Your POV

Today i'm going back to Seoul Hospital to meet my doctor again. I was only able to go today because of the trip i had with Junsu last week. I truly enjoyed myself. Junsu made sure that i was happy throughout the trip. He basically treated me like a princess. I was his princess.

Junsu wanted to accompany me to the hospital today but he has a photo shoot today for a clothing line. He even wanted to cancel it just to follow me to the hospital. I had to persuade him several times before he gave in. I didn't want him to neglect his work because of me. Besides, i'm sure that the results will be good. I'm sure the doctor just wants to scare me right? I mean, the Changmin told me i was cancer free, there's no way that the cancer can return that quick. I don't want it to return. Not now, not never.

My appointment is set at 3pm today and now its 1:20pm. Its still early, i know. I just wanted to take a breather before going to the hospital. I don't want to clog my mind up with my endless thoughts. I decided to head to the park right round the corner.

There were many little children at the park, which reminded me of my job. I took a leave of absence to go to the hospital. The headmaster at the school is very kind and caring about my situation. I told him everything and he was very understanding. He understands that my health is important. The little children looked so happy. I wonder if i will ever be able to have kids of my own.

I want to have a house of my own. I'll personally decorate the nursery for my baby to sleep in. When my child grows older, i'll get my husband to build a swing so that my child will be able to play with it everyday. When it comes to snack time, i'll bake cookies for him with him by my side. When its dinner time, i'll teach him how to use the chopsticks to pick up food. When he's all tired and sleepy, i'll tuck him in his bed and sing him to sleep. When he gets nightmares, i'll bring him to sleep with me and my husband. One kid isn't enough, i'm going to have so many that i'll be able to form a soccer team. Junsu likes soccer, thats why. My house will be fillled with the childrens' laughter and screams everyday. It'll be tiring, i bet, but its the kind of life that i yearn for. The kind of life which i'll never be able to have.


*


It's reaching 3pm now, i should get going. Somehow, my hearts feels so heavy. I have a weird feeling about my results. I know i shouldn't be thinking too much about it, but i just can't help it. I hailed for a cab and directed the ahjussi to the hospital.

Ah, the hospital. It never fails to freak me out. From the big glass doors to the smell of antiseptic all over the building. Plus the patients. I hate looking at sick people, even though i'm one of them. I just hate being reminded that i'm sick. I don't like being treated like i'm different from the rest. I took a seat outside the doctor's office and waited for the nurse to call me in. I took a glance at my watch, 2:55pm.

Those five minutes felt like five hours. My palms were so wet and my breathing was unstable. I was extremely nervous. I was afraid of the results. I didn't want to listen to any bad news.

"Miss              ?"

I immediately shot up when i heard my name being called. I wiped my palms on my jeans and followed the nurse into the room. 'Please let this be good. Please.'

The room was extremely cold as if the air-con was at full blast. I crossed my arms as i sat on the chair, waiting for the doctor to speak. He had a frown on his face as he was flipping over some pages in a file. He pushed his glasses up as he began to speak, "Good afternoon, Miss             . How have you been? I haven't seen you in almost two weeks.

"I...I've been good, nervous. but good," i said while trying to regain my composure. "Doctor, how's the result? Is it bad? Please tell me it isn't," my tears were welling up. I tried to hold them in.

"Well, first of all, i hope you won't give up on yourself after i tell you the news. I know battling cancer is a very, very difficult process, but trust me, you'll get through it. The tumour that we found in your brain turns out to be cancerous. But, we can't operate on it. Compared to the previous tumours that you had, we can't surgically remove it. It's still small, so we can use medicine to heal it. But, still, we can't be certain for sure that the tumour won't grow."

"T...then what happens if the tumour doesn't disappear? How long will i have?"

"About 6 months to 12 months max. I know this is hard for you to take in, but we will do our best to help you. For now, i need you to continue to eat your medicine regularly. I'll get the nurse to dispense you the medicine for the tumour. Come back in a month and we'll check up on the tumour, okay? I'll give you painkillers as well, just in case. Remember, if the pain ever gets too much, come here immediately."

Everything was too much for me to take in. Cancer? Again? Everything is too tiring for me, i'm too tired. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of having to constantly eat the bitter medicine. I'm tired to pretending to be okay when i'm not. Now what happens? Do i continue fighting or just give up?
I felt my phone vibrate and there was a message from Junsu.

From: Junsu
Hey, how was your result? Good right? I knew it, i told you not to worry so much. Come over my place tonight okay? I'll order food and we can celebrate together. Celebrate you being healthy again^^
I'll be waiting here till you come :D

                                      


I didn't reply to his text. I didn't know what to say to him. Tell him about my condition or lie to him again? He was so happy thinking i was healthy again. What do i tell him now?

*

I arrived at Junsu's house at 8pm. I spent the last couple of hours wandering the streets of Seoul. I entered in the code and the door opened. I wasn't in the best of moods.

"Oh, you've arrived? Wait, how did you get in?"

"I know the code to your house silly," i said to Junsu as i made my way to his sofa.

"Oh right! I totally forgot. Anyway, i've ordered pizza~~"

"Junsu ah, i have something to tell you --"

"Lets eat first okay?"

I sighed and gave in to him. 'Why am i doing this to myself?'

"Woah, this is nice, isn't it?" Junsu asked me with his mouth full of food. All i did was to smile in return.

*

"Hey baby? Are you okay? You didn't eat much during dinner." Junsu was about to touch my forehead but i stopped him, "I'm fine."

"Junsu ah, we need to talk--" i was cut off by the sound of his ringing phone.

I sighed and waited on the sofa as he talked over the phone with his friend. I thought it would just be a short chat, but it turned into a long conversation. I was getting impatient. I need to tell him.

"Junsu ah," i said while tugging at his sleeve to get his attention. He raised his hand, signalling me to wait.

"YAH KIM JUNSU!" Junsu was clearly shocked by my loud voice.

"Yah, i'll call you back tomorrow okay?" he said over the phone. "Are you okay? Why are you yelling?"

"I told you i needed to talk to you. You told me to wait and i have waited. Now give me the time that i deserve."

"Look baby, i'm really tired. Can't we talk tomorrow?"

"Don't baby me. I don't want to talk tomorrow, i want to talk NOW," i said while standing in front of him.

"What could be SO important that we have to talk now? Come on, i'm listening. Talk. You wanted us to talk. I'm listening, so talk."

"How can you such a jerk about this?"

"I told you i'm tired. Tomorrow won't disappear, you know. What is so important anyway? Huh?"

"I don't know? My health?" i said sarcastically.

"You're fine aren't you? What else is there to tell --"

"I'm dying."

"--me? The doctor said you're healthy right? Wait, what did you say?" his expression changed drastically.

"I said i'm dying, Kim Junsu."

I grabbed my bag and was about to leave his house when the held me by the elbows, "Where are you going?"

"Home. I don't want to bother you anymore. You're tired right? So sleep," i said before removing his hands off me and walking out his door.


'I was being a wasn't i? But i just couldn't help it. I'm tired. I really am. I'm so tired of living.'

 

-END OF CHAPTER-

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