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She gives herself three days to mope around, to cry, to be sad. She deserves that much and someone like Mingyu deserves that little of tears.

It’s hurt to let him go, especially when she just realized how much she loves him, but she thinks that if she carries the pain during final, it’s totally going to things up for her. Because concentrating on things other than Mingyu after he broke her heart seems like the world’s biggest chore. She tries to not, just to measure how attached to him she’d become.

The results are disturbing.

He’s in her mind every second. She keeps thinking of his stupid face, stupid scent and stupid touch. She grabs her phone every half hour, fighting the urge to curse on him just for the sake of contact. And it doesn’t help that every time she caresses her tummy, having personal time with her Banana, she can’t help thinking of the father as well. Because she can’t not. If the father isn’t the same person who doesn’t want anything to do with her, it will be much easier not to think of Banana and Mingyu as a package.

“You’ve got to toughen up,” Nayeon told her at three in the morning, the first night she spent hours crying. “If he’s like a drug to you, then you need to go through withdrawal. Keep yourself occupied. Don’t think.”

And that’s the advice she follows. It’s true. Her mental health could not afford to be ed, and so is her pregnancy. Distress cause pressure on her baby and she loves her baby too much not to let herself feel anything other than that. And her new goal is to love her baby more than infinity so she doesn’t have any more room in her heart for the one who holds the paternity.

To detach her feelings, she studies hard. And the exam really helps. She doesn’t think she would have loved to sit on an exam willingly but this time, it’s such a perfect distraction. She spends time in the library, going over chapters in her textbooks. In the spare time, she goes to baby shops to do a little shopping and keeps a note on the pricing of diapers, formula and even socks. She turns horrified by the time she comes up with monthly calculation but at least it’s the distraction she needs. By occupying her brain, her heart couldn’t catch up to her.

The whole week, she’s busy.

Drastically busy.

So busy that she doesn’t have time to glance back at the pair of eyes she can feel set on her most of the time.

It’s not me, she tells herself. He’s only watching for his baby.

Her routine has becoming a source of security for her. She hangs on to it and remind herself that she has so many things ahead of her—her baby, for one. She doesn’t have to be depressed over an undeserving guy. She has no time. She studies, exam, doing a little easy yoga for expecting mother, talk to Banana and repeat.

Mingyu contacts her a few times. He asks if she’s okay and she wants to pain him like he did to her so she says she’s not; but the baby is fine.

She remembers what he said before. Before—when he’s all about the talk—not considering what it would do to her feelings. “You should know by now the very idea of you and my baby getting hurt will pain me at the absolute deepest. Whoever cause you two that haven’t seen angry and madness just yet.”

What a load of bull. Look who did at the first turn.

By the end of the bone-crushing week, she manages to turn and locks eyes with him as she walks out of the exam hall and he’s standing in the foyer with few of his basketball team players. He looks terrible, and right now, it’s a good look on him. He stands straighter, as though it takes him off guard that she’s looking back. Then he smiles warily, and her heart does nothing. Lately, after escaping the excruciating pain, it feels like she’s losing grasp on reality. She’s losing interest. She’s at her numb phase. So heart-crushingly numb.

She looks away without smiling back and stuffs her earphones into her earbud, walking towards the parking lot.

As soon as she walks out, the yellow and the red of the autumn greets her. This is supposed to be her favorite season, but oh well. She walks, and the wind blows. It blows the scent of the fall, the leaves, and her sweater.

She feels how the front of her sweater brushing to her skin, showing a glimpse of the mold of her stomach. It’s getting rounder, and rounder means it’s a lot obvious it’s not her lunch. She sees how the girls walking opposite of her notice, but she keeps walking.

She’s numb. She doesn’t care anymore.

She promised to meet Nayeon and Jeonghan at Dunkin Donuts despite her preferring to just curl in bed and study but here she is. She walks out of her car and cringes a little at her parking skill. Right in the square but a little slanting to the left. She shrugs and walks inside, seeing two of her bestfriends doing that swapping face thing and laughing their asses off.

They look happy. Sana would like to be that happy, too. So she joins them, plastering a smile on her face.

“Hey, baby mama,” Jeonghan greets.

He found out last Thursday when Nayeon forced her to go out to dinner and she made a mistake of caressing her stomach—it’s a habit now—and Jeonghan just sort of frown at how unusually big it was and Sana didn’t budge, she just confessed it out right. He was like “holy , baby Jesus on the manger oh my ing holy Mary??!” and the strings went louder and longer when Sana told him it’s Mingyu’s baby. And the whole night, he went quiet and stared at nothing and every five minutes, he would mutter “holy …”

So, yeah. He managed to land back to earth somehow.

They talk about exam and Sana only has one paper left so she thinks she deserves at least three donuts. Early celebration could be a thing.

She laughs along with Jeonghan when Nayeon—well, she has a goal in life, a ridiculous goal, mind you, to shove an entire donut into . Seungcheol did it once and she’s not losing so any chance there’s a donut in her reach, she will try. She fails again today.

But unlike her previous failed attempts where she threw a little tantrum, this time, she genuinely grins. “It’s good to see you laugh. You depressed me the whole week more than my exam papers do.”

“I’m getting better now, thanks to you idiots.”

Jeonghan points to his face and Nayeon back and forth. “These idiots will force their way to be your child godparents, watch your mouth.”

Sana smirks. Her and Mingyu as parents, Nayeon and Jeonghan as godparents, her father as the grandfather. . . damn, her baby’s guardian angel will be so tired having to work double time.

“Do you think it’s going to be a girl? Or a boy?” Jeonghan swipes the powdered sugar on his side of the table with a tissue. “I’m betting on a girl.”

“It’s a boy.” Nayeon decides. “Her pregnancy seems to look relatively easy, her belly is low, she craves salty things, and she sleeps on the left.” She shrugs confidently.

Sana grimaces. “How is it significant which side I turn to when I sleep? And did you actually watch me sleep?”

“You’re right there, Sana. I can’t not see you. And also, I know everything.”

Sana rolls her eyes, but she can’t help wondering as well. Even though, there’s a small part of her wants to keep the gender as a surprise, curiousity wins and she has begun to count days to her next appointment.

Eight more days.

Whispers being heard, rumours going around, and despite it being an exam week, people still have time to mind other’s business that has no importance to them at all.

The rumours of her being Mingyu’s girlfriend died down after he clarified it like it is.

‘We are not dating.’

She might or might not have logged in as a guest, posting a comment out of rage.

‘AND THEY WILL NEVER DATE!’

She cried afterwards, but she’s okay now. She’s still partially numb.

And that’s why when there’s a new rumour of Mingyu impregnated a girl—her—she’s already out of s to give. It’s true but she doesn’t owe anyone an explanation. Unlike Mingyu, who has to save his reputation by announcing his availability and not considering how it might taint her image.

She’s officially one of his girl. The easy one. Hell, probably the easiest. Because the other girls jumped on his bed once. She did more than once. Way more than once. And she’s the one who ends up pregnant.

She touches her cheeks, trying to check if there’s unconscious wetness there but there’s none. She guesses she’s really done feeling.

It’s Sana’s last paper today. She bounces a little on her feet because she can’t wait for this to be over so she can go home. She will do that the first thing in the morning tomorrow because dear father doesn’t want her to drive late in the afternoon so she will have to wait.

It’s 9:30 a.m. when she walks out of the dorm building towards her car. Out of habit, she’s checking on her wallet to make sure she has her license and when she’s done checking, she looks up to find herself face to face with a stranger. He has a cap and an apron on. Also, a cup of steaming hot coffee and a small box of blueberry muffin in each sides of his hands.

“Miss Minatozaki?” He asks and Sana nods to confirm. “Good luck for your exam today,” he says, handing them over. “These are for you.”

Frowning, Sana takes them. “Thank you. Since when do coffee shops deliver?”

He shrugs, backing away. “We don’t.” He gives a parting smile and leaves.

In her daze, she forgets to ask who are they from but judging from the bird shape on top of the coffee, she thinks she has the big idea.

She hates that she tries so hard not to think of him, but he keeps pushing his way in when it’s him who left. She would like to dump the delivery into the trash, but she takes a sip before she can question herself . . . and of course it has to be the best coffee she has ever tasted.

She sighs. Desire to leave mounting and she keeps counting.

One more day and then she’s home.  

Her last paper is the one class she shares with Mingyu. She’s already seated and she doesn’t know how does she has her eyes trained on the door right when he walks in. Again, he looks terrible. Like he’s not sleeping right, not eating right. He doesn’t even bother to style his hair.

It’s unsettling. He’s not supposed to look like a mess when he’s the one who let go of something that could be so good.

His eyes searching and when they land on her, his eyes soften. When he makes his way to her, her heart—the one that she thinks is not capable of feeling anymore—starts to pick up rate.

She wonders if she was numb because she left her heart in his grip. And now he’s bringing it back to her. So it beats.

And she hates that it still beats for him. She owns that heart. He doesn’t deserve sharing it.

“Hey.” He takes a seat besides her, eyeing her warily.

She nods, starts to busying herself with her stationary.

“You get my delivery this morning?”

She nods again and he smiles.

“Thank you,” she says. And his smile widen. And that’s rude. Who the hell does he think he is, smiling like he didn’t break her heart? He didn’t even as much as apologize. She shifts her gaze at him, conveying as much hate as possible through her eyes. “But I really would prefer you to leave me alone, Mingyu.”

His face falls and it sets her nerves on fire. He has an audacity to look sad? Pfft.

Sana continues, this time with more edge to her voice but keeping it hushed. “I don’t know if you’re really that dense, but let me just spell it out to you. You. Broke. My. Heart. You left. Act like it.”

He takes a deep breath, closing his eyes. When he opens them again, they are cold and hard—like granite. “This is exactly why I stepped out before anything happens between us. If you’re already treating me like enemy right now, imagine if we decided to go through with a relationship.”

“I would’ve understand the circumstances, believe me. I would have if I get to make a decision too. But you took that away from me. You decided on your own. And now, this is me, deciding thing for myself. I would like you to go away and don’t dangle yourself in front of me, when you know you’re supposed to be out of reach.” She eyes the Professor is walking to the front of the hall and the exam will start in another 10 minutes. She looks at Mingyu. In a way, deep in her heart, she hates having to be mean at him, but this time, it’s her heart over his. Taking care of herself is her priority now. “Anything about our baby, I will tell you, I promise. But otherwise, we have nothing to talk about. And you don’t have to take care of me and be sweet or whatever. I don’t need that bull. Good luck for your paper.” She clears her table from anything but stationary, giving an absolute sign of dismissing him. Through her peripheral sight, he staggers away and her heart is heavy. She loves him, she wants to take all the pain radiates from his away but this is the way he wants it. He doesn’t want her love. And what he doesn’t want, he doesn’t get.

It’s probably the adrenaline, or how she tries hard to block out thoughts, but she has never done better on an exam.

At least when she walks out of the exam hall, she has something to smile about and keeps her head up high.

a/n  not a fun chapter, i know, i'm sorry. and also, this is absolute mess hahaha i'm in no mood to proofread.

see u guys again in the next update! i've decided that there will be extra chapters than i originally planned. and that is including epilogue and probably extended epilogue? because guys, i loveee epilogue. 

about this chapter, if you don't realize it yet, our Sana is a strong character. I don't quite like my female character weak. and about Mingyu, he will make up for this, he just needs to get his head pulls out from his a$$. but that's okay, bcs he doesn't have to be perfect. :)

thanks for reading!