Shark

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"'My wave, my shark, my demon in the dark,

The blue tide pulling me under,

Or are you my soul, my heart, pull everything apart?

Are you gonna, are you gonna be my love?"

The painful reality of her condition was that no matter how close she was to Joohyun or how much she loved her or how much she wished they were still on talking terms it took more than a conversation with Yeri to convince her to pick up the phone and ring. Or even text. Or to do anything. Sat in her room alone at home with it on the bedside table. She would tell herself it was easy. All it took was a couple words. But what if Joohyun thought she was being a nuisance again? Joohyun had not text her and clearly that was for a reason. Joohyun wanted nothing to do with her.

Whether this was true or not was irrelevant. The mind is not so strong in what it filters as correct or otherwise and every so often these false opinions of the world leak through and spread. Two weeks later she realised the only people she’d talked to since Yeri were Sooyoung at the Gold Star building and Seulgi, and only in passing. Seulgi knew she was hiding something. Fifteen years of friendship weighed enough such that she could tell immediately when Wendy was being purposely evasive and this was one of those times. But she never made note of it. Just sat and nodded and smiled and said, ‘I’m here for you, you know? If you ever need to talk about anything.’

‘Yeah,’ Wendy said. They were sat in the café in their window seat sharing two bottles of soju. Her bottle was clear and seethrough and strangely smelt more like paintstripper than soju. It smelt of grilled pork and alcohol and vaguely of the street outside. The days growing in the reach of spring. A thin and distant sun pooled like crimson ink against the rim of the world and flues of pink light fell down the sky and were lost. Wendy picked up her shot glass and poured it full of soju and downed it in one.

‘Seungwan.’

‘Yeah,’ she said. She glanced at Seulgi. The glimmer in her eyes urged her to speak even when she was silent. It told her that whatever it was could be better when shared, when the weight was split evenly between two people. But the burden was Wendy’s and Wendy’s alone. She poured a second glass and finished it and poured a third and made to drink that as well when Seulgi put her hand on top of the glass as if to stop her. ‘Seungwan,’ she said again.

‘What?’

‘What’s wrong? Please talk to me.’

‘I’m fine.’

‘Uh huh. Sure you are. How’s the soju?’

‘What?’

‘The soju. How is it? Tastes like vodka, I bet.’

Wendy turned the label of her bottle. ‘,’ she muttered. ‘That’s why it tasted so bad.’

‘You didn’t even realise?’

‘When did you order vodka?’

‘I didn’t,’ Seulgi said. ‘They don’t serve vodka here. It’s a family restaurant. I brought it with me, since I figured you’d be like this. Figured you’d need something to ease you.’

‘Well. You’re right.’

‘What’s wrong?’

Wendy was quiet for a long time. Her hands were not shaking and she was calm but it wasn’t odd because she was always calm around Seulgi, and had been for a long time. ‘It’s Joohyun,’ she said.

‘What about her?’

‘I kissed her.’

‘Wait. What? When?’

‘At a party after Lost Village festival. So about six weeks ago. Seven weeks.’

‘And you didn’t tell me this?’

‘I didn’t know how to. It all sounds so ing stupid in my head. I haven’t spoken to her since then. Not even a text.’

Seulgi was quiet. She nodded to herself as if trying to comprehend the severity or lack thereof of the situation and then she said, ‘Did she…you know.’

‘What?’

‘Kiss you back?’

‘No. She said she’d call me a cab and then left.’

‘Oh. Right.’

‘But I spoke to Yeri the other day and—’

‘Who’s Yeri?’

‘Girl she works with,’ Wendy said. ‘I don’t know why I did it, or where the confidence came from. I was actually looking for Joohyun but she wasn’t there. Yeri said she hadn’t been into work for weeks. She’d just been sitting at home, ever since that night I kissed her. And she said some other stuff, too.’

‘Like what?’

‘Like about how Joohyun is more vulnerable than I realise. She’s been through a lot. Things like that. And she said I should probably just talk to her.’

‘But you can’t,’ Seulgi said.

‘Yeah.’

Seulgi only nodded. There was nothing else she needed to say and for that Wendy was thankful. ‘I love her,’ she said. ‘I know I love her. I don’t know why or where it came from or why so fast, but I love her. And I don’t know if I can just let her go without at least telling her I’m sorry. Without telling her that.’

‘I see.’

‘What? Is that it?’

‘Well,’ Seulgi said. She looked down into the bottom of her bottle of soju and pursed her lips and drank what remained. ‘I can’t really give you advice on that. I don’t think anyone can but yourself. But I know what you’re like when it comes to confrontation.’

‘I can’t do it.’

‘I know.’

‘So what do I do?’

‘I don’t know that either. But you know I’m here for you if you ever need to rant or ramble or talk to me. I can offer you that, at least.’

‘Yeah,’ Wendy said with a smile. ‘Thanks.’

‘Are you gonna finish the rest of that vodka?’

She looked down at the bottle. ‘Yeah. I think I will.’

It wasn’t until just before she’d finished for the day on Friday did Yeri finally confess to her. She looked a great deal more nervous than Joohyun had ever seen her before. Stood leaning against the counter pursing her lips as if she were about to deliver some terrible truth into the world. She looked down at the floor and back at Joohyun and said quietly, ‘Wendy came to look for you a couple weeks ago.’

‘What?’

‘It was when you were still at home. I didn’t say anything when you came back because I didn’t know if you’d want to hear it or not. I didn’t know what you were feeling like.’

‘Wendy came her?’

‘Yeah.’

‘What did she say?’

‘A lot of things. She told me she kissed you at my party, and that she had a panic attack, and that you had been ignoring her.’

‘I wasn’t ignoring her,’ Joohyun said. As if trying to convince herself of that.

‘Alright. Well, she told me that you had been…not texting her. Whatever you wanna call that. And she said some other things, too.’

‘What things?’

‘Not my place to say.’

‘What did she say?’

‘I can’t.’

‘Yeri. What did she say.’

‘I’m not at liberty to disclose that information,’ Yeri said. ‘But seriously, you should probably ask her.’

‘What did you say to her?’

Yeri shrugged. ‘Only that I care about you, and I don’t wanna see you get hurt. And she said she wouldn’t hurt you. And some other stuff, but like I said, I’d feel bad for saying it. I don’t wanna get involved in anything. Like I said, she wasn’t even looking for me. She was looking for you. Has she messaged you since? Or have you seen her at all?’

‘No,’ Joohyun said.

‘Not at all?’

‘No.’

‘Well then.’

The silence was awkward and uncomfortable. Joohyun pulled out her phone and looked at it and thought about doing the simplest of actions to show Seungwan she still cared and then having decided against it put her phone away and sighed. ‘I don’t know what to do,’ she said.

‘God, not another one.’

‘What?’

‘Nothing. Go on.’

‘Do I text her? Do I call her? Say I want to meet with her? What the do I do, Yeri? I can’t decide. My head is just this awful mess of and I can’t figure anything out. It’s like I’ve spent the past six weeks just going round and round in circles and it’s brought me right back to square one and I hate it.’

‘You’ve basically wasted all your holiday time for no reason.’

‘Yeah, I know. Please don’t remind me.’

‘.’

Joohyun rubbed her head.

‘Looks like you need a nice night in,’ Yeri said.

‘Maybe you’re right.’

‘A bath, maybe. Couple cheesy movies. Maybe a takeout. Or some chocolate.’

‘Are you providing?’

‘No, I’m busy.’

‘Busy doing what?’

‘Busy doing…busy ,’ Yeri said. ‘But enjoy yourself.’

When Joohyun was halfway out the door Yeri called out to her again. Her face had about it a certain empathy that was rare. ‘If you ever wanna talk about it,’ she said, ‘I’m here, you know? Just give me a buzz. I’ll listen. I might not be the best at giving advice, but I try my best. And I’ll listen. That’s what counts, right?’

Joohyun could do nothing but smile softly. ‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘It is.’

The knock at her door came just after ten PM. She was sat under the bald moonlight writing poetry at her desk when it came a second time, loud enough to make her pause and listen. It wasn’t anybody she knew. No recognisable cadence. It came a third time and a fourth, sloppy and loud and uncoordinated. She checked her phone to see if Yeri or Jennie had warned her they were coming over but there was nothing. And it was ten PM. On the fifth knock she decided to answer.

She did not know what she was expecting to see, or whom. Only that she had not been expecting Seungwan, stood swaying from side to side, a plastic bottle of Sprite in one hand. Her cheeks were flushed a deep pink and she stank of vodka and Sprite and her hair was matted about her face and she grinned at Joohyun and immediately stopped grinning as if she had not planned on doing so at all. As if her carefully planned rehearsal had no room for happiness or similar theatrics. ‘Seungwan?’ she said.

‘Hello.’

‘What are you doing here?’

‘Are you busy?’ Seungwan mumbled, barely coherent at all. ‘I can go, if you want. I can just go.’

‘Are you okay?’

Seungwan pondered this question with a drunk’s careful meticulousness. The answer she decided on was, ‘No. I’m drunk. Sorry.’

‘What are you doing here?’ Joohyun asked again.

‘I wanted to see you.’

‘You should’ve text.’

‘Not good at texting. Not good at ringing. Anxiety takes over. Clam up. Can’t do it. Not even with you. Thought I could but can’t. Had to get drunk. Had to talk to you.’

Joohyun looked her up and down. She looked almost pathetic and yet oddly adorable. And still so gorgeous. ‘Sorry,’ Seungwan murmured, gazing down at the floor. ‘Really sorry. I should just go.’

‘Do you want to come in for a bit? Until you sober up?’

Seungwan looked at her. The glimmer in her eyes was either love or adoration but what truly was the difference? She said, in a hoarse whisper, ‘Yeah.’

‘Do you want a coffee or something?’

Seungwan sat at the table and said that she did not. She looked at the bottle in her hand and without another word finished the last of it with a grimace and wiped with the back of her hand.

‘What was that?’ Joohyun said.

‘Just vodka and Sprite. Been out with a friend. With Seulgi.’

‘Right.’

For a long time they were silent. Seungwan just sat there wobbling back and forth and closing her eyes and trying to focus and Joohyun watching her, gentle and mildly amused and absolutely terrified. Confrontation came almost as difficult to her as it did Seungwan. She got up and poured herself a glass of water and could barely drink it her hands were trembling so violently. Seungwan put her head between her legs as if she were going to be sick and then she sat upright and opened her eyes and said, ‘I love you, Joohyun. There. There you go.’

‘What?’

‘I love you. I am in love with you. I have love in my heart for you. I care for you as more than just a friend. I feel attraction towards you – romantically, physically, emotionally, spiritually. ually. I have feelings for you. I don’t know how long I’ve had them and I don’t care. I don’t know if you feel the same. I don’t even know if you like women. I went on a stupid ing hunch. I don’t know anything about what you feel about me and it hurts me and it’s hurt me for a while, because I’ve ed it all up. That night at Yeri’s party, I ed it all up. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I just came to say I love you. And I can’t ignore that any longer. I’ve tried. Doesn’t work. Just makes me feel worse. So, there you go. That’s what I came to confess.’

Joohyun was silent.

‘Are you going to say anything? Or should I just go? I’m being a nuisance, I know it. Sorry again. Seems like all I do is annoy people. Even Seulgi.’

‘Did you just say you feel attraction towards me ually?’

‘Yes,’ Wendy mumbled. ‘But that’s not the important part. Ignore that part if you want. The important part is, well…the rest of it.’

Again Joohyun was quiet. She drank the rest of the water and set the glass down and sat without saying anything because there was nothing she knew how to properly say. Seungwan allowed her the space to be silent. A world away from the world. And after a long time she worked up the courage to say, ‘Seungwan.’

‘What?’

‘I— Oh my god. Are you alright?’

‘No,’ Seungwan muttered, head in her hands again. She sounded on the verge of death.

‘Can I get you anything?’

‘I need—’ before she could finish she bent fully over and opened and vomited all over Joohyun’s linoleum floor.

‘Oh my god,’ Joohyun said.

‘I’m really sorry. Really sorry.’

She fetched the bowl from the kitchen sink and a roll of paper towels from the cupboard and passed the bowl to Seungwan. ‘Hold this,’ she said. ‘I’ll fetch you some water.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Seungwan said, again and again. The smell was awful, the sound worse, the sight worst. Chunks of blackened pork and a puddle of vodka Sprite in a grim and warm little collage on the tiles. Joohyun fetched the fresh pitcher of water from the fridge and poured a tall glass and put it on the table beside Seungwan and held her hair out of her face while she spat into the bowl like a degenerate ready to finally expire. She dryheaved for a good few minutes. Nothing else was left in her stomach to expend. Joohyun took the bowl from her very gently and set it down on the floor and held the glass of water in front of her face. ‘Here,’ she said. ‘Drink.’

‘Thanks.’

‘Drink it slowly.’

‘I’m really sorry,’ Seungwan said, eyes closed, trying to catch her breath, still wretching.

‘It’s okay.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘It’s just tiles. It’ll wash away.’

‘But still. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have even come. I should’ve stayed home.’

‘Just drink. Slowly.’

‘I’m—’

‘Seungwan. Drink.’

When she had done so with moderate success Joohyun put the glass on the table and fetched a mop and bucket from the utility closet in the kitchen. Seungwan leant against the wall and the chair and rubbed her hair and mumbled incoherently about being an idiot. ‘I’ll go home,’ she said. She tried to pull herself up and slipped and Joohyun guided her back down on the chair and said, ‘You’re not going anywhere like this. You can barely walk.’

‘I’ll cab.’

‘No.’

‘I’ll get cab.’

‘You can’t even talk properly.’

‘Cab,’ Seungwan mumbled, fighting back whatever remained in her stomach. Joohyun took a long look at her. Small and fragile and unable to even move. Did she know where she was? Would she in the morning? The mystery of this was frightening. Joohyun pulled her up gently and slung an arm around her shoulder and helped her into the bedroom. It was small and homely and the bed would only barely fit two people. On the bedside table was a dogeared paperback Murakami novel and a single lamp and the only light was a thin knife of moonlight that poured through the blinds like liquid silver. She sat Seungwan on the edge of the bed and pulled back the bed covers. ‘Wait here,’ she said. Seungwan seemed not to understand her at all. She fetched the pitcher and a fresh glass and poured it full and set them both on the bedside table.

‘Sorry,’ Seungwan said.

‘Don’t be stupid.’

‘I’m sorry for everything.’

‘Stop saying that,’ Joohyun said. She held a hand to Seungwan’s forehead and it was alarmingly hot.

‘I’m a up.’

‘Seungwan.’

‘I wish I were someone else.’

‘Legs.’

‘I wish I were better at talking. Just talking.’

‘Legs, Seungwan.’

‘What?’

‘Lift up your legs,’ Joohyun said. Slowly she did. Joohyun unfastened the laces of her trainers and pulled them off and tossed them aside. They had at one point in time been white. Perhaps even as recently as a few hours ago. She pulled off her socks and set them next to the trainers and then with no hesitation at all she nodded to the button on Seungwan’s jeans and said, ‘Can you do that yourself?’

Seungwan glanced down. ‘Oh,’ she said. ‘Give me a second.’

Joohyun gave her many seconds. Fumbling with it like a blind woman. Half a minute later she gave up trying and shrugged and closed her eyes. With all the care and love of a mother Joohyun leant forward and unfastened it in one swift movement. She could smell the vodka and the sick on Seungwan’s breath and the soft and delicate scent of her perfume and it was almost too intimate, too close for comfort. She got down on her knees in front of Seungwan and grabbed her jeans by the legs and said, ‘Help me.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Seungwan said.

‘Stop saying sorry.’

‘Why am I getting ?’

‘You’re not getting ,’ Joohyun said. ‘You’re just too warm. You’re burning up.’

She pulled Seungwan’s jeans clean off and set them beside the trainers and then it was her creamcoloured shirt as well. Seungwan just sat there, pale and drunk and half and bared to the cold. It took a great deal of effort not to stare, more than Joohyun felt was healthy, enough to make her feel guilty. As if she were almost taking advantage. She browsed through her wardrobe and brought out a plain white cotton shirt and handed it to Seungwan and said, ‘This should fit you, I think. If not, I can get you something different.’

‘Thank you.’

‘Do you need anything else?’

Seungwan just hummed. Lost in another universe of her own addled design. Joohyun helped her into bed and flattened down the covers as if she were a child. Her face was still red. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said. ‘I’m a mess.’

‘Get some sleep.’

‘I don’t want to.’

‘You should.’

‘I don’t want to,’ Seungwan repeated. ‘I might forget. I don’t want to forget. I want to remember.’

‘We’ll talk in the morning.’

‘Promise?’

‘I promise,’ Joohyun said with a sigh. ‘Just get some rest.’

When she was by the bedroom door Seungwan called out to her. ‘Goodnight, Joohyun,’ she said, sounding drunker than ever.

‘Goodnight.’

‘Please don't hate me too much.’

‘I don't hate you.’

‘Goodnight.’

‘Go to sleep.’

‘You won't hate me, will you?’

‘No,’ Joohyun said, hand on the doorframe. ‘Get some sleep.’

‘I love you.’

‘I love you too. Goodnight.’