Bigger Than Love

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"'We found love on an empty page,

Kill the stars above, trying to fight the fade,

And now my heart skips heavy underneath the waves,

We are done, We are gone."

When she awoke in the morning it was to a cold and empty bed beside her.

The covers had been thrown back and there was an impression in the pillow where Joohyun had slept tight and warm in her embrace and a wide white bar of sunlight from the window behind her. It was bright enough that Wendy lay there and refused to roll over for fear of what it would do to her. The bed was only barely big enough for the two of them and only if they cuddled but she found no issue with that at all.

She listened. The clock forever ticking on, cars outside, a patchwork repeat of her drunken escapades, waking with a blinding headache and a dry mouth and catching only the odd sound weaved into the fabric of things, like an aural textured print. She listened for quite some time. Until she could hear faintly the tapping of feet on the kitchen linoleum and a cough and then much louder the rattling of pans and the hiss of gas from the cooker and that made her dip her head into the covers and smile like an idiot.

It was warm that summer morning and very bright and Wendy could sense it even lying there listening to the sizzle of something in the frying pan in the kitchen. It smelt of bacon and eggs and the room smelt like Joohyun and she smelt like Joohyun and it all smelt so wonderful. So right. And if there were to be no other smell ever then her loss would not be for nothing. She was still smiling when Joohyun walked in five minutes later carrying two plates and saw Wendy still lying there and giggled to herself.

‘What?’ Wendy said, voice barely there at all.

‘Nothing.’

‘What’s so funny?’

‘Nothing,’ Joohyun said. ‘I got you breakfast.’

Wendy took a moment to just gawp at her. She was standing there in only her underwear and a thin cotton shirt and in the windowlight it was hard enough already not to stare like an infatuated child. All of this felt new and strange and she wanted to explore it to its fullest. Joohyun came and sat on the side of the bed and handed a plate and a knife and fork to her and she pushed herself up against the headboard and helped herself to the strips of fried bacon and the neatly done eggs. They were salted just the way she liked them and the bacon was panseared on the outside to a crisp crunch that made water.

‘Hungry?’ Joohyun asked in amusement.

‘A bit. Thanks.’

‘You’re welcome. Thanks for last night.’

‘For…’

‘Being so understanding. For being there for me.’

‘Oh. Right. I thought you meant—’

‘That too,’ Joohyun said with a sly smile. ‘I’m glad you’re a guitarist.’

‘What? Why— Oh. Oh, god, Joohyun.’

Joohyun only giggled. ‘How’s the food?’

‘Good. You’re a good cook.’

‘I like to think so. I’ve always thought people have the wrong idea about what it means to be a good cook. So many people seem to think you have to make the most complex and ridiculous dishes to be considered professional or whatever. That’s how you get people making burgers that are, like, a whole metre tall, and have sixty thousand different toppings, and most of them disgusting. I saw this menu online a couple weeks ago with this burger that had peanut butter and Nutella spread in it. Just stupid. That isn’t gourmet at all. A real “good” cook is someone who understands that most of the time, less is more. Basic is best. If you can cook good chicken and you can cook good bacon and you can steam vegetables properly, and you know how to make a couple seasonal dishes, you’re good to go. You know what I mean?’

‘Kind of. Mostly, yeah.’

Joohyun stabbed a piece of bacon and chewed and smiled and said, ‘I can’t wait for tonight. I’m so excited.’

‘It won’t be that good. It’s still just me singing cover songs and stuff. I’m not allowed to sing anything from my new album because of contract reasons.’

‘Why aren’t you singing anything from your EP?’

‘Doesn’t really fit in a late-night bar setting.’

‘Why not?’

‘Well, it’s all, like, synthpop stuff, and bars tend to only hire people who do acoustic tunes and have big voices. Nothing funky or lowkey like my own music. It just looks awkward and out of place. And I don’t get as anxious or as panicky when I’m just sat there strumming my guitar. That’s why I got the gig in the first place. I don’t mind, though. It’ll be good.’

‘I can’t wait,’ Joohyun said again. Wendy finished the last of her food and smiled. Part of her wanted to nod and agree and say Neither can I but a greater part refused to lie to Joohyun and the bitter truth was no amount of love and no amount of well-intentioned support could properly and fully overcome the dread in the pit of her stomach. The parasite that grew there. Performing anywhere at any time was still a Herculean task. She would not lie to Joohyun, but Joohyun never asked if she was going to perform sober or drunk, and so Wendy never told.

Joohyun wiped up the last of her egg with a piece of bacon and finished and took Wendy’s plate and disappeared into the kitchen. While she was gone Wendy thought on that. There was only so long she could bury her head in the sand and pretend the anxiety was a temporary bump in the road. Sooyoung would find out and then so too would the label. She did not know if they could rip up her contract and fire her nor did she want to. The hollow turning of her stomach was sign enough of that.

Only when Joohyun came back in did she wipe her eyes and forget it all again. The power with which she could ease Wendy’s mind was almost startling. She stood leaning against the bedroom doorframe and smiling and Wendy had to smile back. ‘What?’ Joohyun said.

‘You’re so beautiful.’

Joohyun brushed her hair out of her face and crossed her arms and uncrossed them again. For a while she just stood there. As if unsure of how to properly proceed. Love did not come easy to her nor had it ever. Wendy was much the same. ‘What time is it?’ Wendy asked.

‘Just gone ten.’

‘Are you doing anything today?’

‘Apart from coming to watch you, you mean?’

‘Yeah.’

‘No, I’m not.’

‘Well then.’

‘What?’

Wendy pulled the covers back and shuffled to the far side of the bed and patted the empty space next to her.

‘It’s ten in the morning,’ Joohyun said.

‘That’s nothing. I used to sleep in until, like, three in the afternoon at university.’

‘Me too. But that was university. And that was years ago.’

‘Guess I never grew out of the habit. Come on.’

‘We should do something.’

‘Yes we should.’

‘Something else,’ Joohyun said. ‘Something productive.’

‘Like what?’

Joohyun thought on this. Then she said, in a small voice, ‘Whatever. You win.’

It couldn’t have come at a worse time.

She was sat in the little side room backstage at Shape when Sooyoung called her to tell her the news. She took out her guitar from the case and answered the phone and nestled it between her shoulder and her ear so she could adjust the strings at the same time.

‘Hello?’

‘Hey,’ Sooyoung said, ‘are you busy?’

‘A little. But it’s okay.’

‘I figured I’d call you and let you know there’s been a last-minute change to the schedule of things going forward.’

Wendy stopped fiddling with the neck of her guitar and took hold of the phone properly. ‘What do you mean?’ she said, trying to sound as sober as possible. The bottle of soju on the dresser table was only a quarter full and she wasn’t properly drunk but the room had begun to wobble ever so slightly and she could smell the sweet tang of soju faintly on her own breath.

‘Okay,’ Sooyoung said, ‘the company’s going ahead and moving the release date of your single forward a bit.’

‘What?’

‘The original plan was to release the single in the second week of July and then release the album in the first week of August, as you know. Well, they’ve decided that because of scheduling conflicts with other acts and with our own artists, the best thing to do is to move your release date around. At first the idea was to push it back to the end of the year, but we found a nice little window a bit closer than that.’

‘What do you mean? When is it going to be released?’

Sooyoung was quiet a second. As if she were preoccupied on the other end of the phone. Then she said, ‘We want to release “Good For” as the main single in a week’s time on all streaming services. Then the album will be released on the first of August. That’ll give the single a good five and a half weeks of tracking and streaming to hype up the album before it’s released. And we can look at the trends and tweak accordingly.’

Wendy was silent. Outside she could the small and tinny voices of people murmuring among themselves.

‘We’ve also confirmed that your first live performance will be a week after the album is released – on the seventh of August – as part of the promotion cycle. You’ll be performing live on SNL as the musical guest.’

‘What? What do you mean?’

‘I’ll talk to you more about it closer to the date. I know this is probably a lot to take in, so I’m sorry to drop it on you right now. Are you that busy?’

Wendy looked about. Her hand resting on the body of the guitar in her lap had gone numb. ‘No,’ she muttered. ‘No, it’s okay. Thanks for telling me.’

‘Like I said, this was a last-minute thing, and it means we’re going to be rushing a bit to make sure the release of the single goes smoothly next week. We haven’t even shot a music video yet. We think we’re going to be going the route a lot of western artists go and releasing the music video a couple weeks after the song. That way we’re not rushing too much next week, and we can keep hype for the song at its highest. Wendy? Wendy, are you there?’

‘Yeah,’ she said, voice barely a whisper. ‘Yeah. Thanks for telling me.’

‘Alright. Well, I’ll leave you to whatever you’re up to.’

‘Thanks.’

‘I’ll talk to you some more on Monday.’

‘Alright,’ Wendy said. When Sooyoung had hung up she put the phone on the table and set the guitar on the floor and closed her eyes. Her heart was bouncing about and her hands were cold. She did not think about the single or the album or the performance. All she thought was:

Please not now. Please don’t panic now. Wait another two hours. Just give me this for now. Please.

Part of her had expected it to be a slight awkward for some reason but her fears were comically misplaced. It wasn’t awkward at all. Perhaps Seulgi was the sort of person that could not possibly be awkward with anyone. The first thing she did when she walked through the doors at six fifty and caught sight of Joohyun sat at one of the tables near the front under the low light was smile and wave and point toward the bar. Joohyun nodded back to her with a smile. She came over with a clear drink in a small glass and sat next to Joohyun with a glowing smile and said, ‘Hey.’

‘Hi.’

‘Good to see you again.’

‘You too,’ Joohyun said. She said no more. Sat scratching the back of her hands with the tension. Something about it didn’t sit right with her. She picked up her glass and drank with a wince and set it down on the mat. Seulgi said, ‘Have you seen her tonight?’

‘I came in with her earlier.’

‘Right. Congrats, by the way.’

‘Thank you.’

‘I’m happy for her. And for you, of course. But she needs something like this, I think. She’s needed it for a while.’

Joohyun just nodded with a smile. Thinking: Her and me both.

‘She’s good, is Seungwan. Too good. I’m really happy for her. She keeps telling me she’s found someone special in you.’

‘Does she?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Even before we were together?’

Seulgi shrugged. ‘Kinda,’ she said. ‘Is that weird?’

‘No. Not at all. I think I feel the same. In fact, I know I do.’

She held up her glass and Seulgi did the same with a soft smile. ‘Here’s to happy times,’ Seulgi said, clinking their glasses together. At three minutes past seven the lights dimmed on the small makeshift stage and Seungwan stepped out carrying her nylonstring guitar and bowed and waved and sat on the stool under the pale spotlight like a ghost performer. She was wearing a blue cardigan and a peachcoloured shirt underneath and the sight of her there in the lights was breathtaking. Joohyun studied her carefully. Nobody else would notice – perhaps not even Seulgi – but she did. The way Seungwan’s hands trembled on the strings and her lips quivered a slight when she opened as if to catch her breath before she began.

The first three songs were beautiful ballads. Her fourth song was a familiar acoustic piece in English that Joohyun had heard her play before. She sang it all without ever opening her eyes. There was a slight hitching verve in her voice and her lips never stopped quivering and Joohyun glanced at Seulgi in the dark and saw her smile and the glimmer of adoration in her eyes and knew in that moment that only Joohyun herself understood that something was wrong. Even Seulgi was blind to it. Her hands and her lips, , the way she her lips after finishing each song and held a hand out to still herself. To find some desperate balance. Something was not right at all.

It was a short forty-minute set. The crowd were silent in appreciation throughout it all. The final song was a slow English house track Seungwan had rearranged into a stunning guitar ballad. She sang:

If you gave me a million reasons,

I could never tell you why,

I can’t say what I believe in,

I just feel it inside

It seemed only with this last song did she come alive. Joohyun’s eyes never left her once. She strummed a thin and airy refrain as she sang the song to its close:

As the rain falls, I listen

To the rhythm of your heart,

Though we may never be together again,

I know we’ll never,

I know we’ll never be apart.

She played out the last lingering note and moved her hand away from the strings and stopped. The room was silent to a fault. She opened her eyes and whispered thank you and bowed and allowed the applause its due time. Seulgi was clapping most of all. Joohyun just sat there, the only person in the room not on their feet or clapping their hands. Something was wrong.

Twenty minutes later they caught her coming out of the backroom and called her over and had a drink and talked over the performance and other things aside. As they did Joohyun studied Seulgi across the table. Did she notice these things as Joohyun did? And if so, was she better at hiding it? Why did she not say anything? The first thing Joohyun realised when Seungwan had come out of the room backstage was that she had been drinking. The smell of soju was all over her. But if Seulgi knew this also, she never made any attempt to show it. It was all smiles and positive reinforcement.

She finished the last of her drink and smiled at the pair of them and said, ‘I should go.’

‘Already?’ Seungwan said.

‘I’ve got dance class tomorrow at ten. I don’t wanna miss it. It’s important if I want to be leading my own choreo in the future.’

‘Oh. Right.’

‘Was fun tonight. You did amazing.’

‘Thanks.’

‘Good meeting you again.’

‘You too,’ Joohyun said. Seulgi stood and pulled Seungwan in for a hug and did not do the same for Joohyun. She smiled and said goodbye. When they were alone Joohyun just looked at Seungwan over the table.

‘What?’ Seungwan said.

‘Are you okay?’

‘What?’

‘You didn’t look okay. Up there, I mean. And you’ve been drinking.’

‘What—’

‘I smelt the soju.’

Seungwan looked down at her hands. ‘I was just nervous,’ she said. ‘Like I always get. I started panicking a bit.’

‘Even with me here?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Are you sure you’re okay?’

Seungwan smiled a hollow smile. ‘I’m fine,’ she said. ‘Let’s go.’

The wait in the meeting room felt far too long.

Wendy sat near the front of the long table on her own. The glass windows all around the room had not had the blinds pulled down and she felt like a science experiment in a tank, bared to the rest of the offices outside. The TV at the far end was turned off and the clock ticked on too loudly and her right foot was tapping the carpet against her will. She did not know what Sooyoung wanted but she had a good idea. Her phone had not stopped buzzing all morning. Half a dozen messages from both her parents and her sister and a dozen from Seulgi and two dozen from Joohyun, mostly telling her how much she loved her and how proud she was. A handful of texts from people she hadn’t heard from in years. People she never even knew had her number.

Sooyoung stepped into the room five minutes later and closed the door behind her. She had a folded of documents in one hand and a pen in the other and she looked at Wendy and smiled and sat at the head of the table and wheeled her chair closer. ‘Sorry I’m late,’ she said.

‘Are you?’

‘Maybe. I don’t know. Anyway, how are you this morning?’

‘Good,’ Wendy said, and it was partially the truth.

‘I take it you’ve seen Melon this morning?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Number one on the realtime charts. Two roof hits. We’re looking at an easy number one on the daily chart. And number one on the other four charts, too.’

‘An all-kill.’

‘Yeah, an all-kill. Congrats. We didn’t expect this level of success so soon, even with all the promo, but sometimes these things just happen. Congrats, Wendy.’

‘Thank you,’ Wendy said. ‘Really.’

‘How are you feeling?’

‘Nervous. Weird. It’s like I haven’t yet come to terms with it, which I suppose makes sense. Like it doesn’t quite exist to me. Maybe because it’s only been about a day or so.’

Sooyoung nodded in understand. There was something she wasn’t saying and it was obvious to Wendy. She put the folder on the table and opened it like a book and took out a paperclipped sheaf of documents from inside. ‘Okay,’ she said. ‘I’m going to tell you why I really called you in this morning.’

Wendy was quiet. Sooyoung flicked through the documents and handed them to Wendy and let her read them. When she was finished Wendy put them on the desk and said, ‘I don’t understand. Do I sign this?’

‘Yes. On the dotted line on page six.’

‘Now?’

Sooyoung nodded.

‘I don’t understand.’

‘It’s a contract amendment. You’re required to sign it now that you’re in the public eye, now that you have music officially trademarked and licensed under our umbrella. It’s what I was talking about the other week. Rules and regulations. Things you can and can’t do, roughly. There or thereabouts.’

‘Like be seen talking to male idols in public?’

‘Like that,’ Sooyoung said dismissively.

‘Or be in a relationship?’

‘It never explicitly says that.’

‘But it implied it.’

‘It implied it would be better for your career if you weren’t caught dating. But it never said you’re not allowed to date. There’s no rule against dating. Obviously if you’re ever asked that question on a broadcast, you’ll have to pretend it’s a hard-line ban. It’s what the fans want to hear. But it’s not written in there that you can’t. Just keep it hidden. And if you can’t do that, or if there’s any reason why that might be difficult down the line, maybe think about not dating for a while. Or seeing anyone.’

‘I don’t understand,’ Wendy said again. Her hands were shaking and she picked up the documents and flicked through them as if it might provide some relief or some distraction from her uncontrollable trembling. ‘I’m not an idol.’

‘You’re idol-adjacent.’

‘What? What does that mean?’

‘You’re in the same company as idols, and you’ll be around idols, and you’ll be promoted to the public like an idol. You’re not, say, a trot singer, or a balladist. So, idol-adjacent.’

‘You mean I’ve got to abide by all this bull as well, then?’

‘It’s nothing too serious,’ Sooyoung said calmly.

‘Yes it is. This is Draconian.’

‘It’s honestly not. I think you’re overreacting a little.’

‘What if I don’t sign it?’

‘Don’t be silly. This is your career.’

‘Is it? What happens if I don’t sign it?’

Sooyoung smiled and pushed her chair back and stood. ‘I’ll give you time to read it over again,’ she said. ‘How long do you need?’

When Wendy refused to reply she said softly, ‘I’ll come and find you in the afternoon. Congratulations again. I’m really happy for you.’

Wendy thumbed through the documents again. She did not know what to think or how to go about thinking it. It wasn’t long before she began to cry, a sort of strangled cry she tried to fight back and pretend was not happening at all, the type of weeping that made her look like she could not keep her emotions in check. Thinking: You’re pathetic, Seungwan. What are you doing?

Ten minutes later she wiped her eyes and pulled out her phone. There were two unread texts from Joohyun. One thirteen minutes ago that read:

Just heard them playing your song outside omg! I was freaking out haha

And then another that read:

How did the meeting go??? Are you free? I’m on my break rn and I’ve got some news! Good and bad ☹

She swiped across and rang and waited. Her breathing had become erratic and laboured and it hurt to swallow her saliva. Joohyun picked up a moment later. She sounded so cheerful it was almost alarming. ‘Hey,’ she said. ‘Hey, are you there?’

‘Yeah,’ Wendy said. ‘Sorry.’

‘Well? How did it go? What did she want?’

‘Nothing important. Just to congratulate me, mainly.’

‘Oh, cool. Are you dropping by the store? Or are you going to be there all day?’

Wendy closed her eyes. Just the sound of Joohyun’s voice was enough to make her cry again. ‘I’ll drop by,’ she said, mustering as much sensibility as she could. ‘I’ll be there around four or so.’

‘Alright. Hey, you’ll never guess who I’ve just got off the phone with.’

‘Who?’

‘Wendigo Books.’

‘The publishing company?’

‘Yeah,’ Joohyun said. The enthusiasm in her tone was infectious.

‘What did they say?’

‘They’ve scheduled in a meeting with me at the earliest possible date. That’s the good news. Do you want the bad news?’

‘What’s the bad news?’

‘It’s August the seventh.’

‘The same day as my SNL performance.’

‘Yeah. I’m really sorry. I tried convincing them over the phone that any other date would be better but they wouldn’t have it. They basically said it was then or sometime next year because of schedules and arrangements and stuff. But if you need me there I can always wait until—’

‘No,’ Wendy said. ‘Don’t be silly. Your publishing deal is the most important thing for you. I’ll be fine. I’m so proud of you.’

‘Thank you,’ said Joohyun. A pause. Then she said quietly, ‘Are you okay?’

‘What?’

‘You sound a little funny.’

‘I think I’ve come down with a cold or something. Or maybe I’m just still nervous. Anyway, I’ve got to go. Congrats again. I’m proud of you. I’ll see you soon.’

‘Yeah. Love you.’

‘Love you too,’ Wendy said. She let Joohyun hang up first. Then and only then did she begin to cry again.