Overgrown

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"'I never get high when you're feeling low,

I'm pulling down stars just to make you glow,

It's just the way you are when you're overgrown."

It came back to her when she was sat in the room backstage the following Thursday. As if it had all been unclear and confusing and now alone and claustrophobic and breathing far too loud and far too hard Wendy realised at last what had been holding it all together. It had been Joohyun. This experiment of hers had not worked the way she wished it would. Lying to Joohyun. Telling her the next performance was the week after at Lost Village in Namyangju. This bar had been off the records. Even Seulgi had been kept in the dark.

She sat leaning against the table and counting the flecks of paint in the chipped woodwork as if it might calm her in some way but it did not. It only served to remind her the walls were closing in and her heart was beating far too fast and her head hurt and the room was spinning. She’d brought a shoppingbag with her. This she had hidden from the promoters, not that they had asked at all. Her phone read 7:46 and she was set to perform at eight. So without another thought she took the two bottles of soju from the bag and twisted the cap off the first and drank it down as fast as she could.

It took a lot of effort not to throw up all over herself. The room was dancing on some torrid axis and it pained her to even breathe. Sat almost weeping at how useless she was. The most frustrating part of it every time without fail was how cyclical it was. How there could be no changing it no matter what she tried or how hard. It seemed to stem from nothing at all, and the only thing that could stop it even momentarily was Joohyun. And Joohyun wasn’t there. Joohyun was still at Coffee King. Joohyun would go home under the impression Wendy was with Seulgi. As she tried to resolve the tempest within herself Wendy thought about what a terrible and harmful plan that had been and still was.

Five minutes later one of the promoters knocked on the door and entered. She was a mousylooking woman about forty and she caught sight of the bottles of soju on the table and looked at Wendy and said, ‘Are you ready?’

‘Yeah,’ Wendy said, trying to hide the edge in her voice. ‘I will be in a minute.’

‘The stage is all set up whenever you’re ready.’

‘Thanks.’

When she was alone she unscrewed the cap on the second bottle and fought half of it down in two mouthfuls and set it back on the table. It felt strange to walk. Not yet fully drunk but not quite sober and smelling of soju and trembling like something risen from a thousand-year sleep. As if she had not quite grasped the basics of momentum properly. It took her three minutes to fumble with the guitar case and bring out her nylonstring guitar because she was shaking so much, and not with the soju.

The lights in the hallway were far too bright. Even brighter were the lights on the stage. She sat at the head of the room on a small stool and adjusted the microphone and set the guitar in her lap. Her heart was racing like caged electric. They sat observing her mutely, an animal in a zoo. Or so she thought, but the barrier between the truth and her warped version of it was thin enough to barely exist at all. She closed her eyes and counted out ten breaths and tried to stop her lips from trembling and opened her eyes again long enough to gaze out at the darkened forms of the crowd and think:

I wish Joohyun were here. I wish I didn’t lie to her.

Then she began to play. She never looked at anyone. Imagining for herself some other world where the lyrics she sang and the songs she played were part of some greater collective thing she was host to, envisioning herself in the struggles of each of them. The first four songs were in Korean. The fifth was an English Motown song she’d turned into her own acoustic gig. Then she played three of her own songs without ever having the confidence to open and tell the audience they were hers. The final song she played was a slow guitar ballad in English. She managed to hold it together through the first verse. It went:

Dark clouds gather ‘round me,

Due northwest, my soul is bound,

And I will go on ahead free,

There’s a light yet to be found

She strummed out the chorus and let the refrain play, lyricless and trying in vain to stop the tears from falling. By the time she started the second verse she could barely sing at all:

And I ask for no redemption

In this cold and barren place,

Still I see a faint reflection,

So by it, I got my way

The last pale light in the west,

The last pale light in the west.

After the final note had been played she bit her lip hard enough to draw blood and moved her hand off the strings and opened her eyes and bowed low enough to the crowd so that they couldn’t see if she was still crying or not but she was. She waited for the applause. Only then did she stand up and grab the guitar by the neck and bow again and step back and almost stumble over the stool.

Maybe the crowd thought she was crying at the lyrics to her final song. Maybe not. Whatever the reason she didn’t bother attempting to parse the truth from it. Even the walk to the backroom felt like an arduous task. She pushed the door to and set the guitar down idly in the case and sat at the desk and drank off the rest of the second bottle of soju.

Two minutes later the woman from before entered without knocking. She looked at Wendy and said, ‘Are you alright?’

Wendy wiped her eyes. ‘I’m fine,’ she said. ‘Sorry. I just got a bit emotional at the song.’

‘Well. Okay.’

‘Sorry.’

‘Do you want a drink or anything?’

Wendy shook her head and sniffled. The woman took one longer look at her and smiled and thanked her for performing and went on out. When she was fully gone Wendy allowed herself to cry again. It hurt so much to even move and her head felt light. She lay her forehead against the corner of the desk and studied the floor and tried to count her breaths out as slow as possible. That always helped when nothing else did. She balled her hands without even realising it. Seulgi was a phone call away but Seulgi was a crutch and how much longer could, or should, she rely on Seulgi? How much longer would Seulgi tolerate it? A year? Ten? Forever?

The truth was Wendy didn’t think on it long enough to truly care. She balled her hands tight enough that her thumbnails scratched her palms and her lip was still bleeding from where she’d bitten into it.

It took a long time for her to sober up enough to leave. The last thought that went through her head before she stepped out into the dark was:

How am I going to perform at a festival? How could I ever do that?

She was stuck in the back room washing porcelain in the sink when she heard Yeri talking to someone out front. At first she thought it was a customer. Then she realised she recognised the voice. Jennie stood leaning against the counter and laughing at something Joohyun couldn’t hear. When she saw Joohyun come through from the back she smiled at her and said, ‘Long time no see.’

‘Yeah. Sorry about what happened the other week. Or month. Whenever it was. I can’t even remember.’

Jennie made a little dismissive sign with her hand. ‘I was pretty wasted,’ she said. ‘You should totally come round again, though. Sometime soon.’

‘You hosting another party or something?’

‘Maybe. We’ll see. What’ve you been up to?’

‘Not much,’ Joohyun said. She glanced at Yeri but Yeri was busy pouring coffee and sorting out the plates to the side.

‘Same. Boring old life. I feel like I’ve done literally nothing in the past six months. How’s the writing coming along?’

‘Okay,’ she lied. In truth she didn’t know how it was coming along at all.

Jennie nodded at nothing. She turned to Yeri and said, ‘So yeah, before I forget – I’ll be late on the Friday. Like, midday instead of ten AM.’

‘What?’ Yeri said. ‘Why?’

‘Because the only way the office would let me have the day off is if I did a couple hours work from home on the Friday morning to make up for it, seeing as it’s short notice.’

Joohyun stood closer to the counter. The store was empty save for Jennie and the world without looked much the same. ‘What’s going on?’ she said. ‘What’s happening on Friday?’

‘Not this Friday. Next Friday.’

‘Well what’s happening next Friday, then?’

‘We’re going to a festival.’

‘Wait. What?’

Jennie shrugged.

‘Lost Village?’

‘Yeah? How’d you know?’

‘I’m going as well.’

Yeri turned to her. The surprise on her face was almost comical. ‘What?’ she said. ‘What do you mean you’re going to Lost Village?’

‘Well, I am.’

‘With who?’

‘Just myself,’ Joohyun said, voice noticeably quieter. ‘I’m going to see someone perform there. A friend of mine.’

‘Why didn’t you tell me you were going?’

‘Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘I thought you’d say no. I know festivals aren’t your sort of thing. Too loud.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Well.’ Yeri set the pot of coffee back to boil afresh. ‘You’re coming with us, then. That’s sorted.’

‘Oh, yeah,’ Jennie said. ‘It’ll be so much fun.’

‘I can’t,’ said Joohyun.

‘What? Why?’

‘I’m only going on Saturday. Only for the day.’

‘Are you kidding? Why? It’s practically cheaper to just get a whole weekend ticket. Well, it’s better value at least.’

‘I’m only going for a friend, like I said. She’s performing.’

‘Serious?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Which stage?’

‘The Hidden Forest. Saturday afternoon.’

‘What’s her name?’

‘Seungwan.’

‘Never heard of her.’

‘I meant Wendy. Wendy is her name.’

Jennie just glanced at her. They looked at Yeri and Yeri was grinning a sly grin. ‘I see,’ she said. ‘So that’s why you kept it a secret from me.’

‘I wasn’t keeping it a secret.’

‘Uh huh.’

‘What have I missed?’ Jennie said.

‘Nothing,’ said Joohyun. ‘Ignore her. I was just invited along.’

‘So you’re going on Saturday? Just for the day.’

‘Yeah.’

‘When did you decide you were going, then? Tickets sold out ages ago.’

‘Oh, a while back,’ Joohyun lied. What she neglected to tell them was that they were very much correct – tickets had sold out months in advance. She still had yet to find herself one. Browsing third-party sites for the cheapest she could find and coming up with a handful for obscene prices. Even the well of Facebook resellers had run dry. And she was yet to tell Seungwan.

‘Well at least we’ll see you there,’ Jennie said idly.

Yeri passed her a cup of coffee over the counter and wiped her hands on her apron. ‘Yeah,’ she said. ‘And don’t try and wiggle your way out of it or avoid us or anything. We’re gonna have so much fun, even if it is only for one day.’

‘Whatever,’ Joohyun said.

‘That’s the spirit. God, I can’t wait. You should’ve told us you were coming. Honestly.’

‘I didn’t know until recently.’

‘You just said you’d be planning it for a while.’

‘Oh, I meant I was, but I didn’t, like…know know. You know? Whatever.’

Jennie and Yeri looked at each other.

‘I’ll see you there,’ Joohyun said, mind elsewhere. When Jennie had said goodbye and Yeri was busy with customers she disappeared into the backroom and pulled out her phone and checked again. There were three tickets still available. A normal weekend ticket would have cost her eighty thousand won. The cheapest of the resold tickets was three times that. For a while she just stood there staring at it. As if the price might suddenly drop. But it did not. It remained at the cost of half her paycheck for an entire month. Four weeks of rice and pot noodles. Back to student subsistence.

But then she thought of Seungwan’s voice and Seungwan up on that stage and Seungwan with her guitar and just Seungwan in general and without any more hesitation she bought the ticket and stuffed her phone in her pocket and tried to fight back the welling excitement in her stomach and failed spectacularly.

She was smiling for most of the train journey and then for a good majority of the cab to the venue after. The cab dropped her off in an enormous parkinglot in the middle of nowhere and left her there. For a while she stood and waited. It was a warm morning and the sun lay chalky and distant at the edge of the sky and here and there cabs came and dropped people off at what appeared to be the last port of human life and disappeared. Five minutes later she caught sight of Jennie and Yeri coming from the far side of the parkinglot and waved to them and they waved back. If either of them noticed what she was wearing they never mentioned it.

Yeri wore a pink croptop and matching pink shorts and she had a floral shawl draped over her shoulders and an enormous pair of bumblebee sunglasses that swallowed up her whole face. Jennie wore a strange peablue raincoat and the left side of her face was decorated in red facepaint and silver sequins.

‘Well,’ Yeri said.

‘Well.’

‘Good morning.’

‘You too.’ Then she said to Jennie, ‘Nice coat.’

‘Thanks,’ Jennie said with a smile. ‘I got it in there. Figured it’d protect me from the alcohol, you know?’

‘Not really. But sure. Where is it?’

Yeri pointed behind them. A long and wide line of trees dotted the edge of the parkinglot and people vanished up the trail in a long line like attendants at some spring pilgrimage. ‘It’s, like, a mile that way,’ Yeri said. ‘Through the trees up there. Then you get to the venue.’

‘We should hurry up before the crowd gets too packed,’ Jennie said. ‘They say you’re only allowed out three times all weekend, before they stop letting you back in.’

‘Where did you sleep?’

‘In there. There’s a camping area.’

‘You camped out?’

‘What else would we do?’

Joohyun thought about this for a moment. Then she said, ‘Fair point. How was yesterday?’

‘Amazing. I can’t remember any of it.’

‘Nice.’

‘Come on,’ Yeri said.

They trailed the queue up out of the parkinglot and down a narrow road that seemed to lead into the forest itself. It felt like somewhere out of the way of all civilisation. Already they could hear faintly a trembling bass and there were empty cups littered along the side of the path and it smelt like alcohol and fresh air. People were dressed in outfits Joohyun had never seen before. Sequined croptops and miniskirts fashioned to look exotic and sparkly glasses and facepaint and fishnets everywhere. Guys in shirts that made them look like characters from Miami Vice. And Joohyun in a polo shirt and jeans. ‘I feel a bit out of place,’ she said.

Yeri looked at her. She dropped her sunglasses to the bridge of her nose and giggled and said, ‘You’re too conservative. That’s your problem.’

‘Aren’t you warm?’ Jennie asked.

Joohyun just shrugged. The path seemed to extend forever. Winding down this narrow road where progressively the cover of the trees swallowed up the light and all trace of the sun was lost and the music swelled and so did Joohyun’s rapid beating heart. She checked her phone. The last message from Seungwan had been more than an hour ago. It told her she’d be on at 4PM on the Hidden Forest stage but Joohyun knew already because she’d studied the setlist extensively beforehand. As if on cue Yeri said, ‘What time is Wendy performing?’

‘At four.’

‘Hidden Forest, yeah?’

Joohyun nodded.

‘It’s okay,’ Yeri said. ‘Not the best. But it’s cool if you wanna chill out. Or, it was yesterday at least.’

‘I’m only staying for her.’

‘No you’re not. Don’t be a funsucker. You’re here for the whole day, so we’re gonna enjoy the whole day.’

‘She’s right,’ Jennie said. Joohyun ignored them. It was fifteen minutes until they came to the queue and a further half an hour before they scanned in her ticket and let them through. Yeri and Jennie showed her past a long line of portable toilets and burger vans and down another winding path into the heart of the forest. There was a small lake to their right beyond the trees that winked like diamondwater in the pale light of the morning. Along the forest path a trail of rainbow fairylights hung spiderwebbed from the branches in a sort of neon shower that they passed under like alcoholic baptismal candidates.

The path opened out into an enormous field. Already it was far too crowded for Joohyun’s liking. There was a vast carnival tent to the left and it was here the bass seemed to be coming from. Stalls and stands everywhere. Facepainting and nail art and sequins and whatever else. Cans and bottles. It stank of barbecued meat and onions. Yeri led them halfway through the park and stopped and pointed to their right. ‘Through there is the main stage,’ she said. ‘And beyond that is this little clearing. It’s another path. Go down there and you get to the Hidden Forest.’

‘Okay,’ Joohyun said.

Yeri pulled out her phone and squinted and said, ‘We’ve got, like, four hours before your friend is on.’

‘That’s loads of time,’ Jennie said.

‘Yeah. But I don’t think there’s anyone I really wanna see. Well, no one you’d wanna see, Joohyun.’

‘I told you,’ said Joohyun, ‘I’m only here for one person. I don’t really care about the rest.’

‘Right. That’s kinda cute, you know?’

‘What? What do you mean?’

‘Nothing. Never mind. Ignore me. C’mon, let’s go dance.’

Joohyun said nothing. There was nothing much to say. The idea of a day at a festival was daunting at best but Seungwan was there, the light at the end of the tunnel. So for the next three and a half hours she drank and danced awkwardly and uncomfortable at most everything. The music was mostly bassline and drum and bass and deep house. Yeri and Jennie seemed to be having the time of their lives. By half past three they were drunker than Joohyun had seen them in a long time. So much so that she had to stop a minute and remind herself that she too was rather drunk and the truth of this was suddenly quite amusing. She glanced down at the overpriced drink in her hand and smelt it with a grimace.

‘You okay there?’ Yeri said in amusement.

‘It’s nearly four.’

‘You wanna go see your friend?’

‘Yeah. I do. A lot.’

‘Well. After you.’

‘I don’t know the way.’

Yeri seemed to regard this for a second. Jennie was busy dancing. Yeri tapped her on the shoulder and made a motion with her hands and Jennie nodded. ‘Alright,’ Yeri said. ‘Let’s go.’

She led them through the crowd. It was so busy Joohyun had to hold onto her shoulder to stop from getting lost. The only reprieve was when they trailed off down the woodland path toward the Hidden Forest stage. Everything here seemed much quieter, more tranquil. A certain charm to it Joohyun quite liked. The stage was set in a massive clearing nestled away from the rest of the world. There was a single wide stage at the front and rainbowlights dancing across the ceiling of it and it smelt of grilled food and apple cider and people here seemed less frantic and urgent. Yeri nudged them through the crowd. If anybody cared enough to stop them they didn’t say so. She found them a narrow place at the very front of the railings and turned with a smile and said, ‘Front row seats.’

‘How do you always manage this?’

‘Manage what?’

‘To get the best place to stand.’

‘I’m good at this ,’ she said. ‘Had a lot of practice. How are you feeling?’

‘Drunk. And too warm. And out of place.’

‘Yeah. Well.’

‘Fun, though.’

‘Yeah?’

Joohyun nodded. Perhaps it was the truth. She didn’t know nor care enough to ponder on it much longer. At three minutes to four the stage dimmed and the lights slowed and the intermission music stopped. She waited. Part of her nervous for what came next. She remembered Seungwan being so very terrified of the thought of going on stage and suddenly her own hands were trembling in a sort of striking empathy.

They waited. At four minutes past four Seungwan came out on stage and smiled softly at the crowd and waved and stood by the microphone and adjusted it a slight. She was wearing a bright red bomber jacket and four silver rings and a pair of sunglasses and Joohyun knew immediately she was wearing them because she was crying. She didn’t know why she was certain of this, only that she was.

The crowd simmered a slight. Yeri had her hands on the railings. Seungwan shifted back a slight and the music began and the crowd cheered quietly as she began to sing her own songs. Standing there amid the turmoil of it all Joohyun felt like she had stepped into a strange and foreign dream. Seungwan playing these songs she herself had listened to so much in the past few weeks and the crowd reciprocating, even singing along. It was clear that Seungwan was Wendy up there. She had no stage presence and her hands were trembling on the mic stand and she refused to look at anything directly but her voice was as stunning as always and that was all that mattered. When she sang people listened. They would listen anywhere.

A fifty-minute set passed like nothing. Her last song was her EP’s title track, a breezy funkpop inspired track with a stabbing synth called Somebody Else. Joohyun sang every word with a smile. Seungwan finished and smiled gently and waved to the crowd and said thank you and left just as soon after. As if she had not been there at all. The crowd murmured among themselves. Jennie glanced at her and nudged her arm and said, ‘She’s your friend? Wendy?’

‘Yeah. Why?’

‘She’s got a ing great voice. Jesus, those vocals.’

‘I know.’

‘Is she really your friend?’

‘Yeah,’ Joohyun said.

‘You wanna introduce us?’

‘I’ll text her and see.’

It was twenty minutes later, stood by the back of the crowd with Yeri and Jennie, that her phone hummed with a response. It said simply:

Come to the left side and tell them your name, they’ll let you in 😊

‘Hey,’ she said.

‘What?’

She held her phone up to Yeri and Yeri nodded and gave her a thumbs up. The crowd had swelled for the next act. It was a male-female indie pop duo singing in English and Joohyun quite liked the sound of the first song but she wasn’t much paying attention. They found the barricade to the left front of the stage and the guard looked at her and said, ‘You can’t come through here.’

‘My name’s Joohyun. I’m here for Wendy.’

She showed him the text and he read it twice and nodded and let them through the railing and down the side of the elaborate stage setup. Behind the stage were a number of trailers and caravans and small desks with people sat around wearing VIP badges and staff passes. They found Wendy sat on a chair outside one of the caravans near the rear of the clearing and Joohyun waved her over. She was still wearing her sunglasses.

‘Hey,’ Joohyun said.

She smiled at them. ‘Hi. Thanks for coming. Really.’

‘I told you I would.’

Wendy glanced at the others as if waiting for something. ‘Oh,’ said Joohyun. ‘Yeah. Right. Yeri, Jennie, this is Wendy. Wendy, this is Yeri and Jennie.’

‘Hi.’

‘Your voice is amazing,’ Jennie said.

‘Thanks.’

‘You’re so talented.’

‘Thank you.’

For a while they just stood there. As if all unsure of how to proceed. All four of them were drunk but only Wendy was good about hiding it. It had become a talent of hers to pretend she was sober, because alcohol had become as much of a crutch off the stage as it was an aid on it. Joohyun ran a hand through her hair and smiled nervously and said, ‘Did you want to come with us? Maybe grab a drink or something. Go see some of the other acts.’

‘I’ve got stuff to do here.’

‘Yeah?’

‘They said I’ve got to stay until the end,’ Wendy lied.

‘Well. Okay then.’

‘Thanks for coming. I’ll text you in a bit? Or see you some other time.’

‘Sure,’ Joohyun said with a forced smile.

‘It was nice meeting you both.’

‘You too,’ Jennie said. Yeri concurred. She watched them go, back out into the crowd, out of sight. When they were gone she sat on the chair and held her head in her hands and tried not to cry.