Jimin didn’t know how long he’d been sitting outside crying, but he assumed it had been a fairly long time because his hands and face were numb. The tears had dried on his cheeks and added an extra stinging sensation to his body whenever a gust of wind blew.

If he was being honest, he wasn’t really sure why he was crying. There were multiple reasons, but he couldn’t pinpoint if one was more important than the other. Yoongi was mad at him and the wound he’d been working so hard to heal from Jungkook was ripped open and bleeding again. When Jungkook first died, Namjoon was who he went to. He trusted his opinion and advice on just about everything because he was older and wise for his age. No matter what it was, he always seemed to know what to say. Even on the occasions where it was something Jimin didn’t want to hear, he knew that Namjoon was right.

He had left his phone in their room and had been debating whether or not it was worth risking dealing with Yoongi after their fight, but after not being able to console himself, he figured he didn’t have another choice.

Reluctantly, Jimin headed back to their room and paused before opening the door. He made a relieved sigh when he saw that Yoongi wasn’t there but then began to wonder where he could have gone. There weren’t many places on board, so he couldn’t have gone far. He’d find him after he talked to Namjoon.

He reached for his phone on their shared nightstand and climbed into bed, wrapping the covers around his cold body. He called Namjoon, put him on speaker, and set the phone on the pillow next to him.

“Hey Jimin,” he said cheerily.

“Hey hyung,” Jimin said, his voice cracking. Namjoon immediately heard the sadness in his voice and became alert.

“What’s wrong?”

“I don’t really know…I…I’m scared.”

“Scared of what?”

“To feel. It hurts.” Jimin began sniffling as a few silent tears streamed down his face.

“Hang on, I’m coming over.”

“Don’t, I’m not home.”

“Where are you?”

“On a ferry set for Donghae.”

“Why are you on a ferry…?”

“Business trip.”

“Still? You left for that trip almost two weeks ago, aren’t you usually home by now?”

“Yeah but…I ran into some complications. The train broke down and I couldn’t take a plane on such short notice where I was located and…that’s why I’m here.”

“I’m sorry Jimin.”

“It’s okay.” It was quiet for a bit and the only sound to break it was Jimin’s sniffles every once in a while when he thought about Jungkook or Yoongi.

“Jimin, what upset you?”

“I met someone.”

“What do you mean, like a guy?”

“Yeah. His name is Yoongi and he’s really cute and he makes his own music. He’s got a weird sense of humor, but he makes me feel…I don’t know, he makes me feel like Jungkook used to make me feel when we weren’t fighting and when stuff seemed to be okay. I’m happy around him and I always get this warm feeling when he looks at me a certain way or when he touches me.”

“Does he like you in that way too?”

“I’m pretty sure.”

“Then what’s the issue?”

“I can’t let go of Jungkook. I’ve spent so much time loving him, I…I don’t think I know how to love anyone else.” There was more silence and then a sigh.

“I’ll never understand why you loved him so much.”

“I don’t think I will either,” Jimin said honestly. He sighed. “He was just so charming with me, it was kind of hard not to fall for him. It was like falling down a beautifully decorated hole. Everything seems great and you don’t want to leave but then you realize it’s not as pretty as you thought and the more you try to escape, the more you ruin the beauty of it all from scratching your way out of it and you just settle for waiting it out.”

Namjoon paused at that. He was stunned by Jimin’s analogy, but he had to admit that it made sense. He could tell based on Jimin’s behavior when he went from trying to escape to settling. He smiled and laughed less, he was only really happy and excited when he was dancing.

“Do you think Yoongi is a good guy?”

“Yes.”

“Do you think he’d hurt you?”

“No.”

“Then why not try it out?”

“Because in the back of my mind, I’ll always be thinking about Jungkook and feeling guilty.”

“You’re talking like you’re responsible for him or something.”

“I am,” Jimin said without thinking.

“What do you mean?” Namjoon asked. Jimin thought about whether or not he should confess what had happened on that night. How it was his fault that Jungkook left and it was his fault that Jungkook got hit because he didn’t try hard enough to make him stay. He didn’t try hard enough to make him happy.

“Jimin?” Namjoon’s voice was concerned at the sounds Jimin wasn’t even aware he was making. He’d started hyperventilating and choking on his own sobs.

“It’s…my fault…he’s dead.”

“How is it your fault?”

Jimin wiped his nose on his shirt and tried to compose himself. “That night when he died, he was going to leave me, and I was drunk and told him to leave and to never come back. It’s my fault that he got hit, if I had just forgiven him for the things he’d said and did, he would have stayed, he wouldn’t have died, I’d still have him, I-” Jimin’s body racked with sobs.

“You and I both know that’s not true. He was always threatening to leave and your relationship with him wasn’t healthy, and you know that too. You weren’t driving the car, he wasn’t your responsibility. You didn’t owe him anything. Even if you two had the perfect relationship, you still wouldn’t owe him anything because you don’t owe anyone anything in this world. Because who’s to say Jungkook wouldn’t have died on his way back home to you?” He had a point there. If Jungkook was meant to die in a freak accident like that, then it could have happened at any time.

“I guess that’s true.” Jimin sniffled again.

“I think you should take a chance with this. I’ve seen you sad about this for too long, I’ll swim to the ferry myself and make you take a chance.” Jimin could hear the smile in Namjoon’s voice and wiped his tears away as he smiled too.

“It can’t hurt, Jimin. What do you have to lose?”

“Nothing, really.”

“Then for the sake of your sanity, Jiminie, try knowing a life without Jungkook in it.” Namjoon, more than anyone who knew Jimin, had been rooting for him to get over Jungkook even while they were still together. Like Hoseok, Namjoon had experienced many nights where Jimin would sleep over because he didn’t want to go back home to an empty bed. Many nights where he’d gone over to Jimin’s house because he’d been crying about how no matter how hard he tried, it never felt like his love was never reciprocated. Namjoon had wanted only for Jimin to be happy and this was the biggest step Jimin had taken since Jungkook’s death to knowing someone else romantically. He figured this mystery boy could be Jimin’s saving grace.

“What’s his name?” Namjoon asked suddenly.

“Yoongi.”

“Hmmm…”

“What?”

“I’m trying to think of a ship name.”

“I’m hanging up now.”

“No! Wait, how do you like the sound of Jiyoo…or Mingi…”

“Namjoon, I-”

“I got it! Yoonmin! You two can be Yoo-” Jimin hung up before Namjoon could finish the sentence, but it wasn’t because he was annoyed. In fact, Namjoon had managed to turn Jimin’s mood around in mere minutes. He had an effect like that though, he was known for being able to give advice on just about anything.

Although Jimin felt a little better about the whole situation, he still didn’t feel like himself. He’d stopped crying, but he still felt a sadness within him. He was also scared to try something new, something that wasn’t Jungkook. Every time he thought about Yoongi, he could only think about their fight. Yoongi was right to say what he did, Jimin had been unfair to him. He’d been nothing but honest with him and Jimin could never return the favor. He’d always given Yoongi vague responses and held back the truth when Yoongi was an open book to him.

Jimin hugged his pillow to his chest and rolled over on his back to stare at the ceiling. Maybe this is good for me, he thought, maybe it is better if I move on. His stomach churned at the thought of the new experience, of the thought of his life not involving Jungkook and involving someone else. If he was being honest, it scared him, but in a good way. Like your first time riding a roller coaster, how you get butterflies in your stomach but once you’re on the ride, you want to keep riding it.

He figured he'd look for Yoongi then and had a good guess to check the restaurant first, seeing as that’s where the alcohol was, so he climbed out of bed and made his way to the top deck.