-the last-

Park Jimin never knew he could be this pathetic.

Jimin's May starts with the news of his aunt's final stage pancreatic cancer diagnosis. After his father hung up the phone, Jimin remains silent, not quite knowing what to say. Neither does he know where to look when his father buried his face in his palms, sitting with his back hunched, and it's almost as if he was a smaller man than Jimin remembers.

Time ticks past, before his father starts talking. He speaks of buying plane tickets that departs as soon as possible, of filing for emergency leave at work and that Jimin will not come because his mid-terms are approaching. Jimin can only offer a quiet okay, not really able to meet his father's eyes.

To be honest, Jimin doesn't have much memory of his aunt. While he spent equal time with both his father and mother's side of the family when he was younger, the early passing of his paternal grandparents eventually resulted in Jimin distancing with his father's side. Post elementary school, he's only religiously visited his maternal relatives on an annual basis and has always felt awkward when he has to talk to his paternal uncle and aunt over the phone, often forced to make lame promises of "I'll go back next school holiday if possible" - words that were never (and never intended to be) realised. He doesn't even feel bad about it, he barely feels attached to them and call him cold-blooded, but the fact that they share DNA doesn't mean sh*t to him, so needless to say he gives no fck about the Chinese stigma of how your paternal relatives are more significant than the maternal side. To hell with tradition, Jimin likes his maternal grandparents, uncles, aunts and cousins more.

He probably should feel terrible for not feeling much remorse for the fate of his aunt, but Jimin really doesn't quite care. If anything, he thinks it would have been better for her to pass. She suffered her whole life, burdened by the traditional social role of women in the Chinese society, neglected by her parents when opportunities of education was given, marrying a man who doesn’t treat her properly and raising a son who was an endless hole of demands. When Jimin was younger, he used to follow her to the factory she works at to play. She would take him around the ancient town on a bike, bring him down to the fields to catch dragonflies when she has the time, and cook whatever he demands. But Jimin remembers her sad eyes that never quite seemed to brighten, always dull and weary. She speaks of being tired of her life to 9-year-old Jimin. Words and sadness that Jimin didn't understand then, but can sort of guess the meaning hidden now.

So he isn't quite sure what's the mix (or the lack) of emotions when his dad told him that night that he's booked the morning flight on 5th May, and will probably not be back until 2 weeks later. He nodded his understanding as his dad calculated his living expenses, listed the basic chores he has to do and safety hacks. When his dad turns to leave his room, Jimin stares after him, and wonders if his dad feels lonely, having no one beside him to discuss the matter with and no one to rely on. Maybe things would have been easier for him if mom was here.

It's only when he's going to sleep when he realised that 5th May is also the night of the concert.

xxx

D-day approached quickly. At 5am, he sent his father off with a hug. Namjoon reached his place in the afternoon to help bring the fifty something goodie bags to school. On the bus, they talked of how they would sneak backstage and surprise the dancers, and hanging around until the concert's starting before they grab a good seat.

But things doesn’t quite go as planned. It rained and the bus was caught in a traffic jam, thus they arrived barely minutes before the concert started. And neither did they get to distribute the goodie bags down, being stopped by security when they approached backstage, like "when the hell do we actually hire security for concert events"? They ended up passing all the bags to Hoseok, who happened to walk by the door, and barely had time to wish him luck before they were waved off by the security guy.

Namjoon drags Jimin away, telling him to stop pouting "cause concert's starting in 5 Park Jimin come on!"

"But Jooooooooon we wrote all those good luck notes and they won't get to read it!"

"Yeah yeah, life fcks with us all the time and great, now all the good seats are taken up."

They ended up sitting in the very front row and watching the entire performance with their necks terribly craned, much to Namjoon's dismay because apparently his old bones can't handle the stress.

It was weird watching the concert rather than being part of the crew, but Jimin tries to enjoy himself nonetheless. But okay there are still moments when he can't help but point out mistakes to Namjoon, earning stink eyes from the parents sitting behind them. And as much as he hates Himchan as a person, he has to admit that Himchan knows his sh*t because those arrangements for Volare and Explosive were pretty good.

The encore stage was hilarious, consisting of the senior high crew freestyling on stage and all the junior high kids standing in a row down the stage, clapping and cheering excitedly as they jammed to the beat in the weirdest way ever.

"My eyes, they're burning," Namjoon leans over to whisper, and Jimin cringes as he agrees.

"Are those your juniors?" One of Namjoon's friends leans over to ask, to which Namjoon and Jimin replies "Nope, we definitely don't know them" almost simultaneously.

That may have been a bit loud, because the kids right in front of them turns to face them directly and gasps in shock. "OMG Jimin hyung!!! Since when are you here! And stop judging us omg I didn't want to do this!"

"Oh please Taehyun you were acting worse than the times you've been high on sugar."

"Shut up Jinwoo!"

Jimin really, really doesn't know them.

He really doesn't.

xxx  

After the final bow, Jimin follows Namjoon and friends out before the rest of the audience swarms up to the stage to get a picture with their performing friends. He bids Namjoon goodbye at the foyer, and watches him leave with his group of friends, before taking a seat at the benches.

A few minutes later, he starts feeling extra restless because there's more and more people around him, and amongst them, Jimin's the only one that's alone. And it makes him squirm, because being part of a small cohort of 400 that spends 6 years together, everyone more of less knows everyone, and Jimin doesn't want his loneliness to be seen.

He texts Jungkook that he'll wait for him at Macs, and leaves the school right after.

He'd walked a good distance away from the school, but he can still hear the commotion clearly, all the applause and flowers and compliments that was once his as well. The park between the school and the train station is empty, since Jimin has left earlier than most would, leaving him to trek through alone. No music is helping, so he unplugs his earpiece and walks, listening to his feet shuffling through the dead leaves until he steps onto the bridge.

The moon was kind of pretty, so Jimin stops to admire. Wind starts out of the blue, stirring up the scattered dead leaves on the floor, and soon Jimin was staring at a spiral of copper red. It was strangely beautiful. He stood rooted as he watch the leaves disperse when the wind dies out, then gather back when the wind picks up again.

He thinks of what his decision to quit had made him lose. The stage that was his for the past decade, the constant goals to work towards and the countless duty to fulfil.

All that, and Jeon Jungkook. The biggest loss that Jimin had failed to factor into consideration when he sent that email to Mdm Zhang.

And what did I get back? Jimin wonders. Free time, keeping my "section 1 pride", and what else?

Just a broken, lost and pathetic Park Jimin disintegrating as he chases after Jungkook, and restructuring at any bit of care shown.

He watches the leaves gather for the last time before fluttering lifelessly to the ground as the air finally stilled. He doesn't leave just yet, rather stayed a little longer, staring down at himself in the river.

We all fcked up, but if we talk, it'll be fixed, wouldn't it? Jimin thinks. Or at best, I'd know that I've tried.

… and if it doesn't work out, this will be the last time.

xxx

Jimin finally leaves the bridge behind him, heading towards Macs. He is too nauseous for a full meal although he barely ate dinner, so he orders a coke and sits down at their usual table to wait.

By the time he's halfway through the drink, the place is already packed to the brim with bustling friends and family who came after the concert for supper. Jimin looks around before looking back at himself, one lone taking up a four-seater.

He gulps down the drink at one go, and leaves.

xxx 

Jimin doesn't know where he can go without the chance of running into people that knew him, so he walks blindly. Muscle memory took over, guiding his steps to the train station. Jimin looks down at his phone. There's no texts or calls from his dad, he's probably spending time with his sister anyway.

And nothing from Jungkook.

Should I just go home? Jimin wonders as he slowly walks down the escalator.

He stops in front of the toilet sign, hesitates for a full minute, before entering. He locks himself in the furthest cubical, plugs in his earpiece, and opens Temple Run.

Just 5 minutes. Debriefs can be real long, right.

5 minutes. Maybe debrief is dragging, it always does.

Give it another 5 minutes. Maybe Jungkook's with his family.

5 more minutes. Jungkook's probably taking pictures with his friends.

Just 5 more minutes, I swear. Maybe Jungkook's waiting to change out of the costume.

...

...

...

The last time, really. Maybe… maybe… I don't know anymore.

Or maybe Jungkook doesn't care, maybe he's forgotten about you, another voice supplies in his head. Look at you, Park Jimin, you pathetic little thing, you think he really planned on meeting you? If he does, he would have at least texted you to tell you he'd be late or something.

Pfff. Stop making up other excuses. Jungkook isn't busy, he just isn't bothered.

Because you're the only one who cares, Park Jimin. You've lost from the very beginning when you left dance, Jungkook doesn't need you anymore, you were probably hella annoying to him anyways.

Why can't you see that you mean nothing to him, Park Jimin. Wake the hell up. 

xxx

Jimin eventually does leave, and by then the train station has largely emptied out, so he took a largely empty train and an equally empty bus all the way home.

When Jimin reaches home, he unlocks the door and stepped into pitch black darkness. No one waiting for him in the living room, chiding him for coming back this late, asking how did the concert go, was it cold, did you eat yet?

Oh right, dad's visiting his dying sister. Mom's still recovering from her last dialysis in her own parent's place.

Of course no one would be home, no one would be waiting for him, and of course no one would be missing him when he's gone.

He opens Wechat to report to his parents that he's home, only to see a voice message from his dad.

"Your aunt passed away. I- didn't get to see her for the last time."

What a night indeed. 

They say a shower always washes away the bad things that happened in the day. But when the water from the shower head rains on him, all he could do is to squat down and muffle his sobs between his knees.

Because the shower can't recreate the world that reality has smashed today.

And neither can it piece a defeated Park Jimin back.

-TBC-

Naggy author time as usual.

So this is the revamped chapter 6, the biggest difference lies in the front part. It was also something I was reluctant in addressing, I've avoided talking about my aunt for as long as I can remember, but it's ridiculous really. So yeah. And regarding the latter half… well yeah I would love to deny that it happened in real life, but yeah. Of the entire story, this is actually the only part that I've never told to anyone (never to any friends and not even on my blog, hell not even animals or plush toys or air), because it's just too pathetic and I try to never think about it. I initially wanted to avoid this part, just brief over with it like I did when I talked with jungkook-friend, but I guess I want to be honest for once.

And Agust D (and yes if you're wondering the chapter name is the title of track 7). In a sense, Yoongi's mixtape was relatable to me. And I have every respect in him for coming out and telling his struggles to people through powerful music. I was actually close to giving up on continuing this fic, to be frank. It's emotionally draining to write, when I try to portray the same emotions, try and go back to who I was and what happened - I may have moved on, but it's still kind of crazy when I look back and try to relive the emotions and bring the experience back to life with words. University have started and it's not exactly as amazing as I dreamt about, and I didn't want to dwell in past emotions. But then I see Min Yoongi. Suga. Augst D. He's went through a sh*t lot more problems than I did, and yet he's so fcking strong. He's shown such a human part of him through his mixtape and like, just, I don’t know. The new people that met me, people that have never seen me depressed looking, they never believe me when I jokingly talk about snippets of my past. I'm living into a model that I created. It's like I pushed away my past, shredded the old chapters out. But that isn't it. The book's incomplete. I'm not me without my past.

So yeah, I'll still be updating this, but really, no promises on the next chapter. Not really used to studying again lol.