italics=flashback

bold= Taeyeon's unspoken thoughts

Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires. ---------Francois de La Rochefoucauld

I allowed my fingers to run through the neat pile of discs as I kick start my morning at the music store, which has become a part of my daily routine, in a life on my own. Immersing myself in some hobbies was just another way to relieve the emptiness that she has left in my heart. However, it is often paradoxical, when the more one tries to deviate themselves from certain thoughts, they just kept coming back in waves to haunt you.

All these years without realisation, I found myself cultivating an interest in English oldies, wondering if it was a subconscious influence from someone. I pushed the buttons on the player until it displayed the song, “Nothings gonna change my love for you” by Glenn Mederios.

I put on the headset which was fitting for my petite head and I begin to throw myself into the nostalgic world of me and hers, as the melody resonates in my head.

If I had to live my life without you near me

The days would all be empty

The nights would seem so long,

With you I see forever oh, so clearly,

I might have been in love before

But it never felt this strong….

***

“Taetae….” I shifted my attention to the girl who was standing at the doorstep, looking forlorn. I had no idea how long she was there since I was engrossed in my artwork. I dragged a small stool as I beckon her to take a seat beside me.

Instead of the usual deep and bubbly chuckles, all I could hear were heavy shuffling of footsteps and occasional lengthy exhalation of breathe from the taller girl before she took her place beside me.

I tenderly caress the silky straight long hair of hers and tilt her chin so that our eyes are aligned.

What’s wrong? I arched my brows upon seeing her shifting eyes.

“I’ve received the confirmation letter from Harvard University regarding my application for the psychology course, so I would be going to the States in a few months time.”

This time, it was my turn to avoid her gaze as I remove my hand that was cupping her cheeks earlier. Tiffany noticed my reaction and took my hand to place them in her warm palms.

“Don’t worry taetae, I will be back.”

For how long will you be there? I drew imaginary circles around my wrist before ending the sentence with my thumb pointing in another direction.

“Four years? As much as I do not want to be separated from you, I have to do this taetae. Because I want to help you. I want to help you regain your speech taetae. My dad says that psychological factors might be the reason that prevents you from speaking out. Furthermore, taking up the course would aid me in knowing you better.”

Haven’t you known me enough? I pointed at her before directing the finger to my temple and subsequently placing my fist on my left chest.

“I sure do. But I wanna know you better.” She returned a typical eyesmile of hers before burying her head against the crook of my neck, simultaneously wrapping her arms around my waist.

Would you alter your decision if I want you to stay? I would rather remain silent for the rest of my life as long as you’re with me fany ah.

***

Hold me now, touch me now

I don’t wanna live without you….

***

I lifted my friend’s big pink luggage into the boot of the car before smacking my hands at the job done. The sight of a teary Tiffany greeted me when I turned around. As much as I do not like to see that side of her, I was in awe that a person could be so fine-looking even when there are streaks of water rolling down the cheeks and redden nose. For an unaware passerby, it looks as if I was the one who is leaving. Instead of crying my heart out, I had better things to spend our inadequate time wiser.

I have something for you. I gestured to her before grabbing her hand and lead her back into the house. I came out of my room with a rolled canvas sheet in my hands and present it to her together with my forged smile. I never knew she was so babyish when a smile was visible on her face again when she opened up the gift I had for her.

“This is lovely.” Tiffany used her fingers to graze the art piece, which depicts the cosy house that we are living in.

“I would look at your drawing whenever I feel homesick. Thanks for this thoughtful gift taetae.”

I was glad that she understood my intention unsurprisingly, as the gift was the only thing that I could do for her.

“Taeyeon ah.. Take a stroll with me around the house.”

Our house is not excessively big, as we took a short walk around the perimeters of our little lodge, holdings hands as we recollect the good old days and less worrisome childhood. Though smiles were visible on our faces, the grasp on our interlaced hands tighten with each passing second and our steps began to minimise as we fight against the god of time.

“Taetae, do you still remember this tree?” Tiffany pointed to the oak tree standing big and tall in our backyard. I nodded to her as I look at the big trunk with carved drawings of two girls on the opposite faces of the dark brown trunk. The two stickman-looking girls were drawn by me when I was ten, representing Tiffany and I. I remembered I drew us hand in hand beside each other, but now, the two stickman figures were far apart as the trunk has stretched and outgrown over the years.

“It seems like even this tree has an indication that we will be separating someday….”

I was astounded by Tiffany’s words. Separation. The word has never ever crossed my mind as I was drowning in the care given by my best friend all these years, taking them for granted just like how I did with my parents. I know she will be back for good, but I could not help but shudder upon the idea that I would be all alone again.

“Sweetie, it’s time to go.” Tiffany’s dad was calling for her.

With our hands still clasping together, we turn to face each other in synchronisation to engage in a long eye contact. I gaze intently into those orbs that never fail to draw my eyes into, always making me feel assured and allowing me to confide in her through them. I was convinced that I will be missing those eyes that bend like an angel’s wings whenever she smiles.  Both of us did not utter a word as we allowed silence to execute the vindication of our dejections.

I could feel the tears gradually fogging my vision as I found myself being enveloped in Tiffany’s tight embrace.

“We have been together for nine years, this will be the first time that we are going to be separated from each other for a long spell. I will really miss you Taeyeon ah…” Her voice trembled against my ears and my tears were threatening to fall.

When parting comes, many would often pour out their heartfelt emotions and translate them into stirring words, but I have nothing other than to return the hug with one hand, for the one whom I have slowly grown my affection for.

I wished that I could have ten mouths at the moment, because I have so much to tell you. If only you know how much I love you Tiffany.

***

Nothings gonna change my love for you

You oughta know by now how much I love you

One thing you can be sure of

I’ll never ask for more than your love

Four years might have seemed short for some, but to me it was eons. Happy times always appear shorter and faster whenever one is with his or her loved ones. But to me, as day stretched into night and the night seems eternal, my pinning love for her has swelled over the years, never once decreasing. Nothing has changed my love for Tiffany, it only became entrenched.

Many a times, I tried to convince myself that the crush I have on Tiffany was just a mere misinterpretation of her overwhelming concern for me. But it was only without her presence, that I actually felt empty despite the fact that I was showered with much love from her dad and the neighbours. I missed those clingy arms around my shoulders, her loud voice whenever she barge into my room and those late night ‘stories’ by her. But I had also missed my own soul.  I missed my inner self. Only Tiffany has the ability to bring out other different sides of me. Not only did she make me express myself more, but at the same time, she expresses me. She made me revealed my caring side, she showed me how a smile could be easily done when one was with the person they like, and she made me aware that love doesn’t lie on the basis of spoken words, but done actions.

Since the day Tiffany left, I was back to the square one, trying to fit myself into a round hole. I seek to come out from my comfort zone, mingling with new people every day through Sooyoung, our ex-neighbour and childhood playmate. I could strike up simple conversations with them through understandable hand gestures or more commonly, typing my thoughts on the phone. However, those interactions with others are just simply, different. Different from the ones I had with Tiffany.

Subsequently, I began to devote more time on drawing, and it has become the other channel whereby I could express myself freely. I spent my days setting up a small booth along the busy street of Seoul to provide portrait sketching services for tourists as well as selling some of my artworks. Today was no exceptional, as I lay out my paintings and sketches on the street under the sweltering afternoon sun.

I was bored and rigid while waiting for some patrons to come. Unlike the usual whereby I would casually draw some scenes on the street to pass the time, I took notice of the new advertising poster hanging outside a shop just across the street. It illustrates a girl with angel wings, which made me, relate to Tiffany again unintentionally. With the charcoal pencil in my hand, I begin to draw fine on the blank white paper, slowly doodling out the lovely features of the ‘angel’ in my eyes. I was almost done with the sketch before hearing a high-pitched voice crashing into my ears,

“Mummy look! Unnie is drawing!”

I saw a little girl pulling her mother to my stall as she pointed at my unfinished sketch.  

“Unnie, is that an angel?”

I turned my attention to the tiny fellow and gave a wide smile after replying her question with a nod.

“She is pretty.”

I smiled at the child again in agreement as I added final touches to the drawing.

“Mummy, I want to buy that ‘angel’!”

This time, the smile on my face was short-lived as my lips droop to form a small frown.

Buy? Tiffany is not for sale.

“How much for this drawing, miss?” The middle-aged woman politely enquired.

How much? Tiffany is definitely immeasurable by monetary worth.

Sorry, this is not for sale. I scribbled the words onto a small piece of paper and showed it to the lady before giving a bow of apology.

“How about this, you state a price. My daughter likes it very much.”

Trying to crush me with her bags of money? Her antic was totally irksome. I shook my head as I refused her once again.

After receiving waves of rejection from me, the once cool-headed lady could not hold in any longer as she begin to lash a string of hurtful words that prick like thorns.

“Yah! You arrogant mute! Is there such a big deal about that drawing of yours?! It was just an ordinary sketch of an ordinary girl. What angel? It was just all a hoax for little children!”

You can despise and discriminate me, but you are not allowed to smear the image of my Tiffany.

I glared at the woman before rolling up my drawings to call it for a day. I did not feel the need to give further explanations as I doubt she would be able to understand me anyways. I head for home with a heavy heart, dragging along my shadow as the sun inches its way down the firmament.

After having a cold and refreshing shower, I habitually plopped down in front of my study desk and allow my hand to shuffle the mouse as I fixed my eyes on the blaring screen produced by the rectangular block in front of me.

I have been keeping in touch with Tiffany through written chat-logs on the net. Even so, no matter how much we yearn to stay connected, we still crumbled to the blatant reality of a distanced-relationship, the unhealthy effects brought about by time differences and individual commitments. Things are not any better whenever I saw those pictures shared by Tiffany and her new found friends on her social networking site. It only reminds me that things are not the same as before and I am not the ‘Taetae’ in her number one spot anymore, or so it seems.

I was left disappointed again when there were no new mails from her. Her last greeting was three weeks ago, when she thanked me for the self-drawn postcard that I had sent her. But me being me, I check my messenger inbox consistently, optimistic that she would reply one day.

Drowsiness was kicking in before I heard the notification sound from my messenger. I was keyed up again upon seeing the new mail that I have been looking forward to every day and night. I rubbed my eyes in both disbelief and weariness as I proceed to click it open.

“Taetae ah… I’m sorry that I have not been replying for the past few weeks. I was tied up with the graduation stuffs. Guess what surprise I have for you? Kekekekekekeke…. I am coming back tomorrow.”

Our paths will cross again, I am thinking about you every time I close my eyes. You’re everything.

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i'm considering posting the chaps every week.... since there's only 15 chaps =)

do comment if u can ^^