The good news was, the doctor said that I could bring Hoseok home after he was stabilized. After a few days, Hoseok was feeling much better. We spent mornings and afternoons in the hospital garden, breathing the fresh air, watching people and flowers, and just stayed with each other until visitation hours were over.

At first, I had to wheel him around in a wheelchair. He didn’t like it. But he didn’t protest. He knew he needed it. His legs could not carry his weight the way they used to. But after a few days, he managed to walk using a walking stick instead of the wheelchair. That was when I saw his bright smile after what seemed like a long long time ago.

That evening, I brought Hoseok home. After being at the hospital for a year, it didn’t feel like home to him. Not at first. He pushed open the door and looked around as if he’d just seen it for the very first time. He traced the wall as he leaned against it, taking one step after the other carefully.

“Welcome home,” I said.

“Home,” he repeated the word absent-mindedly, looking around the living room.

“I kept your room just the way it is,” I told him.

“Thanks, Yoongi,” he said with a weak smile. I figured he just needed some time alone. I let him be as I went to fix us something to eat.

I watched quietly as he touched the couch gently. He traced his finger along the edge before sitting down and facing the TV. He turned it on and was soon watching his favourite channel. I thought about preparing something special for him tonight. After all, this was a welcoming celebration.

Above the sound of running water and steaming pot, something else caught my ear. It sounded like something rather heavy had hit the floor. I dropped everything and rushed to the living room. I found Hoseok grabbing the stair rails. His walking stick was on the ground right beside his feet. I began to rush forward to help. But he stopped me.

“Let me do it,” he said.

I bit my lower lip as I watched him gripping onto the rails for support and bending down to retrieve his walking stick. I feared that he would fall. I feared for his life. I knew that I worried too much. He knew that too. But it was time for him to take matters into his own hands. He couldn’t always live like this. I wouldn’t always be there to save him.

He grabbed the walking stick and stood back up. Grabbing the stair rails firmly, he began to make his way upstairs slowly.

“I’ll be in my room,” he said softly.

“Alright, I’ll let you know when dinner’s ready.”

It was almost 7 when I finished setting the dining table. I went upstairs to get Hoseok. I wondered what he was doing. He’d been so quiet up there. His room door was closed. I stopped myself from knocking as I pressed my face against the wooden surface. There was silence. No, there was something else. Something faint. But I couldn’t make out what it was.

I turned the doorknob as silently as I could and pushed it open. Everything in his room was a mess. The books on the shelves, the papers on the table, the lamp on the nightstand, everything was out of their usual places and not how I’ve kept it all this time. His bed was a total mess. The pillows were everywhere, and the blanket was all over the bed.

But then, I saw. Someone was lying on top of it. Someone small. No, he wasn’t small. He was just curled up like a ball. He clutched the pillow close to his face and pulled his knees close to his chest. There was no sound but I saw the trembling of his shoulders and I knew he was sobbing. My heart ached so much seeing him like this.

“Hey…,” I whispered softly as I placed a hand on his shoulder gently. I felt him shuddered at my touch.

“Hey, it’s okay,” I whispered into his ear as I pulled him into a hug. He lifted his head slowly and looked at me. His eyes were red and puffy from sobbing.

“It’s going to be okay,” I hugged him tight, leaning his head against my shoulder. He buried his face in my neck, still trembling badly.

“I…I don’t want to leave you…”

His voice was barely a whisper as he spoke into my ear. I felt warm tears welling up in my eyes. No, this wasn’t what I expected on his first day home. I didn’t know what to say.

“I know,” I said instead, rubbing his back to soothe him.

I wanted to try to make this as painless as possible. But I felt like everything was against me. Even Hoseok. Because how could I deny him pain when all he felt was pain.

“Come,” I said gently, “I’ve made dinner.”

Like a little child, I cooed him with soothing words and eventually he got out of bed. Clutching my hand, we made our way downstairs.

“Let’s watch a movie after dinner, shall we?” I suggested.

“I think that would be nice,” he smiled at me.

After dinner, we snuggled together in our blankets and curled up on the couch. We closed all the lights and made our living room into a theatre. It had been ages since we’ve had a together time like this.

But before the movie ended, Hoseok was already leaning against my chest as I lay on my back on the couch. His eyelids grew heavier and heavier. Pretty soon, he was snoring softly on top of me. I caressed his hair and brushed it away from his eyes. He had become so thin, so fragile. I could literally carry him to our bedroom. But I didn’t want to disturb him too much. He must have been so tired. I adjusted his head so that he was lying more comfortably. I cuddled right beside him as I wrapped the blanket around us.

“Goodnight, my love,” I whispered and kissed him softly on the cheek.

I stared at his peaceful face and I just felt like crying. If only everything was as it used to be. If only he were healthy again. If only I were stronger…

I shook my head and drove the thoughts away. Right now, ‘if onlys’ wouldn’t be much of a help. I wrapped my hands around Hoseok. I eventually closed my eyes and slipped into dreamland.

~