—September 2020—

Not long after the photoshoot, Ji-hyun made a secret trip to Vietnam. She had a few days off filming and instead of relaxing at home, she felt that she needed to get away from all the chaos in Seoul. While sitting by the pool, stylist-eonnie called.

"You need to talk to him. I don’t know what it is but he is… you just disappeared after the shoot. No one—even me!—has heard from you. He isn’t listening to anyone. Chi-gu is genuinely worried about him! He is riding his bike… he is working too hard and refuses to take any breaks… I think he might listen to you though."

"I... we don’t speak regularly,” Ji-hyun said. Ever since the photoshoot both of them had been working non-stop. She was filming her new drama. It took up her time and she could barely see her family let alone check in on him. But more importantly, after the CF she wasn’t sure how she felt about her relationship with Chang-wook. Were they just colleagues? Friends? That is what she had been hoping to build on. A friendship that could maybe evolve into something more. Because she still wanted him. The photoshoot had scared her with how much she wanted him. The lyrics of Lee Juck’s song “What is Love?” still haunted her:

Do I like you

Or am I just curious?

Do I really love you?

I will you covet your body

Whenever I meet you.

Was it only lust? Or was it more? During “Suspicious Partner” she had kissed him to find out whether she was attracted to him but she needed to know if it was him—Ji Chang-wook the man and not the Korean heartthrob—that she wanted.

"Are you listening? He misses you. You must know that. He doesn’t date, just spends time recklessly riding that bike and… do you want him to be in an accident?" 

Ji-hyun knew that this was their fairy godmother’s way of guilting her into calling him. But it still took her a few days to build up the courage to send him a message. She was at home with Geobug when she finally picked up her phone. It was so random and out of the blue that she wasn’t sure he would respond. Or that if he did it would be short—a petulant reaction but entirely in character after their last few phone conversations.

"Oppa, I hope you are eating well. Take care of your health. Eonnie is worried about you,” she typed.

As soon as the message was delivered he called.

"Nam Ji-hyun. Are you telling me off because noona told you to? I don’t think we are in that kind of relationship where you can say things like that,” his voice was urgent and questioning which didn’t make sense under the circumstances.

Still, she couldn’t but get annoyed at him. Not that kind of relationship? After everything? He was going to start like that? It flipped a switch and started her off. She ranted letting all the emotions she had been trying to suppress out. She told him to stop smoking. That he shouldn’t make his mother worry. That he needed to work less and think more about the future—“You own a house and are still renting an apartment. Does money grow on trees for you?”—. She told him that he should take on projects that made him happy. She bemoaned his current film choice because, if what stylist-eonnie had said was true, she thought it would be a burden on himself and the cast and crew if he wasn’t able to pull off the comic side to the character.

"Orabeoni. No. Ji Chang-wook-sshi. You are irresponsible, aren’t you? I can’t imagine what you were thinking moving out in the winter—you hate the cold. You aren’t eating well are you because you aren’t living with your eomma. How could you just leave her like that? She must miss you. Must be missing you. People are missing you…"

"Where are you?” his question suddenly interrupted her stream of complaints.

"Home."

"Your place. Not Vietnam? You are home?" he asked.

"Yes. Why? How did you know I was in Vietnam?”

"I’m going to hang up.” 

She looked at her phone. Mentally still in the midst of her tirade, she couldn’t remember what he had wanted to know. Something about her being home. Maybe he thought she was drunk and out in public. But at home was fine—there wasn’t much havoc she could cause at home, except calling him of course. She wondered what he would have done if she was drunk and out at a bar somewhere. She was drunk in a way. She was drunk on him, because ever since the photoshoot she had kept thinking about him. The way he had caught her up in his arms. The laughing. The touching. 

"I can’t go on like this," she mumbled. She tossed her phone on her bed—putting him out of temptation’s way. Ji-hyun inspected the fridge and took out a can of beer then decided to grab a few more. She sat in front of the tv and flicked through the channels until it landed on a variety show she hadn’t seen. There he was. She hurled half-hearted abuse at the screen as he laughed and joked about their movie. 

"I liked doing a dark role,” He said. “The character is different to what I did at the beginning of my career."

“Your last character smoked. What was that like since it is generally not something they show in Korean films. Do you…"

"I keep trying to quit. But I lost motivation."

"Are you getting to have fun? You seem to have a full schedule.”

"I see my friends which is nice. Spend time with my mother—she makes the best food. I ride my bike, of course.”

"What about a girlfriend? Can we ask about that.”

Ji-hyun held her breath. This was his chance to respond to the rumour about them.

"No. I don’t have one,” he gave a simple and direct answer.

"Oh. Come on! You should. At your age! You aren’t getting younger!"

"True. But I want to find the right person.”

The panel agreed and they talked about other things. Suddenly there was a loud knock on her door. Probably her mother. The buzzer to her apartment was broken. It had been over a week but her friends knew to call ahead and her mother, just banged on the door until she let her in. Ji-hyun didn’t understand why her eomma didn’t just use the passcode but she guessed it was to give her daughter a sense of privacy.

The door clicked open before Ji-hyun could get up. 

"Stupid buzzer,” she heard and immediately freaked out at the sound of a man’s voice. She threw an empty beer can at the intruder hitting him on the head.

"Ouch! What did you do that for!" complained the all too familiar voice.

"Orabeoni?"

"Yes. I said I was coming over. Why didn’t you answer your phone? I had to… oh never mind. That hurt you know," he rubbed the back of his head even though the can had visibly hit the front. She realised he was trying to gain her sympathy and it was working. In an attempt to distract herself she chugged a fresh can of beer.

"Wait a minute. Slow down! How many have you had?” He looked around at the discarded beer cans and bowl of snacks. "Do you have tomorrow off?"

"Nope. But I don’t start until the afternoon. I’m a little drunk,” Ji-hyun gave an unlady-like burp.

"God, I missed you,” he breathed before rushing over to her and taking her into a big hug. He buried his face into the nape of her neck and inhaled her scent. It was fresh as spring and he held on desperate for her to return his embrace. 

"Oppa, what are you doing?” she asked. “Why are you here?”

“I…” he stopped speaking and hugged her even tighter. “I missed you.”

She pushed him away. 

“We have an agreement. We keep things professional. This isn’t…”

“You are angry with me? Right? You want to…”

“Yes, I’m angry! You’re making a mess of your life right now and Eonnie seems to think you will only listen to me! I don’t see how you can continue to be so reckless—sleeping on the side of the road like that? I couldn’t believe it was you when I drove by but it was!”

“It wasn’t a dream?” 

To avoid answering, she went around to the sofa where she picked up another beer and held it out to him. Ji-hyun was just tipsy enough to think it wasn’t a bad idea to have a beer with the man standing in front of her. He was after all here and it would be rude… She paused. It was a very bad idea to have a beer with him. She put the beer back on the table and stood indecisively in the middle of the room. 

“Can we talk for a bit?” he asked.

“Talk?”

“I came all the way here.”

“To do what?” she gave him a suspicious look.

“I want to start over. I want to date you,” he grinned.

She had been waiting for something like this since they had been doing press for the movie but it didn’t mean she was prepared for him to be so blunt.

“And why do you think I want that?” Ji-hyun asked trying to regain the upper hand.

“Because you nag me?” he boldly grabbed her hand. “Because you called to nag me at the smallest excuse.”

“I didn’t call you.”

“But you did! You sent me a message, which is essentially the same thing. Noona told you to nag me and you did. I don’t need more proof.”

“Sit,” she pointed to the sofa. He plopped himself down and reached out to her. Ji-hyun put a beer in his outstretched hand and sat down at the other end of the sofa. She the tv and found an old episode of Running Man to watch. Watching tv together was something that couples did. “Just… just stay there for a bit.”

He nodded, happy that she hadn’t kicked him out. Ji-hyun wasn’t sure how long they were like that but it was now dark outside. An empty box of chicken sat on the table in front of them. She grabbed the blanket and threw over herself. Chang-wook adjusted it around her feet. She was surprised when he held onto her foot.

“These are the socks I gave you,” he said the cute purple puppy her foot.

“So it was you,” Ji-hyun looked at him. “Why? How did you know I was sick?”

“Your costar… When he called you at the fundraiser. He told us you were sick.”

“But Kang-joon oppa…” she paused and looked at him. She started again. “Kang-joon-ssi left medicine. He told me.”

“I threw that away,” he looked embarrassed. She giggled and then broke into a full-throated laugh that caused her to double over.

“You threw away his medicine and left your own?” 

“Yes,” Chang-wook shifted.

“Oh, Oppa. Don’t change.”

Chang-wook looked up. She realised that she had been so angry at his jealousy in the past that her shift to finding it sweet might confuse him.

“Oppa… there is a difference between… being jealous of my friends, my friendships and making sure that you are the one bringing medicine.”

“I…”

“Eomma told me that you gave me Geobug. Geo-geo was the first gift you ever gave me, did you know that?”

“You knew? And…”

“Chang-wook-ssi… do you think that I ever stopped… That there was never…” Ji-hyun lamely gestured to the space between them. 

This conversation was a series of stops and starts. Confusing twists and turns that seemed to all lead, willy-nilly in the same direction. Something of her confusion must have flashed across her face because he slipped his hand up her leg until he could hook her knee and draw her closer to him. She blushed at the look in his eyes. He started tickling the foot he had been holding. She struggled to get away and somehow he ended up lying on top of her. They were both breathing hard. Their eyes met and it took all of Ji-hyun’s strength to look away from the open, simple lust in his eyes, which she knew was mirrored in her own.

“Sorry,” Chang-wook said and sat back down on his end of the sofa. 

Ji-hyun didn’t say anything but she straightened herself and put her feet on the floor and clasped her hands in her lap.

“Orabeoni,” she hesitated. “Why… what do you want with me.”

“Jiji.”

“No, I’m serious. Are you here to… because we are attracted to each other. Because that isn’t how… I don’t want to just… There needs to be a partnership. A real understanding. I want what my parents have, what my friends have. I want to go to the jjimjjilbang.”

“I am attracted to you. How can I deny it? It would be impossible. But is that what you think of me? That I only want… that?”

“We haven’t spent much time together without “that” happening,” she pointed out. “Even just now…”

“Jiji. I don’t just want to… I mean, of course, I want to… sleep in late with you. But I want to spend the night watching reruns with you and have chimaek. I want to cook for you. You said that Prosecutor Noh was your ideal type… Let me show that I can be like that. I loved that character because it made me want to be in love. And I was… with you.”

“In love!” Ji-hyun looked up. He had been in love with her then? For her it had been later. She had been attracted to him but love had grown through those letters during his military service. When she was alone and could read about how he was doing, his hopes, his dreams. “But… when? Why?”

“The first time you called me Orabeoni. Love doesn’t tell you it is coming. It just happens.”

She nodded. “Just happens” was a good way to put it.

“You need to know something,” she said.

‘Yes.’

‘You realise that we can’t go public, right?’

‘Of course. No, wait, I don’t understand.’

‘I am in the middle of a drama. I can’t start dating someone while I am promoting a drama. And what about you? You just announced your next project.’

‘But… Are you saying… Are you saying that…’

She searched his eyes. Ji-hyun didn’t feel she could convey all of her feelings with words at that moment. They were all tied up in knots. She needed to sort through them. But she also had to tell him that she didn’t want to waste time trying to find her way back to loving him. Back to the man she had so desperately loved. In her heart it didn’t feel like a quick turn around. Rather it felt like she had decided to turn the light back on. The room she had been living in the past year had been dark and lonely but inviting Chang-wook back into her life was liberating. 

“I would like to try, Orabeoni.”

Chang-wook didn’t seem to be able to say anything. He was smiling. Small little smiles. And then he bit his lip and looked at her. He laughed. He smiled. He reached out and took her hand in his. He tried to pull her in for a kiss but she brought up her hand and stopped him.

"Do you think you can avoid being jealous? For another four months?" 

"Four months?"

"I will have to do interviews after it is finished. And there is also the awards shows."

"But…"

"But what?" She gave him a very serious look, "Aish. Oppa… Don’t you understand? I won’t go public but that doesn’t mean we can’t try things out again."

"Just try?"

"Slowly. What happened won’t… nothing disappears overnight."

"I know. I can’t tell you how sorry I am."

"It is ok. Look, I should probably go to bed. I have an interview before filming."

"I’ll see myself out then,” he pouted. Ji-hyun knew his instinct would be to do everything in his power to stay. He would flirt, he would tease, anything to hold on to her for a moment longer. So she was pleasantly surprised by how considerate he was to leave, however petulant he was while doing so.

She walked him to the door and watched as he stuffed his feet into his sneakers. Since she was standing on the ledge when he turned towards her, she was only 10cm shorter. Ji-hyun reached up quickly so that her courage didn’t fail her and pulled him in for a quick peck on the lips.

"Goodnight kiss,” she said. He had a slightly dazed look in his eyes. She smiled. Were her kisses so good? 

"Goodnight kiss?" he asked. She giggled.

"Mhhmmm." 

And he grasped her shoulders and pulled her in for another kiss, which deepened almost as soon as it began. She had thought that the little peck would have been enough to send him home with but it wasn’t. Soon they were backing up and bumping into the sofa. Ji-hyun reached behind her to steady herself but felt him wrap his arm around her and pull her firmly against his chest.

He turned so that his back was against the wall, thus giving her the control. Ji-hyun broke off their kiss and looked up at him. Chang-wook’s eyes were hazy and half-closed; his lips swollen from their kiss. She let her hands sink into his thick black hair. He bent low so that he could kiss her and she pulled back. 

“Wait,” she managed to get out before he tried to kiss her again. He listened.

She watched him watch her slowly trace his body with her hands. She felt like she needed to confirm that he was there with her. His arms, his face, his chest, ears, neck. She touched each one. And while his image, his being was so firmly imprinted on her mind’s eye, she felt like she was discovering him again. Only this time she was older, wiser. Now she understood both the pleasure and the pain that love could give. Ji-hyun had never felt so many emotions before. There was grief that they had lost so much time, there was joy that he was here in her arms, there was fear over what the future would bring. There was longing, desperate, aching longing for that future. A fierce bravery shot through all of these.

“Saranghae. Saranghae. Saranghae,” she let him know.

“Jiji… I… Saranghae my Jiji. Our beautiful Jiji…”

“When I kiss you,” she interrupted. “It is like I lose myself. I am no longer Nam Ji-hyun. I don’t know who I am anymore. That used to scare me.”

“Scare you?”

“Yes.”

“But no more?”

“No. Because I’m not losing myself. I’m gaining you… Orabeoni… jagiya… Saranghae.”

Chang-wook didn’t let her finish. She felt him press himself into her soul with his kiss. It was hungry and giving. It made her confused because she wanted more but in her innocence didn’t know how to articulate it. So she used her body instead. She held on to him, clasping her arms around his neck and stretching until her feet no longer touched the floor because he had lifted her in his arms.

"Which way?" he asked.

"That way,” she pointed towards the door that led to her room. “Put me down.”

He did but looked concerned. She gave him a reassuring smile and took his hand in hers. She wanted to be the one to bring him into her bed. She could let him carry her to bed another night.

"Are you sure? Only if you are so sure that you…” he said.

"I’m sure. I am more than sure. But after this we have to take it slow.”

"After this?"

"After this,” and she used her free hand to pull him in for a kiss.

And like that, they went stumbling into her room and on to her bed.