Confession
I Wanna LoveRed leaves and a chill breeze danced together to make the afternoon light filter softly through the upstairs window. Byunghun was laying on the floor of Chanhee’s bedroom, staring at him absently. He wasn’t thinking anything concrete, just meandering thoughts as his eyes settled on the soft hair of Chanhee’s fringe. Chanhee was staring right back, his eyes tracing the lines of Byunghun’s lips; swooping down along the bottom lip before riding along the rollercoaster of his cupids bow. The sounds of a movie played in the background but no one was watching or listening to it at all.
Byunghun’s lips quirked and a soft smile interrupted Chanhee’s tracing. Chanhee smiled in reply without even knowing it. Byunghun’s mouth spread wider, grinning and showing his teeth a little.
“Yah,” He chuckled quietly, “What are you staring at?”
“Your lips,” Chanhee’s voice was so easy, so calm.
“Why?” Byunghun rolled onto his side, letting his hands flop into the space between them on the carpet.
“Because I like them.” The words fell out before Chanhee could stop them. Byunghun blushed and plucked at the fibres beneath his hands. Chanhee smiled a little more and turned his eyes to Byunghun’s fidgeting fingers. He looked back up to find Byugnhun lost in thought once more, staring at him.
“What are you staring at?” Chanhee asked.
“Your eyes.” The words were a whispered secret.
“Why?”
“Because I like them.” A begrudging admission and Byunghun’s eyes turned away once more. The fingers plucked and agitated the carpet furiously.
Chanhee rolled to his side to stare at Byunghun more fully. His hands fall into the space between them, taking one of Byunghun’s and stilling it’s movements.
Chanhee laced their fingers together naturally, as they always did when they were alone. He brought the hand up to his face and examined it thoroughly.
Bitten nails again, Byunghun always returned from holidays with ruined nails. The more time he spent at school and Chunji’s house the longer they got, until summer holidays came around again and all the work was lost. Chanhee gave a slight tut as he looked over the jagged edges.
Byunghun’s eyes were closed now.
Chanhee unlaced their fingers and turned the palm to face him. There was a small, shiny white scar just below the index finger. Small, maybe half a centimetre in diameter, it pulled the skin around it into a strange shape. Chanhee ran a soft fingertip over the scar and it’s odd edges.
“It was a cigarette.” Byunghun’s eyes didn’t open. “I was 8.”
Chanhee hesitated a moment before bringing the palm to his face and pressing a kiss into the scar.
Byunghun’s eyes flicked open and snapped shut again before Chanhee can notice. Chanhee continued his inspection, turning the hand over awkwardly. Byunghun gave a sigh of laughter but didn’t protest. Along the edge of the index finger was another scar, shiny and white with age. It was long and thin, running from the second knuckle down to the first. Chanhee traced it with his finger as well.
“Kitchen knife. I cut myself by accident.” Byunghun mumbled, wriggling a little to get comfortable again. Chanhee tutted with amusement, Byunghun was hopeless in the kitchen.
He turned the palm to the floor and let his fingers wander the calloused, bony knuckles. There were more scars here; long and thin in the shape of metal chopsticks. Chanhee didn’t want to know where they came from. He linked their fingers together again and let a small sigh escape him.
Byunghun’s eyes opened. Chanhee was still staring at the old scars that lined the back of his hand. Byunghun took Chanhee’s other hand and placed it over the scars, hiding them from view.
“Fixed,” Byunghun’s voice was almost inaudible.
Chanhee’s eyes found his instead.
“Hi,” Byunghun said.
“Hi.”
“Chan?”
“Yeah?”
“I love you.”
The words just dropped out of his mouth, like jewels falling into water.
“I love you too.”
A warm spreading of wine through his body. His toes curled and his heart stuttered like butterfly wings.
“Really?”
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