i haven't really thought about it before. you seemed to know me more than myself. i just brushed it off. i just brushed you off. put you on my friends' list and didn't thought of anything above that.


you smiled at me and i smiled back. you always smile when we see each other in the hallway. you might not know but your smiles are like sunshine. they are like my energy booster. everytime you smile at me like that, everytime you stopped in front of me and accompany me--till someone would drag you away from me because it's already time for you and the others to rehearse-- has always give me the strength that i need. from then on, i put you a step higher on everyone i called 'friends' i put you on my close friend's list where there are only three of you there.


time goes by and i put you on my best friend's list. at the moment, you and my mother were the only people on that list. so i treasure you as much as i treasure my mother. you are my best friend after all. you still encourage me. you still give me the confidence that i need. you still give me the smile that i need. and in return, i always try my best to encourage you, to give you confidence and to give you the best and genuine smile that i can give. those are the only thing that i can do for you in return. i know i cannot always give you a smile, or encouraging words or a pat on your back cause sometimes i am just too selfish and too blind to see what you have been doing and what i have been missing.


I haven't really thought about it until someone managed to point it out.  for years of working together in the same group and in the same subgroup, someone managed to point it out. shige once asked me 'why are you holding yourself back?' i got confused at his question. i asked him 'what?' but he just shook his head and told me 'see it for yourself'


and i really did see it. for the first time since we met each other, since we smile at each other as our path crosses in the hallway, even before, when i first saw those eyes staring at me, finally, i see it. i just brush it off before, but now, i don't think i can just brush it off like that.


i have always asked myself why you look at me differently. but i can't really distinguish how you look at me and how you look at other people. i only know that everytime i found you looking at me, i feel so different. you were looking and are still looking at me differently.


ever since shige pointed it out, i got conscious of myself. i got nervous and scared. expectedly, you saw the changed in my demeanor. 'you okay?' you asked me once. and i forced a smile on my face as i told you i'm okay. i know you saw through my cover but instead of asking me again, you choose to believe my lie.


"hey, i pointed it out not for you to avoid him. but for you to do it in return." shige once scolded me when he saw we are not in good condition. you were not really at fault. it was me. it was me who started avoiding you. it was me who feel different when you are near.


 "can i really do it in return, shige?" i asked shige with a small voice that made him look down at me on the floor. "am i even deserving? he has always been there for me since the beginning.. and i haven't done anything to him in ret-"


"you're wrong. you have been there for him since the beginning too. did you forget already? tegoshi, i told you, don't hold yourself back. i pointed it out because you were holding yourself. unconsciously, you are showing him and at the same time restraining your feelings."


"im afraid. shige what if-"


"don't start. koyama and i are here for the both of you. don't hurt yourself more tegoshi."


"you really think so?"


"yes. would you like to stay here and wait for massu or would you like to go with me back in our room?"


"eh?"


"massu has been looking for you and he seemed to be troubled. you should tell him your feelings, got it?"


i nodded and shige left the room where i hid myself to think. a minute after, the door opened and you entered the room. i see reluctance albeit sadness when you called me.


"te-tegoshi? are you really okay?" you asked.


i stare at your eyes and saw the pain, your pain of rejection, of my rejection. i immediately blamed myself when i see it. i thought about the times when i kept on ignoring your presence beside me and compared it to the times when i avoided you, not even letting you beside me. i hurt you... and that hurt me.


"come here, massu. sit beside me." i called, smiling a little as you eagerly took the steps forward, sliding down to sit beside me. as long as i felt your warm body beside me, i leaned my head on your shoulder. you stiffed for a sec before you softened beside me. i then straightened my knees and shifted a little closer to you. taking your hand into mine. locking your hand with mine. "i'm sorry... for avoiding you, i'm sorry." i whispered


"...it's okay." you answered. i might not be looking at your face right now yet i can clearly sense the pain in your voice.


"massu?"


"hmm?"


"if i'd tell you that i found the person i love with all my heart, will you let me share my happiness to you?" i asked, squeezing your hand when i feel your grip loosened around mine.


"of course... of course" you answered me, voice somewhat distant that made me look up at you. "im sorry. maybe next time. i still have some things to do" you added, hastily standing up, trying to cover the tears that have made its way on your cheeks.


i saw it though and i tried to follow you. "massu, wait." i called and run after you when you dashed toward the door. "wait. wait" i called again, encircling my hands around your stomach, stopping you from opening the door. "please wait massu." i inhaled sharply, resting my forehead on your nape, i added "i love you. i love you massu. i love you. i really really really love you." i whispered, hot tears running down my cheeks as i say it all over and over again.


i felt your body shivers uncontrollably. it made me tighten my grip around you. you put your hands over mine and pulled them up to your mouth. kissing each of my palms, you turned around to look at me in the eyes. slowly, you put my hands around your waist and you put your arms around my shoulder.


"massu" i called as i let my tears fell. burying my face on your shoulder.


you pulled me even closer, finding a position in the crook of my neck. "i love you too" you whispered and i can't stop myself on nodding. just because yes. yes. yes, of course we love each other.


        after a moment of holding each other tight, they pulled away from the embrace but still remained too close to each other. too close that they can feel each other's warm breath on their faces. masuda smiled at him and he felt himself smiling back at him. they were still smiling at each other till there noses touched. instantly, they dropped their smiles and closed their eyes. the moment that his lips touched masuda's he thought of freezing the moment in his mind. it was just an innocent first kiss. not awkward but too sweet. too sweet  but he didn't care. they kissed again and again. and again. passionately, intimately, catching each other's noises.


maybe, it's not just the way you looked at me. maybe it is also how i looked back at you. maybe at that time, when our eyes met, our hearts had already found their missing piece.


i have been thinking about this all this time. thank you massu, for everything. for being there since the beginning. i love you, partner.



'Cause there's somethin' in the way you look at me

It's as if my heart knows

You're the missing piece

You make me believe

That there's nothing in this world I can't be

I never know what you see

But there's somethin' in the way you look at me




A/N2: /hides to the north pole after posting. XD