[ Enjoy! <^_^> ]

11/11/2014

I met a boy.

His name's Sehun.

13/11/2014

He's really warm,

from the inside.

01/1/2015

For the first time, I

can sincerely say, things

are different.

It's a new year and things

are truly different.

And for the first time,

I've been happy.

Not fleeting, wistful happiness

but true, consuming, lasting

happiness.

Mom, I think he's my miracle.

12/1/2015

I'm scared.

I'm terrified.

Petrified.

I think I'm going to hurt

him. I don't want to.

I love him so much,

I've never held so much

conviction in any notion

before this but I'm sure with

every fiber, every atom of my miserable

being that I'm truly, sincerely and absolutely

in love with him.

But just like Dad hurt you Mom,

I'm afraid I'll hurt him.

Sehun's hands trembled. He was in a maze, bemused. But even in writing, Luhan saying that he loved Sehun made his heart flutter in unimaginable ways and he ached to hold him again, to hear it again, from his lips. He continued reading.

15/1/2015

I don't think I'm good for him.

He's so pure.

He's so precious.

But that monster also said he loved Mom.

But look at how things turned out.

What if I become like him?

What if I turn into an animal like him?

What if I hurt my Sehunnie?

My stomach hurts, just thinking about it.

I'd rather die a thousand times before I hurt

him. But I'm afraid that being a monster is in my

blood.

21/1/2015

He said he loved me.

What do I do?

24/2/2015

I feel so selfish.

I feel selfish for being happy.

I feel selfish for being in love.

I feel selfish for being in love with Sehun.

I feel selfish for feeling better.

I feel selfish for being alive.

Selfish.

03/3/2015

I'm trying hard to let go.

But where do I start?

Every time I look at him,

my heart hurts, to the point

that the idea of leaving him

steals the breath from my lungs

and makes me feel like I'm dying.

I've already found my precious gem,

the one specially made for me.

And I know that even if I search high

heaven and low hell,

I'll never find another like him.

I've already found my heart. So tell me,

how the hell do I tear it out? 

Earthquakes, volcanoes, tsunamis. Every disaster that could happen was taking place inside of Sehun right then. He gasped for air but it seemed the air was only poisoning him, choking him. Killing him. He suddenly remembered the conversation he had with Luhan asking him if he'd look for a replacement for something priceless. Sehun's whole body ached with regret as he remembered that he basically told Luhan he'd look for another to replace him. How could he have been so blind? And how could one bear pain as intense as such?

That entry was dated 03/03/2015, almost a whole year before the current date. A whole year before, Luhan, his darling Luhan, was planning to leave him. They were already doomed. There hadn't been a happily ever after written for them, right from the beginning. That was a chapter in their book that didn't exist. And that fact made Sehun almost dumb, deaf and blind with pain. But he read on anyway.