Mina carried me home because it would’ve been a long walk, I asked Mina and Momo to leave me alone inside my room just to think. I didn’t lie and say that I was fine. I wasn’t fine. I just wasn’t sure why I felt so alone. Sakura was committed to me, that much I knew. But I felt threatened. Sunmi was her past lover and she, like Irene, had so much more to offer.

I collapsed on my bed. Just as I thought things might calm down after that attack, another attack came in an emotional form. I curled up on my side, silence filled my room and I could vaguely hear my sisters arguing about who gets to watch their show on the TV. Meanwhile, mom was making dinner, I could smell it cooking.

‘’Why didn’t she tell me?’’ I asked myself again. I played with the ring on my neck and I suddenly felt a pang of heartache. I winced and stopped touching it.

It must’ve been Sakura. I felt guilty for reacting the way I did but on the other hand, I was insecure. What if she finds a major fault in me that she doesn’t like, and she would much rather prefer the company of here sis-, no, Sunmi. I know I shouldn’t doubt her. She literally spent 5 years looking for me. But there was only so much I could stop thinking about.

I would never admit this to her, but I was a person who gets jealous so easily. And when I thought about her past relationship with Sunmi, my mind instantly goes to how close or how in love they were. In fact, I think that it didn’t even need to be Sunmi. I think I would’ve reacted that way regardless of who it was. It could’ve been Shige, it could’ve been one of our classmates or even Irene. It just so happens to be Sunmi.

When I delved deeper into my own perspective. I couldn’t really think of a justified reason to be mad at Sakura. This was her past, this was before she met me, this was before I was even born. So, I had no right to get mad at her. Everyone around the world is constantly going in and out of relationships. Some people even change daily. But here I was. Overreacting.

‘’Whats wrong with me…’’ I sat up on the bed and put my head in my hands, trying to calm my clenching heart. ‘’Shes with me now. I should be happy.’’ I said to myself. Hoping to knock some sense in that dense brain of mine. However, my own words didn’t have any effect. I still felt like I was breathing under water.

I opened my eyes and looked around the room, for someone who had many hobbies, my room looked like someone had just moved in. No pictures except the one of my family on the desk, no posters of any singers or celebrities. Even my bed covers were black and white. I was boring. Would Sakura want to be with a boring person?

I glanced at the mirror on the desk, reflecting my sad face. I brought my hand up and cupped my face, ‘’I’m nothing compared to Sunmi, or Irene…’’

I sighed and stood up, sitting by my desk and was about to focus on studying but something caught my eye in the corner of the room. There lay my coat I had worn to Sakura’s house and the pocket spilled a bunch of letters that I had forgotten to read because of how manic these past few days have been.

I rolled myself over in my wheelie chair and picked them up. They had a slight brown tint from how old they were, she said she had written them not long after I had gone and stopped when she was released from being held inside her home.

The wax seal on each envelop was an imprint of a cherry blossom flower. Very fitting of her name.

‘’I might as well read them now…’’

I went back over to my desk and put on my glasses, popping the one on top of the pile open first.

……..

Dear Chaeyeon,

Why didn’t you tell me you were leaving? I would’ve followed you anywhere…not to sound creepy. I miss you already, where are you now? Maybe I could find you and we could go back to playing again.

I wanted you to meet my friend Shige but when I went to the park a few days ago, the kids said you moved away. I’m hurt that you left like that, I’ll find you!

From,

Sakura

………

This was when I left. The paper crumpled in my hand a little bit when I tried holding in my anger about Yoona’s ploy to make me forget. Sunmi said that she was out to get me killed, and if that was true then I have no room for forgiveness for that woman. If it wasn’t for her troublemaking, I could’ve been a lot closer to Sakura than I was now.

Even though we’ve reconnected, time hasn’t done us any good. Over the years I have been distrusting towards others, I’ve built up a wall to keep me safe from the bullies. Sakura wasn’t a bully. I knew that, but this is how I’ve been able to keep on top of the depression all these years and it wasn’t an easy job to get rid of it all. Not even for Sakura. I didn’t blame her for thinking we could go back to how carefree we were back then. She didn’t forget. But I did.

I moved onto the next letter.

……….

Dear Chaeyeon,

How are you? Its been a few weeks now and you still haven’t contacted me. I’ve been feeling lonely, all the kids at the park have been cold, they don’t like me. Did you know I don’t have red eyes anymore? I have brown ones….

I wonder if you’ll ever call me. I miss our long talks and hugs; didn’t you say you wanted to marry me?

Please come back, I miss you...

From,

Kura-chan

………..

And the next one.

………

Dear Chaeyeon,

I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry.

I’m so sorry.

I wish I would’ve realised sooner that my mother would find out about us. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. You don’t remember me. You never will. I hate her. I hate her so much.

You must’ve been terrified, I shouldn’t have assumed that everything could go smoothly for us. I’m so sorry, Chaeyeon, I let you down. I let us down. I’ll find you, I promise. Shes locked me up but I’ll figure out where you are, and we’ll be together again.

Even if you don’t remember me, I’ll always remember you and I’ll find my way into your heart again. I pr