Without You

Now Playing

"I'm digging down holes without you,

Can't be on my own without you,

I'm a little bit lost without you,

Without you."

Long are the days of summer.

It is in this length she searches for solitude and finds nothing. The slow descent of the sun carries her from one day to the next and there it finds her crying and alone and terrified of the future. Alone come the tears. She exists in situational homogeneity – the studio and the cafeteria and her favourite restaurant with her closest friend in the world and her empty apartment where all trace of Joohyun has been wiped clean and disappeared and they are all one and the same. They exude about them this identical thing because Joohyun is not there and she should be. Her phone is quiet, her head vacant. She stands gazing into the void and there is nothing to see and alone she holds out her hand to the darkness pleading and pleading but nobody takes it and she is crying again.

Perhaps there was something almost comical in the way Wendy thought her career could be described as having gone off the rails almost before it had even begun. She sat alone in the studio room on the couch with her legs bunched up to her chest. On the carpet beside was an empty soju bottle and a second in her hand. She stank of it. Her face was red and puffy with tears and with the drink and it hurt to do anything but sniffle and swallow her saliva and drink again.

Nothing made a sound. There was not even a clock to keep her some sort of company. No messages on her phone. It had been three and a half weeks since Joohyun had left her standing there on the waterfront and it had been the hardest three and a half weeks of her life. Every day had gone by trying to convince herself to convince Joohyun, but she was not so strong. Never had been. The anxiety had taken over as it often did. Standing on the precipice she had fallen in and now there was no way back out. Not so late into it.

Every so often her phone hummed and she picked it up and checked to find messages of congratulations from people she’d only ever talked to in passing – old friends, company acquaintances, fellow singers. The time read 4:58 PM. The date August 2nd. Her album had been out twenty-nine hours and Good For was back to number one on the charts and the album tracks not far below. And yet the joy she had felt in this had been momentary. All that remained was a hollowedout shell, sitting there drunk and pathetic and weeping like a child and mumbling: Come on, Seungwan. Pull it together.

It was almost six PM when she heard the door click. She thought it might have been her sound engineer but it was Sooyoung, dressed in a formal shirt and slacks and with her hair tied back. She took one look at Wendy on the couch and frowned and closed the door behind her. Wendy wiped her eyes and sat up and tried to pretend she had not been either drinking or crying but it was pointless because Sooyoung had already seen. She glanced at the bottle on the floor. ‘Wendy,’ she said.

‘Hey.’

‘I’ve been looking everywhere for you.’

‘Sorry,’ Wendy said, wiping her eyes and sniffling. ‘I just needed some time alone.’

She thought Sooyoung might chide her. Instead she said, ‘You got any more of that?’

‘What?’

‘Soju.’

Wendy was quiet for a while. Then she pointed to her backpack by the mixing boards and said, ‘In there.’

Sooyoung took out two bottles of soju and held them up and opened one and drank from it. Wendy just watched her. She sat on the far end of the couch and shifted so she could look at Wendy and then she smiled a strangely friendly smile Wendy had not seen before, tinged with sympathy and care. ‘I don’t know what you’re going through,’ she said, ‘what’s gotten you like this, what’s made you feel so upset lately, but I’m here for you. I know I’m your manager, and technically sort of your boss, but if you ever need anyone to listen to you, I’m here. As a friend firstly.’

Wendy crossed her legs and drank and Sooyoung did the same. The silence was not as uncomfortable as she had expected it to feel. She drank until only half the bottle was left and then in a small and wavering voice said, ‘I miss her.’

‘Miss who?’

‘Joohyun.’

‘Who is Joohyun?’

‘She’s…a friend. A good friend of mine. And she’s gone for a while. Maybe forever. I did something very selfish. Never even thought about her. And I don't know how I can reconcile with that.’

Sooyoung never asked for her to clarify. As if she might in some way have already known, or at least understood on more than a surface level. She drank and sighed and drank again. ‘You know,’ she said, ‘when I first started working here a couple years ago, I came here all the time.’

‘Where?’

‘This studio room. Right here. Right where I’m sitting now. Whenever I was stressed or feeling hurt or tired or whatever, I’d just come in here and sit and just close my eyes. Just meditate. I don’t know why. There’s nothing really all that special about it. It’s not really the sort of room for meditating or anything. But it felt right to do it, for me. I haven’t been in here for about eight months now.’ She smiled and drank. ‘Guess I’m back to where I started.’

Wendy was silent. Sooyoung looked at her and lost the smile and said softly, ‘I know what you’re going through. Well, I don’t, obviously, but I understand how you’re feeling. And just know that it’s okay to feel like this. You’re not alone. There’s always someone you can reach out to for support, even if it doesn’t feel like it.’

‘They don’t want to listen.’

‘They do. More than you know. A lot more. People here at the company have been asking about you these past few weeks – people you’ve probably never talked to for more than ten seconds at a time before. The truth is that people care about people a lot more than even they know. It’s this subconscious thing. You don’t know what you have until you’ve lost it. Or until you’ve forgotten about it. You start taking it for granted. But people care. It’s in our nature to care.’

‘I don’t know what to do,’ Wendy wept. ‘I wish I had done things differently. Wish I could go all the way back and just change how it all went all along. And not just Joohyun. All of it.’

Sooyoung sipped her soju. ‘Do you want to know what I think?’ she said.

‘What?’

‘So many people spend time trying to amend things they’ve done – or not done – in the past. I think that’s wrong. I don’t think you can ever fix what’s already happened. The past is the past. It remains as such. All you can hope to do is adjust the present so as to not make the same mistake again. But that isn’t changing the past. And I think the more people try that, the more they eventually regret. And regret is the worst thing going. Regret never lets you go.’

‘I wish it were that easy.’

‘If it were easy, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.’

At this Wendy did not smile. Sooyoung finished the last of her first bottle and opened the second one immediately and nodded to the guitar in the case on the floor. ‘Why don’t you play something?’ she said.

‘Now?’

‘Yeah. Why not?’

‘Do you want me to play something?’

Sooyoung smiled a calming smile of encouragement. ‘Sure,’ she said. Wendy thought about it for a moment. Music had been the only thing to have ever come into her life that could ease the wound of daily existence. Before Joohyun, at least. She opened the case and took out her guitar and set it in her lap neatly and adjusted the strings and tested it to see if it was tuned properly. Her head was spinning. Already she felt sick and the second bottle had been a bad idea. Sooyoung just watched her. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath and began to play. It took all the effort she could muster not to break down and lose it. She sang:

Let me know,

Do I still got time to grow?

Things ain’t always set in stone,

Let me know, let me know.

Sooyoung watched her with pride and compassion. The song was not designed for a guitar only but she made it work. Her lips were quivering as she sang the refrain softly. It went:

Seems like street lights, glowing, happen to be

Just like moments, passing, in front of me,

So I hopped in the cab and I paid my fare,

See, I know my destination, but I’m just not there

In the streets,

In the streets.

The very last line of the song was Life’s just not fair.

She had no idea whether Sooyoung could understand her in English or not. It didn’t much matter. She opened her eyes and set the guitar down on top of the case and wiped her eyes and drank again. Sooyoung had a warm smile on her face and a pink tinge to her cheeks. ‘That was great,’ she said, almost a whisper. ‘You were born for singing.’

‘People keep telling me that a lot.’

‘Must be something to it, then.’

Wendy only shrugged and drank. She thought about what she was doing and then she thought about Joohyun could be doing. Outside somebody was laughing faintly. Sooyoung adjusted herself on the couch and smiled and said, ‘Whoever this Joohyun is, she must mean a lot to you.’

‘The world,’ Wendy sobbed.

It was August the third.

For some reason this was the only thing she focused on. Even when Yeri came and knocked on her door and told her to hurry up was she thinking only of the date. Four days until her appointment with Wendigo Books. The location was a small building in Sinchon at eight PM. SNL went live at eight thirty. Seungwan was on just before the interval, at nine fifteen. But what it matter. What did it matter at all.

Yeri was wearing the black jacket Joohyun had bought her for her birthday. In one hand she had a shoppingbag with a bottle of some description and in the other a bottle of cheap wine already opened and about a third of the way emptied. She smelt of perfume and wine and faintly of peppermint and she grinned at Joohyun and said, ‘You nearly ready?’

‘Yeah. Is that wine? In the bag.’

‘You’re damn right it is.’

‘For me?’

‘Sure,’ Yeri said. Joohyun went and fetched her jacket and keys and locked up behind her and followed Yeri down and through the lobby. A thin pinstripe of dark light washed about the sky like pastel colouring. The cab was waiting with the engine idling on the kerb and Yeri climbed in first and told him where they were going. She handed the second bottle of wine to Joohyun and told her to drink and enjoy herself and Joohyun did at least drink. Half an hour later they pulled up across the street from Yeri’s apartment block and stepped out into the cold a good deal drunker.

Joohyun tried to centre herself. It was a lot harder than she had expected it to be. The world seemed to be tilting away from her and it hurt and her chest was hurting for some strange reason. The bottle in her hand was less than half full. ‘Come on,’ Yeri said.

‘Wait. Wait a sec.’

‘What?’

She rubbed her head and hiccupped and said, ‘Nothing. What time is it?’

‘Nearly nine.’

‘When is everybody going to get here?’

‘What? You kidding me? They’re already upstairs.’

‘Are you serious?’

Yeri just shrugged.

‘You let them into your apartment and then went out? And just left them there?’

‘I trust them,’ Yeri said.

‘You don’t even know them.’

‘I know Jennie. And Jennie knows a couple others. And the others know…well, whatever. Who cares. There’s nothing of value to steal anyway.’

‘I wish I had your attitude sometimes.’

‘Drink and maybe you will.’

‘I don’t even know what that means.’

‘Nor me,’ Yeri said with a cheeky smile. They went on up to her apartment on the third floor. It was a small place, four rooms, and with neighbours that never seemed to care how much noise she made. One of the other apartments across the hall was also open and busy and they were playing house music and there were already people sat out in the corridor when they went on through. They said hi to Yeri and Yeri said something back to them but Joohyun wasn’t paying attention. The lights in the apartment were dim and palely neon and they hurt her eyes and her head throbbed and the wine tasted bitter and awful. But she drank it anyway. What else was there to do?

‘Come on,’ Yeri said. She ignored it. A minute later they found Jennie in the livingroom. She was sat laughing with two other girls and she saw Joohyun and stood with a beaming smile and said hi.

‘Hey,’ Joohyun said, forcing a smile.

‘You look amazing!’

‘Thanks. You too.’

Jennie said something else and Joohyun smiled. She looked at Yeri but Yeri’s attention had evaporated and she was left to nod and laugh and drink and hope it would all end soon enough. But the truth was she didn’t quite know what she wished to end. The night, and then what else? Would this exist as long as she thought of Seungwan? And was it not her misplaced martyrdom that had brought this upon her in the first place? She didn’t know. The answers eluded her much in the way sobriety did.

‘Come sit down,’ Jennie said. Joohyun glanced at the table in front of them. There were other people she’d never seen before sat crosslegged on the floor with playing cards in front of them and red solo cups and various bottles of various alcohols. ‘What are you doing?’ she said.

‘Drinking games.’

‘Which drinking games?’

‘Ring of Fire, Higher or Lower, some others. Come play.’

‘I should probably go and get some fresh air.’

‘Already?’

Joohyun glanced at Yeri but Yeri was gone and she was alone. She thought about Seungwan again. What was she doing right now? Singing? Practicing? Recording at the studio? Getting drunk much like this? Or would her loneliness have caught up with her again? The thought of that was too painful to bear. Seungwan sat alone in her apartment, fragile and scared of the world. She forced another smile and said, ‘Alright. But only a couple.’

It was a long while before she asked for the time again. The bottle of wine sat empty and she’d had half a dozen tastes of other drinks and the room refused to sit still and she wanted another drink to calm down. Jennie was still sat opposite. Some of the others had either disappeared or passed out. ‘Hey,’ Joohyun mumbled. ‘Hey.’

‘It’s your go.’

‘What time is it?’

Jennie swayed about on the couch. With enormous effort she pulled her phone out and checked and said, ‘Just gone midnight.’

‘. Already?’

‘It’s your go.’

‘Where’s Yeri?’

‘I don’t know. Joohyun, it’s your go.’

Joohyun glanced down at her cards. ‘I give up,’ she said.

‘What?’

‘Forfeit. I forfeit. I’ll be back soon. I think.’

‘Where are you going?’

‘To find Yeri,’ she said. It took a long time to stand up straight and walk five or ten metres. They were playing house music in the room. They had been for most of the night. Joohyun held a hand out to the wall for support. With all the grace and navigational ability of a blind woman she found the kitchen, found the counter, found a guy in a floral shirt drinking cider from a portable keg. ‘Hey,’ she murmured. ‘Hello.’

He looked at her.

‘Do you know where Yeri is? Yeri.’

‘She’s out there. In the hallway.’

‘Thank you.’

Joohyun found her at the end of the corridor near the stairwell. She was sat leaning against the wall with her legs out in front of her and a solo cup in one hand and she saw Joohyun coming and closed her eyes and giggled with a sort of drunk’s meticulous intolerance. ‘Joohyun!’ she said. ‘There you are.’

‘Where the did you go?’

‘Nowhere. Been here for hours. Where were you?’

‘In there,’ Joohyun said. She looked at Yeri again and had to laugh. It was the first time she’d laughed in weeks.

‘Come,’ Yeri muttered. ‘Come sit.’

She sat opposite, leaning against the wall, two drunks in poor company. ‘Give me that,’ she said. Yeri passed her the bottle and she drank with a grimace and was almost violently sick and had to pass it back immediately.

‘You look ed,’ Yeri said.

‘You’re not so hot yourself.’

‘How are you holding up?’

‘In general?’

‘Yeah.’

Joohyun thought about this for a long time. ‘I’ve been better,’ she said.

‘But you’ve been worse?’

‘Yeah, but in different ways. In a sense, this is worse.’

‘What do you mean?’

In the silence she tried to formulate an answer for this that would make sense. All she ended up doing was crying.

‘Joohyun. Joohyun.’

She wiped her eyes on her jacket sleeve and sniffled and was crying again.

‘Joohyun, are you alright?’

‘No,’ she mumbled. ‘I’m a mess.’

‘What’s wrong? Is it Wendy?’

‘Yeah, it’s Wendy. What do I do, Yeri? What am I supposed to do?’

Yeri just sat there. She was too drunk to give any sort of rational answer to this and in truth Joohyun didn’t expect one. There was no answer to give.

‘Yeri,’ she sobbed, ‘what do I do?’

For a moment the look on Yeri’s face was so solemn and so mature she expected a genuine reply. Some sort of life advice that would sap away the pain of losing Seungwan. The music had faded to nothing in the background. Yeri closed her eyes and smiled and made to speak. Then without warning or preamble she leant to side and held out her empty solo cup and vomited into it.

‘Oh my god,’ Joohyun said. ‘That is ing vile.’

Yeri just heaved into the cup. A thin strand of spit dribbled down her chin and she wiped it away and sat with her eyes closed breathing out like a degenerate.

‘That is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen in my life.’

‘It’s not that bad,’ Yeri mumbled.

‘Jesus Christ.’

At that Yeri had to giggle. ‘Hey,’ she said, barely conscious. ‘At least you’re not thinking about Wendy anymore, right?’