Materialisation
My Conveyor
Taeyeon's POV
Telling someone how you feel does not hurt as much as not saying anything at all to that someone who is deeply in love with you.
I stood under a shoddy shelter to seek refuge from the howling wind and light drizzles, on top of waiting at the designated place for a correct bus to board. My fists rolled into balls within the pockets of my long black coat as I gulp some spit down my dry throat. The chilly morning makes it a little nervier for me, while I attempt to envisage and recall the way to a been-before destination.
Rolling back my head while leaning against the cold metal pole, the waiting time was spent to brood over the rectitude of my definitive decision.
After all, it wasn’t an ordinary and simple choice to make. Because it has a huge bearing on me; my psychological well-being and the possible ability to regain my long forgotten voice.
However, neither was my finality based upon a moment of impulse or overwhelming sentiments. I had my fair share of internal struggles, because I am not a decisive person to begin with. Nonetheless, after going through several optimistic and supportive advices, I mustered enough courage to make it this far, even though there is still an inevitable pang of conscience pulling me back from braving my own fear alone.
Oddly enough, according to Dr Kim, the fear that has been residing in me all this while is to be left alone, without the most important people around me. In spite of that, I will be dealing with it unaided, by myself, without... Tiffany.
***
I met the blonde hair psychiatrist at the hospital by chance after delivering lunch for my lovely angel. Upon stepping into the elevator, I mechanically pressed the ‘close’ button, only to see a rushing figure attempting to catch the lift.
“Wait a minute!” A high-pitched nasal voice faded when the door came close to a complete shut. Immediately re-pushing the other button as I wonder at the peculiar familiarity of that female voice, I held onto the green switch after entry was allowed for the forthcoming unrevealed stranger.
The newly arrived person and I pointed at each other simultaneously with whooping eyes before the two of us chuckle at the unexpected coincidence.
“Oh! Taeyeon! Wow... What luck to meet both you and Tiffany on the same day but at different places! Must you guys always have to appear before me ‘together’?”
Unable to stifle a hearty giggle, I shrugged my shoulders as a response to Dr Kim’s humorous but honest statement in regards to my lover and I. It was indeed a pleasant occasion to meet this amiable lady again, as her friendliness warms up to me so much that I unconsciously found myself being engaged in a longer than expected dialogue with the practitioner. It was rather uncommon that I was able to chat warmly with a new found acquaintance, and amazingly, even taking the initiative to pose some questions with my phone from time to time.
“I suppose you were here to meet your lovely partner?” The blonde-haired made a correct assumption as I nod my head in a bashful manner. I began to type on my phone to politely enquire the smiling person out of both courtesy and curiosity.
What about you?
“You and Tiffany are indeed telepathic, asking the same question. I’m here for a meeting with other fellow psychiatrists in the hospital.”
Nodding and smiling at the same time, I make efforts to form possible questions in my head so as to continue the conversation naturally without much awkwardness.
But as expected, Dr Kim was a step ahead of me, for the reason that the speed of sound is always faster than the speed of writing.
“Where are you heading to now? I can give you a lift.”
Back to my workplace. At Seocheo street. I flashed the mobile at her again after some assiduous typing.
“Hmm... Slightly far. But never mind, I have time to spare. I’ll send you there.” She gave a quick pat on my shoulder before I returned bows of gratitude with a hand placed in front of my chest.
Focusing on the road ahead to keep in pace with Dr Kim beside me, I enjoy the easy atmosphere between us as we made our way to the parking lot. I wonder if that is an ordinary thing for all expertise who deals with psychology. They seem to elicit this open and sociable aura, with a tad bit of charisma and magnetism to draw the attention of their communicating party, even without speaking. Hardly ever I had such a keen desire to commune with another person than Tiffany, and I thought it was a decent opportunity to consult some advices from the specialist in relation to my vocal disability.
“Hmm... Taeyeon... You seem to have something in your mind... Care to share? Because... I can see that you’re fidgeting with your mobile...”
Slightly taken aback by her spot-on observation once again, I smiled at her sheepishly, before taking notice of an abrupt turn made by the latter.
“Ah... Why not we head for a drink instead? I’m feeling a little thirsty...”
We settle ourselves comfortably on the red couches with the lingering caffeine smell produced by Dr Kim’s beverage. I opted for tea instead as I am not an avid fan of coffee like my lover.
“By the way, I’m really interested to know.... How long have you known Tiffany?”
If it hadn’t been mentioned, I almost failed to remember the exact number of years that I have spent with the dearest person in my life, because it is almost like I had lived my entire twenty two years in her presence. That kind of familiarity and dependability is just like what many of us have with our family members. We know they are always there, and it is a bit difficult to count and give a definite numeral due to the extensive time-span of it.
Thirteen years.
“Wow. I see... That explains the deep and strong bond you guys have.” Dr Kim nodded her head repeatedly in a fully-comprehended fashion.
Indeed, what we have is unfaltering and profound, but it goes way beyond mere computation of the time we spent. The length of time we have known each other is certainly astounding. However, it did not connote a huge significance on me, as digits are digits after all. Our toil and efforts to sustain this relationship are what that counts.
Thirteen years, is a beggaring description to tell the full story of us, seeing that our love has no precise ‘ending point’ to begin with. I want to create more of such remarkable thirteen years of memories, happiness and love, and I hope to achieve it in a slightly different manner; with the addition of my voice, to express those unspoken sentiments within my heart and declare words of affection for a special person who solely deserves it. Tiffany certainly has every right to hear my devotion, passion and love.
Even though she might have somehow given up on the hypnotherapy, I am still rather keen to discover and study on other viable means for my condition. Having Dr Kim sitting adjacent to me at that moment, I summon all guts and valour, typing words of personal intention before showing them to the latter.
Dr Kim, are there other ways to recover my voice? I am really eager to work out my speech impairment.
“Ah... Is that the question that you’d intended to ask earlier?” I nodded agreeably with my sealed lips, tentative about the impending suggestions that the expert has to make.
On all ears, I poise myself ready to welcome any professional advices as I truly believe that Dr Kim’s capabilities will prove to be practicable in regaining my voice, not even minding if it will be another hypnotherapy session in case it is the only effective approach.
“Well... I’ve heard from Tiffany that you’ve been doing vocal trainings and stimulating sessions but they were all futile, since it all boils down to your psychological condition. We have to get rid of your fear in order to do so.”
It is fear again, that plagues me from achieving almost anything that I had wanted to do. Be it expressing my love for those who cared for me, or pursuing my ambitions and desires. If not for Tiffany who has been working really hard to stamp out my initial worries and apprehensions, I am certain that I would have been long defeated by the haunting fiend, missing out on all the love and affections that she has provided for me.
Moreover, I believe it is my recluse persona that easily draws in all the worrisome and negative thoughts, or it could be I was born with a complicated mind, which has a liking to engage itself in deep thinking processes and reflections. At times, they proved to be effective in helping me to carefully reconsider issues with difficulty and high stake. Then again, many a times, those deliberations have been overdone and they were one by one, translated into pessimism when depressing thoughts came along.
Every now and then, I would ask myself if I was being a little too over concerned, especially when many things are unknown and has no definite answers to it. For instance, why did I fell in love with a girl, who has a completely opposite personality to mine. Tiffany is a really bright and outright individual who can put across her emotions straightforwardly. Hence, occasionally, I felt apologetic and guilty to her, for my uncommunicativeness and introversion. Without fail, each time she notices my agony or melancholy, the usual “Taetae ah, let me know what is going through your mind, I am here” would escape through her lips. She is such a compassionate and empathetic person, placing others before self and has the ability to be au fait with almost anyone. For this reason, as much as I had wanted to make a clean of it in front of her, I was afraid of adding unnecessary burden on my caring partner. I dislike the idea of worrying Tiffany with my worries.
Nevertheless, I am glad that my angelic companion has slowly changed my otherwise pessimistic and mulish thinking. And now I know that my life isn’t really about a life on my own, ever since the day she occupied my heart.
She has done so much just to make my life better; I ought to do the same.
“Tell me Taeyeon, do you really really wanna get your voice back?”
Yes. I nodded my head with certainty.
“At all costs?”
Saying yes repeatedly in my head, I convinced the latter with my determined signs of agreement.
Because Tiffany loves me as much as I do, so I will give my everything in this relationship we have.
“Okays... Anyways Taeyeon... Do you know what your real phobia is?”
Creasing my brows to carefully reflect on Dr Kim’s statement, I was reminded of my parents’ demise. My heart would become vulnerable whenever my past was raked. The initial years of living my life without them were definitely dreadful and I had a hard time opening up to others. However, Tiffany’s bubbly character brought colours to my world since then, and instead of being envious of other kids who have a complete family, I began to be thankful for having a friend who can appreciate and understand me deeply. She acknowledges my pain and sufferings and acts like a bandage to my wound; healing me before prying away to reveal my scar when the appropriate time comes. I suppose my lover had a hard time debating if she should delve into my awful past. But I was glad she did. It felt like a great load being taken off my chest after disclosing about my parents’ account. Therefore, presumably, the plaguing fear within me was my haunted past.
Then again, Dr Kim should have known about it, since she was the one who brought me back to childhood during the hypnotherapy session. I begin to scratch my head at her deliberate question.
“No idea?”
Shaking my head, I hope to attain more clarification from the latter. Given her professional experience, she must have an answer to it.
“Initially, Tiffany and I believed that your fear has to do with the death of your parents, since it has traumatised you so much as a child. However, you still couldn’t regain your voice after a long time. I presume it has to do with the workings of your subconscious mind.”
“That is to say... Your introvert behaviour has a part to play in your speech disability. You have a voice. It is just that it hasn’t been ‘forced’ out...”
That being said, it is really true as many a times, I have a great deal of things going through my mind and I really want to translate them into spoken words. Yet, there seems to be something that is preventing me from doing so. My heart would throb and the chest feels stuffed, is it brimmed with too much apprehension?
“It is your fear that is overtaking your mind. The phobia to lose your loved ones is actually getting stronger stealthily. It is just that you’re unaware of it.”
“You’re especially afraid to lose Tiffany.”
Those words struck my heart at the bull’s eye, causing the pulsations to reach a new high. Dr Kim was dead right about a fear that even I am clueless about, or have been trying to evade.
How can I be separated with the one whom I love the most, once more? I had struggled through the four years, and now, my life and soul feels complete with our reunion, adding on to the fact that we have become even closer than before. Perhaps I am truly fearful of losing the closest people around me, especially if they were to leave and vanish in an instant, yet I can do nothing but to witness it all. The feeling is just ridiculously unspeakable, when life and death could be set apart in a matter of seconds. Your love one is dead but you are alive. Inevitably, it triggers off a humungous wave of culpability that we are watching them leaving us, and the goodbye, is forever, eternally.
It was an earth-shattering day for me when Tiffany was leaving for her flight. No matter how much I yearned to lock her in my arms and show how unbearable I was in dealing with our separation, those words just could not be emerged. Was it explainable by Dr Kim’s psychoanalysis? That I have been pinned down by the workings of my subconscious mind all along?
“It is indeed terrifying to lose a loved one, and each individual deals with such topics very differently. Definitely, it is going to be an even mounting trial for you if you’re going to face a similar situation once more.”
“However Taeyeon... Your life should not be subjugated by fear and darkness. Even if it’s not for the intention to regain your voice, you ought to overcome this psychological barrier someday. How are you going to love Tiffany or allow her to love you more if you’re so afraid to lose her one day?”
The increasingly solemn tone in Dr Kim brought my watery eyes back to her focused ones, as I carefully digest those words that were cluttering in my mind, which was muddled with plenty of emotions. Although I was greatly flummoxed by the influx of information, I could still see the whole point of what the blonde-haired psychiatrist was trying to get across, because I was clear of one thing; that I have to restore my voice, not only for myself, but for a dedicated Tiffany who has forsaken other things in this world, just to make enough space for an imperfect me in her heart.
“I’ve actually told Tiffany about my suggestion to put you through another hypnotherapy, but she doesn’t seem to accept it well. I can see that she is really protective of you and loves you so much as she couldn’t bear to let you experience the pain and heartache all over again.”
I know. I absolutely know how much she loves me. This awareness further augmented my will to take even the last ditch of chance, just to restore my speaking ability.
“Take a careful consideration about it. I could not assure you that the therapy would be successful in bringing back your voice. However, it will at least, help to conquer the mammoth fear within you.”
“Just drop me a mail if you wish to make an appointment with me.”
Reaching out to receive the ivory name card, I bit my lips and crinkled the sides of it inadvertently before thanking the latter with gratitude bows.
***
The folded corners of the card are still apparent as I took another longing stare at the address on it once more. If there wasn’t a coincidental meeting with Dr Kim, I would not have been able to recognise my obscured trepidation. I was very much egged on further after acknowledging the significance to confront and eradicate my utmost fear.
Yet, despite the growing determination to disentangle my own knots, the uncertainty of the therapy outcome intimidates me relatively, on top of the fact that I would have to do it without the knowledge of my lover. Those bits of consideration were keeping me at bay for the rest of that day, to the point of disturbing my concentration at work.
***
I winced in pain and pulled a redden thumb out from my clenching teeth. The numb sensations of it coupled with visible marks on the skin were good evidences of my deep reverie earlier. I began to slouch further towards the easel and rest my forehead against the clean canvas sheet, letting a long breathe escape through my lips.
The silence was far more deafening as I sat before my working tools in the huge gallery, until it was disrupted by ruffling sounds due to the slightest movements of my fidgeting feet. A set of clicking footsteps caught my attention and I jolted up in alertness to the approaching someone. It was Director Joo, my employer, in his everyday smart-looking outfit, giving his most cordial smile.
“Hey Taeyeon. Well, you look tired. Don’t tell me you’re stressed up with work as I have not launched any impending exhibitions yet.”
Oh, I’m fine. After bowing to the senior, I feigned a smile and gestured politely to convince him that I wasn’t pressured by work.
Directing him to the little lounge area, I offered to get a cup of coffee for him, only to be quickly held back when he made his polite declination known.
“It’s okay... I just had some food earlier. I won’t be staying too long as well.... because I’m here to ask you for a favour.”
Oh, what is it? I hope I can help. I flashed him my mobile with the response while wondering about a new possible assignment from him at the same time.
“It’s like this... My mum is celebrating her 80th birthday... To show my gratitude and making it memorable for her, I would like you to draw a portrait of this picture...”
He extracted an off-coloured photo from his leather case and gently brought it forward, longingly gazing at it with an intuitive smile. The picture depicted an elegant middle-aged woman carrying and feeding a toddler lovingly.
“I found this picture after a long search. Even after fifty years, my mum is still the mother who loves and cares for me. So I would like you to portray this motherly side of hers.”
Director Joo’s thoughtful idea won my respect further, as I could see a more family side of him other than being shrewd and influential in the business world. Bobbing my head in absolute agreement to his proposed gift, I readily raised my thumb at him while taking occasional glimpse of the photograph whose age was more than doubled of mine.
Before the bearded man could enthuse more about his plans for the special gift, a loud ringing tone from the mobile in his hands interrupted our interaction, while I could only patiently wait for the elder as he converse with his family member on the line, based on my primarily conjecture. I was somehow accurate when I listen a little more intently to his words; despite the fact that eavesdropping has never been my intention.
“Hey sweetie, how’s the weather over there? Had fun? Be good... Daddy will join you all real soon after I’ve finished my work. Put Mummy on the phone...”
The beaming man could not help but chuckled at me when the party on the other line gave a loud and screeching yell. His tone then changed a bit after a few seconds of necessarily pause.
“I’m gonna take the morning flight tomorrow, almost done with the important stuffs... As promised, I am supposed to spend these three days with the two of you, just wait for me a little longer yea? I love you...”
Slowly, I rub my thighs upon the awkwardness of overhearing the sugary words that Mr Joo has verbalised. However, I was very much delighted to witness the strong bond shared between the elder and his family, in particular, their unreserved ways to express love for each other, notwithstanding the time and distance. There is always this added feeling of yearn and pining for a significant other when we aren’t able to have them around us, and I know that the busy man was only trying his best to show his concern and attention in the midst of a hectic schedule.
Moreover, in times when we are unable to see the other party, voices then become an important tool to soothe and alleviate those longing emotions. I do know how safe it feels to hear the voice of our loved ones, especially when we were missing them a whole lot. The power of speech is undeniable. In all honesty, I have an exceptional for Tiffany’s husky and gentle voice, which at times, increases a notch whenever she feels excited or happy. However, she didn’t have the luxury to hear my true and real one, a voice that could give a better significance of expression on top of the written words and gestures that I have made.
It was awfully painful to know how much she has desired to hear me, but I just lived up to the disappointment completely, and that happened when we had a long distance call after a year she left; the one and only phone call we had since I wasn’t able to make myself heard. The inner struggles due to her absence were making muted noises in my throat, wrenching my heart further throughout the precious minutes of feeling each other’s presence over the telephone.
Tiffany would make an effort to call home whenever she could, and of course, I would never have an opportunity to pick up any of those rings, only sitting by Mr Hwang’s side occasionally when his face brightened upon hearing the greetings of my angelic companion. In fact, such moments were enough for me at that time though, knowing that she was well and safe abroad. However, that momentous day she called was during Chuseok. Those strong feelings of missing the latter were swelling up as I was reminded of not having her around on this commemorative festival.
~
I pranced back and forth the living room in a meaningless way, watching my guardian chatting away merrily to my sweet-tempered buddy. No matter how much I wished to hear her voice, the phone conversation would not be a conversation at all when she is the only party who can speak. Hence, it would be rather pointless and absurd if I were to request her dad to hand me the receiver, even though I had the impulsive idea flashing across my mind repeatedly.
Before I could retreat to my room in defeat, the rich baritone voice reached my ears and caused them to shot up in alert.
“Taeyeon ah.... Do you want to...?” Mr Hwang slightly lifted the white receiver with a hand covering the bottom part of it. We both know very well that it will turn out to be a one-sided conversation once I get hold of the phone. However, perhaps, the family-oriented man was greatly aware of my excessive desire to hear her voice. Hesitating, I bit my bottom lip hard at the opportunity given, and my sentimental side eventually trounced the rational one when I meekly nodded at him.
“Hey sweetie... Someone wants to hear your voice... Hold on for a moment...”
With that, he placed the receiver onto my hands after pulling the cord a little further, sensitively getting up to make space for me on the sofa. I trembled hard at the immediate silence in the hall when I slowly press the speaker against my left ear.
“Yoboseyo?” Tiffany’s ever-so-cheerful tone greeted me alluringly, and I drew a sharp intake of breathe at this inexplicable moment. I could feel my chest throbbing further at that so-near-yet-so-far contact with her, which eventually made me realise how much I had missed that bubbly and raspy voice.
I cried.
For once, I was brave enough to let those tears fall, because she couldn’t see it.
While attempting to enjoy that paradoxical closeness with my friend, I wept silently, letting that momentary silence serve as a proof that it was me, whom she had responded to.
“Is... Is that you Taetae?” There was an evident croak in her voice. She must have found it hard to believe that she could be speaking to a quiet me over the phone. I tried to put myself in her shoes at that moment. It was certainly difficult and bewildering for Tiffany. On one hand, it should have been a joyful thing to be able to have someone we missed the most on the other end of the line, however, the real and main purpose of hearing a voice fell flatly in her face.
“I’m confident it is you Taeyeon... Could you give a little tap sound to let me know?”
Doing what I was told, I lightly drum my short fingernails to produce a set of tapping sounds. Little had I know that the gesture would generate a great reaction on an equally emotional Tiffany.
“Taetae...!!! Do you know how much I miss you?!”
I really miss you too.
“Even though I had just conversed with you through the net a few days ago, I still.... couldn’t help but feel empty in the heart...”
Same here.
My unspoken thoughts could only be translated into streaks of tears, unseen, and unheard.
The both of us took deep and hard breaths to curb our rising muddled-up emotions. For the first time, contentment and troubled feelings sat evenly on the balance. I was very much relieved and thankful to hear that warm voice of hers again, but at the same time, reality banged me hard on the head as regret and disappointment were equally weighty in my heart.
Nonetheless, being the optimistic and encouraging Tiffany I know, she began to lighten the mood with a string of thoughtful addresses.
“Anyways... Happy Chuseok Taetae... Is the weather getting really cold there? Do remember to put on more clothes...”
It was as though she could hear my soundless replies, when she added timely pauses in between her inconsequential questions, making it seem like a typical two-way conversation. Never have I felt such warmth and secure again, ever since the day we were taken apart. I know I might sound silly, but I almost believed that Tiffany was just beside me when I close my eyes to take pleasure in her cheery blabbers, and I wished that the conversation would never end just to be deceitful to myself. Then again, how can I be so selfish towards Tiffany, letting her do all the talking and hiding the agony of not being able to hear my voice? I was in fact, engulfed with guilt for actually acceding to the idea of having this unrequited dialogue.
“Taeyeon ah... Even though I could not hear you now... I am sure I will be able to do so someday... And I know that the day will definitely come... Let’s have faith...”
“Look... It’s only erm... three more years before I will be back? I’m studying really hard... So wait for me...”
A loud and deep sigh followed after her constant talking, one that exemplifies discouragement. I inhaled extensively too, because we both know, three years meant another thousands of days to go, and I can’t even bear to live another day without Tiffany.
“Taetae....” Her voice was evidently shaky, as I shoulder more blame for piling onto her misery.
Kim Taeyeon you fool. Doing nothing but hearing her heartaches, intensifying her worries all because of your inability to speak.
Some sniffles were heard before Tiffany cleared in a hard manner.
I want to hug you so much. I’m sorry to remind the fact that we’re both having a lonely Chuseok day.
“It’s getting late here... I’ve to turn in early. We will chat again soon okay...?”
“I... miss you so much Taetae...”
I love you. Mouthing silently to the receiver, I naively wished she would be able to hear it.
~
We did not have any of those overseas phone conversations since then, just to minimise the undying feelings of distress, and that was one of the biggest regrets I had for my disability.
However today, after witnessing how DIrector Joo sent regards and reassurance to his family, I have somehow, recognised that it is also a blissful thing to converse with a loved one over the phone.
Excessive amount of flowery words is definitely nothing, but essential demonstration of heartfelt sentiments is without a doubt, something indispensable and priceless.
And I, should not continue to live with that dark spot imprinted in my heart anymore.
The man in his forties diffidently scratch the back of his head after putting the mobile back into his coat.
“Ah... That was my daughter at first, after which I had to assure my wife that I will be able to meet them up real soon. They’re now in Canada.”
I gave him a genuine smile while dipping my head a little in acknowledgement, before moving my fingers to and fro, bringing my two thumbs closer and move them in an up-and-down manner.
You guys are really close.
“Uh... Yea... Well, because I could not always be there for them when they needed me, so I will try not to hold back any love and care I have for them...”
“Besides... I don’t want to leave this world someday, with the regret of not doing enough for them...”
His tone became hesitant, rousing my curiosity upon his ambiguous words.
“Life is really unpredictable... So we have to cherish every little thing we have. I only learnt this philosophy recently... Seems a little too late I suppose. I used to think that I could buy and possess everything that I want with money, but it wasn’t the case...”
“Until I was diagnosed with a heart disease... I realise that I could lose everything I have within seconds, if my heart was to stop beating one day...”
Indeed, everything in this world is unforeseeable and unanticipated. Never have I expected that the healthy-looking wealthy man before me is carrying a time-bomb in his chest. Time, was definitely not on his side, neither could it be stalled and held back even if he has the power and supremacy to control other entities in his world.
“So I tell myself to live life like there’s no tomorrow... Taking chances... Doing all the things that I want if I can... Cherishing every moment.....”
“You may be young Taeyeon, but don’t ever think that you have plenty of time to spend. Follow your heart... and do things that you will never regret.”
***
Truthfully, I was very much living my life in repentance, for never having a chance to play my role as a filial daughter to my parents. Instead of learning the ways to cherish from that painful lesson, I preferred to dwell myself in the past, wondering why I had not done anything to make up for the lost time. But those honest words from the elder reminded me that I am living in the present, and I still have the ability to do something about my future before it is too late.
I have already missed out on the chance to love my parents, I cannot afford to lose another chance to love Tiffany wholeheartedly.
What’s more, life is all about taking chances. From that moment, the route and choice to make was getting more apparent and clear.
Life without taking chances
Is no kind of life at all
You’ve got to stand up for something
Even if you might fall
Gotta take the road
Wherever it might go
No matter where
No matter what
I want you to know
I want you to know
Yet, I had one last concern, and that is none other than my dearest companion. I didn’t know how relay my intention, for the reason that I could foresee her ultimate reaction. In addition, she has aided me this far, I should confront the rest of that challenging road ahead by myself. I was used to having her unconditional encouragement in everything I do, so it definitely feels uncustomary.
As a result, my mind was predominantly occupied with the hypnotherapy gamble for that whole week, and I presumed my vocal condition has kept Tiffany rather bothered at the same time. Coupled with our increasingly frenzied working schedules, it was less easy to spend some leisure time together. Nevertheless, we managed to utilise a wonderful evening in each other’s company, and every single moment derived from that meaningful date, was deeply etched in both my heart and mind.
They were simply beautiful.
***
The concrete pavements were gleaming under the shaft of orange rays, with our elongated shadows moving along as we strutted in sync on the great Banpo bridge. I giggled childishly at the length of my own shade. For once, I seem taller than my partner from the illusory shadows beneath us.
Tiffany crinkled her nose when she broke out in a wide but closed-mouth smile, pressing her hand on my head to make fun of my disadvantage.
“Shorty.”
I was about to sneak an attack on her sharp nose to give a quick pinch, but she grabbed onto my fist with quick reflexes, taking the opportunity to lock both of my hands in hers.
“Small but adorable.” Leaning our foreheads together, she wiggled her nose against mine, playfully showing her aegyo for appeasement. We then found a strategic spot to place our belongings on the metal railings, before I pulled her in for a side hug.
As she tightens our embrace, we fully absorb the panoramic view of Han River before us, with the lovely weather acting as an icing on the cake.
I leisurely slid my hand off her waist in order to dig deep into my backpack to retrieve something that I had prepared just for my Tiffany.
Out came a tall silvery flask being sandwiched by my hands as I shove it a little nearer to my curious partner. The fragrance of her favourite beverage emerged when I twisted the lid, causing the girl to yell in excitement.
“Kya...! Taetae! My favourite cappuccino!!!” She snatched the coffee away animatedly and bit her lip in eagerness, slowly taking a deep inhalation of the aroma. I chuckled at her comical behaviour while tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.
With covered by the metal flask as she carefully took small sips of the drink, her typical eyesmile was shown after sneaking a few glances at me. Urging me to have a taste of my own effort, I carefully gulp down the lukewarm cappuccino in her hands. As I say it again, I wasn’t a huge admirer of coffee. But from that particular evening, I fell in love with the lasting tang of sweetness and slight bit of bitterness in my mouth. I didn’t remember adding that much milk and sugar into it originally. Perhaps, that added sweetness was produced by the lovely girl beside me. I do believe that food always tastes better when we are eating or sharing it with someone else. Call me delusional, but I just couldn’t control falling deeply in love with Tiffany over and over again.
“Why the sudden idea of bringing my favourite coffee?” She prompted after stealing a few more mouthfuls of it.
I pondered for a moment, before cuddling her from behind as I rest my chin on her broad shoulder, tilting a little to see her charming side profile and pat her head gently.
Just to treat you well. I continued to her hair when our eyes converged.
“Wonderful weather, wonderful scenery with a wonderful coffee... And of course... a wonderful partner... Life couldn’t be better...” Her lines may be cheesy, but they totally reflect my sentiments. Our faces inched closer, enjoying the intimacy when we tickled each other with our steady breaths. I comb and brush her hair a little before cupping her cheek to aid in shrinking the gap between us. Smiling lips were met and they remained connected for a few good seconds.
Nothing else could measure up to the definition of happiness with that moment.
As we observed the giant ball of flame descending and moving closer to its mirror image on the light blue river, Tiffany interlaced our fingers and drew my attention back to her side. She has this satisfied smile attached on her face, looking serene and innocent. That kind of expression has become rare for the past few days, and I was glad that a brief respite like this could restore such comeliness of hers once more.
I want to induce greater joy to this lovely girl. I want to be the reason behind her smiles.
“I wish our everyday could be like this...” She softly whispered as her head leaned against mine. Her shoulders lifted and dropped back at a snail’s pace, and I got to notice the deep breathings she took. I carefully led her head onto my shoulder before bestowing an amorous kiss on the top of it.
It is often easier said than done to pursue our sources of pleasure, but when the opportunity comes by, we must learn to make the most of it, and I will not let any of such blissfulness past me by again.
We will have more of such good days, maybe even better ones. Tiffany... for the first time, I like the feeling of loving you with an open heart, and I want to give you the best I can.
Whether or not I recover my voice in the end, at least I made an effort, because it would be a shame that I’d live a life without trying.
***
It was something that I believed
A dream that was driving me
A fire inside of me
The dark clouds now gather as the thunder rumbles in accordance to the anxiety within me. I deftly put the name card back into my pocket after keeping in mind the address details of Dr Kim’s consulting room.
Appointment time for the hypnotherapy session is approaching, but I am feeling wobbly like a jelly. What happened to the courage I had? I can do it, right?
While attempting to fight off those wee bits of fretfulness, drops of rain began to fall, creating pitter-pattering sounds on the shelter.
Two girls coming dashing towards my direction, seemingly aiming to escape the sudden downpour.
They brushed past me before plopping down on the long and lean bench with their slightly drenched uniforms.
“Urgh... I should have taken my umbrella. Do you think I could return home to fetch it?” The girl with shorter hair suggested after receiving a piece of tissue from her schoolmate.
“There’s no use turning back now. We should make do with what we have. Look, I have this outer jacket. I’ll shelter you with it once we reach the school gate...”
True enough, we are all bound to get stuck in certain situations. I have come this far and it only takes me one final step. There is no way to retreat because there is only one direction, despite having two possible outcomes.
Besides, it is not only mine but also Tiffany’s dream to hear me someday. So I have to carry this optimism and never look back into the past.
I walk along the familiar narrow hallway, this time, alone. The journey seems shorter than expected when I realised that I have reached the psychiatrist’s workplace in no time. Wiping off the sweat on my palms, I patiently wait for the other party’s permission to enter the gigantic office after making two knocks on the door.
Just like the first time, Dr Kim’s bright smile serves as a warm welcome when I cross the threshold.
“I’m glad you came. Anyways, if you’re really uncomfortable about this, don’t push yourself. A hypnotherapy will only work on a completely relaxed mind.” The smartly-dressed professional takes her place beside me, before I flashed an ‘okay’ gesture at her, sinking myself further into the black-leathered couch.
She commenced the session smoothly by helping to fend off any cluttering thoughts in my brain, as I chucked aside the problems at work, money issues, and love-life... basically everything that I can think of.
My mind is now really light and empty, with the calming voice of Dr Kim creating resonance in the room. Fully heeding every single instruction, images began to infiltrate my mind like rolling pictures.
“It was just a typical evening that you got to meet Tiffany after work. The both of you were deciding how to spend the night away.......”
.
“Hmm... How about catching a movie? Let’s watch Rapunzel!” My ecstatic lover suggested while leading me through a jam-packed street.
I twitched my brows at her, wondering if I had misheard her proposed idea. She particularly dislikes watching animated-movies at the cinemas for the reason that the computer graphics weren’t value for money.
Besides, I have heard how much she has raved about a film called the ‘Black Swan’ recently. Hence, it was only logical that I shook my head unbelievingly at my taller companion.
“Why? You don’t like the movie?”
It’s you who doesn’t like the movie. Don’t accommodate me. I guess a frustrated look was apparent on my face while I gesture in a hasty fashion, causing Tiffany’s brows to droop with her protruding lips.
“Well, I really don’t mind watching any movies with you. Really. How about this, let’s check out the movie which has an earlier timeslot and we shall catch that. Alright...?” She tugs on my arm and swings it lightly. Her adorable puppy look is making it hard for me to show any disagreement as I failed to keep a straight face. In return, I broke out in a cheeky grin with the intention to give a tickle under her chin when I tried to reach for her face.
“Yah Taetae...! We’re crossing the road mind you!” True enough, I was almost bumped away by a rushing commuter if not for my lover who was clinging onto my arm possessively. We snuggled closer while jostling our way through the moving crowd.
“Let’s take the alley-way instead, or we will be too late to catch any movies.” I agreed without much hesitation as the sky is still rather bright, aside from the gradual overcast of clouds.
Tiffany is acutely exultant, judging by the way she hums to her favourite song. I gaze at her ebullient expression from time to time, and that was when I took notice of some dirt on her face.
I was fully engrossed with rubbing and caressing my lover’s cheeks, until a deafening sound of shattering glass startled the both of us.
A shaggy looking drunkard is crouching behind a wooden crate, muttering and grinning to himself while his hands were roaming aimlessly in search of wine bottles scattering around him.
He was almost cut by the broken mess he has just created, and we immediately made our way forward to prevent the dishevelled man from getting hurt.
“Get off!!!” His abrupt howl kept us a feet away, but that did not stall my compassionate partner from taking a step further to help him.
“We only meant good...”
This time the sturdy man got up and gave a death glare, and before we know it, a glass bottle flew in our direction. Tiffany was luckier as she managed to dodge the dangerous object, but not for me. I went on my knees almost immediately when the jagged edges of the broken bottle penetrated my ankle. The pain was excruciating and I simply had no strength to be involved in the subsequent occurrences.
“Taeyeon!!!” I managed to pry my eyes away from the bleeding wound, seeking comfort in my lover’s concerned orbs. The both of us then found ourselves in a precarious situation when the mentally unstable drunkard continues to fling and throw empty beer bottles.
“Let me carry you, we have to leave here immediately!!!” Tiffany hissed into my ears before looping my arm around her shoulders to guide me away.
“No one is leaving after stepping into my territory...” The man growled from behind, and everything happens in quick successions that allow me no chances to react. Firstly, a loud smashing sound echoed through my ears followed by a spine-chilling silence. I felt the original tight grip on my shoulders gradually slack off when those delicate hands glide down my back. I turn around, only to find a collapsed Tiffany on the floor after a forceful thud.
Not again.
That haunting feeling is back.
Crawling towards my fallen angel, I shake her body warily, afraid to aggravate the deep slash that was formed on the side of her head. However, I was equally fearful of the worse. I huddled closer to her side, hoping that my body warmth will be able to keep her shallow breathing going.
Please don’t do this to me... Caressing her well-defined cheekbones, my tears and the blood from her head ooze simultaneously.
When she flutters her eyes open again, a tingling sensation reverberated within my chest. It was as if my heart was revived, because it has literally stopped beating the moment I see her pass out before me.
“Tae...tae... I feel cold...” Without a word, I cling onto her tighter.
You will be fine. You’re going to be fine Tiffany.
“I keep seeing flashes of darkness... and I couldn’t hear a single thing anymore...” She muttered more discouraging words in my ears, enfeebling me further.
“But despite that... I’m glad to feel your warmth around me...”
No. I don’t want to listen any of those Tiffany. Stay strong do you hear me?!
What can I do? No one is going to see us in this dark corner of the alley. I could not even utter a word, not to mention, yelling for help even though I feel that I am screaming my lungs out, inside.
Then again, I am the only one who can save her. Why must my feet feel anaesthetised now? Why does it feel like I have no other means to turn things around? Why am I mute? Why...?
Her chest began to heave a little slower. Casting my eyes back on her face, I saw an angelic smile in spite of her gradual ashen look. Those tender loving eyes that were fixated on mine, am I going to miss them for good? Am I losing her in my arms soon?
I found myself getting threatened by those silent apprehensions when I observe her now enervated eyes, losing the fight to stay open.
Tiffany... No... You can’t leave me...
Please Tiffany... Please...
Those prayers in my heart got louder increasingly, with all sorts of fears menacingly clutching onto my throat. Summoning all strength and emotions within me, an unspoken name managed force its way through the initially clogged-up gullet.
“Tippany!!!”
I jolted my eyes open and felt a drop of sweat trickling down the side of my face. Feeling drained as though I had used all the energy from my body, an aching feel is particularly evident on my throat. However, as I regulate my breathing further, gone was the unyielding strain on my chest. My eyes which are now accustomed to the brightness of the room, made a scan across the recognisable walls before coming to a stop at a smiling Dr Kim. A distinctive and oddly-identifiable voice lingered in the air, fetching an unconscious smile on me.
Everything felt so familiar once again.
I, tried to do my best to do the best I could
I, had to give my all it’s what I have to do
And I’d do it all again and that’s the honest truth
I did it for you
==================================
and one final chap to go!!! =D
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