Heart Strings

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"'You were the best thing for me,

Stole my mind and found my dreams,

Baby if only you could see,

Heart strings, heart strings."

She didn’t know where it came from or why she said it and it was strange because that sort of thing had never come easily before. She’d always been embarrassed to say anything of the sort. Relationships, friends, events, happenings. All the same. But sat on the couch with Seungwan curled in her arms she said, out of the blue, ‘You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, you know that?’

‘What?’

‘Yeah.’

Seungwan was quiet. They were sat in silence with the TV turned off. Enjoying things that rarely were enjoyed. The smell of lavender, the pale autumn sun. She shifted in Joohyun’s arms and said, ‘You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, too.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah. You make me feel like life is worth living.’

‘Don’t say that. I don’t like the sound of that. It makes it sound like you wouldn’t believe life was worth living if I wasn’t here.’

‘Yeah,’ Seungwan said, ‘come to think of it, it did sound a bit like that, didn’t it? I didn’t mean it to. I just meant…whatever. You make me feel complete. You make me believe in myself. I know I’ve said this before, but it’s like, when you’re around I can be myself properly. I don’t have to be Wendy. I can just be Seungwan. And it’s similar with Seulgi and my family, but with you it’s still different. I’m never nervous. You calm me down. You’re the relief for my anxiety. And I don’t know what I’m going to do on tour when you’re not there with me.’

‘Maybe you could bring me along. Like a tour groupie, you know?’

Seungwan giggled. She shifted a slight and lay back so that she was wrapped in Joohyun’s embrace. ‘Maybe,’ she said, kissing Joohyun’s hands, draped languidly over her chest. ‘That might be a good idea.’

‘If I didn’t have work, I might consider it. In fact I’d definitely consider it. But you’ll be fine without me. I know you will. And I’ll be there in spirit. And, you know…over the phone. I’m not going incognito or anything. You can still call me whenever you want.’

‘What if—’

‘What did I say to you the other day?’

‘Any time.’

‘Yeah,’ Joohyun said. ‘Any time. Even if it’s the middle of the night – if you’re feeling down, or you’re feeling scared, or anxious, or pensive, or you start doubting yourself, or just want to chat, you pick up the phone and you ring me, okay? And I’ll answer. Doesn’t matter when or where. I’ll answer.’

‘You’re the best,’ Seungwan mumbled.

‘I know.’

‘Seriously the best.’

‘We should do something today. Don’t you have practice anyway?’

‘What sort of practice?’

‘I don’t know,’ Joohyun said. ‘Like, tour practice or something? Or vocal warmups? I don’t know. I’m not a musician.’

‘No,’ said Seungwan. ‘I don’t. And even if I did, I’d call in sick.’

‘Sure.’

‘When are you working?’

‘Four until ten.’

Seungwan leant an arm lazily over the table and picked up her phone and thumbed the home button. It read 2:42 PM. ‘Just a bit longer,’ she said.

‘I should go soon.’

She snuggled back into Joohyun, warm and soft and smelling faintly of lavender and perfume and peppermint. ‘A bit longer,’ she mumbled, closing her eyes. ‘Just ten more minutes.’

‘Okay,’ Joohyun said. She was smiling ear to ear. ‘Ten more minutes. Or fifteen.’

She was sat writing lyrics at the desk in the studio room when her phone hummed. She picked it up and swiped with a smile and said, ‘Hey.’

‘Hey,’ Joohyun said. ‘Can you let me in?’

‘What? I’m not at my—’

‘I know. I meant the studio. Can you come and let me in, please? I’m stood out here and it’s freezing cold.’

‘What are you—’

‘Please?’

Wendy looked about. As if she might be with someone else, or this might be a joke from Sooyoung or something. But she was alone and the tiny rehearsal room was empty save for a microphone stand and keyboard to her right and a single set of drawers mostly empty. ‘Where are you?’ she said.

‘I’m outside. Like, standing right outside the front entrance.’

‘Are you kidding me?’

‘No. Please let me in. Pretty please. With a cherry on top. And whipped cream. I’m so cold.’

‘Okay,’ Wendy said. ‘Just wait there a minute.’

Her hands were shaking as she walked back down the hall toward the lobby. She smiled at the receptionist – whose name she still had yet to learn – and went on through to the vestibule, the long sliding glass doors and the front entrance. Joohyun was stood there in a leather jacket shivering against the pale cold of the day. Her breath caught in the air and vanished and she rubbed her arms and saw Wendy and grinned. With her hair pinned back and fluttering a slight in the wind she looked almost too lovely to comprehend. As if she had walked out of a fantasy of some description. Wendy swiped her keycard and let her in and only when they were in the corridor and nobody could hear them did she say, ‘What are you doing here? You’re not supposed to be here.’

‘I figured I’d drop by and say hi. And see what this place is like. It’s pretty cool so far.’

‘What if somebody sees you?’

‘Like who?’

Wendy thought about it. The pout on her face was so adorable Joohyun had to laugh. There was a glow to her cheeks and a spring in her step that Wendy had noticed before she’d even made it through the lobby. She opened the studio room door and closed it behind them and stood awkwardly while Joohyun sat on the only chair and wheeled it about and hummed to herself in joy.

‘What’s got you so happy?’ Wendy said, but the butterflies in her stomach told her she already knew. She just wanted Joohyun to say it anyway. And then she did. She wheeled her chair back behind the desk and grinned ear to ear and said, ‘I got the deal. The book deal. I got it.’

‘Are you serious?’

‘Super serious. That’s where I’ve been all afternoon. I apologised to them and they said they understood and we sat down and hashed it out and yeah. They’ve agreed to a two thousand-print copy of my short poetry book, seventy-five percent Korean, twenty-five English. And they’ll cover all marketing expenses on my behalf, as long as I put in effort. Which I’m obviously going to do.’

‘Oh my god,’ Wendy said, smiling just the same. ‘That’s so good!’

‘I know. I couldn’t believe it myself. I was going to ring you but I figured it would be better to just come and surprise you. Sorry.’

‘That’s so amazing,’ Wendy mumbled. For a minute she just stood there, awkward and alone in the middle of the room, dawdling like an idiot. She looked about. As if another chair might materialise itself. Joohyun grinned and hummed and wheeled her chair about idly. She seemed to be in the clouds. ‘So,’ she said, ‘what are you doing? Writing lyrics?’

‘Yeah.’

Joohyun flicked through the notepad on the desk. ‘This is all in English.’

‘I know.’

‘Are you planning on releasing a song in English?’

‘I don’t know. Like I said, I’m not allowed to release my self-written music. At least, I haven’t been so far. I can’t seem them starting anytime soon.’

‘I think you’d be surprised. I think they probably realise how talented you are. Or at least your boss does.’

Wendy was quiet. Joohyun thumbed through the pad and closed it again and smiled and said softly, ‘Did I surprise you?’

‘A little.’

‘Sorry.’

‘It’s alright. I don’t mind. Was kind of a welcome distraction.’

‘Oh, so I’m a distraction now?’

‘You know what I mean.’

‘Maybe,’ Joohyun said. She leant back on her chair and pouted. ‘Six days,’ she said.

‘I know. Don’t remind me.’

‘How are you feeling?’

‘Nervous, but excited. A lot more excited than I thought I would be. Maybe it’s the medication. Maybe it’s the thought of finally going out there and doing what I’ve always wanted to do but have never had the confidence to go through with. Or maybe it’s just whatever you’ve done to me.’

‘Put you under my spell.’

‘Something like that.’

‘Come here,’ Joohyun purred. She made a motion for Wendy to sit in her lap and she did, soft and good and smelling of sandalwood and oranges and dark chocolate. ‘I love you,’ Joohyun said. ‘And I’m going to miss you so much.’

‘I’m going to miss you too. But we’ll FaceTime every day.’

‘Yeah, you’re damn right we’ll FaceTime every day. Or at least every other day, assuming I don’t get bored of you.’

‘Very funny.’

Joohyun just laughed. Wendy leant in and kissed her and she kissed back and s an arm around Wendy’s waist and giggled into the kiss and ran a hand across her cheek and was interrupted by the click of the doorknob and a faint square of light from out in the corridor.

They snapped around so fast Wendy could have suffered whiplash. Sooyoung took one look at them and cleared and tried not to laugh. Her hand never left the doorknob. ‘Sorry for interrupting,’ she said.

Wendy stood and brushed herself down. Her cheeks had gone red. ‘We weren’t doing anything…you know. I mean, we weren’t, you know, like…’

‘Yeah.’

‘We were just talking.’

‘Uh huh,’ Sooyoung said with a wry smile. ‘Can I speak to you when you’ve got a minute?’

‘Sure. We can talk now.’

‘Oh, no. It’s okay. Don’t let me keep you from…you know. Just talking.’

When she was gone Joohyun broke out into laughter. ‘Don’t do that,’ Wendy said, blushing.

‘Do what?’

‘Laugh.’

‘Why not?’

‘It’s embarrassing.’

‘She didn’t seem to care.’

‘But what if somebody else did?’

‘Well, it’s a good thing it wasn’t somebody else then, isn’t it? Come here.’

‘You should go,’ Wendy said.

Joohyun just pouted. ‘I’m going to miss you,’ she murmured.

‘I’m not going yet. And I’m not dying. You make it sound like you’ll never see me again.’

‘I like being dramatic.’

‘I’ve noticed.’

‘Do you have to get back to work?’

‘I wasn’t working. Not technically. I just come here to write lyrics because it chills me out. There’s nothing to lose my mind in.’

‘Well,’ Joohyun said. She wheeled the chair forward and tugged Wendy toward her by the waistband of her jeans. ‘How about you take a break for a bit?’

For some reason her heart had an intolerable rhythm to it. She had not been so nervous in a long time. And the moment she heard the knock at her front door Joohyun thought her heart might leap right out of her chest. It was only when she answered to both Seungwan and Seulgi did it slow again. ‘Oh,’ she said, smiling. ‘Hey.’

‘Hi,’ Seungwan said. ‘Figured I’d bring a friend.’

‘Sorry if I’m barging in on anything,’ Seulgi said, looking genuinely apologetic. ‘I can, like, go home if you want some alone time. I know she’s going away in a couple days. I just figured, you know—’

‘No,’ Joohyun said, ‘it’s fine.’

‘I told her we were planning on watching a couple horror films,’ said Wendy. ‘She’s a big fan of scary stuff.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Huge,’ Seulgi said with an adorably ditzy smile. She had a very round face. For some strange and rather amusing reason this was all Joohyun could think of. Seulgi held up the shoppingbag in her hand and said, ‘I brought snacks. As a housewarming present.’

‘Cool. Come on in.’

‘I’ll set up your TV,’ Seungwan said. When they were in the livingroom Joohyun excused herself to the bedroom and grabbed the giftwrapped box she’d prepared and stuffed it in the top drawer beside their bed. Seulgi and Seungwan were sprawled out on the floor around the coffee table. There were packets of potato chips and candy bars and a box of Belgian chocolates and two bottles of white wine and a dozen plastic cups that hadn’t been opened yet.

‘Oh my god,’ Joohyun said, sitting herself down on the couch. ‘Who brought the chocolate?’

‘Me,’ Seulgi said. ‘Help yourself.’

‘What are we watching?’

Seungwan fiddled idly with the remote. ‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘Something good. What’s a good scary movie?’

‘I don’t know. Pick anything. I don’t mind.’

Seulgi glanced at both of them. In the narrow evening light it was hard to make out much beyond the glare of the TV and whatever seeped in through the blinds and they refused to turn the lights on. ‘I’m not intruding on anything, am I?’ she said. ‘Like, I don’t wanna make it awkward. And if I’m just gonna be third-wheeling all night while you two make out or something, then—’

‘It’s fine,’ Joohyun said with a smile. ‘It’s good to see you again.’

‘Yeah. You too.’

It was almost midnight when they said goodbye to Seulgi. On her way out she gave Seungwan a big hug and then she hugged Joohyun and the fact that Joohyun allowed this was not lost on Seungwan. She studied her with a warm and proud smile. Joohyun turned off the TV and cleared away the empty containers and the bottles of wine and went on into the bedroom ahead of Seungwan. She was a little drunk and quite a lot bold and standing by the full-length mirror she saw the delicate pink tinge of her own cheeks and had to laugh.

‘Hey,’ Seungwan said from the doorway. ‘What’s up?’

‘What?’

‘You were pouting tonight. I don’t like it when you’re pouty.’

‘Was I?’

‘Was it Seulgi? I’m sorry—’

‘No,’ Joohyun said. ‘Well, a little. I like Seulgi. It’s just…’

‘What?’

She was hesitant. Seungwan motioned for her to continue and instead she opened the bedside drawer and took out the giftwrapped box and handed it to her. ‘What’s this?’ Seungwan said.

‘Open it and see. I wanted to give it to you earlier, when you came home.’

Inside, underneath the neatly crossed bow and the creamcoloured box, was a small necklace with a garnet pendant in the shape of a crescent moon and a single key on a brassplated fob. Seungwan held them both up in the narrow bedside light. The garnet winked like a bloodstone. ‘What’s this?’ she said.

‘A present. To remember me by on tour.’

‘I won’t forget—’

‘You know what I mean. I figured I’d get you something.’

‘How much did this cost you?’

‘A couple paychecks.’

‘What? Oh, no, Joohyun, I can’t—’

‘I’m kidding,’ Joohyun said with a smile. She helped Seungwan try it on. It looked so perfectly at home around her neck, a sort of natural elegance to it there, how well it contrasted the sculpt of her chest and her short blonde hair. ‘Beautiful,’ she said, a breathiness to her.

‘Does it suit me?’

‘So much.’

Seungwan held up the little key on the brass fob. ‘What’s this for?’ she said.

‘It’s a spare key. For my apartment. I figured, you know…since you spend so much time here anyway.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yeah,’ Joohyun said. She was silent for a long time. Her hands were trembling and she was unusually nervous. She said softly, ‘Seungwan.’

‘What?’

‘Do you want to move in with me?’

‘I’ve already pretty much moved in with you.’

‘Yeah, but like…full time.’

Seungwan smiled. She drew Joohyun in for a long kiss and said, ‘Yeah. I think I would. I think I’d like that very much.’

They were careful enough.

If she thought on this for any length of time Joohyun knew she would not like the fact they were forced to hide so much nor how often they had to keep an eye over their shoulders, so she did not think about it.

A handful of people recognised Seungwan. Even at eleven PM and walking close to the shadows and with her hood up and a sick mask over the bottom half of her face she was noticed by at least a dozen people. A couple asked for autographs. The others just watched her as she passed. Joohyun paid them no attention. They walked in silence and every now again she would turn and catch a glimpse of Seungwan behind her hood and smile and think on how fortunate she was and how much her life had improved in the past six months.

The bench they stopped at was one they were familiar with. They sat in silence. The night ran on. Lights from the cars. The soft quietude in which only they existed together. Two days until Seungwan was gone. She pulled her mask down and smiled a wistful smile. ‘Remember this place?’ she said.

‘Where we had our first little date.’

‘Was it really a date?’

‘Well, it was pizza at least. And it was good pizza, too.’

‘You said you’d eat two whole pizzas.’

‘I bet I could now. I feel like all these nights of movie watching have turned me into, like, a super glutton. At least for junk food.’

‘We’ll see. When I come back, we’ll have another movie marathon. And eat as much pizza as we can.’

‘Deal,’ Joohyun said with a toothy grin. For a while longer they were quiet. Nothing needed to be said. They shared a bond such that even silence was comfortable. Both understood that there existed still the sanctity of brevity. Neither even moved. It was only Seungwan’s newfound bravery that had them stirring at all. She glanced up and down the avenue. If they were being watched she either did not notice or did not care. Slowly she held out her hand and Joohyun took it and gripped it tight.

‘I’ve got some good news,’ Seungwan said, ‘and some bad news. Which do you want first?’

‘The good, please.’

‘I was speaking with Sooyoung yesterday, and she said the company have agreed – finally – on me putting out a single in English. And the best part is they’re letting my write it myself.’

‘No . Really?’

‘Really. Sooyoung said the plan is to release it sometime in December, when I’m on tour. Then it’ll get the pre-Christmas streaming boost, and I can perform it when I’m back in Korea in January. Maybe even on a music show or two. Maybe Music Bank. I don’t know.’

‘That’s so cool. I’m happy for you.’

Seungwan smiled, eyes closed, content. ‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘Not going to lie, the concept of finally being able to put out my own music again is…a little overwhelming.’

‘What’s the bad news?’

‘I won’t be back for Christmas.’

‘Well, yeah. You said January.’

‘Yeah, but I thought, like, I could fly back for Christmas or something. But no. Sorry.’

‘It’s okay,’ Joohyun said. ‘We can have, like, a FaceTime Christmas or something. You know?’

Seungwan giggled into her coat. It was a sweet and airy laugh that Joohyun wanted to bottle and keep with her. ‘That would certainly be something,’ she said.

‘Maybe we should celebrate it early. Just in case.’

‘Maybe.’

‘Seungwan.’

‘What?’

‘Merry Christmas.’

‘Merry Christmas, Joohyun. I love you.’

‘I love you too.’