phone and held it to her ear. ‘Hello?’ she said.

There were multiple voices on the other end of the line, many of them garbled and distant and hazy, like voices underwater. And music. ‘Hello,’ Joohyun said.

‘Hey.’

‘How are you?’

‘I’m okay.’

‘Good,’ Joohyun mumbled. Wendy had to almost laugh. It was obvious she was very drunk and uncharacteristically talkative.

‘Are you still at the festival?’ Wendy said.

‘Yeah. I decided after a long time thinking about it that I’m going to stay for tomorrow. I bought a—’ she stopped and said something to Yeri or Jennie and held the phone back to her ear again and said, ‘I bought a Sunday ticket from some guy that didn’t want it anymore, so I’m staying for tomorrow. I kind of enjoyed it together today.’

‘Oh, cool. I’m glad.’

‘You were the best part.’

Wendy smiled and was silent.

‘I mean it. I’m not just saying that because I’m drunk. You were easily the best part. I love your voice so much. You looked really confident, too.’

‘No I didn’t.’

‘Yes you did. You looked like you belonged up there. It was great. It was— What? Yeah. Yeah, it’s Seungwan. I mean…Wendy. It’s Wendy on the phone. Yeah. No, you can’t. No— Whatever.’

‘Hello?’

‘Hello,’ Joohyun murmured. ‘Yeri says hi.’

‘Hi Yeri.’

‘She says Hi Yeri. Yeah. No I— Fine. Whatever. Jennie says hi, too.’

Wendy giggled. ‘Hi Jennie, too.’

‘She says Hi Jennie, too. Anyway, sorry about that. What was I going to say? Sorry, I’m drunk. I can’t remember. Oh, yeah! Do you want to come to a party tomorrow?’

‘What?’

‘Yeri’s hosting a party at her place and she wants you to come along. And I really want you to come along.’

‘Aren’t you at the festival?’

‘Yeah, but it closes at nine, and we don’t like any of the final acts. So we’re planning on getting the train back at seven, which means we’ll be in Seoul by nine, which means we can party from, like, half nine. It’ll be fun. Yeri’s inviting a bunch of people. I want you to come.’

Wendy thought about it for a moment. Her mind kept running back to Sooyoung and the contract. ‘Sure,’ she said idly. ‘Whatever.’

‘Yes! Okay, great. I’ll text you tomorrow, okay?’

‘Okay.’

‘I’ll give you all the details and— Hey, don’t drink that! I said don’t! Yeah, it is. Still. Yeah, okay. Yeri says hi again.’

‘Hi again, Yeri.’

‘She says Hi again, Yeri. Anyway. I’ll see you tomorrow.’

‘Okay.’

‘I miss you,’ Joohyun said, drunk and unaware she’d said it at all. And before Wendy could reply, the line had gone dead and she was alone again.

She was sat writing lyrics at her desk when Seulgi arrived. It was almost six PM. She answered to Seulgi carrying a shoppingbag in one hand. ‘Hey,’ Seulgi said, trademark smile on her face, the sort of smile that never failed to set Wendy at ease.

‘Hi,’ Wendy said.

‘Sorry about missing your call yesterday. I was super busy. Never even heard it ring.’

Wendy let her in and closed the door behind her. She set the bag on Wendy’s kitchen table and pulled out two Styrofoam boxes of food and two large banana milkshakes and set them all on the table. The boxes were stacked with spicy fried chicken on the bone and thick fries and pots of garlic and barbecue dip. ‘Figured I’d get something greasy on the way over,’ she said. ‘Help yourself.’

Wendy sat opposite and did indeed help herself. Halfway through a particularly tough piece of chicken Seulgi her fingers and said, ‘How did yesterday go, then?’

‘Went well,’ Wendy said.

‘Well?’

‘Yeah. Better than I expected it to. I actually managed to get up on stage and perform, so there’s that.’

‘I knew you could do it. I just knew it. I had this feeling you’d go up there and kill it. You’ve just got this special something, Seungwan. I’m telling you.’

Wendy smiled and ate. What she neglected to tell Seulgi was that she had been almost shamefully drunk the entire time and even intoxicated the only thing that had helped her through the performance was the sight of Joohyun down front, smiling up at her expectantly, the tranquillity of her, how utterly beautiful she was. She never talked about how the sunglasses had been to hide the fact she was crying and her lips had been trembling. But the audience had loved it. Gave her a very eighties feel, apparently.

For a long time they were silent. Seulgi was the only person who understood the true value of silence in the absence of anything meaningful or relevant. No pale attempts to fill the space with empty and awkward words. Only Joohyun was similar. Wendy wiped her hands on a paper towel and drank her milkshake and said as idly as she could muster, ‘I got a contract offer.’

Seulgi looked at her very suddenly. ‘What?’ she said. ‘What do you mean?’

‘From Gold Star Records.’

‘Holy . Like a record deal?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Are you serious?’

Wendy nodded. ‘I met with Park Sooyoung. Senior Talent Relations Officer. She said they liked my music and she liked my performance and they wanted to sign me immediately to a contract. I got the email last night with a provisional copy of it.’

‘Oh my god,’ Seulgi muttered. ‘What’s it like?’

‘One hundred million won over three years is what they’re offering. That’s not including bonuses and royalties from songwriting and album sales. And photoshoots, magazine covers, live performances, touring, everything else. Minimum two full studio albums in that time. And everything else that comes with it. I guess technically it’ll make me an idol. Or an almost-idol soloist. The contract is a bit vague on that, on purpose. I’ll be on music shows and stuff. That’s what the email said, more or less.’

‘Holy . Holy , I can’t believe it.’

‘I could almost make a hundred million in three years of working retail.’

‘It’s not about the money though, is it?’’

‘No,’ Wendy said truthfully. ‘It helps, though. But yeah. I don’t think I’m going to ever find a better offer than this. They said they’re willing to me send me a physical contract to sign as soon as I’m ready.’

‘Well? Are you going to?’

‘Yeah. Of course. The only downside is I’m signing away some of my individuality. Some of who I am.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I doubt I’ll be able to write and produce and mix and master all my own music. Maybe, but I don’t think so. And the contract doesn’t explicitly lay all that out. It’s very clever about that.’

Seulgi was quiet, contemplative. She picked up another fry and chewed it and said, ‘Well. It’s up to you.’

‘I know. I’m going to say yes. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.’

‘I can’t believe it. Genuinely. I’m so proud of you.’

‘Thanks.’

‘So proud. Come here.’ She pushed her chair back and her greasy fingers and pulled Wendy in for a big hug. The smile on her face was purer and wider than on Wendy’s own and for that Wendy felt almost a pang of guilt at not being happier. As she ate the last of her food she mulled it over. The eventual conclusion was that ignoring it would be best for the time being. Or so her warped and hurting mind told her. ‘Thanks for the food,’ she said. ‘Good idea. To line my stomach.’

‘What? What do you mean?’

‘I’m going to a party tonight.’

‘Whose?’

‘Joohyun’s.’

Seulgi made a face that said: Oh, right.

‘She invited me along yesterday.’

‘Did she watch you perform?’

‘Yeah.’

‘At Lost Village?’

Wendy nodded.

‘She went all the way out there to watch you perform?’

‘It’s not that far. What? Why are you looking at me like that?’

‘Nothing,’ Seulgi said, and was quiet for a long time.

When she turned up at the address Joohyun had texted her it was almost ten PM and absurdly cold. So much so that standing on the sidewalk outside the building she could see her breath form and dissipate in front of her and her teeth were chattering in her head.

She had already sent out the email. As she text Joohyun to tell her she was outside that was what played on her mind before anything else. Seulgi had left her alone just after eight PM and the first thing Wendy had done after that was send an email to Park Sooyoung at Gold Star Records asking her to post a physical copy so she could sign it on the dotted line and send it back.

Two minutes later the front door of the apartment block opened and Joohyun stepped out. She was wearing a similar black buttondown shirt to the day before and she smelt immediately of strong perfume and alcohol and her cheeks her flushed a bright pink and the smile on her face was half with the vodka and half with seeing Wendy. If she cared about the cold at all she didn’t show it. ‘There you are,’ she said.

‘Hey,’ said Wendy with a smile. Joohyun just stood there. Even drunk she would not hug Wendy and perhaps there was something strange in that but perhaps not. ‘Come on,’ she said, still grinning. She stumbled up to the second floor and Wendy followed close behind her. The apartment was three apartments on the same floor, all opened into one big party. It stank. Wendy noticed that before anything else. Before even how blinding the lights were and how makeshift it all felt and how sticky the carpet in the hallway was. They found Jennie stood leaning against the kitchen counter in the first apartment on the left. She turned to them and saw Wendy and smiled and said, ‘Hey. Nice to see you again.’

‘You too.’

‘Do you want a drink?’

Wendy said that she did. Jennie poured her a glass of rum and Coke and passed it to her and clinked glasses and said, ‘Cheers.’

‘Cheers.’

‘Where’s Yeri?’ said Joohyun.

Jennie shrugged and drank.

‘In the other apartment?’

‘I don’t know. Maybe go check before it gets busier.’

When Wendy looked around she wondered how it could possibly get any busier. There were people sat leaning against the apartment walls and people dancing and people hemmed in the corridor outside and everything was too loud and too sudden. Moving too fast. She could feel the awful way her heart began to race and her hands were trembling and cold and numbfeeling.

Joohyun seemed not to notice. She led Wendy through into the apartment across the corridor and said hello to a handful of people and introduced Wendy but Wendy wasn’t listening or paying attention. She stood there trying to calm herself down. The room was spinning and her head hurt and all she could think was: I’m a nuisance. I’m such a ing nuisance. Nobody wants me here. Not even Joohyun. She brought me along just to be nice. Out of kindness. I should just go home.

Joohyun said something else and she shrugged it off. She wasn’t listening. The music played and played and played and the walls were right there and it hurt to breathe. She thought perhaps she looked like an idiot. People would laugh at her. But what else was new? A nuisance and nothing else. All she ever did was get in peoples’ way.

‘Are you okay?’ Joohyun asked, and even stood there holding her head and fighting back tears Wendy could tell she sounded a lot more sober and concerned than before.

‘I’m fine,’ Wendy said, forcing a smile.

‘Are you sure?’

‘I just need some air.’

‘Seungwan—’

‘I’ll be back in a minute.’

She stumbled out into the corridor, nudging past a handful of people, drink sloshing about. A minute of searching found her the bathroom in the opposite apartment, thankfully empty. She closed the door behind her and stood by the mirror with one hand on the sink trying to still her wayward temporal breathing but it was impossible. She held her other hand out and the cup slipped and stained the porcelain of the sink in rum and Coke. A splash of it went over the tiles. The music was too loud even through the walls. Why did it have to always be music? Why was it always so loud? She slunk against the sink and sat leaning against the bathroom wall with her legs curled up to her chest weeping like a child and breathing far too heavily to be normal. Part of her thought she was going to die. The rest thought:

I’m useless. I’m so ing useless. Why does this have to happen to me? Why can’t I be normal?

She only noticed Joohyun when she heard her say, ‘Seungwan? Seungwan, what’s wrong?’

There were no more words to say. None that would suffice to make her sound anything more than pathetic. Joohyun locked the bathroom door and came and sat beside her and set her own drink down on the linoleum tiles. The stain of rum and Coke looked like a strange rust. She looked at Wendy for a long time. Crying into her knees. This poor lachrymose creature. ‘I’m sorry,’ she wept. ‘I’m really sorry. It's my anxiety.’

‘It’s okay. Hey, it’s okay.’

‘I’m freaking out. I’m so sorry.’

‘It’s okay,’ Joohyun said again. ‘You’re okay.’

‘I don’t know what’s wrong with me.’

‘Just breathe.’

‘I can’t. I can’t.’

‘You’re going to be okay. Just breathe out. Just like that. Slowly.’

‘I’m so sorry. I’m such a up.’

‘Don’t say that. You’re not.’

‘I’m embarrassing you.’

‘Seungwan. Seungwan, look at me. Hey, look at me. You’re okay. You’re fine. I’m right here.’

She put an arm around Wendy’s shoulder and her cheek gently with a cold and raw thumb and all Wendy could do was sit and cry and tremble and close her eyes and pray the world would stop collapsing and her heart would slow and she would still be okay come the morning. All she could mutter weakly was, ‘I want to go home.’

‘Okay. I’ll take you home.’

‘I’m so sorry.’

‘It’s okay,’ Joohyun said. She helped Wendy to her feet and looked at her with such profound compassion and understanding that Wendy had to fight away the crying again. Joohyun ran a hand across her cheek and brushed away a stray tear. She looked so vulnerable. So utterly broken. ‘It’s okay,’ Joohyun said again, voice soft and gentle and full of care.

The music had stopped. Wendy’s world existed solely as herself and Joohyun. She thought about a lot of things in only a few seconds. About her parents and her sister and Seulgi. About Yeri and Jennie and what they had said about her voice. About Lost Village and her performance and the anxiety and the drunken performances and the truth of her misery and what it meant for her. About university, old memories, lost times, delineations of former good things and bad. About parties and friends and acquaintances. About herself – Wendy, Seungwan. All of it had culminated in this. The music was silent and so was everything else. For once time appeared to have waited for her.

She thought about many things. What she did not think about was what she chose to do next. She closed her eyes and leant forward and kissed Joohyun with such passion and love she thought she would never be able to do so again.

The music returned, louder and harsher and more immediate. Her cheeks burnt and her head spun and she was going to be violently and unceremoniously sick. Joohyun pulled back and Wendy opened her eyes and wished she had not. She looked so confused. Almost betrayed. Whatever would happen in the future Wendy knew she had just shattered an irreparable bond of friendship between the two of them. An unspoken trust that could not be put back. Be made right again. Joohyun ran a hand through her hair and coughed and picked up her cup from the floor and said, in a voice that Wendy did not recognise at all, ‘Do you want me to call you a cab?’

It took her a long time to respond. She was not crying because she would not cry in front of Joohyun anymore. ‘Yeah,’ she said, barely a whisper. ‘Please.’

When she cab pulled up outside the apartment block ten minutes later she only had time to turn around and say, ‘I’ll see you soon?’

‘Yeah,’ Joohyun said. ‘Get home safe.’

She opened the door and went on in. Wendy just stood there. The cab was idling behind her. She turned her face up to the night and all was cold and there was no moon and the stars had hidden themselves from her. After a while she began to cry.