Taeyeon's POV

italics= flashback
bold = Taeyeon's unspoken words

==============================================

Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away, and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then in silence, I can only hope, my eyes will speak my heart.

---- Anonymous

An accustomed waft of scent invaded my nose followed by a mantle of warmth which envelops my body. While my eyelids were struggling to draw up, I found my head being shifted to a more comfortable position, Tiffany’s broad shoulders. A sense of security kicked in as I let my eyes flutter shut again, feigning ignorance so as to maintain this momentarily feeling of blissfulness to be in her arms. What I had not expected, was the feeling of her soft lips against the scalp of my top. It triggered bountiful incoherent thoughts and emotions, surging through my heart in waves. Tiffany does love me, loving me the same way as I do. It had very much substantiated Sooyoung’s claim during the day.

***

“Psst…. Saw that Taeyeon?” Sooyoung scrolled her eyes to the direction of the two girls chatting enjoyably under the tree. I could not see anything extraordinary about them, thus I lifted my brows at my taller friend, seeking for something which I failed to notice.

“They seem to be enjoying just by looking at us. Are we like their idols or something?” I almost wanted to snigger at my friend’s portrayal of haughtiness. However, after carefully taking a glance at them, I was amazed to see two pair of lingering eyes on us, with a familiar pair of crescent slits directing on me. Her chin was propped nicely on her palms with the elbows on the knees as support, heart-shaped lips curving up as her cheeks flush in a slight tinge of pink. Our eyes met again for the umpteenth time and I could not help but broke out in a bashful grin. That sight of Tiffany is always adorable and captivating, soaking my heart in the heat of infatuation.

“So did you see Tiffany’s love-strucked eyes?” Sooyoung inched towards me, her voice almost like a whisper. I wanted to nod in reply, however I hesitated. Apparently, I knew the connotation behind those words, but if I were to bob my head in agreement, it would mean that I had acknowledge the fact that there was something more than mere friendship behind Tiffany’s hazel eyes. Then again, it made me draw my attention to Tiffany’s subtle yet unexplainable behaviours throughout the day.

***

Being under Tiffany’s care and attention has been an ordinary thing, but perhaps, after four disheartening years without her presence, I have somehow begun to cherish and appreciate her little thoughtful actions even more. They seem to carry a greater significance as compared to before. I always know that Tiffany puts her heart in whatever things she does such as showing concern to others. There is no lack of passion, even to miniature beings like puppies. Thus, I had always believed that I was just plainly lucky to be on the receiving end of her immeasurable love. However, Sooyoung’s statement highlighted something different about Tiffany, the fact that there is still some exception for me when it comes to showing her affection.

***

“Tiffany becomes a mute when it comes to love.” I blinked my eyes in disbelief at my lanky friend. In any case, I have always deemed my eye smiling friend as a boisterous and loud person, with all the expressions written on her face. Logically speaking, it doesn't hold up that Tiffany is speechless when it comes to showing her inner feelings. However, among everything in this world, love is something that has no hard and fast theories to it. There are no rules to play by, no definite lines in between. It is more of a porous entity that anyone could fall deep into without recognising or grasping it fully. Hence, it is only comprehensible that both Tiffany and I have been befuddled by the complexities in this element of love, behaving in uncharacteristically ways that we should not have.

“C’mon buddy, you may be mute but you aren’t blind. I am sure you can see Tiffany’s distinctive adoration for you.” Sooyoung hung her long arms around my small shoulders effortlessly, as she led me back to join up with the other two.

I help my taller friend unpack the countless bags of food that they have bought before laying boxes of food on the dining table, which was threatening to collapse by the excessive amount of foodstuff.

“Sooyoungie, had we bought a little too much? Are you sure we can finish them all?” Sunny nudge at her partner while distributing the cutleries.

“Yah… We’re having a party for Tiffany yea? This is what I call a party!” The short hair lady plopped down on one of the chairs with a chicken drumstick in her hands.

“Help yourselves girls.. Before my over-eating sweetie gobbles up everything.”

Tiffany cut up the pizza before distributing them to everyone. This is just something typical from a Tiffany who always places others before self. However, Sooyoung thought the otherwise.

“Yah. Fany ah… Why does Taengoo get more capsicum and mushrooms on her pizza?”

I look at my pizza which was threatening to overflow with additional toppings that my friend had scrapped from the leftovers.

“Uhm because Taeyeon likes them?” Tiffany shyly looked at her own plate before placing the small piece of crust in .

***

Sooyoung has been teasing us since we were young, but none of us took her statements critically as we were once innocent and ignorant about the significance of love. As kids, we often used the words, ‘like’ and ‘love’ interchangeably as we assumed that they carried equal value. Such as Sooyoung’s ‘I love food’, which she always utter through her lips. However, as we age, we begin to draw some distinctions between ‘liking someone’ and ‘loving someone’. In spite of this, I always know that the fondness I have for Tiffany lies closer to the definition of love. Because when it comes to the person we love, we could not bare our hearts as easily as we yearned to. There is always a little apprehension, a little reservation about extending our hearts to where it desires to be.  

This is the kind of anxiety that I am experiencing now.

Knowing Tiffany’s well-hidden parallel affections should have been a jovial and blissful feeling. After all, this feeling is a whole lot better than having a one-sided love for her. The question of whether Tiffany reciprocates the same sentiments has always been raise in my head from time to time. Now that I have finally known the answer, the burden on my little heart has eased a little. Moreover, this realisation has somehow magnified even the most trivial kind of actions by Tiffany. Being in her arms in the cold breezy night may seem as something really simple and perhaps, meaningless to others. But for me, it was one of the best nights lying in the arms of someone who carries the same amount of sentiments just for me.

I think this is true love.

I tried to drift off to sleep under her soft delicate touches on my hair coupled with the light pulses from her neck. However, those undulating heartbeats within my ribs are keeping me awake instead. I slowly felt Tiffany’s hands going at a slower pace before letting it slip through my locks and fall idly on my shoulder. Keeping my eyes shut, I listen to the smooth and steady heartbeats of hers harmonising with my irregular ones.

Tiffany, I have been keeping all those fondness and affections for you because I didn’t know how to express them, especially when I could not show it verbally. Are there better ways that I can do to show you the kind of love you truly deserve?

I love you.

I really do.

But you can’t hear it.

Turning off the stove, I carefully place the omelette on the plate before garnishing it with some peppers. Tiffany’s lively voice echoed through the hall and I turned around intuitively.

“Good morning Taetae…! Is my outfit ok?” Tiffany adjusts her navy blue half skirt that aligns perfectly with her white chiffon blouse. She looks both professional and sweet at the same time, very much presentable enough for her job interview later. I nodded at her before placing the breakfast I made on the table. She looks cutely at the shiny surface of the fridge to check herself out and that draws me closer to her. I brush her wavy brown hair and adjust the already neat collars of her blouse, so as to not look stupid standing beside her, doing nothing but watching with my mouth agape.  

“Morning dad!” Tiffany greeted her dad while my hands are still awkwardly stuck on her shoulders. I smiled at him too before making my way to the dining table.

“Hope everything goes well for you later.” Mr Hwang softly commented as he took some toasts from the plates.

“I will do my best.” An eye smile was visible on her face once more. I love her just like that. She is always full of positivity, and confidence elicits from her aura. At times, I wished I had those traits of hers too.

“Have you been searching for other jobs too?”

“Uh… I did send one or two resumes the other day….”

“The other day? Then what have you been doing for the past few days?”

“My foot was injured…. How can I…”

“Oh.. so you would rather go out with Taeyeon than to look for jobs with your injured foot?”

“Dad…! Going out with Taeyeon isn’t something bad….” Tiffany eyes darkened with her lips slightly drooping. A deep long sigh escaped from and she exhaled nosily. She was definitely infuriated.

It was my idea to take her out. I gestured to Mr Hwang as I tried to explain for Tiffany. All I wanted to do was to lighten the tense atmosphere.

“Don’t try to help her Taeyeon. You’ve been spoiling her since young. And you. You have not been drawing for the past few days, right? Since when have you been so irresponsible Taeyeon?”

 “Yah! Daddy! Are you trying to be unreasonable here? It was about me in the first place. Why talk about Taetae now?”

“Fine. It just doesn’t pay off to nag as a father or a guardian.” Mr Hwang took his last sip of coffee before getting up from the table hastily to prepare for work. I understood where the middle-aged man was coming from. All these years, he tried to provide the best for the both of us. It is only understandable that he is concern and uptight for our lives and careers.

I heard another deep sigh from the girl beside me once more. I could feel her frustrations and it is always painful to see the person we love feeling unhappy. It is almost like I have become a part of Tiffany’s soul.

I reach for her hand under the table before giving it a light squeeze. She slowly lifted her chin to face me and I sincerely gave her a smile, hoping to cheer her up somehow. I could feel the tug on my lips getting wider when she broke out in her angelic smile. Her eyes were softer and my heart melted. They say falling in love makes one a fool. I certainly feel like one, laughing and then crying in the split of a second. It was not that I haven’t felt this way before, just the fact that it has become more tremendous and impactful as time progresses.

We walk the last bit of path that leads to the hospital, pacing ourselves down as the building nears so that we could spend a little more time in each other’s accompaniment. Our arms were linked as usual and it looks like a normal intimacy between two friends. However, I am sure that we both know the deeper significance in each and every contact we had.

Tiffany turn to me and our eyes are on the same level, one of the rare times for me, as the taller girl has heeded my advice of wearing flats since she has just recovered from her foot injury. I grabbed hold of this opportunity to place my hands on the top of her head and she took me by surprise by pulling me closer with her hands on my shoulders.

“Little taetae…. No matter what you’re still shorter than me. That’s a fact.” She pulled her tongue out at me and I could only pout in defeat.

I took a glance at my watch before pointing it at her indicatively.

It’s about time.

She unwilling remove her hands on my shoulders but clasped our hands together instead, swinging them lightly as she broke out in a nervous chuckle.

“Alrights… I can’t help but to feel the jitters now. Taeyeon ah… Can you show me some encouragement?”

Since I could not verbalise the typical ‘hwaiting!’ that others often do, the only thing that comes to my mind was the little ‘encouragement’ dance I created when we were younger. My scalp itches and I scratch my head while looking at Tiffany’s anticipating eyes. Doing that dance at the main entrance of the hospital certainly sounds absurd. I close my eyes and took in a deep breath.

All for you Tiffany.

I took a step back to fully face her and slowly place my fists on my waist. I then went on to do a series of actions that others would deem as weird, lifting my arms, shaking my and waist while the girl in front of me could only hold onto her stomach, laughing as hard as she could. I do not get why it entertains her so much when this was not the first time she has seen me doing it. However, if it could generate the moral strength that she needs for her interview later, I would not mind doing it wholeheartedly despite looking ridiculous.

I ended the dance with a customary big jump and mouth ‘hwaiting!’ at the same time. Even without looking into the reflections, I knew that my face was a red as a tomato under many pairs of on-looking eyes who were trying to make sense of my fanatical actions earlier.

Tiffany inched nearer to look at me with her teary eyes, the aftermath of hysterical laughing I supposed, or there could be an element of being emotionally touched and moved by my most genuine form of support.

“Wait for my good news.” She calmly assured me after in a deep breath.

I was sitting patiently outside the interview room that Tiffany had gone in. Waiting for Tiffany to end her interview should have been a short one but it seems eternal when my idle mind began to wander off on its own. It has been a few days ever since I have known about Tiffany’s true affections. However, this consciousness has been haunting me. It was the exact same kind of fretfulness and fear that taunted me before reuniting with Tiffany. What was I apprehensive about? In fact, I was afraid of many things. Perhaps I have been bottling up those feelings for so long that they seemed to have coagulated at the bottle neck. People often say, ‘To let go of fear one must learn to liberate their heart.’ If only unlocking a hidden heart could have been so easy. It certainly sounds ironic that I love Tiffany but I am afraid to love her. I am afraid of love. At times, I wonder if I would have behaved the same way if I could speak.

Would I have been much bolder and more courageous to show her my love?

Nothing seems to help me run from how I feel

Deep inside I just can’t seem to break this shield

Every mixed emotion bottled up inside

So much pain they bring and all because I pried

After a long wait, I finally saw my friend strutting confidently out of the interview room. With no time wasted, she made a dash towards me and enveloped me in the warmest embrace.

“I’ve made it Taetae! I am starting work tomorrow!” Tiffany’s loud voice almost deafened my ears as she could not hide her excitement anymore. However, I did not mind any bit of it when I could feel her ecstasy too.

“You know what Taeyeon? You’re the one who made this possible. You’re my strength.”

Tiffany rubs her thumbs on my cheeks and slowly pulls my face nearer to hers. I found myself getting lost in her eyes which were full of passion and sincerity. She then tilted her head leaned closer, I flutter my eyes shut instinctively. I had no idea what she was trying to do but I was awaiting something expectant. In an instant, I felt some moisture on my left cheek and all was too fast as I try to relish the earlier tingling sensation that proliferated through my face.

“Thank you Taetae.” She snuggled against the crook of my neck as I stood still in that everlasting moment.

Strength. If I could be the vital strength that helped Tiffany through her challenges, could she be my strength to untie those knots that I had accrued within my heart?

The street was bustling despite being an ordinary weekday. My morning has been meaningful as I did a few portraits of tourists from various countries. There was this little Japanese girl who sat eagerly on the stool waiting to be drawn. Her cheeks were radiating with happiness and her eyes were full of enthusiasm. She looked just like any other typical kid as I try to sketch those beautiful outlines of her features. It was only when I had finished the sketch for her, she took a ninety-degree bow at me to show her gratitude.

Despite no words being exchanged, our eyes seem to have established a silent conversation. Even if I could speak, we would not have been able to converse properly since we shared no common language.

She took a piece of paper from me. I watched on as she folded it with her nifty hands. She then covered her completed origami with her small hands as she looked at me with her eager eyes. I comprehended her intention and extended my hand, before feeling the weight of that light piece of work she had just deposited. Before she waved goodbye to me with her mother, her amiable smile was left etched in my mind. I looked at the heart-shaped origami on my palm, and I could genuinely see the little girl’s uniquely shown gratitude. Her little actions penetrated my heart more effectively than any other ‘Thank you’ in different languages that I have received throughout my artist career. It has somehow dawned on me that determination and sincerity could carry sentiments and affections further, and conceivably, breaking down barriers that each of us subconsciously attempted to construct.

Including my psychological barriers?

I took one more look at the paper origami before slotting it into my pocket. I felt a quick vibration and took out my mobile mechanically. It was a text message from Tiffany.

4 more hrs towards freedom! My morning has been boring from the orientation tours around the hospital. =/ Have you taken ur lunch taetae?”

I ate some fried squids. =) Fany hwaiting! It’s juz 4 more hrs! ^.^

Thanks Taetae. U too. Oh! I’m going on an assignment soon! My 1^st assignment! Wee! Cya later =P uhm… Take care…. I miss u :blush:

I miss u too…..

I let my thumb float over the flat screen, wavering if I should send that message. I have no qualms when it comes to showering Tiffany with care, but they were mostly through my deeds and behaviour. If speaking meaningful words is difficult, writing or typing them is equally arduous for me. Because words meant a lot to me, as I use them sparingly. Habitually, I let those emotions that I wanted to express fall flatly in front of Tiffany. They were often left hanging awkwardly mid-way. Perhaps, I should try to be like that little Japanese girl, extending out each and every sentiment without reservations.

I tap on the ‘send’ tab before placing my mobile back to my pocket, smiling. I hope this is a good stepping stone to amass greater courage in extending out my heart to Tiffany.

I tried to tell you just how much you mean

I tried to show you the colours that you bring

No matter what you’re thinking

Every time I’ve tried to show you the way I feel inside

Hugging the folded easel in my arms, I prance around the precincts of the hospital before settling down on a bench in the garden. My heart erupted in a small joy when I spotted Tiffany from afar, talking to a young lady on a wheelchair. She was listening conscientiously to the patient, nodding her head from time to time while trying to converse with the latter. The young lady seems to be of the same age as us. Despite looking downwards dejectedly, I could see her sharp and attractive features and her skin is in a healthy shade of bronze. It is indeed a pity that such a young promising girl is wheelchair-bounded. However, I am sure a compassionate Tiffany would be able to render necessary assistance to the girl.

While waiting, I draw out my notepad from the bag and reach for my dark pencil at one fell swoop. From traces to deeper sketches, I gradually pencil in the image of Tiffany making an effort to placate the forlorn looking patient. Lifting my head occasionally, I place all my attention on my favourite pastime without taking notice of an incoming person until I heard a familiar voice.

“Some exquisite drawing you have there…” I turn my head at the direction of the baritone voice, it was Mr Lee, Sunny’s father who is the director of the biggest hospital in Seoul.

I immediately sprang up on my feet and give a courteous bow to acknowledge his presence.

“Taeyeon ah… You really love drawing don’t you? I have one of your works hanging in my office which was given to me by Sunny. I always felt energetic when I see that sunflower painting from you.”

I nodded timidly in response as I meek at his presence. I fidgeted with my pencil in one hand while holding onto my half-done sketch with the other, partially covering it with my four fingers. Despite this, Mr Lee carefully extracted the notepad from my right hand before looking at it intently with admiration.

“Are you interested to do a portrait for the hospital? By drawing different life images of volunteers, workers and patients. I am sure you would be able to do a good job in bringing out the warm and caring environment of our hospital.”

“Yes she can do it!” I lifted my head and saw Tiffany skipping her way towards me and loop her arm around my shoulders.

“I have faith in you Taeyeon.” She shot me a wink before smiling in conformity with Mr Lee.

My confidence boosted upon her inspiring words. Why do her words always carry so much weight and credence?

After meeting her crescent eyes once more, I shifted my head towards Mr Lee and gave a nod to accept his challenging request.

=======================================

hi all once again i thank each n everyone of u with my heart *bows*

in fact i've officially concluded this fic on ssf, even with an epilogue done 1 wk ago....

so i should be posting up the rest of the chaps pretty soon ^^

enjoy!