Chaewon clicked the door open, and as she stepped inside, Sooyoung sniffed and cleared her eyes.  

“Sooyoung? Are you okay?”  

“H-Hey, Chaewonie. Yeah, I’m fine, I just got emotional with the movie.”  

Chaewon looked at the TV, but some cooking show was playing instead. She sighed and sat next to her, resting a hand on her leg. “Is this about Jiwoo?”  

Sooyoung dropped her head. “It’s not about Jiwoo, we’re fine.”  

“Then, what is it? You can talk to me. It’s Jungeun, right?”  

Sooyoung let out an ugly sob, nodding. Chaewon pulled her to her chest, hugging her tight.  

“Jiwoo guarantees it’s nothing about me, and that Jungeun's making an effort, but I don’t see it! I don’t understand why she doesn’t talk to me, barely even looks at me, does she hate me that much?”  

With each word, Sooyoung squeezed Chaewon harder, gripping on her jacket.  

“Jungeun doesn’t hate you.”  

“Then why?”  

“Have you spoken to her? Asked her about her feelings?”  

“Jiwoo told me she’s been trying to figure them out herself.” Sooyoung pulled away, clearing her eyes once more. “Jungeun is complicated. I bet she doesn’t quite know herself. But do you know what’s the worst in all of this? Whenever something happens, Jiwoo is the one suffering, because it always ends up being her solving our messes. And I hate myself for that.”  

“And I’m sure Jungeun also doesn’t want that to happen, right? Look, I don’t understand what’s going on between you two, but I think you should talk to Jungeun.”  

“For her to tell me she’s fine like she always does? I can tell when something is off, but she doesn’t talk to me. I’ve tried, believe me. I try to understand her, I try to talk to her, but she always cuts me off. I don’t even understand how we got to this point. Everything was so good when it started, we were back at being best friends, but it seemed it all changed when I got my crisis.”  

“What crisis?” Chaewon frowned.  

“Well, I thought I would be super okay with it all the time, but I’m human too. One time I got crazy insecure and took it out on both of them.”  

“Maybe she’s scared that it happens again so she’s walking on eggshells.”  

“Well, it has happened! Because she’s acting this way!” More tears ran down Sooyoung’s eyes.  “Jiwoo and I even fought because of this. I’m afraid she’ll get tired of my if I don’t stop being jealous for no reason. I swear I’m trying, but it makes me even more anxious to know that every single time I falter I could make everything worse.”  

“It sounds exactly like something Jungeun could feel herself, don’t you think? Maybe she also thought she would be super okay with it like you said.” Chaewon grabbed her hand. “And remember your own words. If Jiwoo is fighting for this, it’s because she wants to be with you.”  

Sooyoung looked at her and showed the smallest of smiles.  

“I think you’re projecting it on Jiwoo, when your problem is with Jungeun. Why do you get jealous?” 

“Sometimes it seems Jiwoo reacts differently to her. Or that she’s actually tired of me.”  

“Did you feel like that when you and Jungeun were good?”  

“No.”  

“Then you see how it isn’t about Jiwoo? You miss Jungeun, don’t you? And it upsets you that she found a friend in Jiwoo and left you behind.”  

And it seemed Chaewon touched right on her wound, because Sooyoung sobbed again. “I miss her, despite everything. I just wanted things to go back to normal, but I get so anxious, I’ll pick at anything to prove my point that she doesn’t talk to me and doesn’t care, and every time we’re together, happens because I get anxious again. It’s like I’m not allowed to feel anything, she’ll assume it was her, so she prefers to stay away not to make anything worse.”  

“It could be that you’re projecting your fears about Jiwoo on each other. Say, you feel like she might have found someone more exciting for her than yourself and that she’s grown tired of you. Maybe Jungeun feels threatened by the solidity of your relationship with Jiwoo, like she means less to her than you do. Or something like that.”  

“Then why would she take it out on me?”  

“Why would you take it out on her?”  

Sooyoung pursed her lips and looked down. “There’s no reason for any of us to be feeling like that. And on my part, I know that and it makes me that much more frustrated.”  

“It seems that you really have to work things out between the two of you. It’s like you don’t trust each other anymore. Each of you thinks the other is out to keep Jiwoo for herself, and although I don’t understand how that feels myself, it doesn’t seem like it’s Jiwoo’s intention at all to choose a side. You’re both acting like she’s eventually going to do that, and if you keep at it, she might end up choosing to walk away from both of you.”  

“Do you think she’ll do that?” Sooyoung grabbed her by the arms, panicked look on her face.  

“Hey, I’m not saying this to make you even more insecure. What I’m trying to say is that you’re so absorbed in fighting each other for Jiwoo, that you’re forgetting to consider how Jiwoo feels at all, and I bet she doesn’t feel that comfortable either. I never thought I’d see someone as upbeat as Jiwoo so down as I saw her the other night at the table. She’s suffering a lot too.”  

“This is ridiculous.” Sooyoung scoffed. “I don’t want to lose Jiwoo over this. I love her so much.”  

“And it’s clear that she loves both of you very much. But you told me once that love alone doesn’t sustain relationships. It takes real effort. And it can become really exhausting if that effort is one-sided and, in the end, unfruitful.”  

“Then Jungeun needs to really make an effort. I don’t see it.”  

“Yes, she does. And you need to keep at it too. I know things will be okay because the three of you love each other, each in their own way. There’s no need for this to happen.” Chaewon patted Sooyoung’s back.  

“Thank you so much, Chaewonie. I say it again, you’re going to make a great therapist.”  

Chaewon showed a big ear to ear grin, as she pulled Sooyoung into a hug. Helping people filled her heart with pride and happiness, and at least for those minutes, she could forget about Hyejoo and the fact that she still hadn’t told her about anything. 

--- 

Maybe Chaewon should confront Hyejoo with the truth. If she always vouched for honesty, then pretending not to know as to test Hyejoo would make her a hypocrite.  

But wasn’t Hyejoo lying to her too? No, perhaps she was waiting for the right time to tell her and Chaewon had promised herself she wouldn’t jump to judgments so fast. But if that was the case, would it really hurt to confront Hyejoo? Would she be mad? Think that she’d been spying on her?  

Chaewon stopped trying to convince herself she was assimilating any word in her textbook and slammed it shut.  

Paying Hyejoo a surprise visit wasn’t a bad idea. To see how she was doing, if she needed some company or help with anything, or to spend some time with her girlfriend. It had nothing to do with the chance of catching Hyejoo red-handed so she could confront her with it and not have to bring up her accidental eavesdropping at all.  

Chaewon halted midway down the road to Hyejoo’s house. What did she think she was going to achieve with this? Was it worth it to be so distrustful and force an argument instead of letting things flow?  

Yes, yes it was. Chaewon needed to get that off of her mind once and for all so she could focus on studying again, something she had been utterly failing at since the incident.  

When Hyejoo opened the door with that gummy smile of hers, Chaewon didn’t know if she felt more relaxed or even worse about possibly taking that away.  

Without saying anything, Hyejoo pulled Chaewon inside, closed the door, and embraced her, kissing her forehead. Chaewon let her body mold against Hyejoo’s, forgetting for a brief moment the reason that brought her there.  

“Is everything okay?” Hyejoo pulled away, cupping her cheeks.  

“Yes, I thought I could pay you a visit, see how you’re doing.”  

Hyejoo pinched her cheeks and guided Chaewon to the couch, sitting together. “I was studying, I have a test soon.”  

Chaewon looked at the mess of books and papers scattered all around the coffee table, then at Hyejoo. At the dark circles under her eyes, at the lingering smile on her lips.  

“Have you been sleeping well?”  

“Trying. But don’t worry, I’m fine.”  

Chaewon wanted to believe it, but she couldn’t. It was best if she went straight to the point instead of beating around the bush.  

“Actually, I came here to talk about something, Hyejoo.”  

Hyejoo’s body tensed up. Chaewon knew how much of a trigger that was, but she didn’t have time to prepare herself, or to even think about how to bring it up, or what to ask, or-  

“It’s about Jiwoo and all.” Chaewon blurted.  

Hyejoo released the breath she was holding. “Is it bothering you again?”  

“No, it’s not that. Did Jungeun tell you something? What she might be feeling, or talked with you about something?”  

“No, not really. She doesn’t talk much about that, and I don’t ask either. As long as they’re okay, I’m okay. I think it’s a good sign that she’s not bringing anything up.”  

“Actually, no. I don’t think things are going that great.”  

Hyejoo frowned. “Really?”  

“It’s not about Jiwoo, it’s between Jungeun and Sooyoung. You didn’t notice how they barely talk to each other once again?”  

“Maybe? What happened?”  

“The other day I arrived at the dorm and Sooyoung was crying and we talked but I still don't understand it fully. Sooyoung said I was really helpful, but I have to admit I had no idea what I was doing or what I should say. I never went through something like that.”  

There was silence as Hyejoo nodded. “I’ll talk to Jungeun to see if I can get anything from her.”  

“No, it’s okay. I was just worried and wanted to let this out. They’re great people, I just want them to be happy. But it all seems so hard to manage, it pained me a lot to see Sooyoung suffering. I don’t want her relationship with Jiwoo to suffer because of this. They’ve been together for so long...”  

“It won’t. And remember, this was all their choice, no one was forced to do anything.”  

“I know.” Chaewon nodded, looking down at her hand intertwined with Hyejoo’s. “Personally, I don’t think I would be capable of that.”  

“Why?”  

“Why?” Chaewon repeated, meeting her eyes. “Because... I don’t know, I-”  

“That’s a bit offensive. You shouldn’t say that in front of them. Or at all.”  

Chaewon’s eyebrows rose on her forehead. “What?”  

“It’s judgmental. It kind of sends a message that you think it’s wrong and immoral, so you wouldn’t do it yourself.”  

“I-I didn’t mean it like that, I’m not judging.”  

“Then what did you mean?”  

“Like I said, it seems hard to manage. It looks like it’s putting a lot of strain on all of them and I don’t know if I would be up to that, personally.” Chaewon frowned. “But why are you even that upset?”  

“You know I hate to see people get judged. I don’t like it myself and I don’t like it when it’s about my friends.”  

Chaewon blinked. “They’re my friends too. And I already said I wasn’t judging, but you didn’t listen.” 

“I did listen, but I’m not following.”  

“Well, imagine one day I came up to you and told you I loved someone else too. Would you be fine with it and be able to do all that emotional labor?”  

“Yes, why not? As long as you still loved me the same, yes, I don’t see any harm in that. I’d never thought of it before I saw them but it’s clear to me that it’s possible. It doesn’t really look like Jiwoo loves Sooyoung any less because of Jungeun. So what you’re saying is that you wouldn’t give me the same kind of understanding if it was me?” Hyejoo scoffed.  

Chaewon’s chin dropped.  

“That’s not what I'm saying. Of course, I would try to understand, but right now I don’t think I could.” Chaewon narrowed her eyes. “Wait, why are you so defensive about this? Is there something I should know about?”  

“For ’s sake, no, Gowon. I’m trying to make a point here, and you totally missed it.”  

“Well, then I’m sorry if I can’t give you such an immediate answer. It’s not as easy as you think it is-” 

“How do you know? Didn’t you just say that only who goes through it can really know?”  

“I’m seeing how it’s affecting Sooyoung and Jiwoo and Jungeun!”  

“It doesn’t mean it has to be that way for everyone!”  

“Why are we even arguing over this if none of us is even in that situation, then? Didn’t you just say it only concerns them?”  

“It’s not about us, it’s about you being judgmental again when you said you’d try not to,” Hyejoo yelled.  

“Oh, yeah? Look who said she’d be honest with me and is now smoking weed again behind my back.” Chaewon crossed her arms.  

Time stopped. The air felt impossible to breathe.  

“How... D-Did you go through my phone?” Hyejoo asked, a vein popping out on her temple.  

“No, I accidentally overheard when you asked Jungeun to get some for you the other day.”  

Hyejoo shot up from the couch, turning her back at Chaewon. “So I’m the only one who has to be honest? You can go sneaking up on people’s conversations and keep that to yourself so you can use it against me when you please?”  

“Excuse me?!” Chaewon stood up, but Hyejoo didn’t flinch. “Weren’t you the one who lied in the first place? Is it so wrong to wait for you to be honest with me? What, so you’re telling me that I can’t wait for you to tell me the truth, but I can’t confront you with what I heard either? What was I supposed to do, then?”  

Hyejoo turned back to meet her eyes, her brows furrowed so hard they could crease her forehead. “You were supposed to not test me and to not judge me for smoking in the first place.”  

Chaewon opened to retaliate, but took a second to breathe.  

“This isn’t you, Hyejoo. I know what this is.” Chaewon balled her fists. “You're taking those shady pills again as well, aren’t you?”  

Hyejoo looked away, the truth piercing every inch of Chaewon’s skin.  

“Why?” Chaewon took a step closer. “Do you think whatever reason you have to be doing this is worth risking your health and your relationships?”  

“Stop!” Hyejoo cried, head down. “I had to, there was no other way!”  

“Other way to what? Hyejoo, I deserve your honesty at least this once. What else are you hiding?”  

“My father found out about us!”  

Words that hurt more than a punch to the face, making Chaewon take a step back, fighting her own lungs to take a breath.  

“W-What? How?”  

“Our trip to New York. I thought it would be okay, but he noticed the money I spent and confronted me. I denied, but he knows.”  

“How could you leave me out of this?”  

“I was afraid, I didn’t want to worry you, I thought it was for the best to keep it to myself and I could handle it on my own without bringing you into this-”  

“For the best? What does any of us gain from you hiding it? Look where it’s gotten you!”  

“Do you have any ing idea of the position I was in? If it was you, would you tell me, knowing how that could affect us or knowing how worried I would be?”  

“Yes! Yes, because we promised each other to always be honest, and because I would like to know I could rely on you to help me go through it and solve the situation.”  

“Solve what? There’s no solving dear old dad. He’s on my tail for dating a girl again. Imagine what would happen if I also blew my grades this semester.” Hyejoo pretended to think for a moment. “Wait! I don’t have to imagine because I get texts every single day telling me exactly what will happen. Do you have any idea what that’s like?”  

“You’re right, I don’t. But if you had let me help, maybe we could have found better coping strategies than straight out numbing yourself into focus.”  

Hyejoo scoffed. “No fancy coping strategies or whatever pretentious you want to call them can save me. I can’t be sitting on my talking about my feelings hoping it somehow becomes easier. My exams won’t wait for me to learn how to deal with my any other way, and I wasn’t about to risk being beaten to the point of ending up in a hospital. So what, this crap’s messed up alright? It’s either maybe ending up in a hospital with a bad ing trip, or with a couple broken bones. I’ll take the first one any day, thank you very much.”  

“Are you even listening to yourself? Did you even take a moment to consider how this would affect not only you, but people around you who love you, care for you, and want to see you at your best?” 

“Ah, of course, you’re making this about you. That’s more important than what I’m going through.”  

“Are you serious?!” Chaewon brought her hands to her head and let out a loud huff. “I’ve been exhausted to a point of sleeping in classes and getting lectures from my professors, my grades are taking a hit and I’m risking my scholarship. I thought it was all worth it and I could bounce back from it because I was making a difference.” Chaewon took another step back, feeling her eyes warmer at each second.  

“Oh, yes, go on about how that’s also all my fault as if you haven’t given me enough of a scold--”  

“That’s ing enough!”  

Hyejoo’s eyes went huge. Chaewon herself was shocked for a second. “I’m sorry you’ve been going through that, but there’s nothing more I can do. I did everything I could for you, but I can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped.” Chaewon grabbed her bag and turned towards the door, fighting her tears harder.  

“W-Wait, Gowon.”  

A hand grabbed Chaewon’s, making her stop. “You hide things from me, lie to me over and over again, and I really thought that you’d changed for good. On top of that, I came here only to hear that nothing I ever did made a difference and you’re still convinced you’re doing the right thing.” Chaewon released her hand from Hyejoo’s grasp and looked at her one last time. At the face of the person she loved so much, but hurt her even more. “I can't be the only one making an effort anymore, Hyejoo. I just can’t. I hope you find peace, but I can’t take part in leading you to it.”  

And without giving her heart time to feel weak, she opened the door and left, giving up on fighting the tears that let loose the second the door closed behind her. 

---

A/N: Gowon said a bad word! o: