Solo

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"I need to be solo,

Freedom in the mono,

Find a space and let go,

I need to be solo, solo."

She spent so long staring at the wall in front of her she never even realised the engineer was talking to her until he turned off the backing track. Wendy looked about. He was sat behind the mixing boards just beyond the glass and she bowed her head and said, ‘Sorry. Did you say something?’

‘Do you need a break?’ he said. He was a small man with a lot of hair and his name was Seongwoon. She forced a soft smile. ‘No,’ she said. ‘Sorry. I’m good.’

‘We should run that back again. Sounded like interference on the vocals on the second run.’

‘Okay. Cool.’

When they had finished she thanked him and left with her bag before anyone else at the studio had a chance to talk to her. On the way out she ran into Sooyoung, stood just outside the lobby in her formal clothes. She looked at Wendy and nodded with a smile and said, ‘Finished?’

‘Yeah. That’s the last of them.’

‘Okay, great. I’ll talk to Seongwoon and the others and then everything’s going to be mixed and mastered. Then it’s full steam ahead on the album release.’

‘What comes next? After it’s all finished, I mean.’

‘We need to do photoshoots for the album cover and artwork. And the photobook.’

‘Photobook?’

Sooyoung nodded. ‘The photobook that goes out with every album,’ she said. Wendy was quiet. The truth was she still didn’t quite know how to feel. The songs were good. The sound was richer and more dynamic than anything she had made on her own and the synthpop dance influences were still there, but it wasn’t her. She hadn’t written it or produced it or even danced to it. And unlike so many others she had no hand or say in any of it at any stage.

Twenty-four days ago she’d kissed Joohyun on a whim behind a locked door in a stranger’s apartment. Pressed into the wilting claustrophobia of an awful bathroom by her own volition. Two days later she had shown up at Gold Star Records and signed the contract and within the hour was in the studio reciting lyrics someone else had written for her.

‘I should go,’ Wendy said.

Sooyoung nodded again. She looked as if she understood something was wrong but if so she made no mention of it. ‘This is going to make you very popular,’ she said. ‘I hope you’re ready for it.’

‘Yeah,’ Wendy lied. ‘Yeah, I am. See you tomorrow.’

‘See you.’

When she away from the building she rang Seulgi. The lined hummed three times before she heard Seulgi say, ‘Hello?’

‘Hey. I’ve just finished up everything at the studio.’

‘Oh, the last of the songs you said you had to do?’

‘Yeah. Finished up the recordings. Are you free tonight?’

‘Sure,’ Seulgi said with genuine enthusiasm. ‘You fancy going for a meal?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Same as always?’

‘Uh huh,’ Wendy said. ‘How about seven?’

‘See you there.’

Wendy said she was looking forward to it. The hollowness of every word. Standing on the street corner not really knowing what she was feeling. That night with Joohyun had only come back to her once and on that singular occasion she lay on her bed and cried for a long time. As if she had somehow compartmentalised it away from the rest of her idle daydreaming, knowing how much damage it could cause if allowed to run free. She had text Joohyun only once, an hour after the cab had dropped her off at home that night. It said:

I’m sorry.

Joohyun had read it and not replied. That was twenty-four days ago.

The night was very calm.

She noticed that before she even sat down. Out there across the Han River the city of Seoul lay dark and thin and shapeless in the night and the pale face of the moon warped and twisted on the water shone like a diamond moon and all night did stars burn in the sky and she was alone and it hurt to be so. The waterfront was silent and it was worse that way because it gave Joohyun time to be with her thoughts and that was a dangerous place to be. She thought: What do I do? Please. Tell me what to do. I feel so lost.

By the time Yeri showed up it was cold enough that Joohyun was shivering into her coat. Yeri stood there studying her like something from an exhibit. Poor and unfortunate soul as she was. ‘You’ll catch a chill,’ she said.

‘What are you, my mother?’

‘Just saying. I got you this.’

She handed Joohyun a coffee and Joohyun took it and held it up and drank with a wince. Even the coffee had gone cold. Yeri sat beside her and folded her legs one over the other and was silent for a long time. As if she understood. Then she said idly, ‘Are you gonna tell me? Or am I gonna have to guess? You haven’t been into work for three weeks.’

‘I know,’ Joohyun said. ‘I’ve got four holiday days left all year.’

‘So are you gonna tell me, then? Something’s got you like this. You’re not sick. Well, not physically at least.’

Joohyun was silent. She watched her breath vanish in the air and sipped her coffee and tried to fight back the tears because Yeri had not seen her like that many times before. If ever. Crying was a weakness to those who were embarrassed by it. What would she say? What would anyone. Eventually she allowed herself to weep. She did so for a long time. Yeri just sat there, hands in her lap, knowing Joohyun would ask for a hug if she were comfortable with it, knowing how averse she was to physical contact. ‘It’s Seungwan,’ Joohyun muttered.

‘What?’

‘Wendy. It’s Wendy.’

‘What is? Who is Seungwan?’

‘That’s her Korean name. Wendy is her English name.’

‘Oh. Right. Yeah, that makes a lot of sense, honestly. Dunno why I asked. God, I’m dumb.’

Joohyun didn’t laugh. She said, ‘She kissed me. That night at your party, she kissed me in the bathroom, just before she went home.’

Yeri was silent.

‘How am I supposed to process that? What am I supposed to do?’

‘Well.’

‘What do I say? I haven’t spoken to her since. She sent me a text saying she was sorry and that was it. What am I supposed to do, Yeri?’

‘Do you like her?’

‘What?’

‘Do you like her.’

Joohyun looked at her.

‘Romantically,’ Yeri said. ‘Do you have feelings for her?’

She thought about lying for a second. Then she thought about where it would get her and so she said truthfully, ‘Yeah. I do.’

‘Well then.’

‘It’s not that simple.’

Yeri only smiled at her. It was a smile far beyond her years, far older than Joohyun. Joohyun wiped her ears and drank off the rest of her coffee and watched the night. Watched the moon. Posing for this quaking ovoid of light a series of questions she yearned to hear the answers to:

Suppose I just went with it. What then?

Could I do it? Could I allow myself to?

Would I be able to?

Am I over it? Over them?

Is this who I am?

What if she becomes famous? What happens then?

And more. No answers came. The empty cup felt much too heavy in her hand. She shivered against the cold and chewed her bottom lip and said, ‘What do I do?’

‘I don’t know,’ Yeri said. ‘I can’t tell you that. I wish I could. All I can do is cheer you up when you’re like this. I’m pretty good at that.’

Joohyun looked at her and wiped her eyes and laughed. ‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘I guess you are. Thanks, Yeri.’

‘Any time. You know I’m right here.’

‘You’re a good friend.’

‘I try. You’re not so bad yourself, you know? Are you coming into work tomorrow?’

‘I’ve got the rest of the week off. So, no. Sorry.’

‘. I’ve kinda missed you, dumb as that sounds.’

‘Why does that sound dumb?’

‘Because it’s work, you know? You’re not supposed to miss people. Or something. I dunno. I’m rambling.’

‘Thanks for coming tonight.’

‘Like I said, any time.’

Joohyun smiled at her again. ‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘Really.’

It was Thursday she decided to go in person. Twenty-five days. She showed up at Noon Square in the mid-afternoon sun and for a long time she sat just out of sight of Coffee King, around the corner from the front of the store, telling herself it was all going to be okay. She would apologise and that would be that. But it was not so simple. Never was with Wendy. Ten minutes later she was still there. Now saying: You’re a nuisance. She’s ignoring you for a reason. She just needed an excuse to get you out of her life.

By the time she had decided on what to do it was almost six PM. She had been walking around like a vagrant for more than two hours. Her hands were still shaking in her pockets. Yeri was stood behind the counter when she entered. She caught sight of Wendy and said, ‘Oh, . Wendy.’

‘Hey.’

‘I haven’t seen you since my party.’

‘Yeah, I know.’

‘How are you?’

‘Not too bad,’ Wendy lied. ‘What about you?’

‘Oh, you know – same old.’

‘Is Joohyun about?’

Yeri shook her head. ‘She hasn’t been into work for a few weeks.’

‘What?’

‘Yeah. Since the Monday after my party, actually. Almost a month. Must’ve been one hell of a hangover.’

To that Wendy made no reply. There was no reply to give. She fiddled with her fingers and her head was pounding and she was desperate for painkillers or a drink of some kind that was stronger than coffee. Somewhere inside her rose a strange and unusual voice. It urged her to just speak up for once. To confront it head on. She said softly, ‘Can I talk to you for a minute, please? If you’ve got the time, I mean.’

Yeri studied her. Then she said, ‘Sure. I’ll just be a minute while I put the sign on the door.’

‘Yeah. Okay.’

She sat at one of the tables on the left tapping her foot on the floor while she waited. Yeri brought her out a coffee and sat opposite with a drink of her own and leant on the table like a psychologist. She was younger than Wendy had realised before and yet looked no less wise and perhaps that was why she was such good friends with Joohyun. They complimented each other very well. She and Seulgi were not so different. ‘What’s up?’ Yeri asked.

‘It’s a long story.’

‘Is it Joohyun?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Is it to do with you kissing her that night at my party?’

‘Yeah. How the do you know that?’

‘She told me,’ Yeri said. ‘Very recently, actually. And before you say anything else, or if you’re wondering – she told me she has feelings for you.’

Wendy looked at her properly.

‘Romantically, I mean.’

‘I don’t—’

‘I probably shouldn’t tell you this, but whatever. I hate seeing people fall out and fight over like that. Breaks my heart. Unless you were gonna say that you’re over her and you don’t like her like that and it actually was a big mistake. In which case…whoops. Ignore me.’

‘Are you lying to me?’

‘Why would I lie to you? And about that? C’mon. What sort of person do you think I am?’

‘She said that?’

‘Uh huh.’

Wendy glanced down at her Styrofoam cup. Her fists clenched and unclenched with her nerves and it was becoming hard to breathe or think straight. ‘What do I do?’ she said. ‘What am I supposed to do about this?’

‘I don’t know.’

‘I love her. I’ve had a month to figure that out for myself. I love her and I know that now. And I’ve ed it all up.’

‘No you haven’t,’ Yeri said.

‘I have.’

‘No, I really don’t think you have. I think you just believe you have because of what Joohyun’s like.’

‘What do you mean?’

Yeri paused. She pursed her lips in a manner that suggested she was hesitant about what to say next. ‘Joohyun is…fragile,’ she said. ‘A lot more than you know. God, I hate saying that. It makes me sound like I think she’s a baby or something, and not one of the most independent people I know. She’s not a baby. But she’s been hurt in the past. Hurt very bad.’

‘In a relationship?’

‘In life. Always ignored. Told she’s not good enough. The only time anyone’s ever paid attention to her is for her looks and not her talent or for who she is. And she hates that. It was one of the first things she ever told me about herself, was how much she hates it. How she wishes it were different. She’s been hurt by a lot of people. That sort of thing wears you down after a while. Even the strongest person would start to feel like it was true. And yeah, relationships as well. That's a pretty big factor. I shouldn’t be telling you this. She should do it herself. But if you love her and you want things to work, I think you need to know this beforehand. Look after her, Wendy. She’s not as strong as she pretends she is.’

Wendy could only sit and take it in. The coffee slowly cooling on the table. What else was there to say? ‘Where is she now?’ she asked.

‘At home, I expect. Where she’s been for the past three weeks, give or take. Like I said, this would probably make a lot more sense coming from her, but I care about her. I care about her an awful lot. And I don’t want to see her hurt again, okay?’

‘Yeah. I understand.’

‘Don’t hurt her, Wendy. Or I’ll hurt you.’

Wendy had to giggle. ‘Yes boss,’ she said.

‘I mean it,’ said Yeri, but she looked a lot less serious than she perhaps intended.

‘What do I do, then?’

‘Just talk to her. But make sure you understand her. Take the time to listen to her. To why she’s tried to block you out.’

Wendy laughed.

‘What? What’s so funny?’

‘Just…nothing.’

‘What?’

‘If you would’ve said that about any other person in the world, I would’ve scoffed.’

‘Said what?’

‘Just talk to them. For you, that’s alright. But I can’t do that. Not with my anxiety. It sounds pathetic because really there should be nothing easier than just talking to people, but I’ve never been able to do it. I start panicking at even the thought of it. I never approach people first. That’s what happened at your party. I had a panic attack in the bathroom.’

‘Oh my god, are you serious?’

Wendy nodded solemnly.

‘Like, an actual panic attack?’

‘Yeah.’

‘I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.’

‘It is what it is,’ Wendy said. ‘I’m used to it by now, awful as that sounds. But with Joohyun it’s different. It’s like I’ve never been afraid around her. My anxiety seems to relax when I’m with her. She’s probably the only person I could genuinely just work up the courage to talk to without thinking I’m bugging them or being a nuisance. It’s weird.’

‘Maybe there’s something in that. I think there probably is.’

‘Maybe,’ Wendy said. She took a sip of her coffee and smiled. ‘Thank you.’

‘For what?’

‘For helping me. You didn’t have to.’

‘Hey, after that performance at Lost Village, anything goes. That was some top , you know?’

‘My album’s coming out soon.’

‘Really?’

‘A few months, I think. I don’t know the details fully yet. With Gold Star Records.’

‘No ?’

‘No .’

‘Huh,’ Yeri said. ‘So I could be sitting with a famous superstar in, like, three months or so.’

‘Maybe. I doubt it, though.’

‘Promise me one thing.’

‘What?’

‘Promise you won’t forget me when you’re a big name, yeah?’

At that Wendy had to laugh. ‘Sure,’ she said. ‘You have my word.’

The realisation that her life felt directionless and empty without Joohyun only came to her when she was checking into the Gold Star Records building the next afternoon. She set her belongings down in the main recording room and took off her coat and hung it on the back of her chair and thought about that for a long time. Perhaps it was a bad thing. Perhaps the truly strange aspect was that she had known Joohyun a grand total of about four months, and in that time Joohyun had come to represent everything to her. The calm in treacherous waters. Candlelight on a dark eve. That was Joohyun. Or what Joohyun had once been.

It was half an hour before she saw anyone. She’d met a handful of the other artists – a couple soloists and a bunch of producers and writers many of whom had made songs for her at the behest of the company and an idol group of girls that had debuted only six months ago. But as befitting her she never talked to any of them first. Never talked to anyone first except occasionally Seulgi. And Joohyun. But that went without saying.

She was still sat at the desk reciting lyrics and listening to the unfinished versions of her songs when Sooyoung opened the door and knocked after she’d already entered and said, ‘I’m not interrupting anything, am I?’

‘Oh, no. I was just listening to some stuff.’

‘What do you think?’

‘I think it sounds good,’ Wendy said with a smile. The truth was it did sound very good, but it wasn’t quite her. It was missing a certain something. Joy closed the door behind her and stood closer and said, ‘I just came to tell you what’s going to be happening going forward. It’s regarding your upcoming album.’

‘Okay.’

‘The company wants to push Good For as the main single before we think about an album release. What do you think about that?’

Wendy nodded at nothing. ‘I think it’s a good idea,’ she said. ‘It’s a great song. I think it can do well.’

‘So do we. So, the plan now is to release Good For to the public as a standalone single in July, about eight weeks from now. But the date is subject to change, of course. And then we see how it does. The plan after that is to still release the album in August. That should give the single enough time to run its course before we drop a second single with the album.’

‘Okay.’

‘How do you feel about that?’

‘Sounds good,’ Wendy said. Her hands were shaking a slight and her fingers felt like ice. Sooyoung regarded her warmly and with great curiosity. She said, ‘You’ll come to me if you’ve ever got any issues or questions, right?’

‘Yeah. Sure.’

‘Anything.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Okay. Well, that’s all I wanted to say. I’ll let you know more about photoshoots and album covers and artwork when we’re closer to the date. For now, just focus on practicing for your performances and getting studio time in.’

She wanted to ask what for. None of the songs she’d write would ever make it onto the album. Nothing would. The stark and brutal reality was that her life was about to become a carefully curated museum piece she had almost no control over at all. But that was the price to pay for a small and misguided shot at stardom. Perhaps in a year it would be different. Perhaps not. She forced a smile and Sooyoung let herself out and only when Wendy was along again did she allow the façade to slip. She wasn’t crying because it wasn’t sadness, wasn’t misery. Only a hollow aching melancholy at what had passed and what was yet to come. And the thought of Joohyun again. Cold paths untouched. But all roads lead to somewhere, and all must eventually end.