ANA POV more tragic flash backs

I don't think you would ever understand, or even try to understand. Unless you went through it. The pain and love I've felt over these last few years were like a blur. Only because I've tried to Shut most of it out and pretend it wasn’t happening, along with my thoughts of Sehun. And recently I have realized that it never permanently goes away. It always comes back. To creep up of what you tried to Shut out, and I hate it. I just plain hated it.

Sehun never deserve none of this. Hell he didn't deserve anything but the best, but I gave him the worst. There was No doubt that that I know how he felt when I treated him the way I did. But as always I thought of my own self I didn't care about his feelings only my own. It was the only thing just to help me sleep at night. because if not, then all I thought about was how wrong I was for being in love with him.

I would prey someday I would get better, someday I would make it though you know, but that didn't seem like it would happen as I would always have these thoughts of destruction, tearing me down and back to Sehun. No matter how hard I would try, Sehun was who I was utterly stupidly in love with. And it wouldn't change, no matter how hard I would try.no matter who I threw myself at.

And so, I came up with the idea: Maybe if I taught myself to hate him than maybe I wouldn't love him any more you know? And so, that's what I did. Four straight years it has been since I've done this and do you want to know the progress? Nothing, I still ing love him the Same as before, maybe even more. why am I still treating him this way? Because it would be a ing hassle to life, to just wake up one day and suddenly care! When you’re so into a routine, a habit, an addiction it’s hard to ing stop. I wish I could stop. Seeing him this way make me want to stop, but could I? Would I? It’s been going on for to damn long for me and try to take things back to how they were. And if I did, Sehun would ask so many questions that I wasn't ready for!

So Yeah, it's not easy or will it ever be easy. . I hate this, I hate it so much. What am I to do with life. Continue to hide, hide this forbidding secret and go on with life. No honestly, I don't think I'm going to last any longer I mean I almost just cracked to luhan because it was being to be too much again. I'm cracking, I'm breaking, and soon it's going to come out whether it's from my mouth or someone else's, that is if they find out without me telling them. Nobody knows this but me. And I would like to keep it that way. But these days I have not one Clue as to what’s going to happen it the future. Really this time it's unknown to me. Just like the future it’s supposed to be. Instead of me trying to create it

A few years ago

Finally, Sehun would leave me alone about hanging with his friends I had found new ones. My own crew. Someone to hang out with me without me feeling as if I might burst under the company of one of them. I mean it was good that I had my own friends and Sehun had his. I didn't feel as if at any moment, I would suffocate and die, because now that Sehun wasn't around 24/7, I could breath. I could finally breath.

I could tell that Sehun didn't like that fact that I was hanging with guys. But not his guy friends. He didn't understand the difference. It only leads him to believe that I hated him. Which wasn't true but it was best if uncorrected. he didn't never need to know and I didn't need to tell.it was best that way.

We would walk around in the house like strangers. Like we came into the world in different days. Like we never shared the Same womb, or the Same mom, we had really hit rock bottom then. We didn't know another anymore. And we couldn't recognize one another either. And again, it was best that way.

"Sehun, are you and Ana mad at another or something? You to seem a Little off?" Mom had asked Sehun at the dinner table and I had snapped my head up at his reply. I glared at him and he glared back. If he said something that would make things worse and piss me off..." ani, we just don't hang out as much. Ana has found new friends so we aren’t as close but I still love her and want to hang with her. But I understand. It was bound to happen right Ana." He smiled. And was it fake. But mom didn't notice neither would dad. They were so oblivious, I’m surprised they noticed this much.

"Right. " I said with the fake-ist smile I could plaster. "Oh, I'm so sad yebo our twins aren't as close as they were, but I'm happy you guys are finding yourself I never thought you two would separate, but it's a good thing my adults." Your mother said emotionally. But if she only knew, if she only knew.

I felt like I needed to throw up having the attention on me and sehun's relationship. I looked at sehun who was looking at his food. Pushing his fork around. He was done eating but he didn’t want to be rude and get up. We hardly spend time with our parents as is.

He looked up and met my eyes and we just stared as our mom went on and on about us having to grow up and how she remembers when… I looked away not because I couldn’t handle it but because I didn’t want our mom to ask what my problem was. Sehun kept staring at me though. I ignored him and I ignored our mom as she went on about me and his close used to be relationship. Eating slowly but surley.

-

"Your welcome." Sehun said as he passed me up on the stairs."

us both got to the top and stood in the area of the middle of the hallway.

"For what?" you rolled your eyes.

"For lying for you. We both know you hate me, and don't want to be around me he said with an sadness in his voice but then it disappeared. This was the first time he addressed or relationship as 'I know you HATE me' thing , and it never eneded there, from here on out he would go on and on in the future about it

"Just be thankful okay because next time I won't help you." he said harshly.

"I don't need you to ing help me Sehun." I said becoming angered by his cockiness getting in his fac quickly. "And I do ing hate you. I...I... wish you weren't my brother I wish you weren't here." And that there was the first time I pushed out the hate to him to cover up my insecurities. “the hate love” indicating I really didn't want him around. That was the first time I wished him dead. And I would never forget the hurt and sadness on his