-clown-

It goes down and down, at this point, I'm just a fool.

Today is the third time Jimin's waiting for Jungkook after school, as he sits at a canteen table with Bambam (who's waiting for Jackson to go home together), and this time it's a slightly longer wait than the previous times. Which is stupid to think about, because Jungkook always ends earlier than Jimin's.

Well, waiting for Jungkook isn't anything new to Jimin. Back when they had dance practice during the holidays, they would meet at the train station before walking to school together, and Jimin would usually reach earlier than Jungkook. It's mainly because Jimin has terrible time management and hates to be late, so he always makes it a point to leave his house early and ends up reaching way before the pre-arranged time. But back then, they'd exchange texts along the lines of "I reached muahahahaha" and "wtf man neko I got up extra early so I could win this time round" and " it up jeonnnnnnn" all the while until Jungkook steps out of the train to find Jimin sitting in the station ("you're so insignificant I could barely spot you" "what was that uh lemme get a microscope to hear that again" "a microscope is for seeing not hearing neko omg").

That was then. Now, "will be coming down in a while have stuff now" is the only thing Jimin's gotten, and he does not want to lower himself more to press further.

But it's no longer his option anymore, because Jackson is walking towards them (or to be exact, towards Bambam who is sitting with him), and that means the "stuff" Jungkook has is definitely not class-compulsory.

Jackson doesn't sit down, and Bambam doesn't stand up to leave either. Rather, Bambam studies Jackson for a while before asking, "aren't you in the same class as Jungkook?"

Awkward silence descends between the trio. Jimin doesn't say anything, Bambam fixes Jackson with an unwavering stare, and Jackson is fidgeting and shuffling about, biting on his lip and unconsciously grips at his bag strap as he avoids eye contact with Bambam.

And then he looked at Jimin, a look that killed off so much within him. This complex look mixed with pity and a lot of others Jimin doesn't have the energy to read because Jackson blurts out a "Jungkook's in the homeroom playing bridge with the rest."

The air gets out of Jimin's lungs and he feels torn apart. But at the same time he's also ridiculously awake as he holds Bambam back from getting up, hands curled into fists.

"What the hell, Jimin? Let me go!"

"No, but thanks," Jimin manages a weak smile.

It doesn't really do the job, but Bambam huffs and stops struggling.

Jimin starts to sit back down when Bambam grabbed him.

"Come on, Jimin, are you actually still gonna wait for him?" Bambam spits the "him" out and Jimin winces. "Walk with me and Jackson, let's go," he tugs at Jimin's arm, but Jimin gently removes his hand.

"How about you go off with Jackson first?" Jimin suggests, voice normal but not looking at Bambam. "Mrs Bok gave loads of homework just now and we're having geog again first period tomorrow."

Bambam frowns, "No, Jimin, what the hell? Come with us."

"No, go on ahead," Jimin says, and when he finally looks up to meet Bambam's eyes, he see Bambam give in bit by bit. "He'll come down soon," Jimin adds after a short while, but he isn't too sure who he's trying to convince here.

I deserve an Oscar is what Jimin thinks when he assures Bambam multiple times that it's okay, that he's okay, even though his best friend apparently values card games more than him.

Bambam eventually does leave with Jackson (who has not spoken after the confession), but shoots him worried looks the whole way. Jimin waves at them for the last time, before burying his face in his hands. He's left waiting by himself, in a canteen full of bustling tables and chattering friends.

Park Jimin feels forgotten by the world.

He feels ridiculously fcked up, because he discovers in despair that somehow, Jeon Jungkook isn't just a best friend, he's been made the centre of Park Jimin's tiny world, how or when is as unknown as the answer to what got Jimin to actually care about the dance club.

xxx

An unknown period of time passes, and the canteen has noticeably emptied out, before Jungkook sits down across him. Jimin doesn't look at him, but only grabs his wallet and leaves to buy food (he's supposed to be hungry one hour ago but he can't feel sh*t now so fck that). Jungkook chases after him in a swift motion after throwing his bag down. They got their food pretty soon because of the lack of queues past lunch time. Jimin refuses to talk to Jungkook, but Jungkook is god damn persistent. He talks of every bullsh*t story about his friends, his class, and of course, dance.

Honestly, sometimes Jimin wished that he could hate Jungkook. 

He tries to let his mind wander so that he won't have to hear Jungkook blabber about things that will just make him feel worse. He is not the most successful, but he manages to get into a partly zoned-out state where he's basically thinking of nothing but everything at the same time. Sounds enter and leave his ears, unprocessed, unremembered.

In that state, Jimin drops the cap of the bottle of fanta grape into the bowl of ramen, splashing the soup onto himself and Jungkook. The slight scorch on his hand pulled his mind back forcefully as he registers what's happened. After overcoming the initial shock, he mumbled a quick sorry and tries to get the bottle cap out using the chopsticks and failing badly. He almost splashed more soup out again when Jungkook starts laughing.

Jimin looks up to see Jungkook lean over and easily picked out the cap with his fingers. When Jimin mumbled a "gross", Jungkook only laughed more as he haunts for tissues in his bag with one hand and two clean fingers. Jimin throws him a packet, and forgives Jungkook for whatever emotional rollercoaster he'd put him through in the past hour just like that.

[The clown's struggles are easily rendered into a mere joke.]

xxx

After lunch they walk to the train station, but they missed the train and the next is only coming in 7 minutes, so they sat down and start talking.

It became a more serious talk somewhere when the train comes, and they simultaneously decide to wait for the next. Trains come and go, and each time they find new excuses for not leaving. On the first two times, they would share a look, "next one?" "yeah next" before continuing; by the third, they don't even bother to ask anymore.

Somewhere in between, Jungkook brings up Taehyung. How he's never been able to read him. How Taehyung doesn't tell him anything and he tries to piss him off to make him say his real thoughts. "I've been trying to push your buttons too, just to see your reaction," Jungkook admits. Jimin tells him that he's an . Jungkook only shrugs, saying that he does that to see how far he can go before the other person's persona will dissolve and show some of their true colours, "and it works".

"If I got into a car accident, I'm not even sure if Tae would come visit me in the hospital," he says. Jimin raises an eyebrow at that. "But you two have been friends for 2 years," he points out.

"I know, but I'm really not sure. You definitely would though, neko," Jungkook continues, stretching a little. Jimin rolls his eyes and tells him he won't and he shouldn't think of himself so highly, and to that Jungkook latches onto his arm and starts whining and the conversation goes off-track. Jimin doesn't admit it out loud, but he definitely would, and he probably would cry as well.

After a bit of play fighting and their usual insult rituals, they go back to serious talking. Jimin hesitantly asks about how he's handling it without Tae. "I do by fine," Jungkook answers after a while. "I mean, after some time he just won't mean much to me."

Jimin doesn't dare to ask if he falls under that kind of category too.

They somehow managed to leave by 5pm ("fck it's late" "we should go" "why did you only say that after that train left urgh now we have to wait another 7 minutes" "well sorry I wasn't expecting us to have this random conversation at the train station of all places" "why do we always have such talks in the weirdest ever place" "beats me"). Jimin curses Jungkook all the way throughout the journey home because he's caught in the rush hour and thus had to stand sandwiched between humans for the entire 28 minutes.

Jimin still has to admit that he's pretty happy that he and Jungkook shared a real talk since forever.

[Easily satisfied, easily laughing, easily happy once again.

Exactly what a clown should be like.]

xxx

And even though he tries not to think about it, he remembers that look that Jackson gave him earlier that afternoon.

It's nothing, he tells himself. You should be a more understanding friend, Park Jimin. People socialise. Jungkook has every right to hang out with his classmates. You should be happy for him. This is the only class he really liked, and you should be happy for him. There's nothing wrong about forgetting the time when you're having fun, and you should be happy for him.

… You should be happy for him.

Jimin feels like sh*t because as much as he knows he should be, he isn't, like what kind of a sh*tty friend is he to not even be able to be happy for his friend's happiness?

And you're just being oversensitive, he chides himself. You probably weren't even that upset, look at how fast you forgave him! You just want attention. Stop acting like a child.

Why are you angry at Jungkook telling you about dance? He just wants to share his life with you. Why're you not appreciating that? You of all people should know that dance is a major part of his life!

And who are you to demand anything from Jungkook? He doesn't owe you anything.

Jimin wants his inner voice to stop.

[What are you even expecting?

Don't be foolish.]

It to be as rational as you are emotional.

Because Park Jimin understands, he fcking understands all of it, yet he can't stop himself from feeling upset. The understanding makes him feel like trash. The argument with himself is tiring. It's stupid that he's the one to talk himself down.

xxx

When Jimin looks back, those were probably the toughest days. When he self-destructs on a daily basis, thinking too much into everything Jungkook talks about. When he is just in endless denial of hurting and being hurt, killing himself double as he makes up all sorts of excuses for Jungkook's sake such that he forgives Jungkook even before he sprouts any explanation. When he feels effectively alone, a kind of loneliness that he hasn't felt since Year 1 after he's finally learnt what are proper human interactions, something that he was deprived of back in elementary school thanks to social exclusion for an unknown reason. When he feels ridiculously insecure about what he and Jungkook are, especially with the living contrast of Bambam and Jackson right beside him, and for the first time, he was jealous of the bond between other people.

[The clown always tries to entertain the audience

No chance of the opposite happening, yeah

That's what clowns are for, no?]

And strangely, Park Jimin of 2016 thought that he'd quit using facebook since his clique fell apart, but when he actually went back once to check the date of a few dance events (because some university application forms can be damn detailed), he sees all his posts up till April 2014 speaking ambiguous words that no one but Jungkook should understand, and he sees this row of "Jeon Jungkook likes this" down his wall. While it intrigues him to an extent as to why he honestly remembers nothing (perhaps as he himself claims, he has selective memory skills), Jimin must also admit that seeing all that makes him kinda sick when he tried to image how sh*tty Park Jimin of 2014 felt when he saw those notifications.

[No, but tell me

Did I at least kept you entertained?]

xxx

Whatever it is, March concludes itself with foolish antics, and Jimin feels like a caged-up clown whenever he's around Jungkook. Trying to take insults, trying to look like he enjoys hearing about dance and Jungkook's classmates and every part of Jungkook's life that Jimin has no place in, trying to stay impassive, trying to hate Jungkook and failing, trying to lecture himself, and trying to tell people (or just himself, actually) that he's okay.

[The show ends, the dark curtain draws

The clown reaches to pull his thick masks off

And screams when he realised that he can't anymore.]

-TBC-

No naggy author time in this because this is a freaking double update don't you love me! 

FIYAAAAA.