joie de vivre-

You'll look back, miss that familiar weight and feel insecure of the emptiness,

But you'll come to see that you have no regrets

As 2014 nears to an end, Jimin decides to go through his things and reorganise the room. He was sorting through his stash of letters and gifts from his friends when he came across his journal from elementary school. The childish hard cover, slightly faded page colours, and his childhood handwriting in ballpoint pen. Jimin laughed heartily when he flips through the first few pages, where he wrote with huge, deeply imprinted letters complaining about his father. But slowly the chuckles die down in his throat as he reads on to the name list of "people I hate", recounting how he felt unfairly treated by the class, how he actually hoped that his teacher would side with him, how he was ashamed of his parents' nationality because that's what people used against him. Memories come crashing back in, shadows and overlapping figures, laughs and snorts drowning out all sounds in his world, a minor electric shock through his fingertips and a modified pen being thrown across the room, pacifying smiles and impatient waves…

Fck. Stop.

It hurts. It hurts to think about it again. Even if it was so long ago.

How many years has it been? Four, five?

Jimin had expected himself to be happy to graduate from elementary school. He didn't have much friends there, the class was full of bullies and the teacher favoured students who scored better. He pulled through with the sheer thought that "I'll prove that I can get into a good school", and also because he has Kes.

Kes, his best friend.

Or so he thought, as he gaps at how Kes slings an arm over the shoulder of one of Jimin's worse tormentor, someone whom Kes has always hated ("he's gonna be swallowed by a shark one day, just you wait"), and said, "Let's go, being in the presence of this loser is so frustrating. Can't believe I put up with him for two years, ugh."

When Park Jimin was 12 he learnt how easily everything could come crumbling down.

Memories have shrivelled away into a dark corner, only broken pieces of his younger self running out of the school gate, right into the rain, leaving behind such a festive atmosphere. And returning home to his mom.

When did Park Jimin become this good at lying?

Since 12, actually. When he stepped into the house and smiled brightly at his mom, and told her how the graduation party went well and a teacher even walked him to the bus stop with an umbrella but he still got wet cause the wind was really strong.

From that day onwards, Park Jimin learns and diligently practices the art of pretend. The art that keeps his parents from worrying. The art that keeps the world at arm's length. That art that keeps Jimin safe from hurting like he did before.

It was still tolerable when he was the laughing stock of the class. Because him and Kes would write crazy plots about their classmates during recess and after school, Kes would show him all the book series he reads and introduced him to all the stray cats. Because he has Kes to sit with during recess and make fun of that mean cleaner who's always trying to chase them out of their hide-out, then running away laughing while he chases after them with a broom. School was terrible, but he could bear it, because he has Kes.

But when this all turns out to be a lie, something just snaps.

Does Jimin act any differently?

No.

If anything he's just the same son in his parents' eyes.

Because you can't see how a person's values can change so drastically.

From that day onwards, Park Jimin carries this fear. This fear of socialising. Of making friends. Of trusting someone. This fear that doesn't go away, even as Jimin moves into a better school with better peers who tried to reach out to him.

But he pushed them all away because he's afraid of hurting again.

Kim Taehyung was an accident. They were balls of negativity when they first met during orientation. They bonded through complaining about how the camp was tiring and pointless.

Lee Donghae was a pure blessing. Donghae who went beyond his duty as a tablemate to keep Jimin alert in class and always tried to start conversations even though Jimin wasn't the most responsive.

Zhang Yixing was an unexplainable mystery. They were just attracted to each other. They have strikingly similar values on many things and despite all other differences, they found their way back to each other in year 3 and became a comforting presence online.

All these people's appearance played important roles in turning Jimin's life around and back on track, but one person just easily infiltrated into the system and took the crown. And that person is Jeon Jungkook.

After meeting Jungkook, he seems to cancel out everyone that Jimin has befriended. No one understood him like Jungkook did. No one could have this kind of conversations with him like Jungkook did. They don't quite have a concept of personal space, personal time. And when they are together, there's almost no space for anyone else to join.

And that eventually drove Jimin blind.

Blind to all the people around him who cares.

It's only when his relationship with Jungkook starts to cloud when he realise his eyes are clearing up.

When he was down, there has always been people around him, just that all he was able to think about was Jungkook, that he didn't see them.

There's Bambam who would write his birthday card months in advance, Bambam who always prepares small gifts on days like Friendship Day and other events, who took him in when he had nowhere to go. Bambam, the one who tolerated his mood swings during school hours, who was open to everything that Jimin poured out to him, who made lessons more tolerable with his jokes and antics. They bonded a lot more this year than in Junior High, and Jimin can't appreciate him more for keeping him company in a foreign class that he hasn't been able to blend into.

There's Yixing who is always ready to talk with him despite having problems of his own, Yixing who acts like his mirror, reflecting his own thoughts that he's scared of admitting to, Yixing whom he can speak to without the fear of being judged. Yixing, the kind of friend best described by cliche quotes, you don't always see him but he's always there. In this guarded world when everyone is changing and hiding away, Yixing is someone comfortable with showing him his raw soul.

There's Taehyung who would run over to check on Jimin with just one text of "I'm feverish and my groupmates are es", even though it was 10 minutes before his O-levels prelim paper, Taehyung who makes time for him without questioning anything, Taehyung who listens without interrupting and always backing him up despite the nonsensical logic he's making. They've never been the closest all these years, but have always looked out for each other. Without realising it, they've actually been acquainted for 5 full years now, and Taehyung has been slowly lowering his guard and trusting Jimin with something more than mundane talk (call him ridiculous but Jimin almost teared up when Taehyung shyly showed him a love letter and asked what he should do about it). Taehyung is an honestly hard nut to crack, and they are crazy different people, but somehow this kid has been the only constant in Jimin's life in Bangtan High School.

There's Yoongi hyung who bought him a moonstone necklace for his birthday because Jimin mentioned it once, Yoongi hyung who went out of his way to help his hopeless math while tolerating all that whining, Yoongi hyung who helped shoulder most of the burden of photogs because he understands that Jimin isn't ready for commitment. Yoongi hyung who has helped him in so many ways, yet somehow never made Jimin feel like he was obliged to do so.

There's Donghae who told Jimin stories of a world that he didn't believe in - a world of beautiful colours and beautiful people, a world where there is more good than bad, a world that embraces the broken hearts. Donghae who showered Jimin with patience and eventually coaxed Jimin a little bit out of his shell, always telling him that he deserves the best, although Jimin never quite believed him then. Donghae who was the first to really try and approach Jimin and guided his baby steps back into reality.

There's Namjoon who is always ready to listen despite his crazy schedule, Namjoon who is reliable with his good advice and subtle guidance, Namjoon who was the first to hear Jimin's story both as a witness and a part of what he left behind. Namjoon who became even more like a comrade after they quit on dance together.

There's Kyungsoo who trusted Jimin more than he trusted himself, Kyungsoo who reminded Jimin too much of himself, Kyungsoo who is there at 2am to listen to Jimin rant. They met each other at their worse, and he finds comfort in improving together.

And there's his parents. His dad who is a failure with words and often drives Jimin up a tree, but is the sturdy support back home at all times, who speaks through action rather than words and is more sensitive to Jimin's mood than he ever gives him credit for. His mom who regrets leaving her son behind due to her own health issues, who sends Jimin offtune versions of the happy birthday song to cheer him up even if she had to record those embarrassing audio tracks in public. His parents who tolerated how poor a son Jimin is, with his terrible attitude and grades, who loved him unconditionally despite all.

All these are the people around him that Jimin ought to appreciate, beautiful people that he can finally see now that he's less blinded by Jungkook.

That while it was a lonely battle, he was never truly alone all along.

xxx

And finally, Jimin found a day to sit down, and reflect about how he thought about quitting dance. It had always been a complicated thing for him, and the Jungkook element had messed with how he accessed it, so almost one year after quitting dance, Park Jimin finally finds himself realising that he doesn't regret quitting, not one bit.

Dance… the only thing that Park Jimin has been doing consistently for an entire decade. It is beyond a hobby for Jimin, it's a channel for the intimate sentiments that he is shy of voicing aloud, it's the way for him to express thoughts that his emotionally-constipated self cannot, it's something that takes Jimin outside of the real world for as long as the music sounds.

Dance had always meant a lot to Jimin. It doesn't need questioning. It's less clear as to why, but Jimin ends up caring equally much for the dance club as well.  

The first time he stepped in to help was the 2012 Open House. Then came a second time, a third. Slowly, it becomes some sort of default in everyone's eyes, and no one questions if that was what Jimin wanted anymore.

If dance was some sort of career, for Jimin it peaked in the 2013 SYF* performance. It was that one performance that they spent months preparing for. Jimin and Jungkook had broken down multiple times in the process, yelled at the juniors and gotten into heated quarrels with their teachers over. It was the performance that they thought was going to flop judging off how they fcked up the rehearsal, yet when it was the actual thing, it was the most perfect performance they've ever put together. It was the day when the student instructors cried in front of the crew - in fact, Jungkook had started crying ever since the final bow, Jimin only managed to hold it in until they exited the hall and when he turned to look, Hoseok's been doing his one-eye-crying thing since god knows when.

(*A/N: SYF is a national-scale comeptetion held every two years for all performing arts)

That day, they stood in front of the crew to give a proper speech, about how they weren't the best student instructors and have yelled for too many reasons and were crazy demanding and they're so sorry for being mean and so thankful that the crew tolerated all that. After Jimin blabbered whatever that is through tears, the juniors turn to look at Jungkook expectantly, only for him to groan and say, "what to do, you just said everything for me", and Hoseok was barely literate through the storm of tears so someone yelled "group hug!" and it was just a mess of bodies afterwards. It was the day when the seniors seemed less hateable as they came down to help with the makeup and set ups and every mundane job in sight, when the juniors seemed to have grown up all of a sudden, coming up to hug them and saying words like "it was perfect" and "thank you so much". It was the final SYF for Jimin, and he couldn't have asked for a better crew to rock it.

Their last concert flew past with the blink of an eye. He held regrets with the atrocious outfits, imperfect performance, and in the end his parents still refused to attend - because they just couldn't agree with the amount of effort that Jimin poured into dance rather than academics. But despite those, his last stage was over. Just like that.

Handover was another emotional day, it felt surreal to pass on the title of student instructor onto someone else, and Jimin almost cried when reading through the letters that the juniors wrote for him. But handover didn't stop him from returning to oversee practice, although the Year 4s are supposed to be on study break. People seem to be confused as to who's in-charge, and everyone (the teachers, juniors, and seniors alike) tend to seek their advice first-hand, rather than the current exco. Fearing that the juniors will become over-reliant, combined with the piling academic stress (after all, he does need to hit that 2.4 GPA so that he won't be retained*, and seeing his current GPA as 2.17, that's quite dangerous), Jimin stops returning.

(*A/N: in my school, in your Year 4 finals you must score a 2.4/4 GPA to be promoted into Senior High as part of the integrated program, if you fail to do so you'll be retained and sent to the O-level class) 

When the seniors asked, "are you guys joining back?", they gave the unified answer "maybe". Minhyuk suggested that they all put dance as their second choice as a small revenge against how the seniors had been so demanding towards them, and everyone agreed. The shadow members of the batch dropped out, as expected, and Jimin was happy to see that Zico was one of those. Namjoon had to drop out because of his parents. And with that section allocation, Jimin drops out too.

It's a decision that caused Jimin to lose many things. That stage that he hasn't been absent from for a decade, his reputation in the team, and of course, Jungkook.

But he doesn't regret it. If he gets to turn back time, Jimin won't change a thing.

He no longer has to spend every day in the dance studio, pouring all his energy into managing the club and meeting unrealistic expectations. He gets to enjoy more time for himself, attend photogs with a relaxed mind and spend more energy on his academics. And he's no longer blindfolded by someone, forgetting the other people around him that he should better appreciate.

Being student instructor may have taught him many things and he's grateful for every experience he's gained, but it's about time to come to terms with his decision, that perhaps it is best to end this commitment for the sake of himself.

And that, was one of the biggest takeaways from 2014, as Jimin slowly, but surely come to peace with himself.

-TBC-

Naggy author time! Alright so not gonna lie this is pretty poorly written, I'm rushing this out before I depart for my vacation and I think I really haven't updated in too long. I'll beta it when I'm back, this and all the previous chapters. This is the second half of chap 11, I didn't expect it to be this long if not I would have combined it into one sighs. Oh yeah, I re-wrote Intro because it's style was too different from the other chapters. 

Anyway this is the first update of many to come starting June, because I'm now on my summer break and I really do plan on finishing this before 2017 ends (I may or may not have said the same thing last year but LOL I'll try). We are left with 5 chapters and one epilogue and that's it :D 2014 has ended, and the story from now on will take huge leaps in time. To be very honest I'm not sure how I'll end this story because it's actually and ing kind of thing and recently some new stuff have been happening and I'm uncertain if those elements will be added. But yeah we'll see how it turns out.

Oh and if you're curious for theories after watching the jap ver of BST, you can check out my blog post.

The chapter name is to honour a sekai fic that I read in that period, I think the author took it off AFF, what a shame. It was a fic that sparked off a lot of reflection for me, I can't remember the exact content, but sth like "bullying and how to overcome it with the help of a friend who will eventually leave, you'll find new friends in the process but even as you move on you'll always rmb that friend and appreciate all he's done for you". Sth like that. 

Below is the original text of my writing, dated 2014 November. I'm putting it here because I think its one of my best-written Chinese pieces HAHAHA. Read on if you're interested, if not see you next time!

可我想我是不后悔的。如果一切从头，我还是会选择退出。

退一步海阔天空——我的生活不再满满的都是排练，有了更多自己的空间；不再有人用期望我，JCC的自在令我轻松；不再有一个古筝让我呕心沥血，我的精力交给了更多的地方；也不再有一个人，蒙住了我的双眼，让我为了她遗忘了周围更值得我珍惜的人。

我想这就是选择的双面性，无奈、纠结、妥协、认同、最后move on。

所以说，再见，古筝，再见。

再见，我的天真，我的迷茫，我的执着，我的两年，我的心血，我的荣耀，我的年少轻狂，我的全心投入，我的毫无保留。

再见，古筝。再见，朋友。再见，指导。

感谢你们教会我的一切，我祭奠我失去的所有，珍惜我从中所得，然后笑着迎向我的明天，我坚信那是美好的。

——如果小六那次是我人生一个转折点，放弃古筝是我一次新生。