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WARNING: Conversations including depression & suicide

”You sit there.”

Taecyeon looked Junho with startled expression. He tried to stand up and leg it from byre’s concrete step where he sat smoking, but Junho pushed him back down.

“You don’t have to be afraid of me”, Junho said after he had sat next to Taecyeon. The rain had made the step wet, but Junho didn’t care. Luckily the rain had died down little bit. There was really, really humid outside.

”Your pants will get wet”, Taecyeon said shy, pointing them.

“Neeh, it’s only water.”

They were quiet for a moment. In Junho’s opinion, Taecyeon looked like he had his pants. For his part, Taecyeon thought Junho seemed to really enjoy about fresh air.

“Are you okay? Aegyo?”

At first, Taec did want to answer nothing, just looking to the ground.  He distinguished his cig, threw it to the glass can and dug new one from his pocket. Junho saw clearly that Taec was really nervous.

“I don’t know” Taec said, talking to his chest.

”Soon it’ll be better” Junho said and then started to chat like nothing would’ve happened. With that, he tried to make Taec feel better and convince him that he was still accepted. “Minjun is doing fine. He has wanted to try to be without medicines but the pain is too hard, and Minjun is upset about it. He’s frustrated. Hey, it happened only yesterday. But, that’s our Minjun, our beloved Daegu granpa” he told chuckling at the end. It was true chuckling, not acted. However, Taecyeon took it as acting.

“De.”

“We planned to sleep together today too. Would you like it too?”

Taecyeon was too anxious, he felt too bad. "Just say what do you want from me!” he snarled loud and anxious.

Again, Junho had to face his sharp gaze, but he knew to wait for it, and now he was all calm.

“Hey, everything is fine. You have nothing to scare or worry about. I’m not angry for you.”

Taec remained silent.

”None of us is angry for you. We are just startled and confused” Junho said looking Taecyeon to the eyes with soft, gentle gaze, “Just like you are.”

“How you all can be so calm?” Taec raised his look confused. He felt like he had wished this kind of reaction so badly it started to feel real, even it wasn’t.  

“What?” Junho asked. Now it was his turn to be confused.

“You guys think I killed him.”

Junho straightened his back, looking Taecyeon with a gaze of which Taecyeon wasn’t able to do any conclusions. Junho, for his part, hadn’t waited such a straight statement from Taecyeon. He tried to think what he should say, and first of all, how.  To be honest, Taecyeon had been right. But only partially.

”It was one of our suspects, but it was the last one.”

“How on earth you’re able to suspect that on me?” Taecyeon asked feeling how the hard piece in his throat was growing, “Is it even possible to think like that about me?”

He knew very well that he had been known commonly for example being irritable and aggressive, in past and still in this moment. But how was that possible his own brothers started to suspect him for killing some other than animals that they had to kill to stay alive themselves, and yet, they were suspecting him for killing the 6^th brother? He felt horrible and extremely sad to learn that fact. This whole situation was so overwhelming Taec wanted to fade away forgetting everything. He couldn’t do more than sit still and stare his pants. He felt so miserable, and he knew Junho was looking him.

“What if I’d say I really killed him?” Taec asked.

Silence.

Junho realized, shocked, what Taec had just asked. Junho started to scare, for real. He swallowed and decided to keep himself calm and his voice steady.

“Well, did you?”

Silence.

“No” Taec said underlining his answer, raising his gaze. ”I swear.”

Junho felt how huge wave of relief swooshed on him. Now he was able to see whole sadness rushing out of Beastie. Junho hugged Taecyeon just like he used to hug him: like a big teddy bear. Inside Junho’s hug Taecyeon fought against tears. He absolutely didn’t want to show them. Not anymore. Yesterday was incident. He was really relieved, but still overwhelmed about events of last couple days.

“Saranghae”, Junho said.

Now Taecyeon just had to let couple little tear to come out. He worked really hard on holding other ones and keeping his voice normal.

“Nado saranghae.”

“I just couldn’t take it anymore. I totally lost my nerves. Like at that one night, which made me even angrier now” Taecyeon said a moment later, when the air in his lungs was refreshed and he had come even bit happier.

“I see” Junho said, “Yesterday was horrible - eeh, no, it was traumatic for all of us. No wonder if psyche doesn’t make it.”

“Yeah.”

“Khun said that.”

Junho was happy when he got a smile to glimpse on his aegyo’s face. He decided to continue. “Did you take that from my closet?” he asked pointing black hoodie Taecyeon was wearing. He had two, and he wore the another one right now.

“I had to” Taecyeon replied, being finally enough brave for smile bit. He had started with a new cig again, and he it before he continued, “It’s so cool weather here.”

“Well, at least you didn’t come to pick this from my head” Junho chuckled pointing his black hiphop-styled cap. Rain drops were dropping from his neck hair, which the rain had got to curl. Rest had stayed dry, thanks to cap. Taecyeon gave him a laugh, but still he was kinda silent. He distinguished and put number, God knows which,  cig to the glass jar.  

“Don’t start a new”, Junho said, “You’ve smoked at least three already.”

“I smoked at least two before you came”, Taecyeon said. To be honest, he didn’t remember a single thing about the time before Junho came to him, the very less how many had he smoked.

“Well, then you definitely do not.”

“But it comforts me.”

“Hey” Junho said softly coming little closer, then taking the bigger brother to his underarm, even it was bit tricky. He noticed Taec’s seat was dry. That meant his bro had been sitting at this concrete step God knows how long.

“Just take it easy. Everything is perfectly fine” Junho was quiet for a moment, ”I can clearly see you feel awful, even you don’t admit it for me.”

Taec said nothing. Junho looked him feeling difficult.

”Usually this goes conversely. I'm crying and you're comformting”, he said waiting Taec to respond. When he didn’t, Junho continued: “As long as I remember, it has never gone like this way. Except those times you cried on the stage.”

”And those times they were happy tears” Taecyeon defended, experiencing that Junho called him wimp, “And when we got our first award in the middle of that huge storm, I couldn’t believe we really had been able to stay alive with swamping on our way through to it, and deserve our identity back same as it was; neither worsen or faded. We learned the fact there were still big bunch of Hottest left. They were with us for whole our long career. They hold us on the surface when there were times when we were about to drown.” Taecyeon felt strange to talk so much after so many hours of being quiet.

“And we held each others on the surface. All six” Junho said looking Taecyeon to the eyes, “Every time I’m down I remember those feelings and thoughts I had back those times. Then I start to think should I just throw everything away and forget everything. Like I used to think back then.

“De” Taecyeon nodded looking to his laps again, “I used to bury myself to the bed like you used to do too. I was just too tired to take the outworld anymore.”

“I remember when you’ve said that earlier too. I felt the same. It’s funny how we first wanted to become celebrities and then we didn’t - “

“It doesn’t depend on that. We and all other groups had enormous and terrible pressures on us. 24/7. Even we worked hard for our fans, we still had to have our private life, despite those ing sasaengs. “

“Yeah. And now we have nothing else but privacy, so sometimes I miss being celebrity. That was familiar and safe, unlike our life here.”

“Mmm...”

Two brothers fell on silence. It had started to wind. Usually they’d had gone in at this stage. But now, these two brothers were talking about so painful things that they didn’t want to quit this conversation before they were completely done.

“I wonder where Wooyoung might be now.”

“He must feel really cold” Taecyeon said, dropping his head again. Miserable feeling had returned. He felt unbearable bad about the fact boy didn’t even have coat. Taecyeon had grabbed him out so sudden.

”Remember we all know how to make a fire and how to act when in nature” Junho patted Taec to his shoulder, “We did fine at the beginning, didn’t we?”

“Mm...Man, I don’t miss those times at all”, Taecyeon said. Before they had found this courtyard they had been living at the forest, staying to the caves or under the sky or elsewhere. They didn’t know how long they had been like that, or even how long time was it they had even lived now. Or whatever this was supposed to call; Taec wasn’t sure about that at all. Others were following when he tells them to stop thinking those things.

“It was a gift from God when we found all this”, he heard Junho saying. He himself stayed quiet. Now, he had started to think.

”I should take care of you guys, you're all my family! However, I’ll end up by doing converse.”

Junho said nothing. Everyone took care of each other - that was self-clear - but Junho knew Taecyeon thought he had the biggest responsibility about safety and welfare. He was born to be leader. Earlier Taecyeon and Minjun had been fighting about leadership, but at the end they formed nonverbal share about which one decided on which things. Of course - that was also self-clear thing - all six discussed things together, and everyone got chance to say if they had something to say. Every opinion was equal to others, all of them were as respected and important as five others.

Taec sighed deep, ”Wooyoung said we both are same like. He said both you and me are queasy pieces of . And all kinds of mean things” he took a breath, “Actually, I must admit that some of his arguments weren’t false.”

“Well, then he should be as queasy as we are. At least. He always has been and it hasn’t changed”, Junho said. Stone hit his chest; dark memories raised their heads.

For a long time, neither of them said anything.

“Jonghuyn”, Taec said. Silence did the rest. Junho came even more sad.

“I’m so happy that none of us didn’t - “ Junho started, swallowed the hard piece down from his throat, “end up - or felt he had to do it.”

Taec was quiet. He wanted to say, but he couldn’t. He felt so great pain inside. At the end he hit the knife through his hand.

“Wooyoung was really close to do that.”

Two brothers were able to say nothing. Small tear drops ran to Junho’s cheek, but he didn’t let Taec see them.

“We all three were thinking about it.”

A perfect, extremely sad silence.

Taecyeon reached to take Junho leaning to his chest.

“But we had each other. Otherwise life couldn’t had ended well."

A small wind blow over them. “I wonder if Wooyoung ever comes back”, Junho said after it.

A sword trough Taecyeon. He crushed into himself. The sword crushed his organs.

“Or does he even survive to come back.”

Junho didn’t want or know what to answer.

“Do you know what I thought when I laid in your bed?” Taecyeon asked after he was enough recovered to continue the conversation.

“Tell me” Junho said looking Taec half of his body in Taec's laps. It was warm and safe place to be. Taecyeon’s somberness had affected on him too, but not as much as on Taec, he assumed.

“I wonder if I really am the person that I’ve thought I am. What if I’m somebody else for you and for people in the past.”

Junho guessed when and why Taec started to think that.

”Actually, that makes sense” Junho said, ”But then it would go same for all of us too. In my opinion.”

“What if we just have fooled ourselves and we are something else than humans?”

“You’ve found too many scifi-books.”

“Yah!” Taecyeon exclaimed smiling. It made Junho happy.

”More than that, I tend to think if this all is just delusion. Why we would be here otherwise?”

“Why this all would be just delusion?”

“I don’t know, that’s the problem...Aigoo..” Junho moaned, “Like you always say, it matters nothing to think this - at least not too much” Junho thought for moment adding: “You don’t need to worry about Wooyoung either. Things tend to solve out.”

“I cannot help it” Taecyeon said, “This is too serious thing for not worrying.”

“No, I didn’t say that. We’re all worried, but let’s not give the chance for it to get upper hand on us” Junho corrected, “We are going to search him tomorrow. Now it’s too late and bad weather makes conditions even worse, so we cannot go tonight anymore. It’ll be night in few hours.”

Junho stood up, ”Shall we go?”

“But everyone else...” Taecyeon said hanging back. His earlier feeling of shame stepped one step forward back to him.

“I’ll talk to them. You can start cooking” Junho said, “Or wait - It’s better that I ask instructions from Minjun first. He’s going nuts for being unable to access the kitchen himself.”

Taecyeon bursted. “That’s so like our lovely Minjun...Well, I wait in the kitchen. Hopefully nobody comes there.”

”You can come upstairs if Minjun wants food to being stewed or something.

“But...”

”Don’t be afraid..Just come” Junho smiled, ”We can play card if Minjun feels well.”

“It feels wrong because Wooyoung’s missing.”

“We have to just try to cope with it. We can’t do more than that.”

Taecyeon sighed and got up from the concrete step.