“What?”

“I said, come to Jungkook’s grave with me.” Jimin’s voice was much softer now and he could feel the burn in his throat from the strain of yelling.

“Why?”

“Because…I don’t want to go by myself.”

“Didn’t you go by yourself before?” Jimin shook his head. He was growing more nervous about his admission by the second and felt the tickle of regret climbing at the back of his mind.

“Hoseok went with me last year because I told him I couldn’t do it on my own.”

“So why ask me? Why not ask Hoseok again?” Jimin hesitated at that and it was a long time before he answered, so long that Yoongi thought he wasn’t going to answer.

“I’d feel more comfortable if I went with you. Hoseok’s never experienced loss and he never liked Jungkook anyway. He was respectful about it when we went, but I could tell he was unhappy with me. You get it though, because of your own experiences and you’re more understanding about Jungkook and I. Even now, knowing what you do about our history, you’re still really patient and nonjudgmental and I don’t know, I just...trust you.” Jimin could feel his cheeks heating up and hoped he wasn’t as red as he felt. He crossed his arms over his chest and balled his hands into fists as if the strain of the action would keep him calm, but it didn’t.

“Alright, fine. When is it?” Yoongi asked as he let out a breath. The tension he felt was evident in his posture when he took a seat on the edge of the couch.

“In two weeks.”

“Do I have to wear something specific? I mean I know it’s not a funeral, but I feel like going in jeans might be disrespectful. I’m not familiar with these kinds of things. I’ve never…” Yoongi trailed off as he thought about his father’s funeral and his grave. He hadn’t been since he graduated. Part of him didn’t feel a need to because he wasn’t around his mother to feel guilty about it anymore and another part of him didn’t want to face it.

“You’ve never been to your father’s grave,” Jimin finished for him quietly. Yoongi nodded, partially embarrassed about it.

“It’s just that I...I don’t know how to explain it, but-”

“You don’t have to explain it,” Jimin reassured. “You don’t always need a reason for your actions when grief is involved. It’s special in that way.” Jimin said the last bit thoughtfully and more to himself than to Yoongi. They were quiet again, Jimin standing by Yoongi’s front door trying to work out the nerves he felt and Yoongi perched on his cushions as if at any moment he might take off and start pacing again. His elbows were rested on his knees and he’d placed his chin in his hands as he gathered his thoughts.

“Have you ever really thought about grief?” he asked finally.  

“What do you mean?”

“Just in general...I mean...even when I’m at my happiest it doesn’t feel as intense as the sadness I feel when I’m at my lowest. Don’t you think that’s kinda ed?”

“A little…” Jimin finally moved away from the door and sat next to Yoongi. “I think it might just be easier to recall sadness than it is to recall happiness.”

“But why?” Yoongi turned to look at Jimin now and the earnest expression his eyes held made Jimin’s chest ache for him. He could see that Yoongi was looking for an answer to his pain, for an explanation as to why he seemed to feel so much more of it than he did anything else. Why was his mind so ready and adjusted to taking it?

“I...I don’t know. Maybe it’s an evolutionary thing.” It was a lame answer, Jimin knew that, but it was the best he could come up with.

“What advantage would that give?”

“Experiencing grief was kind of like survival. If you eat the wrong thing, you get sick, and it sticks in your mind not to eat it. You do something that hurts you and it stays in your mind to avoid that trigger. It makes sense I think if you look at it that way.”

“That’s even more ed then.”

“Which part?”

“The fact that such a positive and pure emotion such as happiness doesn’t even have an evolutionary advantage, no practical use, it just is and that’s all it can ever be.”

“I think happiness has a purpose.”

“Yeah? What’s that?”

“To make life worth living.” Jimin’s voice sounded small to him, but to Yoongi his words felt like a scream that echoed throughout his mind. Suddenly, it clicked for him as to why he was so drawn to Jimin. When Yoongi was with him, he was happy, and if his theory was true, then it meant that Yoongi not only felt happiness but a will to live.

They’d never broken eye contact and suddenly Yoongi felt an overwhelming urge to touch Jimin, to be closer to him than he was. Before he could talk himself out of it, he reached over and hugged Jimin around his neck. It was only after a few moments of surprise that Jimin hugged him back, wrapping his arms around Yoongi's waist and leaning into his touch.

“You’re very special, Jimin. I hope life doesn’t take away that part of you.” Yoongi pulled away and looked at Jimin again with a sense of longing. He couldn’t tell if it was because he wanted Jimin or because he wanted to feel the way Jimin did about life.

“You’re special too, Yoongi.”

“How do you figure that?”

“I think you have an advantage in being able to see the world the way you do. I’m too hopeful sometimes and it’s gotten me into situations that I could have avoided had I just...seen the reality of the situation.” He gingerly rubbed the back of his neck as he admitted this and Yoongi put his hand on top of Jimin’s head.

“Listen to me, Jimin,” he started softly. “There’s nothing wrong with you being hopeful, even in bad situations. Having hope gives you something to work towards so everything doesn’t seem so ty. It’s not a flaw you have, it’s a gift.” Yoongi paused for a few more moments before dropping his hand and standing up without a word. He walked to his bedroom, leaving Jimin dumbfounded on his couch. He had never seen his optimism as a gift, it was more like a hindrance to him. It hurt him more than it helped him because people often took his kindness for weakness. He was hopelessly hopeful with just about everything and he couldn’t help it no matter how hard he tried.

Yoongi appeared in the room again a few moments later and saw Jimin in his pensive state. “You alright?” he asked to which Jimin made a tired sound of agreement.

“I wanna show you something,” Yoongi said with a smile forming on his face. Jimin gave him a skeptical look.

“What is it?”

“Come and find out,” Yoongi taunted. He withdrew back into the hallway towards his room and Jimin clumsily stood up and followed him. When he reached the doorway of Yoongi’s room, he stopped for a moment as the memory of the scene from this morning floated to the surface of his consciousness. Something about seeing another man in bed next to Yoongi stung. It was fair, Jimin had never asked to make anything official, but it felt like Yoongi had lead him on only to wind up with someone else. It felt like Jungkook all over again.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Yoongi asked gently as he tried to take hold of Jimin’s hand. To his surprise, Jimin shied away from Yoongi’s touch.

“Yeah I’m fine, what did you wanna show me?” Yoongi paused to try and decide whether or not he should push it and decided against it, much to Jimin’s relief.

“You said you wanted to know more about writing music, right? Well, this is it,” Yoongi said as he gestured to the area behind him which until then had been blocked by his body. Now that he’d stepped aside, Jimin could see a large desk, scattered with technology. He had a desktop setup with a big monitor and a large soundboard to its right. A professional looking microphone sat on a stand which was clipped to his desk and a pair of headphones were hung over the arm of the stand.

“You make your music here?”

“Yep.”

“All of it?” Jimin was in awe of how Yoongi’s small setup could produce the music he’d heard on the train. He sat down in the chair and skimmed his fingers over the soundboard, his curiosity peaked by all of the buttons and switches.

“Yes, unfortunately. I can’t afford a professional studio so I work with this.” Yoongi leaned over and turned his monitor on. He reached for the mouse and began moving around his desktop to open different programs.

“This one helps with beats, this one helps with recording my voice and getting rid of ambient sound, and this one helps with putting it all together into a song,” he said as he scrolled over the different pages.

“How’d you learn how to do all of this?” Jimin asked, overwhelmed by the look of the programs.

“Youtube,” Yoongi replied with a wide grin. Jimin rolled his eyes at that and turned his attention back on the screen. There were so many things to look at that Jimin didn’t know which to ask about first.

“Can you show me how you do it all?”

“I can do one better.”

“What?”

“You can record something and I’ll turn it into a song.”

“But I...I don’t sing.” Jimin was blushing already from being put on the spot about his talent.

“Well, not yet you don’t. I’ve heard you hum, they’re basically the same thing. Just sing something into the microphone.”

“Like what?”

“Here, try this,” Yoongi said as he reached up above his setup where a shelf was placed. On it was a handful of journals Jimin assumed were full of songs. The journal Yoongi chose was green. He opened it and flipped through the first few pages before handing it to Jimin.

“Read these lines,” he directed with an encouraging smile. Jimin glanced over the lines a few times and then looked up at Yoongi.

“Is there a specific tune you had in mind for this?”

“Not really, you can make up the melody however you want.”

“Okay.” Jimin returned his attention back to the lyrics and began nodding his head to the different rhythms he thought about in his head until he found one he liked. He leaned forward into the mic and sang the lyrics, his voice sounding crystal clear. His sound was unique, anyone could tell, but it was a sweet sound that Yoongi felt like he could listen to all the time.

“I’m sorry, my voice was kind of shaky, I was nervous,” Jimin explained, flustered by his performance, as he set the journal down on the desk.

“It was beautiful Jimin, it sounded better than you think. Look.” Yoongi went to the audio recording and played it back so Jimin could hear it. He watched Jimin’s expression turn from embarrassment to surprise as the clip played.

“That’s what I sound like?”

“Mhm. It’s pretty, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, it is,” Jimin replied shyly. “So now what do we do?”

“Now I would work on a beat, but that takes a long time.”

“Well I don’t have anywhere to go,” Jimin said with a small smile forming on his lips. Yoongi mirrored his expression and then turned to fiddle with the faders on the soundboard.

“Then I guess we’re gonna make some music.”