Slip Away

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"And as the sun comes out to play,

So soon I wish the day away, day away,

Still left unsaid, the things to say,

I lost my heart through windowpanes."

It was never going to be easy and she knew that. She had known before the ink had even dried on her contract months ago. And yet a part of her had remained tethered to the idea it would be different from what she had dreaded, that in some way she would be spared from the ceaseless schedules and the directions and the fans and everything else.

The first time she realised this would not be the case was three days later. Coming out of the Gold Star building she had been met with a group of people asking for an autograph and the first thing she’d said was, ‘Are you sure you’ve got the right person?’ As if they could have mistaken her for anyone else. And only then did the severity of it hit her. She had signed the contract amendment with a false smile and a promise from Sooyoung that nothing would go wrong as long as she remained within their boundaries, however strict or obscene they may at first seem.

But a promise was not enough. Nothing ever could be. The second time she understood how much her life had changed forever was on the set of her music video, sitting just off the side of the makeshift greenscreen set between takes and realising that she had no idea what the video was about. Nobody had told her. They had given her vague instructions and an outline and a broad narrative description and that was that. Stand here, do this, smile, act cool, look tough. Sing this, sing that, record this, read this – what was the difference?

She did it with a smile of politeness. The only thing she carried with her everywhere she went was Joohyun’s stress ball and it helped but only a slight. The thought lingered, parasitic and terrible and all-encompassing. Perhaps it was childish and immature and short-sighted and perhaps she was tunnelvisioning herself but then again perhaps not. She thought on that all the way back to her apartment. A broad and red sunset had come up and the sun itself lay broken and burning at the edge of the world and it smelt oddly pleasant along the avenues. Joohyun was working late. That was a good thing, because it gave Wendy time to sit alone and cry and wonder where her life had gone right and where it had gone wrong and what the future held in store for her still.

At eight PM she rang Seulgi. Part of her expected no immediate reply but Seulgi picked up and said, ‘Hey.’

‘Hey. How are you?’

‘Not too bad. What about you? How are you holding up?’

‘I thought maybe we could meet,’ Wendy said. She said no more. With Seulgi she never had to. Seulgi shifted her phone from one ear to the other and said, ‘Do you want me to come over? Or do you wanna meet somewhere and grab something to eat?’

‘I’m not really that hungry. I ate earlier. But bring ice cream, if you’ve got it.’

‘Alright,’ Seulgi said with a laugh. ‘I’ll be there soon.’

Wendy sat on the edge of her bed and tried to compose herself. It was painfully quiet and she could hear herself breathing. Everything felt unlived, untouched. The old cone lamp on the dresser table, a glass of water, a framed photo of her family, the box of anti-depressants she took every morning. Most of her time had been spent at Gold Star or at Joohyun’s but there existed still an awful and newly formed sense of outsideness, as if she didn’t quite belong in her own home anymore.

The knock at the door came half an hour later. She was in the livingroom watching TV when she heard it and answered to Seulgi in the knitted orange sweater Wendy had bought her for her birthday. She had a bag in one hand and a bottle of something alcoholic in the other. ‘Surprise,’ she said with a smile, all teeth and round face and eyes alight.

‘Is that champagne?’

‘Yeah. Figured I’d treat us, you know?’

‘Is that ice cream?’

‘You bet it is,’ Seulgi said. Wendy let her into the apartment and closed the door behind her. She set two tubs of mint chocolate ice cream on the kitchen table and put the bottle of champagne next to it and sat down. ‘What’s on?’ she said, nodding to the wall divider between the kitchen and the livingroom.

‘Don’t know. I wasn’t really paying attention. I just put it on in the background.’

‘So.’

‘So.’

‘What’s up?’

‘It’s a long story.’

‘Should I be sitting somewhere more comfortable for this?’

‘Maybe,’ Wendy said. ‘Probably. Actually, yeah. That would be better.’

‘Livingroom?’

‘Sure.’

Wendy went and put the tubs of ice cream in the freezer and went into the livingroom and turned off the TV. It was a small en-suite place in the cosy warmth of her apartment. And yet still did the feeling of unease remain, lost in her own domain. They sat on the couch side by side in silence for a while. It was a familiar sight, Seulgi sitting and allowing her the space to be by herself, alone with her thoughts, formulating a way in which she could explain herself fully and without confusion. Soon enough she was almost crying. She said, in a voice barely her own, ‘I don’t know what to do anymore.’

‘What do you mean? About what?’

‘I signed a contract amendment a few days ago and it’s been on my mind ever since. It was a set of rules and regulations they say I have to follow now that I’m an idol.’

‘But you’re not an idol.’

‘Exactly. But Sooyoung said I was “idol-adjacent.” Basically the way I’m presented to the public is like an idol. Identical, actually. So I have to behave like an idol. That means a whole slew of bull that comes with it.’

‘Like what?’

Wendy was quiet. That seemed an answer in and of itself.

‘Oh, Seungwan.’

‘I don’t know what to do.’

‘It’s okay.’

Wendy closed her eyes and put her palms up to her face and wept. It hurt an awful lot. Even thinking about any other possible future was a terrible and sharp pain in her chest. She felt Seulgi’s arm go around her shoulder and pull her into a soft and calming embrace and there she sat, crying while Seulgi rubbed her arm and told her it was okay. ‘What do I do?’ she mumbled.

‘I don’t know. What did the contract say?’

‘Nothing specifically. That’s the worst part. There was no order or instruction or demand of me. It basically just implied a bunch of – it said it would be “better” if I stayed away from it. Better for my career. It warned me of the consequences of not doing that.’

‘What sort of things?’

Wendy sat back up and wiped her eyes with her sleep and sniffled. She looked almost childlike sat there with her legs folded and her red and puffy face. ‘Mostly about who I’m allowed and not allowed to be seen talking to, about what sort of activities I can get up to, about what sort of things I can post on social media or tell people about or talk about in interviews. A bunch of topics that were completely off limits at all times.’

‘Like what?’

‘Politics, religion, , race and gender, uality.’

‘It said that?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Explicitly?’

‘Yeah,’ Wendy said. ‘That wasn’t the part that was implied.’

‘What was the implied part?’

Wendy was quiet a while. Even with Seulgi there beside her as tranquil mediator her hands clenched and unclenched and her fingers were cold and her palms sweaty. ‘The contract and Sooyoung said it would be better for my career if I didn’t think about dating for the meantime. That was the worst part. There was no ban on dating or falling in love or seeing people, just a sort of suggestion that I should stay away from it because if I was found out it could ruin my career. Which is ing stupid. How do you expect someone to ignore love? Or dating? Or whatever. I’m a human being.’

‘It said that?’

‘More or less. Said I was basically to lie if I was ever asked about it on TV as well. Tell them I didn’t have time for dating or whatever.’

‘Sounds like such bull.’

‘That’s exactly what I said. But the contract said it was basic futureproofing for if I become a huge celebrity star. I’ve already got the number-one song in the country, and if my album takes off I could be the next IU or something. And then I wouldn’t be able to even go out in public without people taking pictures of me. That’s what it said, pretty much. In more formal terms. Sooyoung said the same thing. So imagine what she would say if she knew I was dating. And imagine if she knew I was dating a ing woman.’

Seulgi nodded solemnly.

‘What do I do, Seulgi?’

‘About what?’

‘Do you want me to come out and say it?’

Seulgi shook her head. ‘I know what you mean,’ she said.

‘The worst part is how it was just a suggestion. Like I said, no demanding. Nothing specific. It means I have to make my own choice, for the sake of me and my career and her. So what do I do?’

‘Have you tried talking to her about it yet?’

‘No. But she knows something is wrong.’

‘How do you know?’

‘Yesterday she kept asking me if I was okay? Kept assuring me I could talk to her if something was wrong. She knows something is up. She just doesn’t know what yet.’

‘How are you going to talk about it?’

‘I don’t know,’ Wendy said, and it was the truth. She was almost crying again. ‘I love her, Seulgi. I really love her. I don’t know if I can let her go, even for a short time. God, what am I going to do if I ever go on tour? Or have to leave the country? Or be away from her? She’s the only thing that calms me down. The only thing that keeps me grounded anymore. As pathetic as that probably sounds.’

‘You’ve only just got together.’

‘I know. That’s the worst part. What am I going to do?’

Seulgi was silent for an uncomfortable amount of time. She crossed her legs and smiled and said softly, ‘I think the first thing you should do is talk to her about it. Tell her the truth. Tell her how it makes you feel, and why you’re scared. Be mature about it. Both of you. I don’t think you can get anywhere if you don’t do that.’

Wendy could only smile. It was a small comfort in the whirlwind of her life that Seulgi was always so understanding and so willing to listen. ‘Thanks,’ she said. ‘I mean it. For always being there for me.’

‘What are best friends for, right?’

‘Right.’

‘You fancy that ice cream now?’

‘And a movie?’

‘Now you’re getting it,’ Seulgi said with a smile. ‘What’s Joohyun doing tonight?’

‘She’s working late, until close.’

‘Are you not seeing her tonight, then?’

Wendy shook her head. ‘If she asks, I’ll just tell her I’m with you. She’ll understand.’

Seulgi shifted off the couch and stood. ‘Find us a good movie,’ she said. ‘I’ll grab the ice cream.’

‘Something cheesy?’

‘And really bad. The badder the better.’

‘You mean the worse.’

‘Sure. Whatever.’

‘Seulgi.’

‘What?’

‘Are you okay?’

At that Seulgi had to laugh. ‘What?’ she said, tilting her head a slight, standing in the doorway.

‘Are you alright?’

‘Yeah, I’m alright. Why?’

‘I don’t know. You just…you know. You’ve been a bit distant these past few weeks. Ever since we met that night that I confessed to Joohyun. Or maybe before then, and I just didn’t realise it.’

‘Wow,’ Seulgi said, amused.

‘What?’

‘You really do pick up on everything, don’t you?’

‘Well, so do you.’

‘Guess you’re right.’

‘Well?’

Seulgi shifted her weight from one foot to the other. There in the pale doorway light she looked so content with herself. A sort of inner peace Wendy was almost jealous of, longed for. ‘I’m good,’ she said softly. ‘Just a bunch of stress with work and commitments and dancing. And generally just feeling a little blue, you know? With the direction my life’s taking. But it’s just one of those things.’

‘I’m always here, you know? If you ever need to talk to me about anything. I know you always the same to me, but it’s true. A shoulder to cry on.’

‘I’m not gonna cry. But thanks.’

‘I mean it.’

‘I know,’ Seulgi said, smiling brightly. ‘I mean it, too – thank you. Really. It’s good to know I’ve got someone I can always reach out, no matter what. But it’s nothing serious.’

‘It is. If you’re upset, it’s serious.’

‘I’m not upset. I’m just feeling a little blue, like I said. I think it’s normal. I think everyone gets it, honestly, but because it comes and goes it’s not something people pick up on a lot. I’ve just always been bad about hiding that sort of thing – I wear my heart on my sleeve, you know that. I’m a very emotional person. But I’m fine. I mean it. I think the most important part is noticing you’re down and you’re in a rut and being able to drag yourself back out of it again. I think it makes you a stronger person. Give it a week or two and I’ll be back to normal.’

‘Why didn’t you mention anything?’

‘Didn’t think it was relevant.’

‘What?’

‘I thought it was insulting.’

‘In what way?’

Seulgi shrugged. ‘There you were, with actual problems – romance issues, your anxiety, depression, your new job looming, stuff like that. And there I was, with none of that at all. Just feeling a little moody because I was putting in a couple extra hours at work, or because my choreo didn’t go the way I wanted it to go. Felt it was a bit ridiculous of me to be complaining. Or even showing it.’

‘Don’t ever feel like that,’ Wendy said. ‘I mean it. Just because someone else’s problems might be worse doesn’t make yours any less real. Your emotions are never invalidated by the struggles of others. That goes for everyone, not just you. I hate that mindset.’

‘Maybe you’re right.’

‘I am right. I’m always right.’

Seulgi just giggled, hand on the doorframe still.

‘I mean it, though,’ said Wendy. ‘You ever want to talk, I’m here. Always.’

‘You’re too good, you know that?’

‘What?’

‘Too kind. Whenever you’re struggling, your first thought is to reach out and help other people. It’s both inspiring and upsetting.’

‘Upsetting how?’

‘Because you’re such an amazing person and it makes me feel a bit…I dunno. Like less of a person.’

‘Now you’re just buttering up to me.’

‘Maybe a little.’

Wendy smiled softly. ‘I mean it, though. If you ever need me.’

‘I know. It’s one of the reasons I wanted to come over tonight. Well, that and because you wanted it too. This is my therapy, you know? Us doing this. Reminds me of the good old days.’

‘No stress, no worries.’

‘Exactly.’

‘Seulgi.’

‘What?’

‘Go and get the ice cream.’

‘Sure,’ Seulgi said with a smile. ‘Don’t start it without me.’

She knew that Joohyun wasn’t working until the afternoon again and perhaps it was this knowledge that had Wendy waking at eight in the morning to a cold blue day, knowing she’d only have time before then to catch up and talk to her properly. It was cold even wrapped in a duvet she’d taken from the laundry closet. The TV was still playing on mute, lame marionette characters caught in a mimeshow act for hours. Seulgi lay on the floor beside the coffeetable with a thin bedsheet draped over her, mouth agape and snoring lightly and altogether rather comical.

Wendy spent a good minute just smiling at her. It had been a long time since they’d done this. University was a distant and beautiful memory, a recollection of simpler times. Times spent crashing in each other’s dorm rooms for no reason other than because they could. Or because they were too drunk to walk back. She pushed down the duvet and scrambled around for the remote on the table and turned the TV off and lay back down. Her head was swimming with thoughts of Joohyun. Her phone had no new texts. Not even from Sooyoung. She put it back on the table beside the two empty ice cream cartons and a half-eaten packet of cookies and two used spoons and lay down and closed her eyes.

All the world span in her periphery when she opened them again. She shut her eyes and there were strange shapes on the backs of her eyelids in the dark. It hurt to breathe and hurt to think and her head ached and Seulgi was stirring on the floor quietly. Wendy glanced down at her. She looked to be in another world entirely and it was almost too funny. ‘Morning,’ Wendy murmured.

‘What time is it?’

‘Like, eight. Are you working today?’

‘I took the morning off,’ Seulgi mumbled, rolling over and wiping her eyes and pushing her hair out of her face.

‘To come and eat ice cream with me?’

‘Kinda, yeah. And because I felt like it.’

‘Thanks,’ Wendy said. ‘For coming over.’

‘Any time,’ said Seulgi with a tired smile. ‘Will you do me a favour and wake me again in a couple hours, please? I need my beauty sleep.’

Seulgi’s gentle encouragement had done a great deal for her momentary wellbeing and very little for her future psyche. There was nothing to fault Seulgi for in that, or anyone other than Wendy herself. That morning at eight AM had been full of imagined visions of confessing everything to Joohyun, but nothing concrete to follow through on. So that a week later she had come no closer to admitting any of it.

And Joohyun knew. The worst part was how aware of this Wendy was, in the way she cupped Wendy’s face and kissed her and asked her softly if everything was okay, encouraging her to just say what was on her mind. But it is never that easy. Never could be.

She sat on the bench and waited. The night ran dark and crude and there was no moon and it looked fit to rain. It hadn’t rained in weeks. She tapped her feet on the floor and clenched her fists and bit her lip. Even the stress ball had stopped working and she thought perhaps it best to get rid of it altogether. Joohyun arrived fifteen minutes later. She was wearing a plain black shirt and her hair was pinned back and lovely and Wendy had to stop herself from pulling her into a sweet and desperate kiss there by the side of the Han River for all the world to see. If they decided to watch. And the truth now was that such a thing was more likely than it had ever been before and would only become more likely in the future. So her paranoia was suzerain again.

‘Hey,’ Joohyun said with a smile. ‘What are you doing out here? I thought you said you were coming to mine.’

‘I’ve got something to tell you,’ said Wendy. Joohyun took one look at the solemnity on her face and dropped the smile and said softly, ‘What is it?’

‘It’s important. I feel like I need to talk about it.’

Joohyun sat beside her. Cars passed their silence in intermittent intervals and it was hard to think straight and Wendy was almost crying. ‘Is this about what’s been bothering you for the past week or two?’ Joohyun asked.

‘Yeah.’

‘What is it? You know you can talk to me, right? About anything.’

‘Not about this. I really don’t think I can. But I have to.’

‘Seungwan, what’s wrong?’

She took a deep breath. Her hands had gone cold in her lap and she had to rub them together to feel anything at all and yet despite this her palms were strangely sticky and there was sweat beading across her forehead. ‘The other day in that meeting with Sooyoung,’ she said. ‘It’s about that. I told you it was a congratulatory meeting, to celebrate my song going number one. I lied. I lied to you. It wasn’t that.’

Joohyun was quiet, attentive.

‘It was a contract amendment they made me sign. Basically a list of rules and guidelines now that I’m going to be in the spotlight. Now that I’m going to be an idol.’

‘You’re not an idol,’ Joohyun replied, echoing Seulgi perfectly.

‘I know. But I’m being presented to the public the same way, and I’m around idols, and I will be in the future. And the fans and the press will treat me like an idol. So, the company are doing the same thing. And this list of rules and suggestions was mostly about that.’

‘What did it say?’

‘They had me sign it. I had to.’

Joohyun just nodded. It took a lot of effort for Wendy to work up the courage to say, in a voice that was almost a whisper, ‘A lot of it was about dating and relationships.’

‘What?’

‘About what you can and can’t do.’

‘Did it—’

‘No, it didn’t ban dating. Sooyoung told me that that’s just something they sell to the public to help maintain an image. But it was a suggestion, at least. It was an implication that it would be better to not see anyone for the sake of my career and more importantly for the sake of the company. And I said this to Seulgi – I think that’s worse. That takes all the responsibility off the shoulders of the company and puts it on me. They don’t have to worry about policing the rules, because there are no rules. There are just small sentences of text that say. “Hey, you probably shouldn’t do this,” so then it’s up to me and me alone to decide whether I still want to do it or not. And I hate that. I hate it so much.’

She was crying now. Joohyun took her hand gently and she shied back and let go and wiped her eyes and continued. ‘I don’t know what to do,’ she said. ‘They made it very clear what would happen if I were caught in a scandal of any kind. As stupid and invasive as that all sounds. And even worse if I were caught with…’

‘With.’

‘With a woman.’

‘Yeah,’ Joohyun said.

‘At that point it’s not about me anymore. It’s about the company. Sooyoung’s said as much before – the reason I don’t have creative control, the reason I have to follow their bull rules so closely, the reason they give me all these restrictive guidelines, morally or ethically wrong as I think they are – it’s because they’re a business. And if even three or four fans decide not to buy my album or stream my single because they don’t like the idea of me dating, or they’re disgusted at the idea of me being gay, or whatever else, then that’s money lost for the company. What am I supposed to say to that? It stops being solely about me. It’s about hundreds of people at Gold Star. And more importantly, it’s about you.’

‘Me?’

‘What if some photographer for Dispatch or some other news outlet came snooping around your apartment? Or a fan started hounding you for information on me? Or people followed you to work? Or you were harassed? Or disgraced? Or driven away from your job? What then?’

‘That—’

‘Could happen,’ Wendy said. ‘It might not. I might not ever get popular enough for that to be a reality. Hell, my album might release and go completely unnoticed and I’ll just fly under the radar, another one-hit wonder in an era of them. But maybe not. I can’t know that. You can’t know that. Nobody can. Even Sooyoung and the company can only predict things. So I have to make a choice. Right now, I have to make a decision. And I can’t do that. I’ve tried and I can’t.’

Joohyun was quiet for a long time. There was something oddly calm about her that Wendy did not like at all. As if she had not truly understood the gravity of the situation, but she had. She said, ‘You’re breaking up with me.’

‘That’s not what I said. I said I couldn’t make a decision.’

‘You want me to make it for you. You want me to say it.’

‘Joohyun—’

She tried to smile at Wendy and could only manage it through wet eyes. In that glassy glare Wendy saw herself twinned and pathetic in the pale moonlight. ‘I knew it would come to this,’ she said, voice on the brink of falling apart. ‘I had this feeling it would all come crashing down. I don’t know why, I just did. It’s been eating away at the back of my mind for a while now. Basically since we got together. Or even before that. I knew this would happen.’

‘Joohyun.’

‘You want me to say it, don’t you?’

Wendy just wept. The silence felt like a death knoll. Her entire universe collapsing unceremoniously in on itself. Joohyun cupped her face with one hand and wiped a tear from her cheek and smiled a gentle and aching smile. ‘I love you,’ she said.

‘I love you too.’

‘It’ll only be for a short time, yeah?’

To this Wendy could give no answer. She would not lie to Joohyun. Could not bring herself to force out a phantom truth even if it would temporarily ease the pain. And it seemed Joohyun understood this just as well. She smiled again. Her thumb ran across Wendy’s cheek and wiped aside another tear and she said, ‘You’ve given me the best three months of my life. The best year.’

‘Don’t say that.’

‘It’s true. I’ve never been happier. Never felt more secure in myself. Never felt like this.’

‘Joohyun—’

‘But all good things must end, right? Eventually.’

‘Joohyun, please.’

‘Just for your promotion cycle, yeah? While you’re in the spotlight. It’ll be over before you know it.’

Wendy could not smile. Joohyun nodded, as if trying to convince herself of this. Her lips were quivering and it hurt to look at her and so Wendy did not.

‘I should go,’ Joohyun said. ‘I’ve got work tomorrow morning. Yeri’s not in until the afternoon so I’m opening the store.’

‘Joohyun—’

‘I’ll see you soon, yeah?’

Wendy tried to smile. She thought about pulling her in for a kiss and looked about and then she was crying again. ‘Joohyun,’ she said.

‘I’ll text you tomorrow.’

‘Please.’

‘I love you, you know that, right? Just don’t wait too long.’

Wendy looked at her. She stood and smiled the warmest smile Wendy had ever seen before. ‘Goodnight,’ she said, straining to make it sound as if there were any joy in it at all. Wendy watched her turn and walk away. She watched for a long time. Passing under the dome of the streetlamps and down the waterfront path and then like a spectre divided back into that accommodate darkness and gone entirely. And all that remained was the silence