Part 1 - Chapter 1

I Wanna Love
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Part 1 - I’m Sick of Crying Every Single Day, I’m Letting It Go

 

1

"You can't do this to me!" Niel's pathetic cry followed Jilly from the apartment. She paused, hefting her duffel bag higher and squaring her shoulders.

"I have to. It's already done." She called back before disappearing down the stairs.

Niel slumped onto their bed, now his bed. Rather than looking at the empty half of the closet his head fell into his hands. Tears slipped through the lattice of his fingers and onto the floor. He wished more than anything that he could say this wasn't his fault; but he knew the truth. Some dark part of him was happy Jilly had left him. A darker part, still, was excited at the prospect of freedom.

Niel wrestled the feeling down into a corner of his broken heart and slammed a door shut against it. Just as he had for the last 2 months.

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HKG to YYZ - 1400 DEPARTURE GATE 32

Changhyun stared at the ticket. He checked his watch: 2:20pm. The plane would be leaving now.

He slapped the thin card against his palm. If only he could go back to being blindly in love. To not knowing anything about how he deserved to be treated. If only he had been treated better in the first place.

Changhyun exhaled, consciously unclenching his jaw and trying to calm the embers of anger burning in his stomach. The ticket had crumpled slightly in his fury. With a growl, he scrunched it into a ball and hurled it into the murky water.

Slipping the ring from his fourth finger it followed the ticket to the bottom of the bay.

It was time to move on.

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Swoosh. Clang. Thud.

The basketball fell to the ground, bouncing before Byunghun retrieved it. He slammed it against the concrete a few times before stopping and perching on the low concrete wall. Staring at the ground his thoughts wandered to Chanhee again.

Where was he right now? At the grocery store? At the apartment? Furious with Byunghun for standing him up again? Byunghun couldn't face him. Lately every time he saw Chanhee the normal happy giddiness was twisted and laced with a sludgy black worry. Worry that perhaps Byunghun wasn't good enough for Chanhee, that Chanhee was going to find someone better and Byunghun would be left behind.

Pulling his black hood over his platinum-blond hair he pushed the dark thoughts away. Bouncing his basketball and shooting once more.

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Jonghyun sat on the ferry, headphones blaring music into his brain. He stared at his wallet a moment before unfolding it and extracting a worn photo.

The woman smiled sweetly in that blank way people do when they're being photographed. She was pretty; in a boring, generic way. It was, by all means, a generic photo of a generic woman. That was the reason Jonghyun had chosen it.

Whoever she was she had served him well for the last 5 years. An easy explanation of why he was never seen with a woman. He would spout a well-rehearsed story of a long-distance relationship, produce the photo and be done with it.

Except now he didn't care.

He had come out, well and truly, before deciding to move to Hong Kong. It felt liberating, he was ready to begin again. He let the photo flutter out of his fingertips and into infinity. 

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Chanhee sat on the stairs, a ridiculous number of cans on the step below him. It wasn't his fault. Byunghun was supposed to be here by now. Actually, he was supposed to be here half an hour ago.

Ok, maybe he didn't need to eat all of the cans himself, and maybe he felt a bit nauseous but it was definitely Byunghun's fault.

In all their years, together Byunghun had always been the voice of reason, the stabilising factor. Something had gone wrong though. He missed dates, he didn't talk, he didn't seem to laugh. What scared Chanhee the most was the possibility that it was his own fault. What if Chanhee asked and Byunghun's answer to all his problems was Chanhee? No, he couldn't do that.

Instead, he opened another can of pineapple; unsure whether it was spite, fear, or an overdose of fruit that made his stomach turn.

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Bang Minsu leant against a pylon staring at the brown water. Jonghyun was due to arrive any minute and Minsu hoped having his dongsaeng in town would help him figure out what he should do next. Where else to look for the mysterious boy he'd met briefly. If you could call making out in a dark club "meeting".

That blurry night two months ago still gnawed at him. Minsu needed to find whoever he was, if only to try and get back to having a normal life again. Until he knew for sure he would only have a half-life.

The few people he had actually asked had already called him foolish for looking for one specific person in one of the craziest cities in the world. Minsu agreed with them but it made him more determined to find the man from the club. If one person in this city of millions had affected him that way surely it was a connection of fate.

Finally the ferry was docking. The heavy gangway slamming into place.

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Niel lay staring at the ceiling. Tracing the cracks and marks as he always did. The shock had finally worn off. He supposed he should do something. What did you do in a situation like this? Your girlfriend of two years leaves you without much of an explanation.

You get drunk.

With a heavy sigh he found his phone and called his best friend. As the phone rang, Niel battled with the memory from last time he was drunk. It only made things worse. The dark emotions rattled against the door in his heart.

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Changhyun wandered the streets, questioning his choices and dissecting himself in the eyes of strangers:

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Comments

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JooHunnit
#1
Chapter 27: This...this was one of the best things i have ever read
Really amazing writing, superb plot- placement and everything was perfect. I loved every character and....it was really spectacular.
IHaveRuinedMyLife
#2
Chapter 27: WOW! Just wow! It's been so long since I read a great, chaptered Teen Top fic, that I almost forgot that this is what I'm living for ㅋㅋ it's just that people don't seem to write them anymore... which is too sad ㅠㅠ
But it also means that I'm incredibly thankful you wrote this story!! I loved it so so so so much!! I'd even go so far, saying it is the best Teen Top fic I've read in... probably two years. I loved your way of describing the characters and the dynamics of each couple. ChangRick was SO ADORABLE in here~~ and ChunJoe were so bittersweet at first and perfect towards the end ♡ as for N.A.P.... it actually drove me crazy ㅋㅋ the moment Minsoo stood Niel up I was literally screaming at my phone ㅋㅋ but it also turned out to be so cute and fluffy and just the right amount of sap xD
so yeah... thumbs up for this!!! thank you so much for sharing~~ (and please continue writing Teen Top fics!! I sometimes feel like I'm the only person with an ongoing Teen Top fic that nobody even reads... it's sad... we need more Teen Top again~~)
chunjixbyungie
#3
Chapter 27: Do i have one ? Rofl . Byunghun can be hilarious sometimes ! I really liked the staring part and the whole what are you staring at.. Why ..because i like them .
Byunghun blushing and playing with the carpet too . very natural ~ he actually confessed first ! How surprising ! It was funny when chanhee said bec you are my best friend lol i bet Byunghun felt his stomach drop . That aside though , I get why he got angry the first time . i mean .. I may too with chanhee laughing in such situation . but the second time i was like .. does he have split personality ?
What angered him in " you better get used to it "?
The part where chanhee thought the doubts would come back but he'd be there to chase them off was so sweet and perfect as a closure ! Really liked it .
And of course we can't forget niel's part . so enjoyable and so funny * thumbs up *
chunjixbyungie
#4
Chapter 26: your brain is fantastically bad at sticking to one project and mine is that way with procrastination , which explains why I just got to read this NOW . I have no word to describe how fluffy and adorable ( Chanhee calling Byung a marshmallow is seriously the best thing ever ) this was ( realistic too ) Byunghun's thoughts about niel having everything he himself lacks and still being scared , unsure of himself .
it's ironic how someone may seem to lead a happy life when they are in fact being bullied .
I'll see you in about four months when i stop being lazy and finally read the next ch .
Dotoriji
#5
Chapter 27: My hearttttt is melting!!! This confession honestly explains so much more why Byunghun was the way that he was throughout the story... his doubts and insecurities. I love how Byunghun was the first to confess and say “I love you” but chanhee was the one to reassure him and really be there to chase Byunghun’s doubts away. Ahhh they’re just perfect for each other <3
Dotoriji
#6
Chapter 26: This is so sweet!!! Ahhhh I love this friendship T^T
Papoufruits
#7
Chapter 25: It felt a little sad that it's completed, though I'm really GLAD it is in a way too, haha. Unfinished fanfics are the worst sometimes... anyway, I love the theme of this story and how you wanted to include everyone's point of view. It kept the interest going.

As a suggestion, I'd love to read more about Byunghun and Chanhee's story when they were younger and how their relationship developed (maybe that's what you meant with "Byunghun's confession story"?). Thank you for this lovely story and can't wait to read more from you! <3
chunjixbyungie
#8
Chapter 25: Waah... Such a sweet ,satisfying ending ~
I enjoyed every moment of it !
Happiness was practically radiating from everyone . Minsoo's thoughts were so heartwarming along with Niel's of course whereas Jonghyun and Changhyun were so cute ~
Byunghun and chanhee ... Well the part when bh thought 11 years hadn't changed anything and not an even eternity will . * squeals *
It's awesome how you managed in just 25 chapters to write a story that's not rushed and not slow-paced either . It was perfect .
Thank you for sharing it with us !
<3
Dotoriji
#9
Chapter 25: I am so emotional omg I can't believe it's finished ㅜㅜ
The ending is perfect they're all together and happy...
I don't even know where to begin how to describe how much I enjoyed reading this story and just looking forward to the updates every week ahh I'm going to miss it
Thank you for making the ending so wonderful ㅜㅜ
Chanhee & byunghuns long strong relationship... it's like I can feel the love through the screen;; it's just so precious;; I definitely would love to read about byunghun's confession! (oh and if you're taking requests maybe about their first time?? askfkskdk)
Okay and Changhyun and Jonghyun can they be anymore cute?!? Throughout the whole story they were just so into each other and ugh the best. Now they both have rings to propose to each other! I wonder how that'll turn out lol
Niel being so happy for his best friends and minsu being happy for his new younger brothers made me so emotional ㅜㅜ those two are the perfect match and just so attached to each other seeing them so in love is so heartwarming like they finally found the one they've been looking for their whole lives~

Thank you again for writing this wonderful story!
I enjoyed it so much and I'll definitely be coming back to re-read it~!! <3
lazyfaceu #10
Chapter 25: i'm crying oh my god i screamed when i saw the "completed" status on this book