I'm still loving you. Oh my baby, only you. Baby, baby.

He always says the exact opposite of what he feels. Denying the truth that he still love Tegoshi. He still love him so much that it hurts. Why he denies everything, he doesn't know. Maybe because of fear. Of fear that Tegoshi had already moved on. Of fear that Tegoshi had already put him behind, in his past. Past is past, right? Of fear of everything. He ended everything. He is the one who did it. He thought it is what he wanted. He didn't even consider Tegoshi's feelings when he ended it all. He only considers what he felt at that time. He was tired and then Tegoshi whined about not seeing him for a week and then he blurted it out. He didn't hear when Tegoshi's voice quiver. He didn't see how the younger's posture became stiff. He didn't open his eyes when Tegoshi asked him if that was what he really wanted. He just exhaled loudly then coldly told him Yes. He had done it that time so why can't he follow what his mind is telling him now? That is to just grab Tegoshi away from Shige every time the younger one put his chin on Tegoshi's shoulder. He knows that was an unreasonable reason because that was just for the photo shoot. To just put his arms around Tegoshi and act as his Knight every time Koyama would tickle him and tackle him. Tegoshi is laughing, smiling, so why can't he do the same? Tegoshi is doing his best to avoid him, that is reasonable but why can't he do the same? His eyes would always follow Tegoshi. His body would always move close to Tegoshi. He cannot stop moving closer to him that every time Koyama and Shige would stand beside Tegoshi, he would flash them a grateful yet sad smile.


Koyama asked him once, if he had already moved on. The older looked at him sadly when he said yes. Masuda looked at him in the eyes and he saw something in the older's eyes, it is as if he knows he is lying but do not want to interfere. If what he thought is true, he would want Koyama to interfere, or even Shige himself. He wants them to beat him till he can't feel anything anymore, maybe if that would happen, fear would be forgotten then he can say everything what he wanted to say. He had made a mistake and he won't do it again.


"Where is Tegoshi? I would like to talk to him" he asked, making Shige and Koyama stared at him  as if they heard it wrong.

"Uhh, you can't contact him now." Koyama sadly told him, confusing him.

"Koyama, I know what you are trying to do. But I really want to talk to him. I want to.. fix our relationship." He didn't know where his courage came from. He just felt it this morning after waking up on a very uncomfortable position on his sofa.

"He won't be back for at least three months." Shige answered. "Since we are on a break, he went to America to study." he added, exhaling when he just realized what he had told Masuda. "You know, Massu, if you want to follow him, you can. You.. really broke him. He wanted to forget or at least divert his attention that is why he is abroad. And I am telling you this because you said you want to fix your relationship. As much as I do not want to send you there, it is as clear as the weather today that you are the only one who can bring him back. So don't come back without-- Oi!"

He ran. As fast as his feet can bring him, he ran away from NEWS room. Since when? No one told him. No one. If he had known.-- his thoughts was distracted when someone pulled his arm. He tried to to push the hand but stopped when he saw it was Koyama. The older dragged him to his car, opening the door and pushing him inside. Then Koyama went to the driver's seat, starting the car.


"Since when?" he voiced out and was surprised on how tiny his voice was as he looked at Koyama on the rear view mirror.

"Since last week." Koyama looked at him with a frown and then someone sniffed, making him looked at Koyama in the mirror again. "Massu, wipe your tears." the older smiled sadly at him.

"I-m I'm not.." he said and was surprised when he touched his wet cheeks. "No one told me he went abroad." he said and cleared his throat when his voice broke.

"That is because only few people knows.. and he wants to forget, remember? That is why no one told you."

"But still"

"And you are so afraid and so is Tego-chan. I do not want to shut my mouth anymore so I am telling you this, Massu... You didn't dare to say what you truly feel. You didn't dare to take the step.. and Tego-chan is so afraid of rejection. Your rejection. You know how he is when it comes to his special person, when it comes to relationships. But you. You pushed him away, you rejected him. He was really...  when I found him at my door a month ago... the Tegoshi that I found looking at me in the eyes a month ago is not Tegoshi at all. He... cried. He silently cried every night, for two weeks, Massu. He cries... but he smiles and laugh with us at work.. To be able to see that kind of Tegoshi... made me angry, Massu. It made me want to beat you up..."

"Kei-chan.." he said, with a small voice. "I'm sorry." his voice broke but he didn't care.

"Say sorry to him. not to me.." Koyama said softly, parking the car outside Masuda's house. "Now, go and do what you want to do. I'm going back to the jimusho to comfort Shige. I know he is guilty now because he spilled Tegoshi's whereabouts."

He nodded and then ran to the gates. He scrambled on the front door as he looked for his key on his pockets. Masuda cursed as the key won't open the door. He tried again and once the door made a click sound, he opened it harshly then run to the room where his clothes are. He hastily grabbed everything that he needed in the closet and when he remembered that he needed a bag, he dropped his clothes on the floor and grabbed the bag that is hanging near the door. The sense of organizing didn't occur to him as he pushed everything inside the bag, cursing when the bag won't close. One more curse, he lifted the opened bag and ran toward his bedroom. One glance at the suitcase lying on the sofa made him stop. With all the running and hastily grabbing things, he is convinced it made him exhausted. The sound of his bag being dropped on the floor alongside his heavy breathing echoed loudly on his ears. That was not around when he woke up that morning, right? And if Koyama was the one who brought the suitcase, he would at least tell Massu that he dropped by and left it, right? And also.. he took a deep breath as he recognized the suitcase. He traced his house from corner to corner, eyes stopping on the door of his bedroom.


He ran. That is what he thought he is doing. But no. He is not running. He is slowly taking small steps toward his bedroom. It feels like he reached the door after walking for hours. Masuda slowly opened it. And when he saw a figure lying on his bed, his emotions heightened. He cries silently as he took some steps forward, and stares at the sleeping face of the person he loves the most but he pushed away. The bed dipped as he put his weight on it. Masuda slowly lifts his shaking hand, one last move, he thought, one last move, he repeated, as he encircled his arm around Tegoshi's waist.

He sniffed as he pushed his head on Tegoshi's back. "Yu..ya" he called brokenly, more tears leaving his eyes. "Yuya.." he called again, hoping for Tegoshi to wake up. Hoping for Tegoshi to hear him. Hoping for Tegoshi to turn back. Hoping for Tegoshi to answer him. Hoping for Tegoshi to hold him back. Hoping for Tegoshi to.. No. He is the one who should say something. He should say it quickly if he didn't want Tegoshi to run and to turn his back on him. "...Yuya"

A move and he froze. Tegoshi turned around and encircled his arms around him, hugging him, pulling him to his chest. "Un? What is it, Massu?" he asked him warmly that it made him pull Tegoshi much closer to him.

"I'm sorry. I shouldn't have. I do not want to. I love you so much. I didn't think when I said that. I was tired but not with you. I do not want to. I love you so much. Please. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorr-"

"Shh..shh." Tegoshi hushed as he dropped a kiss on his head. His hands were busy comforting Masuda. One hand was patting Masuda on the back while the other hand was busy playing on his hair. After a while, when Masuda calmed down, he pulled away and felt Masuda tensed with his action. Tegoshi put a hand under his chin and made him look at him in the eyes. He slowly leaned in and kiss Masuda's eyes. "Feeling better?" he asked softly. Masuda shook his head, lips shaking as he looked Tegoshi in the eyes.

"Please don't leave me. I do not want you to go." Masuda plead, didn't care when he heard his voice oh so tiny and oh so high. "I'm really sorry. Please come back." his voice wavered on the last word. and he can't stop his eyes from tearing up now that he is looking at Tegoshi's eyes directly. "Yuya" his voice come out hoarsely "I.."

"I know.." Tegoshi said, leaning his forehead on his as he whispered the words he was waiting for "I love you too.. I still love you.. so much." he added softly, voice wavering as he called him. "...Massu."

----

"What now? I'm busy playing"

"Since when did you become a gamer?"

"Since Ninomiya-san traded my fishing rod for his ga- AH! I fall. Not bad. You ug-"

"Shige"

"Oh? i'm on the phone?.. what do you want"

"He didn't go to America! He didn't even tell me, Shige!"

"Koyama, don't shout. Okay? Or else, I'll hung up on you."

"He was just staying in his apartment and we didn't even know!"

"And why are you whispering now?!"

"You didn't want me to shout!"

"Okay, okay. Tegoshi told me that he postponed his flight and was about to leave but decided to sleep- that's what he said but what he is pointing out is that he doesn't want to forget and he wants to remember even Massu's smell-- and since he knows Massu won't be home he sneaked inside but then he ed up. He slept for more than an hour, heard Massu, confession, and then blah blah blah. Get it?"

"Why did he tell you?! He didn't tell me the details! I'm hurt!"

"Oh, don't be! Just be happy for them, okay!?"

"Oh, right. Oka-."

"Bye! Level up is waiting!"

"Wait Sh-"