Heart Hope

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"'Cause I need something more than everything,

A higher self, deep within."

The cab was long and cold and awkward. It was a good half an hour before she pulled up outside the apartment block and thanked the driver and paid and stepped out into the bitter night air. She had to wince at the thin light from the streetlamps along the sidewalk. Everything seemed eerily quiet. She went on through the lobby and up to the third floor. By the time she reached the second floor she could hear music already. A soft and distant humming somewhere higher in the building.

Joohyun took her time. She checked her phone to find no new messages and sighed and held a hand out to the door on the third-floor stairwell. Some guy was slumped in the corner of the stairwell with his phone on the floor beside him and a bottle spilt in his lap and Joohyun took one look at him and opened the door and went on in.

All the apartment doors were open. The music was much louder. The pale ceilinglights had been replaced by a sort of dim neon that she had to strain to see through and it stank of beer and gin and cigarettes and faintly of orange juice for whatever reason. People were stood all about. So much so that she had to nudge her way past in apology and to the apartment at the far end of the corridor on the left-hand side. Apologising all the while. Everybody was a great deal more drunk than her and she hated that.

Inside the apartment she found more alcohol and dim lights and people passed out and then she found Jennie, dancing with a handful of people Joohyun didn’t know to the music in the livingroom. She turned and saw Joohyun and smiled an enormous smile that told Joohyun immediately she was perhaps the drunkest of them all. She stank of vodka and cigarettes. And she would not hug Joohyun, even drunk. ‘Oh my god!’ she said. ‘Yeri told me you weren’t coming! She said you were busy tonight. Said you had something on.’

‘Yeah, I did. I still do. I’m not stopping long. Do you know where she is?’

‘Yeri?’

‘Yeah.’

Jennie shrugged. She wobbled side to side and her eyes were hooded as if she were trying to fight off a bout of sleep and her breath smelt like cheap cranberry juice. ‘Dunno,’ she mumbled. ‘Think I saw her in the bathroom across the hall. Apartment six.’

‘Okay. Thanks.’

‘Wait. Do you want a drink? I’ll get you a drink.’

‘No thanks,’ Joohyun said.

‘Are you sure? I’ve missed you. We need to hang out more. I’ll get you a drink.’

‘We will. I need to find Yeri first.’

Jennie seemed not to be paying attention any longer. Across the hall in the bathroom she found Yeri, just as Jennie had said. She was slumped against the side of the toiletbowl with her head leaning on the plastic toilet seat and she was dribbling on herself. For a while Joohyun just stood there. It was hard not to laugh in all honesty. ‘Jesus,’ she said, ‘look at you.’

Yeri stirred. She looked like something excavated from a book of sorcery. Like a fossil returned to life by some more wicked and primeval form of witchcraft. ‘What?’ she murmured. ‘What?’

‘Having fun there?’

She opened her eyes and looked at Joohyun and smiled the widest and drunkest smile Joohyun had ever seen. ‘Oh,’ she said, ‘hey there. You came.’

‘Figured I’d save you from almost certain death.’

‘Death.’

‘Can you walk?’

She gave a thumbs up, but made no attempt to move.

‘Yeri.’

‘Gimme a minute,’ Yeri said. Slowly she tried to rise. It was a task of epic proportions that she was not up to. Joohyun leant down and hoisted her up and put Yeri’s arm around her shoulder and stumbled out into the corridor with her like a victim of war. ‘You stink,’ she said. ‘How much have you had to drink?’

‘Quite a bit. Did you have fun?’

‘What?’

‘With your girlfriend.’

‘What?’

‘Friend,’ Yeri mumbled. ‘Did you have fun?’

‘Yeah I did. I was having fun.’

‘Sorry. For ruining your evening. I didn’t mean to.’

Joohyun just giggled. ‘It’s okay,’ she said. ‘Let’s get you home.’

It only took one ring for Seulgi to pick up the phone and say, ‘Hey.’

‘Hi. Just figured I’d ring you.’

‘Well? How did it go?’

‘Went great,’ Wendy said. ‘Went really well. At least, I think it did. It felt like it did. I don’t know if it actually did, but they applauded me. So I guess maybe it did.’

‘I know it would,’ said Seulgi. When she spoke it was in such a way that Wendy could tell she was smiling on the other end of the phone. ‘I just had this feeling you would ace it tonight.’

‘Thanks. It was touch and go for a while, but I did it.’

‘I knew you could. You can do anything if you really want to. I know you don’t want to hear that because it sounds dumb, but I believe it. And you should, too. I knew you could.’

‘Yeah,’ Wendy said, not knowing what else there was to say. It wasn’t uncomfortable because it never was with Seulgi, but she could tell Seulgi knew there was something she wasn’t saying. So after a moment’s pause she lay on her bed and closed her eyes and said, ‘She was there tonight.’

‘What? Who was?’

‘Joohyun.’

‘Who’s Joohyun?’

‘The girl from Coffee King. The one that said I had a beautiful voice.’

‘And face.’

‘Yeah. And face. The one I disappointed the other week when I said I was performing and then I just didn’t. She was there tonight. I asked her to come along.’

‘And?’

‘And what?’

‘You know,’ Seulgi said.

Wendy was quiet a while. Counting her breaths. All that came to her were thoughts of Joohyun, the delicate sharp shape of her face, her ears, the glimmer in her eyes. And it would take a long time before she would be able to think of anything else. ‘We just had a drink together,’ she said. ‘And went for a walk. She said it was a good performance.’

‘Well,’ Seulgi said, and said no more. Knowing that Wendy would tell her more if there were more to tell, or when.

‘I checked my emails earlier as well,’ said Wendy.

‘Yeah?’

‘I’ve got three more gigs that accepted me in the next six weeks or so. That’s on top of the one I’m doing on Friday.’

‘Are you serious? That’s so good.’

‘I know. I couldn’t believe it. I read them on the way home and I was like, wow. Had to read it all again.’

‘That’s amazing.’

‘Yeah. And I’m thinking maybe I could use my free time this week or next week to hire out some more studio hours and get the last bit of my EP finished up. It’s been, like, six months.’

‘I don’t think it’s been that long, has it?’

‘It feels like it. I just want to get it finished.’

‘Well,’ Seulgi said. She shifted the phone from one ear to the other. ‘Let me know what you plan on doing. And how it goes.’

‘Will do. Thanks.’

‘For what?’

‘For listening to me. As always.’

‘I’m here any time. You know that.’

‘Yeah,’ Wendy said with a little smile. ‘Thank you. Oh, .’

‘What? What’s wrong?’

‘I forgot my coat.’

It was eight PM the next night when she knocked on the apartment door and waited. What was strange was the fact she was not nervous at all. Her hands were not shaking. No part of her was. She had spent the entire day sat alone in her room on her bed doing nothing and then just after six had showered and dressed and gone out and walked for a while in the cold and the dark going nowhere like a dreamer. This lonely wayward wanderer. On a journey that had her ending up at Joohyun’s apartment door tapping her foot on the carpet in anticipation. She waited. A moment later Joohyun answered. She was wearing a pastel pink shirt and she looked at Wendy and smiled and opened the door wider and said, ‘I was wondering when you’d come round. Or text me or something.’

‘Yeah, I kinda forgot my coat last night. Sorry.’

‘No worries. Do you want to come in?’

Wendy nodded a little too enthusiastically. Her coat was still there on the back of the chair when she sat. Joohyun boiled a pot of coffee and sat opposite and handed her a cup over the table. She was still smiling. Smiling all the while. Wendy thought she could get lost in the way her lips curved upwards so daintily and with such effortlessness. It was a face entire to put her world at ease. No trembling fingers or chewing of her lips or constricting of her chest. As she sipped her coffee she thought about the fact that approaching Joohyun – talking to her at Coffee King and asking her to come along to watch her perform and knocking on her apartment door – had been the only thing in years that had not taken an obscene amount of preparation and effort beforehand. Even something as small going to the bank alone, or ringing her landlord, had taken weeks of telling herself it was all going to be okay. But this had come and gone. Perhaps there was something in that. If so she wasn’t quite sure what it was yet.

‘Did you want something to eat?’ Joohyun said.

‘No, I’m okay. I should’ve probably text you earlier. Sorry about that.’

‘It’s cool. I don’t mind. It was a pretty busy today at the store today. I didn’t get much time for a break.’

Wendy just nodded. She stole a glance at Joohyun and dropped her gaze again and coughed into her hand. She was so beautiful. Likely it was the uninvited and unwelcome part of her brain that acted on instinct and attraction that told her that but it was very powerful and immediate and all it said again and again was: She is gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. How can anyone ever be that gorgeous? It’s unfair. It’s cruel to the rest of us.

‘Are you still performing this Friday?’ Joohyun said.

‘Yeah.’

‘Where is it?’

‘It’s a bar called Shape.’

‘Oh, is it the one just up the avenue from here?’

‘Yeah.’

‘I’ve been before. With a couple friends a while ago. It’s a nice place. A little cramped, but nice. Should be a good place to perform, I think.’

‘I’ve got a few more lined up as well.’

‘A few more what? Performances?’

‘Yeah.’

‘That’s so cool. Seriously. So is this, like, your thing now? Your job?’

‘Sort of. I mean, it’s only a job as long as I keep getting hired. And it’s not something I want to get stuck in long term, if I can help it. But for now, yeah. I hope so. And, you know, you’re more than happy to come along to them if you want. I mean, you don’t have to.’

‘I’d love to,’ Joohyun said, so genuine Wendy had to stop and sip her coffee and fight back a grimace at the heat. She glanced about the room and back at Joohyun and nodded to the window at the back of the apartment. The little wooden table with the notepads and pencils. ‘What’s that?’ she said.

‘What?’

‘All that on the table. Sorry for being nosy. I just couldn’t help but notice you had a bunch of, like, notebooks and stuff. And pencils.’

‘Oh,’ Joohyun said. She turned in her seat to look at the table with a sort of wistful and distant smile. ‘That’s just my writing.’

‘Oh, right. I remember you said you wanted to do writing.’

‘Yeah. It’s mainly just poetry stuff. I write whenever I get the time and space to write. Usually it’s about nothing. Inspiration just sort of comes to me from nowhere most of the time and I write it down. Sometimes I’ll just go for a walk through the city and take a notepad and a couple pencils with me and scribble some stuff down. Whatever comes into my head. None of it’s good at all. In fact, I’m a terrible poet. But yeah.’

‘I’m sure you’re not.’

‘I am,’ Joohyun said. Wendy glanced at her again. There was a certain distance in her that Wendy didn’t like much at all. Something that went much deeper than surface level self-doubt and criticism. An apparent sadness that felt solemn and immediate. But whatever it was remained firmly locked away. Joohyun shifted in her seat and forced a smile and said, ‘There’s nothing really worth saving. I don’t know why I do it. I put them all in little boxes and stash them away for safekeeping. I’ve got dozens of them now. Probably even more.’

‘Can I read some of it? Or can you read it?’ Joohyun looked at her and Wendy said, ‘Unless you don’t want to. I get that. Totally get it. I don’t like reading my songwriting lyrics to people.’

Joohyun was quiet for a long time. The truth to her was she had never read her poetry to anyone, not even her parents, not even Yeri. But there was something in the sincerity of Wendy that made her stand up and push her chair back and bring one of the notebooks to the table with her and open it to the latest page with a sort of shyness. ‘It’s really awful,’ she said, brushing her hair out of her face.

‘You don’t have to read it to me. But I’d like to hear it. I bet you’re being too harsh on yourself.’

‘Well,’ Joohyun said. She spoke with a certain timidity that Wendy had not heard from her before. She turned to a page before and said, ‘I wrote this one a couple days ago in, like, half an hour. Not that I’m making excuses for it being terrible or anything. Or I’m not trying to. But yeah. Basically I just sat down and wrote it out and was done with it, but it’s the latest thing I’ve written.’

‘Sure,’ Wendy said, unsure of what else to say. Joohyun looked at her awkwardly. Then she looked down at the notebook and began to read, in English:

At summer’s end does this belong,

Past golden hills, the sunkissed sea,

Where time ago, we sang our song,

You always were the one for me.

I saw before a dance of two,

As soft, as sweet, I ever saw,

But once that dance was done, I knew,

There’d be no smiles forever more.

They played, they danced, in pale moonlight,

Closed eyes, they met in brief new air,

To live forever on this night,

A night was all they had to spare.

A thousand days could pass them by,

And never once a chance to live,

A lifetime spent on what and why,

And time was all they had to give.

If one was born the other, then

The pain would be much less betwixt,

But that would wager on the when,

And times of when cannot be fixed.

So fly, my bird, fly far and long,

Cross oceans, now forever free,

And you will know within this song,

You never were the one for me.

When she was finished she looked almost bashful. A soft pink tinge had risen to her cheeks. Her hands fiddled with the bound spine of the notebook and when she spoke she couldn’t look Wendy in the eye.

‘Like I said, it took about half an hour. That’s why it’s only six stanzas. And it’s very basic stuff. ABAB rhyme scheme because I’m not smart enough to think of anything else, in English or Korean. I wrote it in Iambic tetrameter as well, because after pentameter it’s probably the meter of rhyme I’m most comfortable with, and I feel like pentameter is so overdone. Not that I set out with the purpose of using a specific rhyme scheme or anything, but yeah, they’re there for a reason. Because they work. Although I’m so bad at this that I had to tweak some of the rhymes to make them fit. I mean, using “betwixt” is pretty much Shakespearean. Sounds awful. I guess that’s the Wordsworth influence showing itself. But I couldn’t think of anything that rhymed with “fixed” and still made sense in context. That’s the downside of Iambic tetrameter. You’ve got four iambs, sure, but really you’ve only got, like, one iamb to work with for your rhymes. Or two if you’re clever enough to try your hand at internal rhymes. I tried that with “saw” in the second stanza, but it just comes off as awkward. Everything needs to be really concise and clean. And mine just isn’t. That’s why I had to use a bunch of awkward stuff. Maybe it’s because English is my second language. I mean, I feel like I’ve got a really good grasp on it, but still.’

‘You wrote that?’ Wendy said.

‘Yeah.’

‘You really wrote that?’

‘Yeah,’ Joohyun said again.

‘That was beautiful. Really beautiful. To write that in half an hour. And to write that in a second language, something like that…just incredible. You seriously wrote that?’

‘Yeah,’ said Joohyun, an adorable shyness to her.

‘And you said that was terrible? And that you can’t write?’

‘Well.’

‘That’s genuinely amazing. I mean, I’m not a poetry expert, but I’ve heard quite a bit. And that was really good. I loved it. It has a really nice flow to it.’

Joohyun shrugged and closed the notebook. ‘Maybe I’ll read you some more sometime,’ she muttered.

‘If it’s like that, I’ll listen anytime. That was amazing. Really.’

‘Thanks.’

‘Why do you think your poetry isn’t any good?’

‘I’ve never had anyone say anything positive about it,’ Joohyun said, voice small and distant. ‘Or anything really about it at all. People just sort of ignored it. I think they were too kind to say they thought it was really bad. And I guess it’s just part of my persecution complex, honestly. I’ve just never really felt good enough at anything. I know how that sounds, but yeah. I’ve always felt like I’ve been…I don’t know. A disappointment, I guess. In everything.’

‘Don’t say that.’

‘I’m just telling you the truth. It’s irrational of me, but yeah. I’ve had bad experiences in the past.’

‘With poetry?’

‘With everything,’ Jooyhyun said. Wendy waited for her to clarify but she did not. She just sat there, hand on the cover of the notebook, chewing her bottom lip. She looked so profoundly sad for a moment. As if she had voiced something that should not ever have been voice.

‘Maybe you should write songs,’ Wendy said.

‘What?’

‘Like, you know…songwriting. Maybe you’d be good at it.’

‘I don’t think it’s for me.’

‘You never know. You might like it.’

‘Maybe,’ Joohyun said.

Wendy was quiet for a long time. Stranger than anything was the fact that she remained calm in a way that nobody could else bring out of her save occasionally Seulgi. A sort of tranquillity at the world for once. Where nobody was judging her and there was no paranoia and no awful closing of her lungs and shortness of breath and dizziness and no tears. Just her and Joohyun. She said softly and awkwardly, ‘Did you want to grab a meal on Friday or something? Or do something? After my performance, I mean. If you’re still planning on coming.’

‘Of course,’ Joohyun said, with a smile to light the world. ‘I can’t wait.’