I think let's take it slow, so slow... that is my anthem now. -____-

ஐ〰ฺ･:*:･✿ฺ ஐ〰･:*:･･:*:･✿ฺ ஐ〰･:*:･･:*:･✿ฺ ஐ〰･:*:･

Mark heard how his grandfather heaved a very deep and long sigh, under his breath as he stood there on the foot of the stairs with his one hand on the railings, and the other on his wooden cane.

He wanted to say something, because how his grandpa is looking at him now, adds more to the heaviness he feels in his chest.

I didn't want to live! If it meant living without him, then I don't want it!

Mark could still hear those words... coming from Jinyoung whose face was covered with tears he knew the younger had long held back. He could still hear how every word was laced with so much pain, longing, regret and guilt.

I should've died instead. I wish I died instead!

Now Mark felt his own heart clenching, going back to Jinyoung's last words. Sure, he did despise Jinyoung for getting to survive the accident which took his brother's life. How he hated him for being the one who lived. It should've been Matt who lived. This is what has been running in his head the entire time after learning about his Matt's wretched fate. 

But when Jinyoung admitted how guilty he felt after losing Matt, when Jinyoung expressed how he regretted having the chance to live but losing Matt, when Jinyoung said how he hated his own self for surviving the accident when Matt didn't... it only proved how he truly loved his twin. Jinyoung loved Matt. And now Mark feels ty after saying those hurtful words to Jinyoung. How could he say all that? Why did he say all that?

Jinyoung didn't deserve all his hatred. After giving the love he failed to give his own brother... Jinyoung didn't deserve to hear all those ty things he said.

But remembering how those tearful eyes glanced at him, before finally walking away from him, Mark knew he screwed up.

"Jinyoung loved Matt."

This was all his grandpa has to say. Mark felt his own heart sinking. The old man heaved another deep sigh before speaking again. "I am a witness to that. What your brother and Jinyoung had... it was real. It is." Then he felt his grandpa's hand on his shoulder. "I don't think Matt would be happy if he learns that you hate the man whom he loves."

"I didn't mean to." Mark said in all suddenness, feeling the need to somehow explain his side. "I was just hurt of what happened to Matt and I just... I said those... I didn't -" He cannot finish his own sentence and just kept his head down. He felt how his grandpa gently squeezing his shoulder. With another sigh, Mark spoke. "I am really sorry, grandpa. I really am. . . . . . . . but I don't think Jinyoung could forgive me this time."

His grandpa couldn't do anything but give him a sad smile. His grandpa is kind enough, not to torment him by nagging on how rude he was to Jinyoung. Mark appreciates that. He knew his fault, and he doesn't need to be reminded of how he acted like a complete to the man who did nothing but love his brother truly and honestly.

And that is how their short talk ended. His grandpa said they should both rest, and Mark nodded, walking upstairs, straight to his room.

It was after he took a quick shower, when his eyes caught on the photoframe on top of his bedside table. Reaching for it, Mark sat down on his bed. 

It's their family picture: him, Matt and their mom and dad, all smiling happily in front of the camera. Mark could almost smile while looking at it, recalling how happy they were back then, during the time when they were still all together. Back when their mom is still so in love with their dad. Back when, their dad was still healthy, and happy. Back when he could still play freely with his twin brother.

But then his happy trip down to memory lane was interrupted when he heard his phone ringing and saw that it was his mom who was calling him.

As expected, his mom just asked how he was, and how his condition is. Before heading back to Korea, Mark already had a go signal from his trusted doctors in Los Angeles. They gave him the permission to travel back to Jeju, which Mark sort of resented, because their permission is four years too late. But still, he took the chance to fly back to Jeju, just so he could visit his twin and ask for forgiveness, in the most personal way he could get.

"Since you already did what you long wanted to do, I think it'll be better if you fly back here, right son?"

His mom wants him to go back to L.A. and live with her again. But Mark knows living with his mom, means living with her family. His mom has remarried a year after his dad died, and now has children of her own. As much as he loves his mom, and wants to be with her, Mark also knows living with her family is not the easiest thing for him to do.

Mark recalls those times when he was often left alone, while his mom's family goes out to eat or just spend time together as a family. How he watched how happy his mom is while taking care of his brothers and sisters. How his mom's eyes light up just by seeing how her new family comes together. Mark loved seeing how happy his mom is. But in the deepest corner of his heart, how he still hoped that it was their own family which was complete and happy together. 

His dad is gone, so is Matt. His mom is all Mark got. But sad to say, his mom already has a family of her own. And no matter how much he would want to become part of it, Mark knows he never will be.

So with a firm voice, Mark has decided. "I'm staying here, mom."

**********

"I miss eating the seafood stew eommeonim makes!" 

Yes, that would be Jackson, whining about how he missed eating dinner which Jinyoung's mom makes for them. 

Mark took his friends out for dinner, since his grandpa is out to meet some of their investors and he is a bit tired from eating what their maids prepared at the mansion. They are at one of Jeju's best seafood restaurant, but apparently, Jackson and Bambam have picky tastebuds. For the past hour, those two kept on whining about how they missed food back in Jinyoung's house. Mark also agrees, recalling how delicious Jinyoung's mom cooks their food, but he is also well aware that he can't possibly be able to eat dinner there again. 

"Yugyeom did invite us to eat dinner with them." Bambam said while sipping on the stew. "A while ago, he invited me again."

"Yeah, I know. But we also know Mark here is not that thick skinned to show his face in the Park's household.... after saying those things to Jinyoung-" the last part was kept in a murmur but mark still caught on Jackson's words.

"You don't need to remind me that I've been an -"

"Because you should never forget that you are a fully pledged one, Tuan." Jackson and his mouth.

Mark tried to glare at Jackson but the chinese is not giving him any attention and is just focusing on eating. Bambam also ain't paying no mind, since he's busy eating while browsing through his timeline in twitter. 

While they were on their ride back home, Mark just thought of telling the other two that if they want to eat at Jinyoung's, they could always do that, given that Yugyeom still invites them. "You two could go without me." That's what he said, and of course he cannot expect his friends to say no to that. So they agreed that Bambam and Jackson are going to be eating dinner with the Parks. 

When they parked over the mansion's yard, Bambam pointed on Jinyoung's house and there they saw the raven haired, talking to Jaebum. Jinyoung was inside the house while Jaebum was standing outside the gate. Jackson immediately called on the surgeon after getting off the car. Him and Bambam followed, but Mark stayed a couple more steps away from them.

Jackson was asking what Jaebum was doing, and the latter just said he went there for Jinyoung... well as expected. 

"Oh, okay... maybe next time?" This is what Mark overheard from Jaebum's conversation with Jinyoung. 

They were all still standing outside the house's gate, with Bambam calling out on Yugyeom and Jackson sticking his nose on what Jaebum and Jinyoung were talking about. 

Mark looked sideways and saw how Jinyoung shook his head in response. "I don't know... uhm, sorry." That made him turn towards their direction. He saw Jaebum smiling to hide his disappointment. But seeing how Jinyoung looked at him after turning Jaebum down, Mark felt even more guilty.

**********

"Is Jaebum hitting on you?"

Jinyoung sighed at Jackson's question. This guy, certainly has a lot of time to spare. Maybe he ran out of his own issues, that's why is is now prying on someone else's issues. Jackson needs to get a life, i