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"I feel life for the very first time,

Love in my arms and the sun in my eyes,

I feel safe in the 5AM light,

You carry my fears as the heavens set fire."

The photoshoot lasted no more than an hour but sitting there under the bright spotlights it felt like days. Smiling out at a sea of cameras, faces watching her like a legion of the anonymous silently judging her for everything she did. Every smile, after pose. She was told to keep it mysterious. The vibe of the album was such that grinning like an idiot would lessen it. Cool and sophisticated. She didn’t know the director's name, only that he knew what he was doing. Wendy sat there for a long time. When at last the shoot was finished she stood and bowed to everyone individually and went on out behind them into the corridor.

It still felt alien in a sense. As if she were an outsider that had unceremoniously stumbled upon something she should not have done. There was a watercooler in the corridor and she took a cup and filled it and drank it down and filled it again and wiped . The plush red stress ball in her left hand had been abused so much she thought it might come apart at the seams. For a while she just stood there. People came and went. Some said hello and she smiled awkwardly and bowed and said hello back. She filled herself another cup of water and drank it with a sigh and closed her eyes. Her head ran with thoughts of the future and it was murky and distant and slowly receding, like a vision of time seen through bad glass. Nothing concrete would come to her. And it was both Joohyun and her career and neither could reconcile with the other much as she wished it so.

‘Wendy?’

She opened her eyes and turned to find Sooyoung stood looking at her curiously. ‘Hi,’ she said.

‘What are you doing?’

‘Just came to grab some water,’ Wendy said.

‘Are you okay?’

‘Yeah. Just feeling a little…you know.’

‘Freaked out by the whole thing? Like it’s all overwhelming?’

‘Yeah.’

‘You’ll get used to it,’ Sooyoung said with a smile. ‘What’s that?’

‘Oh, it’s just a stress ball. For if I get too wound up, you know?’

‘That’s one of the better ideas I’ve heard in a while. Might have to pick one up myself. Where did you get it?’

‘My girlf—’ she caught herself and stopped and said, ‘It was a gift from a friend.’

Sooyoung just looked at her. The silence was such that Wendy felt suddenly very uncomfortable. As if she were being watched or judged. ‘Do you fancy a coffee?’ Sooyoung said.

‘Sure.’

In the cafeteria on the second floor they sat sipping coffee in quiet as the day rolled on. It was a great deal busier than Wendy’s life was. The warmth of summer in the longer days. It smelt of the fresh air even cooped up in the wilting dim of the Gold Star building, wall to wall. Sooyoung set her coffee down and cleared . She folded her legs one over the other in way that Wendy thought looked almost rehearsed and then she said, ‘Is there something wrong? Something you’re not telling me?’

‘What?’

‘You remember back when you first signed your contract? I said you could talk to me if there was anything bothering you. If it was going to impede you from working.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Well.’

Wendy was quiet. She glanced down first at her coffee and then at the stress ball in her other hand. ‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘I don’t know how to explain it so that it makes sense. I just feel…alienated in a way. Maybe it’s because it’s all new to me and I’m still getting used to it and I don’t really even know or talk to anyone here, apart from you. And that’s only in passing. Maybe I’ll get used to it as time goes on. Or maybe it’s just the nerves of being so close to finally having my music properly put out there. It might not have sunk in for me yet.’

‘Might be,’ Sooyoung said.

‘I just like…I don’t know. Like I’m not myself, if that makes any sense. And I know why. I understand it. But throughout this whole process I’ve basically been shipped from one location to the next, constantly told, “Do this, do that, sit there, smile like this, sing this, record this.” I’ve never had any autonomy. Never been able to do anything myself. And for someone like me that’s a big blow. I just feel like it’s made me feel like a stranger to myself.’

Sooyoung nodded in understand. She picked up her coffee and drank and put it back down. For a moment Wendy thought she might not bother with a response but then she said calmly, ‘I know what you mean. You’re not the first person to be like, not at all. You feel like you’re being sold as something you’re not, right?’

‘Kind of. In a way.’

‘Like you’re putting on an act.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Well,’ she said, drinking again. ‘Everybody does it. That’s the reality of the celebrity. Doesn’t matter if it’s being an idol, or a regular non-idol singer, or an actor, or a TV personality, or an entertainer, comedian, dancer, whatever. Doesn’t matter if you’re in Korea or Hollywood or wherever. It’s the same everywhere in the world. If you’re even remotely in the spotlight, you’re playing a character. You might not even realise it half the time, but it’s true. That’s just how it is. Hell, even away from the spotlight. Just in everyday life. You’re forced to alter yourself to fit into someone else’s – or something else’s – ideals, at least for a short time. The change might be small, but it’ll be there. So small that often, like I said, you won’t realise it at first. With you, it’s different. You realise it.’

‘Yeah,’ Wendy said.

‘But that’s just how it is. You probably think you’d be better if you had creative control and full autonomy over everything you do, and I understand that. I get it. But this isn’t just about you. And it’s not selfish to think about yourself first, not at all. Everybody wants to do that. But a lot of people have invested a lot of time and money and effort into you and your contract. Me, for signing you. The higher-ups, for taking a chance with you. The shareholders, for gambling on your success. Makeup artists, producers, photographers, designers, songwriters – you name it. There are a lot of people riding on the success of you. Because at the end of the day, this is a business, and a business exists to make money. And while you might believe you have your best interests at heart – and you might – it’s about the best interests of hundreds of people. Sorry if that came off as rude.’

Wendy nodded. ‘It’s okay,’ she said. ‘I understand. I just—’

‘You don’t like it. I know. But it gets better. Trust me. You’ve just got to have patience. To weather the storm and come out the other side better than you were when you went in.’

‘Yeah,’ Wendy said with a smile. Sooyoung smiled back at her. She thought about all the things Sooyoung didn’t know. About her anxiety and her depressive episodes and how bad it could get and why she had that red stress ball in the first place. The truth was that sooner or later she would find out. Wendy could not hide it forever. And the longer the confession is left the larger the consequences grow, the more rancid. But instead of saying anything she just sat there and squeezed the ball and clenched her fists and smiled and nodded.

‘I know you understand,’ Sooyoung said. She spoke with the tone of someone with a great deal of patience, or perhaps a noted history of handling this sort of endeavour.

‘Yeah,’ said Wendy, forcing a smile. ‘I understand.’

‘But if you ever want to talk to me about it, you know where my office is. The door’s always open to you. Just come and knock and we’ll talk. I promise.’

‘Thanks.’

‘When’s your last performance?’

‘This Saturday. Am I still allowed to do it?’

‘Of course. Why would you not be?’

‘I don’t know,’ Wendy said. ‘I just thought that with me being a part of the company now, all those new rules it talked about in my contract—’

‘Don’t come into play until your new song is released. Nobody even knows who you are yet. Well, they do, but not on a big public scale. You’re fine.’

‘Thanks,’ Wendy said, and it was the last thing she said.

She only stopped squeezing the stress ball when she turned the corner at the end of the avenue and saw the Noon Square building winking in the pink evening light on Friday. There was something about the sight of it that put her at ease. A sort of guiding beacon in the whirlwind that seemed to follow her without reprieve wherever she went. As she crossed over the road and went on along the sidewalk all she could think was: Sooyoung was right. This is a business. Everything she said was right.

Perhaps there was some sort of clarity in that. She had half expected it to ease the weight of self-doubt from her shoulders but such was almost impossible and had been for a long time. It wasn’t until she passed through the sliding doors and into the familiar warmth of the Noon Square atrium did she start thinking about something else and already she was smiling. Yeri was busy boiling coffee and sorting out the cups when Wendy entered. She took one look at her and smiled and said, ‘Hello stranger.’

‘Hey. Is she about?’

‘She’s in the back. A bit busy right now.’

Wendy just nodded.

‘How are you?’

‘Not too bad. What about you?’

‘Eh, not too bad. Could be better, could be worse. I had this awful nightmare the other night and I can’t stop thinking about it. Yeah. I was just lying there in my bed – in the nightmare, I mean, and I guess also in real life – and in this dream I got out of bed and put my feet on my bedroom floor and just immediately fell through it. Like it wasn’t there at all. And I just kept falling. Through the apartment below, through the lobby floor, under the ground. And there was no underground. No dirt, I mean. It was just like…I dunno. You ever seen what a video game looks like when it glitches out?’

‘No.’

‘Well, like that. I thought maybe there was something in that. Maybe it was, like, an omen or some . So I searched it up. Got a bunch of useless junk. Whatever. Maybe I’m just paranoid. But I’m scared I might just, like, fall through the ing floor or something, you know?’

Wendy said that she did not, in fact, know.

‘Well. Whatever. You want a coffee?’

‘Black, please. Medium. To go.’

Evidently Joohyun heard her because the next thing she saw was Joohyun peeking around the backroom door and smiling at her. ‘I’ll get that,’ she said.

Yeri looked at her and nodded with a knowing smirk. ‘Nice catching up with you again.’

‘Yeah. You too.’

Joohyun poured her a black coffee and handed it to her in a Styrofoam cup. She was still smiling. Wendy stood there thinking:

Hold this moment. Don’t ever let it go. In stormy waters it’s memories like this that tether us to the shore.

‘Are you finished soon?’ she asked. ‘You said seven.’

‘Yeah, I’m almost done. I won’t be long.’

‘Okay.’

She disappeared into the back and Wendy sat and waited. Fifteen minutes later she came out and hung her apron behind the counter with a smile and said, ‘Done.’

‘Do you want to go for a walk or something?’

‘Sure.’

It stayed warm in those long days of summer. Down the avenue it smelt of grilled pork and soup and exhaust fumes and there was a red sun that sank like a coin against the world’s far rim and skeins of thin light marred the clouds in distant ribbons. They walked in silence. Joohyun never stopped smiling. It wasn’t until she turned the key and opened her apartment door that Wendy said, ‘What’s got you so happy? You’ve been smiling ever since I saw you.’

Joohyun closed the door behind them and set the kettle to boil before she even took her shoes off. The look on her face was pure glee. A sort of general warm content at the state of things as they were. For a while Wendy sat there and watched her and realised very suddenly that her life had graduated to the point where she could derive joy out of the happiness of Joohyun and perhaps that was not so bad after all. Joohyun poured out two cups of coffee and passed one to Wendy and sat with a grin on her face that was impossible to hide. She said, ‘I got an offer this morning.’

‘What? What sort of offer?’

‘An email from Wendigo Books. The publishing company.’

‘Are you serious?’

Joohyun nodded over the rim of her cup. ‘They said they’d like for me to meet with them in person to discuss the terms of a possible publishing deal on a book of short poetry.’

‘Oh my god, are you serious?’

‘Yeah. I couldn’t believe it myself. I had to ring them to confirm it properly.’

‘I didn’t even know you’d sent anything new out.’

‘I kept it a secret,’ Joohyun said. ‘I probably shouldn’t have, but I was so nervous I thought I would. And I didn’t want to, you know…get your hopes up or anything that I’d succeed. I’ve never succeeded before. Never been anything but a failure. And with everything going on between us recently as well.’

‘Are you serious?’

‘Really serious.’

‘Oh my god,’ Wendy said again. She was smiling ear to ear.

‘I know.’

‘I’m so happy for you. And so proud of you.’

‘Thank you.’

‘What did I tell you about your writing? Didn’t I tell you it was amazing?’

‘Yeah. A couple times.’

‘So what are the terms of this deal, then?’

‘I don’t know yet,’ Joohyun said, setting her cup down. She spoke with such enthusiasm it was infectious. ‘That’s what they said on the phone – that they want to set up a meeting in person to run it all through with me and possibly draft up a contract and tell me all the details. But it could be a big thing. I know I’m getting ahead of myself, but yeah. And even if it’s not, it’s what I’ve wanted ever since I was a kid.’

‘I can’t believe it. I’m so proud.’

‘I’m not getting my hopes up yet. Not fully, at least. This is about the level I’m going to stay at, excitement wise. I’ve been let down too many times in the past to get ahead of myself.’

‘Don’t say that.’

‘I have. It’s only the truth.’

‘This is different.’

‘I hope so.’

‘It is,’ Wendy said softly.

To that Joohyun said nothing else. She shifted in her seat and drank off the rest of her bitter coffee and said, ‘How are you feeling for your performance tomorrow?’

‘I don’t know, honestly. I haven’t put any thought into it, which I probably should have, but yeah. Had a lot on my mind.’

‘It’ll go great.’

‘Seulgi’s coming along as well, I think.’

Joohyun nodded. ‘Should be cool to catch up her again. Does she know we’re…you know.’

‘A couple?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Yeah,’ Wendy said. ‘I told her. Thanks for the stress ball, by the way. Really comes in handy. Helped a lot today.’

‘I saw it walking past the store the other day and I thought, that’s such a good idea.’

‘It definitely works.’

Joohyun nodded. The clock ticked on and the night grew darker and the streetlamps cast out their pale shapes and out came the stars and they sat there and occasionally said something but otherwise were silent. Wendy checked her phone. It was almost ten PM. ‘Where did the time go?’ she said.

‘Flies when you’re having fun.’

‘Guess so. I should head back.’

‘Yeah,’ Joohyun said. She glanced at Wendy and nodded to nothing in particular and when Wendy stood she stepped around the table herself and drew her in for a warm kiss. She could smell the softest hint of perfume from Wendy’s throat. It was a kiss she wanted for all the world to hold forever. When she pulled back Wendy smiled at her and cupped her cheek and said, ‘See you tomorrow.’

‘Yeah. I’ll be there.’

Wendy was by the door when she called to her again. ‘Seungwan,’ she said, in a voice barely her own. Wendy had one hand already on the doorknob. She stopped and turned and right there in the outer light she looked almost cruelly pretty, sent to torment Joohyun, just out of reach. ‘What?’ she said.

The reply was a long time coming. Joohyun stood fiddling with her hands and biting her lip. Her heart ran like electric. There was she, balancing on the edge, one foot cautiously testing the water. The past held nothing but pain and misery for her, but the past was done and all was decided. It could not be changed. Memories made could not be unmade. Ticktock of the clock. The yellowing of the pencils in the porcelain cup on her desk. Notebooks gathering dust in their box below. Worlds to share. She said softly, hesitantly, ‘Do you want to stay the night?’

‘Do you want me to?’

‘Yeah.’

Wendy smiled a gentle and understanding smile and for that Joohyun was thankful. It was a glimmer in her eyes that assured Joohyun she didn’t have to explain anything else. It was all implicit in the act of putting forth the question. Had already been set into motion. Joohyun pushed a stray hair out of her face and went into the bedroom and the bedside light. The clock ticked on. The kitchen faucet had not been turned off properly and it dripped slow and languid into the sink with a hollow metal tap. Wendy took off her cardigan and slung it over the back of the chair and followed Joohyun into the bedroom. Her hands were shaking and her breath caught in and Joohyun pulled her into a long and passionate kiss and cupped her face and kissed her again.

She drew back long enough to breathe in and pull her sweater over her head and throw it aside and then her lips were on Wendy’s again, desperate and searching and eager for validation, for that acceptance she had for so long evaded. She closed her eyes and leant into the kiss and Wendy felt her hands move down to the hem of her shirt and urge her to take it off and Wendy did. Then she was kissing again. Wendy could taste coffee on her lips. She tugged at the waistband of Wendy’s jeans and fumbled clumsily with her buttons and Wendy guided her down onto the bed behind them.

She took a moment to look at Joohyun. Pale and out of breath and shaking with trepidation. She looked so beautiful it almost hurt to witness. ‘Are you okay?’ Wendy asked.

‘Yeah,’ Joohyun said.

‘Tell me if you’re not. If—’

‘I’m okay. I trust you.’

Wendy smiled. ‘Okay,’ she said. ‘I love you.’

‘I love you too,’ said Joohyun, and said no more.