When Yoongi was still going to school and before he’d gotten his medication, most days he woke up with this feeling of dread hanging over him. It was inexplicable, but it was the force that kept him constantly fighting himself with trying to do even the most menial tasks like brushing his teeth. He never talked about it, he tried to internalize it for as long as he could and just shrug it off as being tired. The truth was that there was a debilitating, crippling grip of hopelessness strangling his mind. 

Today felt like one of those days. One he hadn’t had in so long, he’d almost forgotten what it felt like. Almost.

When he woke up, his mouth was dry and his body felt heavy. He laid there trying to muster all of his willpower to sit up in bed, that was always the hardest part. There wasn’t really a reason as to why he felt this way, and that was the annoying part about it. His medication wasn’t foolproof, he’d have bad days especially if there was something to trigger his mood, but he didn’t expect it.

Once he sat up, he kept the momentum going by swinging his feet over his bed and going to his kitchen for a glass of water. The clock on his microwave read eight in the morning. The sun was up but there was still that fall morning, gray-blue hue to the sky. His skin prickled with goosebumps from the temperature in his apartment, so he could only imagine how cold it was outside.

He finished the water and shuffled back to his bed where he crawled under the covers and tucked them under his chin. For a long time, he laid on his side and stared at his window, letting his thoughts wander to his childhood, his father, his illnesses, and then finally on Jimin. All of his fears and worries floated to the surface and he pulled the covers over his head in attempts to block them out. A childish move, he had to admit, but there was nothing else he could physically do to stop it. His mind was too weak, too far gone to try and make it stop.

Yoongi stuck his hand out from under the covers to reach his phone on the nightstand. He quickly sent a text to Hoseok before he could talk himself out of it and asked if he could help out around the studio. It was the first positive impulse he had since he’d woken up and he didn’t want to think of excuses to prevent him from doing something good. He knew it was important for him to be out in the world and socialize even if it was the last thing he wanted to do. Through multiple firsthand experiences, he’d already learned that locking himself away was the worst thing for him.

When he got confirmation that he could come over, Yoongi laid in bed for another half hour before forcing himself to go to the bathroom. Once he finished up in there, he made sure to take his antidepressants, then threw on jeans and a white T-shirt with the first pair of shoes his hands touched and headed out. 

---

As Yoongi entered Hoseok’s studio, he checked his phone for the time. It was 10:00AM which was an hour into the second morning class. Hoseok wasn’t the only instructor there, and often times the instructor changed depending on the day, so Yoongi never knew if Hoseok was teaching until he saw him in the studio.

He walked down the halls, checking each room until he found the one Hoseok was in. There were only three other people in there, probably for a private lesson or extra attention if they were struggling with the routine. Hoseok was sitting at a black table with a laptop and papers scattered around him. Yoongi knocked on the door and Hoseok glanced up from his work to the window. He waved Yoongi in, who sheepishly entered to apologize for interrupting.

“We haven’t started anything yet, I’m waiting for one more person.” He took in Yoongi’s appearance. To anyone else, he’d seem put together, but Hoseok could tell something was off with him, it showed in his eyes. He waited until Yoongi took a seat next to him before asking, “Bad day?”

“Really bad...one of the worst I’ve had since I started taking medication.” He ran a tired hand through his hair and Hoseok gave him a hopeful pat on the shoulder.

“You did right to come over. You shouldn’t be alone when you’re like that.” His eyes wandered to Yoongi’s wrist where the scars were just barely visible. Yoongi shyly flipped his hand over and changed the subject by nodding towards the three girls stretching, saying, “Private lessons?”

“I guess you could say that. They wanted me to help them build a choreography because they’re auditioning as a group at some idol company in a few weeks.” Yoongi perked up a bit upon remembering his own audition. Before he could mention it though, the fourth girl hastily walked in, bowed in apology, and went over to her group to start her own stretching. That was Hoseok’s cue to stand up and begin instructing them. He made them dance what they’d created on their own, refined moves he thought they weren’t hitting correctly, and then helped give them advice on how to build the rest of the choreography.

“If I tell you what moves to do, you won’t learn how to build a routine. My advice is to show you how to use the music’s theme and fluidity in order to move your body,” he told them while they struggled to think of moves. “Listen to the music, let your body move to it freely. You’re worried about looking stupid, but you’ll never get anywhere if you don’t have the basic moves down. You can always refine them later.” His voice was stern and rang out above the music playing in the background. His expression was serious, and his posture matched it with his arms folded across his chest as he carefully looked at the girls. If Yoongi hadn’t known any better, he would say Hoseok worked for an idol company as a dance instructor because of his intensity. He was never mean when he spoke, but he made sure no one walked into his class with any false ideas of what they could become just because they knew a few moves. 

When he saw the girls progressing, he decided to give them a break. They had thirty minutes to recover, so they left the room to grab lunch at a nearby cafe. Hoseok came back over to Yoongi and sat down at the table, ruffling through the papers as if he was looking for something.

“They’re not half bad,” Yoongi commented while he watched him.

“They’re good, but they’ve got a way to go. They expect to be told what to do instead of thinking up things on their own. They’ve got potential though,” he murmured. Once he found the paper he was looking for, he sat down with a pen. Yoongi still watched him, curious as to what he was doing but didn’t ask so as not to bother him. Hoseok answered Yoongi’s unspoken question, “I’m taking notes on them. The strengths and weaknesses of each girl to help them improve.”

“I see,” Yoongi replied. “You know, I’ve got an audition myself coming up…” At that, Hoseok’s head snapped up and his eyes widened in shock.

“Min Yoongi has an audition?”

“Yeah, that company in Seoul called Starstruck. They haven’t sent out how we’re supposed to apply yet, but I want to try. I’m tired of letting my fears hold me back. At least this time if I don’t make it I can say it wasn’t because I didn’t try.”

“I’m really happy for you Yoongi. You deserve to make it, you’ve worked really hard for it and I know you have what it takes to be successful.” Hoseok’s smile and praise made Yoongi blush and he tried to wave it off.

“It’s not a big deal, I probably won’t make it anyway, that company only takes the best of the best.”

“Doesn’t matter, it’s that you’re trying in the first place,” Hoseok replied as he looked back at his papers. Yoongi looked down at his lap and let his thoughts wander to what it would actually be like to make it. He didn’t really want to be an idol, he wanted to be a producer. The spotlight wasn’t his thing, he enjoyed making the music not performing it. At this point though, he didn’t really care. Whatever they wanted him to do, he’d do it.

Before he knew it, the girls had walked back in and were ready to finish their session. Hoseok stood back up and took his place next to them to help them refine some of their new movements. Yoongi watched with fascination until there was a knock on the door. Only Yoongi could hear it over the music, so he turned to see Taehyung waving at the window. He opened the door and was immediately greeted by the smell of barbecued pork.

“I brought lunch,” Taehyung said cheerily.

“And no sickness I hope?” 

“I’m all cured.” He smiled as if that proved his clean bill of health, but Yoongi barely noticed it. He was too focused on the food and Taehyung picked up on it.

“C’mon, let’s go eat this in Hoseok’s office. He’ll meet us when he’s done.”

“How do you know that?”

“I do this every day around the same time. I usually bring food that I’ve cooked though, not takeout.” Yoongi closed the door behind him and let Taehyung guide him to the elevator and then up to the second floor where Hoseok rented out an office space for himself. 

As Taehyung began unloading the food from the bag, he asked how Yoongi was doing with Jimin. 

“We’re doing well...he asked me to go visit Jungkook’s grave with him…”

“Ah really? That’s a big step for him.” Taehyung sat in Hoseok’s chair and gestured for Yoongi to take the couch. He ate a few bites with a thoughtful expression before speaking again. “I went to the funeral with him. He said he didn’t want to go alone, he couldn’t handle it all. I’d never seen him that broken before, Yoongi. I’m sure you have some idea of how their relationship was. Toxic doesn’t even begin to explain it, what with the emotional manipulation that was going on. Hoseok and I could see it and whenever we tried to tell Jimin, he just brushed it off. We knew that he could see it too, but he didn’t want to accept it. We knew that he would have to get himself out of it.”

Yoongi remembered what Jimin had said, that he’d seen Jungkook at the park and considered if a PTSD experience could have actually occurred. “Did he ever like...talk about seeing Jungkook places?” Yoongi asked casually. “Ya know how some people who are really close with dead loved ones see them at the store or on the street.”

“He had nightmares, but never hallucinated like that. He always talked about how real they felt, how he’d wake up crying a lot because of them, but that’s it.” Taehyung didn’t find the question suspicious. Yoongi just nodded in response and continued to eat.

---

Things were slightly better for Jimin at work. No presentation today which meant he’d been able to spend the entire day in his office by himself. Not that he wanted to be locked up alone, but he didn’t think he could adequately hold a conversation in this state. He felt too much internal confliction to pay attention to much. More than anything, he just wanted to see Yoongi again. With Yoongi, he wouldn’t have to talk. He could just be held and Yoongi would understand. Yoongi always understood.

He picked his phone up and sent Yoongi a quick text:

What would you say if I asked you to sleep over?

A few minutes passed and he got a response.

I’d say that I’d love to sleep over.

Jimin smiled at that, feeling reassured that he could always count on Yoongi. 

That’s great. I don’t really feel like being alone right now….I can pick you up when I get off from work.

I’m at Hoseok’s studio. I didn’t really feel like being alone today either…I’m with Tae in Hoseok’s office.

Okay, I’ll see you in about an hour.

See you then :)

Jimin felt a newfound burst of energy now that he had something to look forward to when he clocked out and quickly finished the rest of his work. He double checked everything to make sure it was correct and tidied up his area before leaving his office. 

Hoseok’s studio wasn’t too far from where Jimin worked so he made good time when he pulled into a parking spot. He walked in and headed to Hoseok’s office, knocking on the door before he entered.

“Come in,” Yoongi called out. Jimin entered and was surprised when he found Yoongi there by himself.

“Where’s Tae?”

“Went with Hoseok when he heard that he was teaching a group of kids.”

“Ah yeah, he does love kids.” Silence fell on them then while they looked at each other, Jimin unsure of what to say next and Yoongi just enjoying how nice Jimin looked.

“You look good in suits. I’ve always thought so since we met on the train.” He stood up and walked over to stand in front of Jimin, who looked away in shy embarrassment.

“Thank you...We should go though,” Jimin tried to turn to leave because suddenly he felt self-conscious, “I’m hungry.”

“What’s the rush?” Yoongi teased, taking his hand and leading him to the couch. “I want to hear about your day first...I’ve missed you.” Jimin smiled shyly.

“I missed you too. My day was pretty average, nothing crazy...I’m just kinda shaken up about the Jungkook thing still...it just doesn’t make sense to me. What about you?”

“I woke up in a really bad place mentally. The way I used to before I started taking medication.” Suddenly, Yoongi’s voice took on a tired tone. He took Jimin’s hand in his and gently swiped his thumb across the back of it as if to comfort himself. “I had to force myself to get out of bed cause I knew I’d probably hurt myself if I stayed at home alone.” He put the palm of Jimin’s hand against his cheek and sighed into his touch. “I’m tired of hurting myself Jimin...I really am…”

Jimin scooted closer, almost positioned on Yoongi’s lap, and put his other hand on Yoongi’s face. He looked at him for a few moments and then kissed him.

“You don’t have to anymore, you have people to help you,” he said once he pulled back.

“Mhmmm, you’re right about that,” Yoongi said with a small smile. “What’s with the sudden affection?”

“I don’t know, you were sad and I wanted to make you feel better.”

“It definitely worked,” Yoongi laughed and leaned in for another kiss. Jimin kissed him back, moving his hands to wrap around Yoongi’s neck to bring him closer. Yoongi grabbed Jimin’s hips and pulled him onto his lap. He let himself get lost in Jimin’s touch and taste and slowly began to forget about all his problems. Jimin too was giving in to his desire for Yoongi’s touch, he’d craved it since he spent the night at his place. He liked how gentle Yoongi was and how he made Jimin feel wanted. However, something in his body was telling him he should stop, and he couldn’t figure it out until he remembered where he was.

“Yoongi…” Jimin pulled away to try and stop.

“Hmm?” he hummed into Jimin’s neck as he began placing kisses there.

“Hoseok might...walk in…” Yoongi’s hands were traveling under Jimin’s shirt, making it hard for him to keep a steady breath.

“Then should I lock the door?”

“Too late,” Hoseok said from the other side of the room. Jimin’s back was to the door and he was too embarrassed to turn around, so he hid his face in Yoongi’s neck. Yoongi, on the other hand, looked at Hoseok straight on with an annoyed expression.

“You’ve got timing.”

---

After the incident at Hoseok’s office, a very embarrassed Jimin drove them to his place. He made them sushi for dinner, per Yoongi’s request. Part of him wanted to continue what happened in the office, but another wanted to cuddle. The compromise was to lay on Yoongi’s chest and every so often share a handful of kisses while they talked. It was during one of these kisses that Jimin confessed something he’d been meaning to do for a while.

“I want to go to counseling,” he said, his gaze trained on Yoongi’s eyes.

“Why’s that?” 

“I think it’s the only way I’ll really get over all this.” He reached up to run his fingers through Yoongi’s hair as he spoke. “I’ve tried dealing with it on my own, but it hasn’t been working. In the beginning, I thought it was silly to say that I had trauma from our relationship, but that’s exactly what it is. The sooner I start addressing it by its proper name, the sooner I can address a way to get rid of it. I don’t wanna live with this...weight on my chest anymore.”

“I know what you mean.” Yoongi closed his eyes at Jimin’s soothing touch. “If you think you’re ready to deal with everything head on, then I’ll support you as best I can.” He reached for the hand Jimin was using to play with his hair and gently brought it to his lips to kiss his wrist. Then he yawned.

“If you’re sleepy, we can go to bed.”

“I won’t be able to sleep well, I left my pills at home.”

“Why didn’t you say something before? We could have gotten them on the way home.”

“S’not a big deal, I got by before I had them, I’ll survive the night.” 

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. I just want you right now.” He pulled Jimin in closer to him and rested his chin on his head. “I just want you.”