​​​​​​... AND TO TOP OUR K-CHARTS THIS WEEK, AGAIN... IT IS... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LISA! 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me?

 

 

 

 

Oh, right. Me. Smile Manoban, quickly! 

 

 

 

The crowd's cheers were ecstatic as usual. It always made me feel a little... loved.

 

 

 

That's right. As long as I'm not "broken" or "damaged", or appeared to be one... I am loved.

 

 

 

I think I figured that out quite well over the years. Since when I was a kid, I unconsciously built that mechanism. I tried to change it and be open somehow but it just became one of my biggest regrets. 

 

 

 

You just can't trust anyone to understand you and bear with your burdens, because ultimately, you'll become one for them. It is easier to keep things on your own. No drama and bull, just you carrying your own baggage full of it. 

 

 

 

This mask I am wearing for everyone else to see... is what makes me less of who I really am and more... "human", I suppose.

 

 

 

"Wow... Thank you for your support as always! Saranghae!“ I flash a smile once more and waved at the fans that were calling my name.

 

 

 

As soon as I exited the scene, I took off the smile I wore for four hours straight. I can't wait to take this ridiculous costume off too. 

​​​​​​

 

 

"Lisa! You can go and change. Let's go home." I smiled at onni and gave her the trophy. I quickly went towards my dressing room to change. Finally, comfortable clothes. 

 

 

 

Maybe I look ridiculous for some but loose pants and shirt, and sneakers are the best. Top it off with a cap and mask... Perfect. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"What's taking onni too long?" I muttered while I stand here waiting for her beside our van. I started to play with my foot, tapping it with some beats. Then I started to hum some tunes too until onni finally called for me. 

 

 

"Lisa! You walk too fast! I told you I was buying food!" Aunt Vivi said while handing me a bag of pastries.

 

 

Aunt Vi is my mother's younger sister. I call her onni because she doesn't want to be called aunt and she said it is better that no one knows we're related, that she is just my manager.

 

 

I didn't mind though. She is my only family now, and my un-trusting self only trusts her.

 

 

 

 

 

The ride home takes a little long that's why I always doze off. Funny thing is I would always wake up with a bad cough. My throat would always feel itchy that I feel suffocated sometimes.

 

 

"Onni, can I have some water?"

 

 

"Here. Are you having those coughs again? Should we go to the hospital?" My aunt said as she pass me the bottle.

 

 

"No. I don't like hospitals."

 

 

"Lisa..." She trailed off. Knowing that the scolding will come next, I stopped her.

 

 

"Okay, but can we go to a different one? Why does it have to be there?"

 

 

"That's the best one here, we all know that."

 

 

"I know but I don't need the best onni, I-..."

 

 

"That's the only option you have Lisa and we're going there right now." She ordered, and the driver obliged.

 

 

I grunted as I close my eyes. Great. If only I could pretend not to have this cough too.

 

 

But my eyes quickly opened when an idea popped in my head. 

 

 

"Onni, I want to be checked by that doctor before." 

 

 

"What? Why? She's a pedia, Lisa." 

 

 

"But I don't want to meet a new one. Besides, I already have a record there, so it would be faster." 

 

 

"Aish jinjja... You only like it there because she gave you chocolate milk." 

​

 

"Aniya~... Onni..." I pleaded like a child. 

 

 

It was long excruciating seconds before she finally answered.

 

 

 

"Fine."

 

 

 

I shrieked quietly so she won't notice. I'm coming for you, chocolate milk~... I foolishly sang in my head. Well, look on the bright side, right?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hospitals... I'm never comfortable with it. I never want to walk these halls again, but here I am walking on the damn thing like it is the walkway for vogue or something.

 

 

 

 

 

Flashback...

 

 

 

 

 

"Mom! Please! Please wake up! Please!" I ran and begged as the doctors and nurses rushed my mom to the emergency room.

 

 

"I'm sorry honey, but you have to wait outside." A nurse kneeled down and talked to me. 

 

 

"I-Is my Mom going to be o-okay?"

 

 

"We will do our best, okay? Where's your Dad?"

 

 

"I d-don't know. W-we were supposed to f-find him."

 

 

"Where?"

 

 

"Seoul."

 

 

"Where in Seoul, honey?"

 

 

"He-..."

 

 

"Nurse Jang! I need you on ER 2!" A doctor called for the nurse to which she answered.

 

 

"Listen. I need you to sit right there and wait for the doctors okay?" I nodded and do as she ordered. I was still having faint sobs but I was hopeful.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Doctor! Is there a patient named Manoban?" 

 

 

 

"Yes. She's in ER 2 right now. I will operate-..." 

 

 

 

"CEO Kim's orders-..." The other doctor's next words turned into whispers.

 

 

 

"What?! I can't just do that!" He answered in shock. The other doctor whispered again that made him more confused than he already was. 

 

 

 

"Excuse me, Doctor." He said as he walked away from the other with pure disappointment and troubled face. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I overheard them when I was coming back from the comfort room. I got more worried but I just inhaled deeply as I settled again to my seat. 

 

 

 

 

 

"We will do our best, okay?" 

 

 

 

 

 

Those were the words I held on to, those were my hope...

 

 

 

 

 

...and probably the very first words that shattered my capability to trust. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Present... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hopeful... for what exactly?

 

 

 

 

All hopes are just wishful thinking. 

 

 

 

 

Because Mom didn't make it.

 

 

 

 

She didn't make it because they never tried.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My thoughts were disturbed when onni knocked on the doctor's room. "Kim Jisoo - Pediatrician" was posted on the door.

 

 

Onni opened it and gestured for me to come in. I was about to but I saw two kids sitting on the waiting area. Who are these people?! 

 

 

I was already taking few steps backward when Dr. Kim showed up. 

 

 

"The twins?" She called out. 

 

 

"Onni! I want to be first!" The boy shouted. 

 

 

"No! Me! I want to be first!" The twin girl shouted the same. 

 

 

"Aish, you two... you know I love the both of you!" She said as she pampers the kids. 

 

 

"Come... I've got new candies!" 

 

 

The kids became more energetic and followed her into the check-up room, but before she fully turn back, she saw us. She looked at me with a little surprised eyes but smiled at me even so. 

 

 

I don't know why but her presence feels welcoming, and...  warm. 

​​

 

 

 

Like... Mom? 

 

 

 

 

"Oh. Vi and... Lalisa, am I right?"

 

 

"Huh? M-Me... Y-Yeah." I stuttered. She spoke and me being me panicked. My mind was obviously drifting and when it was distracted, I didn't know what to do.

 

 

 

Oh for sakes just kill me. 

 

 

 

She giggled and it was somehow soothing. "Please wait here for a moment. This will be just quick." She said and gestured for us to sit on the couch. 

 

 

 

I sat about two seats away from the lady who I presumed to be the twin's mom.

 

 

 

"Aish Lalisa." Aunt commented as she sat on the gap. 

 

 

 

"I don't know how you even last with your events."

 

 

 

"My same question everyday, onni." I answered.

 

 

 

About five minutes have passed when Aunt stood up. She slightly fixed herself and looked at me. 

 

 

"I'll visit the other clinics here and see if I can set a weekly schedule for you." She said. 

 

 

"What? But I don't want to go every week! I'm fine!"

 

 

"We're not discussing this right now, Lisa."

 

 

"Then why can't I just have a schedule here?" 

 

 

"Dr. Kim is a pediatrician. I can't possibly slip you in her schedule. We'll talk about this later. I'm going." 

 

 

"Onni!-..." I whispered loudly but the door was shut before I could even say any word. 

 

 

"...don't leave me." I muttered.

 

 

 

I heaved a sigh then moments later the kids went out all giddy with their lollies. 

 

 

"Thank you Dr. Kim. They wouldn't even go out if the doctor wouldn't be you." 

 

 

"I'm more pleased to be having them." Dr. Kim politely said.

 

 

"Bye onni!" The kids said in unison as they get ready to leave. They hugged Dr. Kim and she also gave them her warmest smile.

 

 

She's good with kids. Maybe she really has that "mom" vibe on her. 

 

 

"Hey Jun! My lollipop looks better!" The girl said to her brother as they walk pass by me.

 

 

"No it isn't! Mine looks better Lili-...an."

 

 

"Shh! Jun! Lilian! Stop being too loud!" I hear their mom scold them but it was too faintly.

 

 

All of the sudden, my mind drifted to a distant memory... That I wish I could forget.

 

 

 

 

 

Flashback...

 

 

 

 

"Lili! I'll call you Lili from now on."

 

 

"Then... I'll call you Nini!"

 

 

Our giggles echoed across the halls of their mansion, or what seemed to be when I was just a little kid. 

 

 

 

 

 

Present... 

 

 

 

 

"Lalisa?"

 

 

"Lalisa, are you alright?"

 

 

"Lili!" I unconsciously snapped and looked at her.

 

 

"What?" She asked as she stares back. I didn't know she was already sitting next to me while she was holding and nudging my hand.

 

 

"L-Lili... Y-You just can call me Lili." I forcely made an excuse for weirdly spacing out...and I regretted it in a split second. Why would I want to be called that?! Stupid! And she might think I'm weird for sure-...

 

 

"That's so cute! You can call me Jichu!"  She interrupted my thoughts which I'm glad she did but it made me think how weird this girl is. 

 

 

"J-Jichu?"

 

 

She giggled and her eyes formed like rainbows that I think I'm already in one. What a bright person... I was in awe until she spoke again.

 

 

"Or Chu for short!" She giggled again. "Let's go and get you checked? Where's Vi?"

 

 

“O-Oh... She went out for a bit."

 

 

"Oh, I see. Let's go?" I just nodded and followed her. I removed my cap, then I fixed my hair and mask. She gestured for me to sit, so I did too.

 

 

She searched for my record then settled to sit in front of me. 

 

 

"You need to take it off." 

 

 

"W-What?" Take what off? You mean undress?! I was unconsciously guarding my chest like I have some.

 

 

"I meant your mask." She said after a chuckle. 

 

 

"Oh..." I just said in response. Please...I just want to rot.

 

 

I did just what I've been told and suddenly her hands reached for my face. I was startled at first but her touch was gentle that I felt comfortable in an instant... Yes, surprisingly.

 

 

​​​​​​"Hmm... There aren't any nodes." She muttered as she pressed my neck gently. She kept doing it and went from my nape to the lower part of my neck. I made a noticeable gulp because I was feeling things I'm not even sure of. 

 

 

"There seems to be no worries for viral infection. What are you feeling exactly?"

 

 

 

 

Weird feelings.

 

 

 

I-I mean...

 

 

 

"I-Itchiness, dry, and sometimes it's hard to breathe." I answered.

 

 

"Hmm, okay. Do you have any known allergies?"

 

 

"Only with nuts."

 

 

"Have you eaten recently?"

 

 

"No. Onni is very strict on what I eat."

 

 

"Well, what do you eat often?"

 

 

"Hmm... I'm not sure."

 

 

"Okay, then this week before you come back here, check what you eat; the contents, or ingredients. We'll see what those have in common. For now, I'll give you a minimal dosage of antihistamine. Take it when you're having the symptoms." she instructed as she writes the prescription.

 

 

"Yes, Dr. Kim." I muttered but enough to hear.

 

 

She suddenly looked at me intently when I spoke.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"W-Why?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"It's Chu... Lili."

 

 

 

 

 

She smiled sweetly at me and I swear I can feel my cheeks burn that I'm glad I'm wearing my mask again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

It feels like "Lili" gives a different ring in my ears when it's from her. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just... what is this feeling?