Landslide

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"I know you're sad and tired,

You've got nothing left to give,

But you'll find another life to live,

I know you'll get over it."

She was fashionably late to her dinner date with Seulgi, as she regularly tended to be. It was a habit of hers developed through years of being late for other commitments as well. Usually stood in the bathroom telling herself it was all going to be okay and then never having the courage to confront it anyway. Going home and closing the door and shutting out the world and crying alone and regretting what could so easily have been avoided in the first place. And the repetition that came soon after. Doomed to continue the same wretched line of miseries. But with Seulgi it was different. With Seulgi it was just lateness and there was no excuse but there needn’t be. Seulgi didn’t care. She understood.

The restaurant was a small and homely grill place half an hour from her apartment in Chungjeong. It was a place they had been to many a time before and they chose it because it was often silent and never overbearing and Wendy preferred it that way. Small fairylights hanging from above the front windows like pale fingers. The world outside a cold and purple blur. Seulgi had already ordered when she stepped in and took off her cardigan and set it down on the back of the chair under the window.

‘Sorry,’ she said.

‘It’s okay,’ said Seulgi across the table, smiling gently. It was a smile Wendy had always savoured, the way it lit up her round and homely face in a soft and welcoming glow. It told a lot about her character. ‘I’ve already ordered for us,’ she said.

‘Okay, cool.’

‘Did you go?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Well.’

‘Well,’ Wendy said.

Seulgi folded the menu away and shifted in her seat. ‘How did it go? Was it fun? Did you make any money?’

‘No money. But it was fun. And I had a little crowd, which was cool. Well, not cool, but you know what I mean.’

‘Did you…you know.’

‘Did I freak out?’

Seulgi nodded, as if afraid to approach the subject at any more than a cautious glance.

‘Yeah,’ Wendy said. ‘Spent about half an hour in the bathroom psyching myself up beforehand. Didn’t really work. But I went out there and gave it my all, I suppose. So, it is what it is. Don’t know if I’ll be able to do it again.’

‘You will. I know you will. I’m really proud of you.’

‘Thanks. But it’s one of those things I can’t control. One day I’ll be fine and the next I’ll just clam up and that’s that. That’s the end of it. What do I do then? After I embarrass myself, I mean.’

‘You won’t embarrass yourself,’ Seulgi said. And after a long and pregnant pause, she added, ‘How’s it going, by the way?’

‘What?’

‘The new medication.’

‘Okay,’ Wendy said. ‘I don’t really feel too much of a difference. I guess it helps about as much as the last stuff did. There are some days I think maybe I’d be better off just not taking it at all. But I know that’s not a good thing to think.’

Seulgi only nodded, quiet and understanding. It was a commonality between them that Wendy treasured a great deal. Seulgi’s calm willingness to listen to anything and everything, rational or otherwise, to give her own answers right or wrong, to help her find her way. When their food arrived they ate in peace save for the occasional comment. ‘How was work?’ Wendy said.

‘Work was good. Or, okay, I suppose. But it’s what I want to be doing, so yeah. I can’t complain, really. Imagine me hearing that back at uni, that I’d be working as a journalist.’

‘I think you’d probably understand it, honestly.’

‘Maybe. Who knows.’

‘How’s the dancing?’

‘Dancing is good too,’ Seulgi said through a mouthful of pork. ‘I’m leading my first mixed ability class this Saturday. It’s that choreo I showed you the other day. The Usher one.’

‘Oh, yeah. Cool. I hope it goes well.’

‘Me too,’ Seulgi said, smiling as bright as ever. So wide and so genuine that for a moment even Wendy had to smile with her. And this smile of her own – real, unexpected, not having manufactured it hours beforehand in a bathroom somewhere – was a rarity. Not that anyone could tell the difference except Seulgi. Not even her parents. There were times she thought that perhaps her ability to smile in any situation was not so much a talent as a small curse. That perhaps it made it that much harder to connect with people, because all they ever saw was that smile and that goofy laugh. They saw Wendy. And if they ever saw Seungwan, what would they think of it then? Wendy was an act. A carefully crafted persona polished such that there were no cracks showing, at least not outwardly. A flawless visage. She grilled her pork and sipped at her piping soup and thought on that and thought on little else.

‘I was invited to a party on Saturday night,’ Seulgi said.

‘Oh, cool. Who by?’

‘Do you remember Rosé, from uni? She lived two floors up from us, I think. Or three. I can’t remember.’

‘Yeah. The one from Australia?’

Seulgi nodded. ‘She said you were welcome to come along as well, but she didn’t have your number. She said she was surprised my number was still the same, honestly. But yeah. I’m going. Do you want to come?’

She thought about it for a while. The soup steaming around her spoon. ‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘Sure. I guess I will. I’m not doing anything else. As long as I finish my gig at the bar early enough, yeah.’

‘Okay, cool. You don’t have to, you know? Don’t feel like I’m forcing you or anything. If you just wanna stay home instead, then—’

‘It’s okay,’ Wendy said. ‘I’ll be okay. And if not, I’ll just go home.’

Seulgi nodded. It was a nod that said more than any words could. She laid a long piece of pork belly on the stone grill and shifted in her seat and said, ‘I tried asking whether I could get my class on Saturday moved earlier in the day. That way I could come and watch you perform. But they said no. Sorry.’

‘It’s okay. You didn’t have to do that. It won’t be anything special anyway.’

‘Don’t say that.’

‘I doubt I’ll be able to perform my own stuff. Not that it matters. It’s just a bar gig. When have you ever seen anyone pay attention to the singers at a bar gig?’

‘When have any of the singers ever had a voice like yours?’

Wendy blew on her soup and swallowed a mouthful with a wince and was quiet. The night outside had grown raw and red at the edges and the lights of the streetlamps danced about the window reflections like lights in a belljar. ‘I met someone today,’ she said, watching the world.

‘What?’

‘When I was busking. The girl that served me at this coffee shop in the mall. She said I had a beautiful face.’

Seulgi laughed. ‘What?’ she said.

‘Yeah. And then she said I had a beautiful voice, too. Kinda weird, no?’

‘I mean, I guess so. Why did she say that?’

‘I don’t know. I guess she heard me busking and thought it would be nice. She said I should go back sometime and play again.’

‘Was she willing to pay you?’

Wendy laughed through a mouthful of soup. The look in her eyes was distant and only halfway paying attention. ‘No,’ she said. ‘But maybe I should. I’ve never had someone tell me they liked my singing that much before. Apart from you and mom, of course. Usually it’s just people clapping to be nice.’

‘They’re not doing it to be nice,’ Seulgi said. ‘They genuinely think you’re a good singer. You’ve got to stop thinking this, you know.’

‘Yeah. Well.’

‘Maybe you should, then. Go and give this girl a show. What was she like?’

‘What?’

‘What was she like.’

Wendy shrugged. ‘Nice,’ she said.

‘She was nice. Really? Nice?’

‘What else do you want me to say? Do you want me to fawn over her or something?’

‘Fawn over her? Why, was she pretty?’

‘Yeah,’ Wendy said. ‘She was really pretty. Even in those ty uniforms that all baristas wear. But I saw her for, like, two minutes while she made me a coffee.’

‘See? And she told you that you had a beautiful voice. And face. To do that in such a short time? Now that’s some impact right there.’

‘Very funny.’

‘I mean it. Maybe you should go. What’s the worst that could happen?’

Wendy thought about it for a moment. ‘Yeah,’ she said, eyes on the window, on the world without. ‘Maybe you’re right.’

It was just after five on Friday evening when she showed up at Noon Square with her guitar case in hand and set it down on the benches and checked her phone. 5:06 to be exact. She wasn’t checking anything in particular. Staring at her phone was a habit developed as a sort of soft reprieve from the world, a closed space within which nothing else could bother her. There might be eyes on her but what did it matter when she was staring at her phone, pretending to be busy? In a way it calmed her, silly as that was. But sometimes silly is all that remains to balm the wounds.

Joohyun was there behind the counter at Coffee King. For a while Wendy just watched her. Going back and forth with the empty cups and taking orders and pressing coffeebeans and smiling in such a way that as she caught the pale overhead lights her skin seemed almost to glow. She was very pale herself. Pale and beautiful, a sort of regal elegance to her, the pronouncement of her ears and her hair pinned back in a messy ponytail and how perfect she looked. Wendy just sat there. After a while she left her guitar case and went on over.

Joohyun was in the back when she arrived at the counter, alone in the queue. Her hands were trembling and cold and raw as they tended to be. Maybe somebody was watching her, laughing at her. It was the nature of her existence such that the world felt claustrophobic and overbearing at all times and this was no different. She balled her hands and felt how sweaty her palms were. When Joohyun came back out carrying a pallet of cleaned cups and plates she looked at Wendy and stopped and smiled.

‘Hi,’ Wendy said.

‘Hey. Wendy.’

‘Yeah. You remembered?’

‘I never forget a face,’ Joohyun said. She set the pallet down and wiped her hands on a towel. Wendy just watched her. Debating with herself what was best to say, if anything. Wondering how long it would take before she would feel the tightening of her chest and the dizzying of her vision forcing her to the restroom. Trying in vain to calm herself. ‘I thought about what you said the other day,’ she said. ‘About coming back here. I figured I might as well. Might as well play again, you know?’

Joohyun’s smile had Wendy smiling. ‘Oh,’ she said, ‘cool. Are you going to play now, then?’

‘Yeah. I’m thinking about it,’ said Wendy. The silence she did not savour. It indicated a certain awkwardness neither much knew how to approach or fix in any way. Joohyun adjusted the collar of her shirt and said, ‘Can I get you anything?’

‘Just a medium black coffee again, please. To go.’

She poured out the coffee in the Styrofoam cup and handed it to Wendy and said, ‘There you go.’

‘Thanks. I should probably go and, you know, sing.’

‘Yeah. I’ll be listening.’

‘Okay,’ Wendy said with a smile. ‘Cool.’

She watched Wendy set the cup down on the floor beside the bench and open up the guitar case and take it out and adjust something on the neck of it. Nobody else seemed to see her at all. As if she existed solely in Joohyun’s universe and Joohyun’s alone. The pot of coffee half poured was going cold in the machine. She sorted the pallet of clean cups into the trays and wiped her hands down and went into the back to find Yeri. She was busy with the jet washer when Joohyun leant against the side of the door and said as casually as she could muster, ‘I’m going on my break. I’ll be back in half an hour.’

‘Alright, sure. I thought you had it earlier.’

‘No.’

‘Cool. Whatever.’

She poured herself a coffee to go and sat at the table outside the front of the store just watching with a smile. There was something about the way Wendy moved that was intoxicating. A sort of trancelike assortment of mannerisms, crossing her legs and sipping her coffee and setting her guitar in her lap and taking a deep breath. And then ten more. Her right hand settled along the strings and it was trembling and Joohyun could see it from there. Slowly she began to play. It was a slow and quiet tune, muted in the clamour of the rush-hour people. She sat there with her eyes closed playing softly and Joohyun watched her with a smile. And as she continued so too did others. By the end of the second song there were ten or so people stood watching her. A couple kids with their parents. An old man. Even a dog. The third song was a ballad in English. She sang:

Come out from the burning fire, butterfly,

Let me lock you in my room and keep you

For a while.

Could you be the answer to my ever prayer?

Could you be the one for who I’ll care?

She played a fourth and played the fifth and strummed and sang and Joohyun sat and watched and smiled. She was so beautiful. Perhaps it was how well her hair suited the shape of her face or the thinness of her lips of the tranquillity of her with her eyes closed or perhaps it was her voice. It had an incredible timbre to it. A voice to put the stars back in their sockets. She never even opened her eyes. There was something to that. Something Joohyun couldn’t quite place. A sort of pain, perhaps. The seventh song was an uptempo tune with lyrics that went:

And it hurts a little bit, but I know my fate,

It was broken into bits, but it’s all I saved,

I was joking when I said that I can’t be fake,

But it hurts a little bit putting on my face

She sang it with such an astounding rawness. Strumming and softly crooning. She finished the song and played two more very similar, both in English, and only after she had finished did Joohyun breathe at all. The coffee on her table had gone cold a while ago. It was halfway through the tenth song when she turned around to pick up her coffee and saw Yeri standing there in front of the table pointing to her watch.

‘,’ Joohyun said.

‘It’s been forty-five minutes.’

‘Sorry. I got wrapped up. Lost track of time.’

Yeri glanced at Wendy. She was still sat there, playing out her final tune. Joohyun thought she might say something but she did not. She just nodded and folded her arms and went on back into the store and a moment later Joohyun followed her in. There were no customers. Everybody had either gone home or was listening to Wendy. When she had finished she moved her hand to the top of her guitar and opened her eyes and smiled and bowed to a round of applause. Joohyun just watched her. She put the guitar away slowly and carefully. Her coffee had gone cold. She picked up the cup and drank what remained of it and realised this and glanced Joohyun’s way and smiled again.

This time she had the guitar with her when she entered and stood at the counter and said, ‘Hi again.’

‘Hey. That was amazing. Really amazing.’

‘Thank you.’

‘I mean it,’ Joohyun said. ‘Your voice is just incredible. Have you ever been trained before?’

‘Yeah,’ Wendy said. ‘I used to take classes. I did it all through university as well.’

‘You just have this quality that’s so…I don’t know how to properly describe it. Like you can get lost in it. Your voice, I mean. Sorry. I sound like an idiot.’

Wendy just smiled at her.

‘What can I get you? Black coffee?’

‘Yeah, please. Medium to go.’

She set the pot on and pressed the fresh coffeebeans and poured full a fresh cup and passed it over. Wendy brushed her hair out of her face and smiled. Her lips were quivering a slight. She would not hold the coffeecup because her free hand was shaking. She said, with a helping of hesitance, ‘Would you like to come and watch me perform?’

‘What?’

‘I mean, you don’t have to. I just figured—’

‘I’d love to.’

‘Cool. Cool. I’m performing at this little bar not far from here tomorrow night at half past seven. It’s called the Old Ball. I’m just performing some cover songs and maybe a couple of my own. I just thought maybe you’d like to come along.’

‘Yeah,’ Joohyun said. She was smiling and she knew it. ‘That would be great. Really great. You have such a talent.’

‘Thanks. Really. It’s not often I hear that, whether people mean it or not.’

‘Why would people not mean it? They’d be crazy to lie to you. Or to not think you had an incredible voice. It’s just so soothing.’ She looked at Wendy and dropped her head and coughed into her hand and said, ‘Sorry again.’

‘It’s okay. Thank you. I mean it. I should go.’

‘Yeah. Enjoy your coffee.’

‘I’ll see you tomorrow?’

‘Yeah,’ Joohyun said with a smile. ‘See you there.’