—April 2019—

Chang-wook sat on his bunk with Ji-hyun’s last present in his hands. It was a book of poetry. There had been all kinds of poems, some linked to the Korean landscape, others were simple reflections on everyday life, but the ones he cherished most were the love poems. These were the only ones with any notes. There were little stars by a couple of them and occasionally she had circled a word or written ‘happy’, ‘silly’, or ‘pretty in the margins. It was two weeks since their phone call and he had only now just heard from her. Just a brief text:

Are you ok, Orabeoni? Don’t worry. I know you did nothing wrong. The news was hard for you. I thought you would be upset so I called. I was upset too that people were saying those things. There was no time to talk because of my schedule. Stay healthy and I want to see you soon. I miss you. Jiji misses her orabeoni.

Her message was from heaven. It was also the first time she had called herself by his pet name for her. 

—

The day of his discharge and the first non-standard question was about Nam Ji-hyun-sshi. He couldn’t believe it. Chi-gu had been given a list of possible questions and her name had never appeared. He had prepared a list of the girl groups he had listened to, even questions about the musical. He just about managed to get through it without calling her Jiji, Ji-hyun-ah, or—and this would have spelt disaster—jagiya. When it had finished he was bundled into the van and driven straight home where his mother was waiting for him with a large meal laid out on the table.

‘Eomma,’ He pulled her into a hug. He had seen her several times in the last 20 months, he’d tasted her cooking, gone on two short trips with her, but nothing compared to knowing he didn’t have to be back at the base tomorrow or the next or the day after that. Any chance of a personal break was sidelined. The company had arranged for his fan meeting and then he was flying to, he couldn’t remember how many places. But there were interviews, photoshoots, CFs to take care of because his company were determined to capitalise on all of his post-discharge publicity. They were announcing that he had chosen “Come Melt with Me” in a couple of days. But he was determined to find time to spend with Ji-hyun during all of it. 

“Dinner?” he asked her during a late-night phone call.

“Yes! I have exams and I know how busy your schedule is…”

“We will make it work.”

They ended up having to meet on April 30th for breakfast.

“Come to the Garden Place,” He texted. “My entry code is 8795.”

He arrived early. Because it was 11am there were no other celebrities or anyone else on the Seoul socialite circuit. He had grabbed an iced Americano for himself. He wanted to get her a drink as well but his fans were watching his every move so he had to settle for bringing some sandwiches made by his mother. When Ji-hyun arrived, he jumped up to greet her.

“I brought you an iced Americano,” she held up her little drinks carry case. “And for me iced milk tea! And some cakes.”

“I brought sandwiches from my Eomma. And you didn’t… I am sorry I didn’t get your drink.”

“Oppa. I’m not stupid. I know how difficult all of this is for you. I keep seeing articles saying how much everyone is glad you are back. I’m glad you are healthy and smiling.”

“I missed you,” they said it at the same moment. She took the final steps towards him and just rested her body against his. They stood like that for a moment. It wasn’t a hug or a kiss. He decided it was more like one phone charging another.

“You give me energy. You are my personal battery,” she said. He looked down and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead.

“I was thinking the same thing.”

“Here. Before it melts,” She gave him his drink. They walked over to the little bench that faced Gangnam’s impressive skyline. She ate the sandwiches his mother had made for her. He remembered his mother asking him,“Wook-i, what does she like? How can I know what to make when I don’t know what she likes?”. He had assured her that Ji-hyun would love whatever she made and, of course, she did. He sipped the Americano she had bought. It was much better than his, and he impulsively took a photograph of it and posted it on instagram with a vague reference to his new drama.

“Oh, I am so glad you are doing the roco.”

“Really… even though…”

“Of course! It looks so exciting.”

He was a little surprised that she was so pleased with his choice. He was going to kiss his female co-star. He had not been jealous of her kisses in “100 Days My Prince” because she hadn’t kissed her costar like she had kissed him. But he worried that she would feel differently. They didn’t talk about it further. Chang-wook and Ji-hyun had more important things to discuss. His schedule was going to be a huge barrier in the next few months and she was finishing up school. She worried that meeting up with him except in extreme secrecy would be difficult for them. He agreed.

“So let’s spend this time well,” she said as she rested her head on his shoulder.

“In August let’s go to Busan.”

“Aish. Only if you make a reservation.”

“Promise,” and he hooked his piny with hers and sealed the bargain. He wanted to seal it with a kiss but she stopped him. It would be too dangerous if someone walked in, and while The Garden Place was one of the hardest member’s clubs to get into you never knew when someone might walk out onto the terrace. At that moment his phone buzzed. It was Chi-gu. They needed to get to the studio to prepare for his fanmeet.

“Do you…”

“I can’t go Oppa… I know. But I can’t go.”

—May 2019—

Chang-wook couldn’t keep track of the next couple of weeks. What was worse ws that his schedule left no time for him to see Ji-hyun and replying to her messages became increasingly difficult. He had the time to say “yes” or “no” but nothing more. There was just too much going on. When he had the opportunity he would send her pictures of the beautiful locations he was filming in Japan or the food he ate or any other little mundane thing that he thought might interest her. She too was busy.

“Our timing is bad,” she wrote one night.

What else could he do but agree?

—June 2019—

On the 3rd of June Ji-hyun called Chang-wook. Was he free? Dinner? A date? Yes. See you tonight.

She spent most of the afternoon staring at her reflection before beginning what seemed like the impossible task of getting ready. What to wear on their first dinner date? 

She flicked through her wardrobe discarding the chunky sweaters and baggy jeans. She contemplated asking her Eonnie. Ultimately she decided against it in favour of an hour online searching for tips on what to wear for a date. 

‘Blue? or Green?’ 

She wondered what he would wear. If she knew she could pick something similar to let him know, however subtly, that she saw them together as a couple. Or at least somewhere near to becoming a couple. Finally she picked an asymmetric grey tulip skirt and a loose white t-shirt that was almost sheer so that she had to layer a pretty camisole underneath. Comfy and very fashionable orange trainers finished off her look. And of course her necklace from “Suspicious Partner”.

They had chosen an exclusive restaurant just outside of Seoul. It not only had private dining rooms but also was so expensive that none of his fans would be able to get a table.

‘Oppa. I can’t believe how long it is since I saw you,’ she said when he arrived. It felt silly saying it like that but after only seeing him three times in the last twenty months getting to see him within a month of their last time together… it felt longer than all those other gaps. Even though the restaurant was exclusive they had agreed beforehand to act as professionals. So they sat across from each other, they didn’t touch, and they only talked about his work and her school.

Ji-hyun felt sentimental. It seemed that she only ever had happy memories in June. And even though she wanted to share this moment with her friends she knew she couldn’t. Instead, she posted pictures for the same date from the last two years--each their own happy memory. At the end of dinner, it frustrated her that this would be it for a while. He had all of his photoshoots and the new drama and she had school work and only a few days ago she had shot a travel vlog which the company would release in the next few weeks. She was happy to share something with her fans and hoped that soon she could share him with them as well. She wanted to tell him this, to say that even though a lot was going on for both of them, when things had quieted down they should date. No more “some” but date. However, she suddenly felt nervous and so said something very different.

“Oppa. We have a lot to talk about. I have a lot to tell you. I wish we had more time tonight. But soon. Stay healthy Oppa,” She gave him a big hug. She was so happy that she could feel little tears start to form.  They didn’t fall but he wiped them away anyway.

—

A few days later, while in Bangkok he received a phone call. It was from a friend who had seen her at a bar with a bunch of people including a guy who was her hair. There seemed to have been a lot of skinship and his friend joked that she really had grown up if she had a boyfriend now. He suddenly felt like he had been slapped. He tried to think back to their last meeting --what five days ago?-- they hadn’t kissed for fear of someone catching them but did she not kiss him for another reason. Was that why she wanted to put off a conversation about them? Because she wanted to end things but knew they both had a lot to work on. He sent her a quick message asking her to call him. 

“Oppa, I’m sorry, I can’t talk right now. Can I call you later?” she replied.

Later was almost midnight and she sounded a little drunk. 

“Oppa!!! Sorry I was with friends from school. We were celebrating exams almost being over.”

"I should let you get to sleep.”

“No Ooooopppp-pppppa!!! Orabeoni,” her voice sang across the miles and miles between them.

“You are drunk,” he laughed and immediately wished he was with her. Taking her home after a long night with her friends. All of his frustration melted away. In its place was the fierce sense of missing her

“YES! Oppa!!! I like calling you Oppa.”

"Do you call anyone else Oppa?”

“Of course! You know I do.”

“I wish you wouldn’t,” he joked.

"Stop it. I am not your girlfriend yet. Only my boyfriend can tell me not to call other people Oppa," Like her, he had been drinking too and he didn’t understand that she wanted him to ask to be her boyfriend. He got angry with himself for not picking up on the clues earlier. He wasn’t her boyfriend.

"You’re right. I’m not your boyfriend. Thank you for reminding me," and he hung up.

Ji-hyun called back but he ignored it. To let off some steam he flicked through his photos and posted one of his bike on instagram. Then he got a message from her asking why he posted such a sad picture on his instagram— The Fountain of Life, by Yoomo Nara which he’d seen in Tokyo. 

“Damn,” he swore. He had meant to post it onto his private instagram. There were only twenty people who knew it—she was one and they followed each other on their private accounts.

“Orabeoni? Is everything ok? You aren’t responding? Why?”

The next morning, Chi-gu questioned him about his foul mood.

“Why are you being like this?”

“Did something happen with Ji-hyun?”

“Just call her you miserable bastard.” 

Chang-wook couldn’t answer because he had just seen her private post—a picture of her with her close friends and that pretty-boy, idol costar. It seemed that it wasn't just anyone who had been patting her head. It was her former costar who was about to go into the military—what was this her new thing? Sending her co-stars off to the army? he thought bitterly. Unlike him, she had introduced this other… man… to her friends. She had let him into her private life. She had so diligently kept him out of her inner circle—even going out of her way to make it clear they couldn’t be seen together. It didn’t occur to Chang-wook that she wanted to keep him special, that her friends knew everything about him but that she didn’t want to risk exposing him to any malicious gossip.

Chang-wook couldn’t put his bad mood aside. It only got worse when, after a long day, a fan took a picture of him trying to eat a relaxed meal. They posted it on social media and he wanted to bang his head against the wall. Could he not have a private life anymore? Isn’t that the real reason he and Ji-hyun were always sneaking about? That night he got another message from her asking him what she did wrong. He knew that he was hurting her but then what could he do? They hadn’t seen each other since their dinner and he couldn’t just tell her that he was jealous. I want to date you, he wrote only to delete the message. Or at least get to date, he thought. 

Her company then released a message telling the world that ‘Actress Nam Ji-Hyun’ was going to be focusing on her studies and private life in the immediate future. It made him furious how little privacy they were allowed. Why did her company need to do that—couldn’t people leave her alone, why were they always needing something from her? The idea of how little privacy they had made him so angry that he threw his phone onto the hard stone floor of his apartment where it shattered into a million pieces. 

Then it struck him that by ignoring her he might have upset her so much that she had told her company she didn’t want to do any public events. If he had hurt her… that was the last thing he wanted. Chang-wook rushed to message his Jiji but his phone was broken beyond repair. He got the new phone the next day. but by the time he turned it on he saw that she has been tagged in a photo of her old cast getting together having dinner. She was sitting across from her costar with the same open smile that he knew so well. 

He could feel the jealousy again. It rose like bile in his throat. No. This isn’t fair, he thought. It was a cast dinner. He fiddled with the phone and muttered under his breath. His mother noticed how he was pacing and grabbed him to look into his eyes.

"What is bothering you. Tell Eomma.”

"I shouldn’t have gotten so involved with her." He said. She didn’t need to ask who.

"What happened?”

"She is… she… I don’t know. And I’ve not responded to any of her messages for the last week.”

"No wonder you are such a mess. Call her. RIGHT NOW."

“You are here.”

"Of course. I want to hear you apologise to that girl and then I will leave. What got into you?”

"She doesn’t want to introduce me to her friends. She goes out with her costar. He gets to be in pictures with her. When have I ever! All I ever did was hold back for her. I didn’t ask for anything from her other than… other than to wait until I could take her on dates. To have a chance with her.”

"Don’t make this about her. or him. This is about you,” She said. He could hear how angry she was. "I am always on your side my beautiful son but please remember that you two decided to stay quiet for a reason. I don’t know everything but I know that she wouldn’t have gone to that musical, she wouldn’t have called you about the scandal, she wouldn’t have had dinner… a date with you if she didn’t care."

"What if she doesn’t pick up.”

“She will.”

He dialled her number and it went to voicemail. He hung-up and looked at his mother. But his phone suddenly rang.

“Oppa. Orabeoni! Are you ok? Are you sick? I haven’t heard from you? Sorry, I was having dinner with my eonnie, I couldn’t pick up."

"I…"

"Tell me you are ok. I know something is up. Is everything ok? Is your eomma ok?"

"Yes. I am sorry that I didn’t get back to you. I…" but he couldn’t bring himself to say that he was jealous because he realised that petty jealousy was not something he wanted her to see in him. He cares but he doesn’t want her to hear how much he cares like this.

"No. Don’t worry Orabeoni… I’ve been busy too… I don’t know how to say this…" And he heard her pause. He couldn’t know that she was about to tell him that it doesn’t matter. Her Eomma and eonnie supported her decision too… she was about to tell him that she wanted to date him—openly, in secret, whatever he wanted—so she couldn’t prepare herself for what happened next.  

"I think we should be friends,” he blurted out. His mother gasped. "I am starting my new drama soon… It would be bad if…"

“Oh."

"I am sorry, Ji-hyun,” Chang-wook ended the call and then threw his day-old phone at the wall of his rented house creating a huge dent. 

“You have never disappointed me so much, Ji Chang-wook. I think I will go and stay with my friend for the next couple of nights. I’m going," and his mother stormed out of the apartment. When he heard the door slam, he slumped onto the sofa. Chi-gu showed up later with beer and pizza. His friend patiently listened as he ranted about how stupid he was to be getting jealous over a kid about to go into the army.

“You’re an ." 

"You don’t say,” Chang-wook glared at the ceiling and allowed the bright lights to blind him.

"Apologise. You owe her an apology.” 

But he didn’t know how to. What would the apology do? She wouldn’t buy it. Like a maniac, he checked her fan cafe, her SNS, anything that could let him know how she was doing. There were no updates. The only good news was that his messages were going through so he knew that she hadn’t blocked him. The last message he sent taunted him: “Let me explain. I wasn’t clear.”

Finally, she updated instagram with a photograph of her a new CF. Chang-wook looked at her face and wondered why she hadn’t told him about the photoshoot on their dates. Then he noticed her long hair. It was y and reminded him of their times together on set, in Busan, at the musical. Her smile haunted his daydreams so he went and bought a pack of cigarettes and some beer. Chang-wook wished there was a script of his life he could read. One that told him everything would be ok. That one day he wouldn’t be smoking because Ji-hyun would be sitting next to him telling him about her new project or because they had kids… He drank himself stupid that night to get rid of all his hopes and dreams.

The next morning Chi-gu dragged him to the gym to play basketball.  Chang-wook wanted to let her know that he was ok… isn't that what she was always asking? Wanting to know how he was? Making sure that her Oppa was happy. And what did he do? Go and ruin her world because he wasn’t able to say that he was jealous.

The next thing his friends tried was a bike ride to Busan. They had kept hearing him talk about wanting to go for seafood and so chose it for the “break up” ride. They didn’t know that for him Busan was for Ji-hyun and they threw each other looks when he refused to eat seafood with them. He started posting like crazy. All the pictures of the guys, anything to keep his mind off being there without her. When he ran out of Busan pictures he posted on from his trip to Bangkok and almost immediately regretted it. Bangkok was a reminder of the end of his relationship with Ji-hyun. 

His mother was worried and stood over him while she watched him eat home-cooked porridge.

“No more drinking. No more smoking. Exercise! Come home for your meals…” Her instructions followed him around as he went to work.

Instead of listening to all the good advice he was being given, Chang-wook booked a trip to Jeju. He spent his days scarpering around on his bike. It felt good to clear his head like this rather than moping in Seoul waiting for her to update. Or better yet send him a message because he still hoped that she would reach out to him. 

“Coward,” was the consensus from his friends. 

“Get over this. Either call her or move on. You’ve killed the mood,” one of them said while they sat around drinking beer and grilling fish.

It would be easier to agree with them and get up and do something if he didn’t feel so horrible. His mood was completely ruined on their last night when stylist-noona called him and told him off for not being by recently and for breaking up with Ji-hyun.

"We weren’t even together,” he complained.

"," she barked before hanging up on him.

And she couldn’t be more right about anything in the world.

END PART 1