Photo: https://tweetweetbang.files.wordpress.com/2010/07/2pm-heartbeat-2-2.jpg

”Taecyeon, two cops came to talk with you. Can you do that?” Seong Jin Cheol asked with quiet voice.

“Do you mean mentally or physically?” Taecyeon asked. He raised his left hand that got cannula in it.

“Well, both.”

“In some stage I have to” Taecyeon said, “Let them in.”

                                                                  ***

”Hi!” Wooyoung greeted happy.

”Eyy, Junhoo!” Minjun greeted perky, ”You guys can sit here, I can go to the floor - eh, Chansung, get out of way - ”

Taecyeon led Junho to sit on sofa and pulled his bro closer. “Is there something good about to start?” he asked.

“Running man!” Chansung knew.

”Who’s the guest today?” Wooyoung asked.

“They don’t have any today” Taecyeon said, “They said it last week.”

“Chansung, is that soju?” Junho asked shy. Others were surprised and came very happy when Junho wanted to say something. He had had many nasty panic attacks recently.

”Yeah! Here, everybody take a sip!”

”No more bottles than this” Minjun interrupted, ”We have meeting tommorrow.”

Junho sighed. Taecyeon noticed that and pulled him yet more close. Don’t worry, you’re not alone there. Everybody understand you have hard time, he whispered.

“When was it again?”

“1.00 PM.”

”Hey, where’s Khun?” Minjun wondered.

“ On the phone, cooing with Tiffany as usual”, Wooyoung announced.

“Ah.”

                                                                 ***

Taecyeon understood too late what was he doing. Fist and foot had already hit reporter, and this had fallen down to the pavement head in blood and arm in strange position. Taecyeon fell down on his knees as well. He had lost his temper too badly. Way too badly. Taecyeon was sure that his career was now over. He had betrayed 2PM.

Camera! Where is it? Taecyeon turned around and around on his knees panicking. He had to destroy it. But he saw nothing than darkness. He was feeling sick and dizzy.

”I’ll call the ambulance. And the police”, Taecyeon heard somebody saying in a distance before he out.

Somebody shook his world. It was hitting. It made him feel like he’d throw up. His heart was racing. Every place was full of red and blue lights. They caused pain for him. Somebody made him to walk, but suddenly he hit his chin to asphalt.

Taecyeon heard nothing, but trough little foggy curtain he saw how nurses treated his wounds. Door was open, and air condition was too powerful. Taecyeon freezed even more. He had pain or ache all over his body. Hospital bed went past at the corridor machines beeping. Suddenly there was another bed. For him.

                                                                                       ***

”What’s the matter?” Junho asked. Minjun was resting on sofa towel on his head.

“Creativity pains.”

“Again?” Junho wondered chewing his fries, ”Do you want painkillers?”

“I already took them.”

“Well, shout if you need something”, Junho said. He left to his room enjoying his fries. 

”What’s this?” Chansung, now in turn, wondered. He had just returned home from gym with Taecyeon. Taec was still in entry, but he survived quickly to living room while Chansung went to get some water.

“Do you have migraine again?” Taecyeon asked half wondering half worried. He squatted immediately next to Minjun taking his hand.

“Have you thrown up?” he assured. Minjun denied. Chansung came from kitchen with water glass. He shut down the desk lamp.

”Yah, you guys can’t see a thing now...”

“Yes we do”, Chansung said.

“Eh, it’s better if I go to bed” Minjun grunted. He was about to get up from sofa, but Taecyeon pressed him back down.

“Stay still!” he told, “Don’t move if you don’t have to, otherwise that never goes away.”

“Are you nervous about something?” Chansung asked.

“No I don’t.”

“Have you remembered to eat and drink enough?”

“Yes I have.”

“Well, what’s stressing you then?” Chansung stopped grilling. These three were most common causes for Minjun’s migraines.

”I’m going crazy with ‘Hot’ ” Minjun started, ”Something’s missing, and I’m annoyed that I don’t know what would it be.”

“Don’t make creativity to come out. Because if you do, you can’t have good result then”, Taecyeon said.

“I know that, but I’m running out of time...”

“Huyng, you don’t always have to be so perfect”, Chansung remarked. He knew that Minjun had difficulties to remember it.

”But it’s my song! My zero hour!” Minjun became angry grabbing towel off. His face was all pale because of migraine.

“But you have written or at least attended to write many of our songs!” Taecyeon reminded him, “ ‘Only you’, ‘Again & Again’...”

”But this is different!”

Taechan didn’t agree, but also didn’t know what would they said. At the end Taecyeon said: “Bro, we know that. But let’s solve one moment at the time, starting from this migraine, right? Things tend to solve out.”

Chansung nodded silent. He knew well that Taecyeon,  if somebody, had difficulties to remember that. But still, it was undeaniable fact.

“Fans will like it even you wouldn’t be 100% positive yourself. Trust me” Taecyeon smiled caring, “Sleep now, you’ll feel better after it. Shout if you need something.”

                                                                  ***

Chansung looked his father from little distance. They were chatting with Taecyeon’s parents. Chansung, for his part, waited for his turn to hair & make-up. His tooth was causing trouble. Pain was so strong that Chansung hardly was able to think. Still, he was happy for his parents. Umma was mostly quiet, but Chansung saw clearly how proud she was. Appa was standing next to mom hands behind back. He looked at least as proud as mom and was smiling widely. Chansung remembered the time when dad didn’t trust that career of celebrity would last. He had thought that Chansung’s career would only cause problems for them, and then Chansung wouldn’t be able to take care of his parents with his brother. And now dad saw this all once again, this time in Japan. When Mr. Hwang heard that his son would perform in Japan, he had been unable to finish reading daily newspaper because he had been so stunned.                          

                                                                 ***

I’m not gonna make this...I’m not gonna make this...I have to get away...I can’t breath...Where are others..I need my medicines...Aah..

                                                                ***

It was too late. 2PM would have photoshoot at the morning, and they had to be sharp there. Over the years, Nichkhun had learned that at job - especially at photoshoots or press conferences - you had to have good sleep and nutrition. But now he couldn’t help himself.

Nichkhun rested under blanket phone next to chin, that he was unable not to notice if he’d receive new message. He felt same as when he had been only teenage boy and he had had problems with girls. How some feeling was able to repeat in identically same way after many years of absence? It felt so odd. Nichkhun wished it’d had never ever repeated again. He wasn’t teen boy anymore. Besides, situation was completely different now. Now he was blamed about something he’d never have done.

He wouldn’t cheat anyone, much less in relationship. Cheaters were trash. But now he was treated as being such. Nichkhun strongly considered to go to ask Junho if he’d get some of his sedatives. He had to had some sleep.

Phone buzzed. Nichkhun grabbed it both afraid and relieved.

But it was only oreigner telemarketer.          

                                                                 ***             

Somebody knocked to the door.

“Junho” Chansung called quietly, “I made some seaweed soup for you. If you’d come to get even little bowl, I’d be really happy. Could you?”

Junho fought against himself under the blanket. He didn’t want to leave his save base and face harsh world. All he wanted was to be somewhere else, in a world without worries and anxiety. He wanted to go with the wind. Wish Jay could come back and everything would be good again, Junho wished. He closed his eyes and let the world be.

                                                                  ***

Suddenly Minjun remembered Wooyoung’s words from that time when he himself had been recovering at the hospital after he had fractured his arm at the stage by falling between to moving stage parts. Arm had to be operated, and after it he had been in pain, but gladly painkillers had been strong. Minjun had struggled with the fact that he hadn’t been able to attend to studio meetings. He always wanted to be here, had always wanted. Music was his everything (after 2PM).

“Physical pain is awful, but mental pain is even worse. Physical pain can be treated with medicines, mental pain isn’t as easy thing, not at all. But luckily, it’s always possible to survive from them.”

In Minjun’s opinion, Wooyoung’s words had sounded inadequate in that situation. Even today, after long time, Minjun wasn’t able to find right word to describe the feeling he had had back then. Maybe there wasn’t such. When he had sat in hospital bed, he had decided not to talk from his recovering when Wooyoung was there. At least for some time.

                                                                 ***

Taecyeon walked along hospital corridor without any thoughts, like body without psyche. Wooyoung’s leading hand at his upper back made Taecyeon feel comfortable. The lift was hell of a slow. That made Taecyeon nervous.

“Why it isn’t coming already...” he asked anxious.

”I’m sure it doesn’t take long. Everything’s fine,” Wooyoung replied softly patting his brother to back in comforting way. It took a little moment before lift arrived. Taecyeon felt his eyes burning, but he didn’t want to cry. Soon they got out from lift. Wooyoung opened the door leading Taecyeon to new corridor. Taecyeon didn’t have courage to look woman behind the desk. He actually would’ve wanted to, but he just couldn’t. The feeling of familiarity filled him. Secretary behind the desk was same as years ago. It was like nothing would’ve changed at this clinic. Taecyeon was relieved when Wooyoung automatically talked for him. Taecyeon knew Wooyoung was familiar person at this clinic as well, and that’s why his brother was so relaxed when he talked.

“Yeah, it was for doctor and at 12.00 PM”, he currently replied.

When they were ready, Wooyoung led Taecyeon trough the corridor. It was now little gloomy, and there was window at the end of it. It was cloudy day today. Couple patient sat on corridor seats waiting for their turn.  Wooyoung gave a glimpse to every patient even he didn’t want to, but it just happened. He found the right room and brothers sat down to wait. Athmosphere at the clinic was silent and subtle. Taecyeon let out a deep sigh. Wooyoung patted him trough thick winter coat. Clinic desk had cute blue-white squared curtains above it.

Suddenly, in a small fast-speeding moment, Wooyoung realized he knew one of other patients. He freezed right in that moment.

That man looked so small and very timid. He was reading magazine. Wooyoung noticed that he was trembling. Wooyoung felt himself bit anxious.

“I need to go to toilet, ok?” Wooyoung said Taecyeon, “Clock is only 11.50 AM.”

Wooyoung purposely choosed toilet that was at the end of corridor. He sat down and put his head to his knees.

Oh God...he panted, Could it really be Dong-il? Choi Dong-il? It can’t be, it can’t be true... Wooyoung remembered too much things he rather would’ve forgotten forever. Those hits, kicks, spits, mocks and many evil tricks. For example that they used to spy Dong-il over toilet-walls by standing on toilet seat, and then mock Dong-il about his , bottom or harass him ually. Or those many times they had stolen his lunch box, or that time when they rip Dong-il’s math notebook and blamed him when teacher noticed. Couple times they even had hit Dong-il so badly that he had to be hospitalized. Wooyoung also remembered well, when Dong-il hadn’t been in school for a long time. Somebody said he had changed the school, somebody gossiped his family would’ve moved away, somebody even made up a story that Dong-il would’ve been put in to mental hospital. Now that last gossip incised Wooyoung harshly. What if that actually had been the truth?

And everything just because of us.

Now as a grown up, Wooyoung felt even bigger pain about what he had done. He had now suffered from mental problems by himself as well.

How I, on purpose, tortured him like that? How could just a child do those things? Age is never the reason. I...I..He still lives! Thank God he’s alive! We should’ve punished harder back then......

Somebody knocked to the door. “Wooyoung” anxious voice started, “Why aren’t you coming back already? I feel anxious...”

Wooyoung got out from toilet returning back to Taecyeon. Clock was now 11.55 AM. They sat back down. Wooyoung had decided to not to watch Dong-il anymore.

After doctor’s visit Taecyeon was even more quiet than before visit, if possible. Wooyoung guessed how he felt. He remembered it himself too well. Wooyoung was glad that psychiatrics knew that first visits were the most difficult ones for patient and his family, especially if disease relapsed. Couple years ago either Lee Ju Seob, or somebody of his brothers were here with him. That’s why Taecyeon had asked Wooyoung to come here with him today. Wooyoung had helped Taecyeon trough the visit just like Taecyeon had helped him couple years ago. When Taecyeon had asked Wooyoung to come with him he had said: “You know how it feels”, and Wooyoung had nodded. He knew, but on the other hand he didn’t.

Taecyeon’s situation was now different in many ways. His depression had been now relapsed, whereas Wooyoung had never experienced that - and he hoped he never had to. Wooyoung himself wasn’t forced to explain, argue and sail near the wind when there had been masses of reporters everywhere, and take the blames when authorities had investigated his case. Wooyoung  himself had just “got depression”, and that was enough tough already. He couldn’t even imagine how Taecyeon felt.

”Let’s go to get these medicines for you first, and then we’ll go home. Minjun promised he’ll do the dinner”, Wooyoung said to Taecyeon. Suddenly he stopped and hugged his big brother fo a long time. Taecyeon started to cry, but Wooyoung held his. This hurted so much. He didn’t want to confess that at the doctor’s office he had listened only with another ear and concentrated well only when doctor asked his own opinion about something related to Taecyeon. Otherwise Wooyoung hadn’t got Dong-il out of his thoughts.

“Physical pain is awful, but mental pain is even worse. Physical pain can be treated with medicines, mental pain isn’t as easy thing, not at all. But luckily, it’s always possible to survive from them.”

Usually, Wooyoung now added, and thought Dong-il.

On the way home Wooyoung had to get to write something. He opened the notebook app from his phone, but suddenly he wasn’t able to write anything. At the end he decided to just start for something.

Is it even possible to say that you have completely survived from something?

                                                                   ***

Minjun carefully opened the door of Taec’s and his room. He was about to go to sleep, even adrenaline rushed and ears rang. This studio session had been like a dream, he had been in flames! However, Wooyoung had shouted him to shut up and go to sleep, so Minjun had to stop earlier than he wanted to. He realized now how hot it had been inside the room. Minjun saw light, so he stepped out bit more. Hall of upstairs was quiet. Only soft-lighted desk lamp was on. Taecyeon sat in wide windowsill and looked outside. Minjun went closer.

”Nighty-night.”

Taecyeon didn’t even startled. “Night”, he said low.

Jun.K took a moment to look out from square windows of pentagon-shaped corner. It was raining, drops were big.

“Did you wait for a long time?” Minjun asked little bit shamed.

“What? I didn’t wait anything, I just sit here”, Taecyeon answered.

”Is everything okay?” Minjun asked holding his voice light on purpose. He knew his brother had a habit to hide his feelings.

“Yeah yeah” Taecyeon answered and wiped with his hand in air as rejective gesture. He didn’t even look Minjun.

“I don’t believe you”, Minjun announced.  

Now Taecyeon turned to him. His eyes were already widened from upset. Jun.K knew he had hit the right spot.

“What do you mean you don’t believe me? Just go to sleep!”

“Is it because of Junho?” Minjun guessed like he hadn’t heard anything.

Taecyeon grunted wiping again in rejecting way. When Minjun didn’t move, Taecyeon exhaled deciding to give Minjun what he wanted - or no, just part of it.

”We should’ve predicted little bit. Then he wouldn’t have gone hysteric.”

“Mm..” Minjun agreed, “Luckily he felt better quickly after medicine.”

“Depression is an awful disease” Taecyeon said somber, “First Woo, then Junho and now me. I wonder who’s next...”

”You’ve lost your years”, Minjun said. He could’ve comforted Taec right away, but first he wanted to correct him little bit, so Taec would feel even little better. Taecyeon looked him confused.

“Everybody started when Jay had to leave, right? It was a huge mess. We all had hard time. That’s when you got sick and Junho started to show symptoms. He doesn’t have depression Taec, ne? He just gets easily anxious and it’s causing these panic attacks.

”You’re blaming” Taecyeon mumbled.

”No, not at all!” Minjun corrected, “Jay’s departure and whole controversy was really hard time. It’s natural to show symptoms as depression. Others get diagnosis, others don’t. Diagnosis is not bad thing and anyone doesn’t need to shame about it. You were the one who got hardest pressures on you back then. But in every case, Wooyoung got depression later, and because of burnout.”

“Is that how it happened?” Taecyeon asked more confused.

Minjun nodded. “Depression is an awful disease, I agree with you on that” Minjun continued, “But we, six brothers, are family. Me take care of each other no matter what. Otherwise 2PM would be disbanded because of that controversy. And JYP had added resources to mental support. JYP really takes good care of all of his stars.”

Taecyeon remained silent. Then he started again: ”World is crazy nowadays. Look at for example fan wars here. Or Europe.  Or Middle East. And they only fuss at America” Taec said, “So what’s the point of living in this world anymore?” he sighed. 

Minjun grabbed his brother to hug. “Poor Taec” he sighed, “You’re always carrying agony of the whole world on your shoulders.”

“Junho’s suffering so much”, Taecyeon said from Minjun’s laps in thin voice, “I wish I could just take that agony from him and suffer it by myself.”

“Don’t say that..”

”But it’s the truth. After I got assault sentence I have had nothing to lose anymore.”

“Oh Taec” Minjun hummed,“My poor, loved bro.”

                                                                 ***

”Did I say too much?” Chansung suddenly asked. Boys were walking back to the car after one interwiew. Reporter had had all kinds of questions about their early days as trainees and members.

“No” Wooyoung said, “You answered the question.”

“But somehow I feel like I’d have been caught from somewhere pants down”, Chansung said. Junho spurted loud behind them. Chanwoo turned to look. Wooyoung chuckled, Chansung didn’t.

”Sorry, I didn’t mean to. Just continue, guys” Junho said. Boys turned back.

“Even I gave her good answer, I bet that she would’ve wanted 2^nd wiew to parents’ objection in every case”, Wooyoung said.

“Luckily I didn’t tell her how disgusting I was towards appa. I said all kinds of that I now regret. Sometimes I even started to wipe threateningly, but I never did more than that” Chansung said, “But I’ve told this for you guys million times”, he added.

“JYP always says, that we have right for privacy as well”, Wooyoung said.

“Yeah”, Chansung said. He thought this thing for a while by himself, but then let that be. JYP and Woo were right.