-to a new me-

Because I'm not gonna antagonize myself over you anymore

Jimin's midterm results turn out to be a mess, he was in the bottom percentile of the cohort and his father was truly worried after attending the meet-the-teachers session. Jimin isn't too concerned, what's there to stress about his grades when he's barely studied for the exam? But his father definitely doesn't share his indifference, and when his mother called, she expressed equal concern. So Jimin gives in and promised to study harder. Such big words, though, because the syllabus is a lot harder and he's missed out quite a bit from the first semester. His Math, in particular, stood at a breaking record of 8% with all questions attempted. The school has probably never seen such a score. Nonetheless Jimin tries to study more, albeit a little half-hearted.

And the talk with Jungkook changed about nothing, except that it has revived Jimin's expectations, and gave Jungkook further confidence that Jimin cares that much. He hoped that things would be different, would become better, but instead it only gets worse.

Jungkook's still the same. Hangs around his friends all the time. Doesn’t initiate texts, doesn't initiate meetups. Always chirpy and hyper and around his friends. Always laughing and throwing snide comments. Jimin wants to wipe that grin off his face. And still as forgetful as ever - those damn photos from their Taiwan trip, how many months has it been that Jimin has been asking him to send it? Jimin passed him the thumb drive with his and Taehyung's camera collection in January, it has been an entire semester.

Day by day, Jimin's exhaustion grows. The push and pull game gets too tiring, and Jimin finds himself truly hating every moment of interaction with Jungkook because everything was just a painful reminder that things aren't the same anymore.

They ran into each other once in the toilet. Jimin hasn't been sleeping properly for days. Jungkook had jumped in to nag at him about his growing dark circles, and Jimin finally explodes.

"Who the fck are you to care," he snaps, voice icy cold as he smacks Jungkook's hand away. He stalks out of the toilet without looking back.

Till date, that was the harshest tone Jimin has ever used on a friend.

xxx

Somewhere between July and August, Jimin convinces himself to switch from the train to the bus. It's for convenience sake, he argues with himself. It's a direct route from his house to the school, he can grab sleep or study on the way, it can force him to wake up earlier so he'll study in school too, his grades have been terrible and this is the right way to bring good change.

He doesn't want to admit that it's actually because even the train brings back too many memories. The little arguments about not saying bye he'll have with Jungkook each time he alight to change lines; the times when Jungkook would alight with him and take the train all the way to Jimin's station; the talks and gay moments that made the entire train compartment shoot them judging looks.

It's painful to be reminded of the good times, so he switches to the bus instead. A new route that Jungkook was never a part of.

xxx

One Friday morning of August, Jimin walks into LC4 to set up the equipment for the club session later. He still has a while, so he threw his bag carelessly on a table and settles down to distract himself with his phone. Minutes later, Jungkook saunters in and drops down in the seat beside Jimin.

"You're early," Jimin states. "Photogs doesn't start until 20 minutes later."

"This is my current homeroom," Jungkook replies absent-mindedly, still gaming actively.

"Isn't your homeroom like, on the third floor of the other building?"

"Yeah, but one of my classmate broke her leg, so we're moved here," Jungkook mutters disinterestedly, pausing his game to take a sip of water.

"… For how long?"

"I dunno, at least a few months?"

"Right."

Jimin calls Yoongi to let him know about the situation as Jungkook resumes his gaming. He then texts their teacher in-charge to ask if she could secure a different location for their Friday sessions, especially because this will be going on for the next few months of morning sessions. Mrs Han replies in a while that she'll settle the issue by next week, but for today they'll still have the session at LC4.

Just as Jimin's texting a thank you in response, Seokjin enters the room and takes the seat adjacent to Jungkook. Jimin tries to not stare, but he still saw how Jungkook almost immediately paused his game to exchange greetings with his friend and conversation easily smoothed into yesterday's class and whatever. Standing up abruptly, Jimin gathers his things and moved to the teachers' desk. The slides are in dire need of a sudden (and unnecessary) makeover, so he busies himself with that. When two more people entered the room and clusters around Jungkook's table, Jimin plugs in his earpiece to tune them out with some hard metal rock songs.

He only tunes down the volume after Yoongi arrives, 10 minutes later. He ignored everyone else in the room and fills him in on what Mrs Han told him as Yoongi sets up the projector. Yoongi asked Jungkook and friends to move to the back of the room, to which they complied. The other members stream in one by one, and the session starts at 8 as per normal, just with the extra (and noisy) audience at the back.

Jimin didn't look at Jungkook's direction for the entire session, and when it's over, he packs up and left with the rest.

And as random as that is, it was the last straw for Jimin.

There's no specific reason. He's just suddenly so fed up.

xxx

16 August, 2014. Park Jimin decides to finally push Jeon, or perhaps he should call him Jungkook now, out of his life. Because he's hurt him every damn time despite promising not to. It's funny for him to have even imagined being able to last across all their differences. He has put in too much effort and made too much exceptions for Jungkook who took them all too delightedly, but that couldn't stop them from drifting apart, and now Jimin's just too tired to do anything more.

"I can only say that for you, I've tried, failed and tried again, but now I'm just gonna accept things and move on," He writes on his blog. "You weren't there when I needed you most, and even when I needed you all you gave me were sh*t excuses and hell be damned if I'm selfish, but you're not worth getting myself hurt anymore."

Like fck it's just not fair how sad you make me, to the extent even insensitive people like my dad are picking up signs and are asking me if something's happened at school. I forgot how to cry because of how you suffocate me, and it took me so long to find myself back again. Hell, I miss myself, the me that takes care of me.

So fck you and all our memories because hell no you're not worth my tears or sadness anymore.

I'm sorry if I'm not worth your effort, not. Don't be sorry either, because it changes nothing when I don't care anymore.

Let this be the last time I'm ever antagonising myself for you. From now on, let's just be strangers who used to know each other, or at least, they thought they do.

I just hope that we were sincere friends back then, that would be enough to remember. I'll forget all about us this year, because year 3 & 4 are better memories to keep. Thank you for being beside me once upon a time, and hi, let's know each other again.

My name is Jimin, I used to call you Jeon, but hey Jungkook, how's life so far?

xxx

After that blogpost, Jimin spams Taehyung with the 900 Taiwan photos from his camera.

Taetae: what ever happened to waiting for Jungkook's contribution before spamming me

Chimz: I gave up and I don't think we'll ever get his share anyway so

Chimz: here you go

Taetae: lil fcker my phone storage kns* (A/N: 'kns' is just short for a curse word in my country lol)

Taetae: !!!

Chimz: ur welcome :) :)

Taetae: you bij

Chimz: ^^

Taetae: but about time though

Taetae: the pictures, I mean

Chimz: I know

xxx

Jimin screws up his September common test as well, not exactly because he didn't start studying, but because he's struggling to catch up with the content he's missed the first semester that he gave up on himself due to his volatile emotional state. He is hence, dishonourably, suspended from club activities.

Mrs Han gathers the club members bordering on failure to talk. "We've never had this many members of the club doing so badly," she says, sounding thoroughly worried as she looks at Jimin, Jungkook, Zico and Tao in sequence. "Especially seeing that 2/3 of my exco are sitting here too."

Jimin drops his head in shame as Mrs Han proceeds to ask about what are the problems they faced in studying. This is why I shouldn't have ever been in exco again, he thinks bitterly. I can't even get a grip on myself.

"I can help you with math, you know," Jimin jumps when Yoongi, who sat in to listen, leans over to whispher.

"Thanks Yoongi hyung, but I'm really lagging behind by too much," Jimin says quietly. Yoongi only blinks sympathetically. "It's alright, we can work something out," He pats Jimin on the back comfortingly. "You'll be fine."

Jimin nods gratefully before he turns his atention back to Mrs Han, who's ending her talk.

"Well, I hope that with all club activities halting now, you guys will have more time and energy for your academics. You can approach me if you want to talk privately. Let's work hard, okay?" With that, Mrs Han dismisses them.

Jimin bids goodbye to Yoongi, who has a consultation with his biology teacher scheduled later, and leaves school. Jungkook falls in to walk beside him before he can start pulling out his earpiece, startling Jimin a little.

"Didn't get to talk to you much just now in there," Jungkook says. "How badly did you do?"

"Failed math, almost didn't pass geog, low passes for my other subjects except econs," Jimin responds. "You?"

"A little worse than you," Jungkook replies, shrugging. "Failed my physics and chem, low passes for the rest except math."

"Considering tuition?"

"Nah, not yet. Maybe next year though, if it's still this bad."

"I don't think you need it though, you aren't particularly stupid."

"Neither are you," Jungkook states. "What happened?"

Jimin doesn't answer.

Thankfully they're both distracted by the construction noises from the park. It's only at this point that Jimin realised that they've been walking in the direction to the train station.

"Damn, they're still not done yet?" Jungkook grumbles as they took a longer route to avoid the construction.

"How long has it been going on?" Jimin asks.

"About three or four weeks?" Jungkook replies, blinking in surprise. "You didn't know?"

"I changed to taking the bus a while ago, so I no longer take this route," Jimin explains.

"… I still do," Jungkook blurts after a while, and Jimin looks up at him in mild surprise.

"Oh, is it?" He offers helplessly. "Must be a bother then, with all that construction."

"Yeah," Jungkook chuckles sarcastically. "The government just can't let the roads be at peace for a moment."

Jimin rolls his eyes at that. "They have their reasons, it's for a better city image and whatever. Plus, I thought you liked changes."

"Not when it obstructs my favourite habit."

"… Jungkook, you're turning 17, it's about time you stop skipping along the road," Jimin deadpans.

"You're never too old to skip, and hey I won't be 17 until December!" Jungkook says indignantly.

"Sure, sure, it's already September anyway."

Conversation afterwards was semi-awkward as they talk about their own friends and own life. Jungkook's clique had  surprised a classmate with a cake at his own doorstep. "That's nice of yall, although I'm not sure if he appreciates his house being broken into."

"Well he was home alone, so he jolly well should appreciate us."

"Alright, alright, you guys are great, considerate friends."

"Why do you always sound like you're pacifyng me?!"

"Maybe because I am?"

"Mean..."

Jimin tells Jungkook about Kyungsoo, the guy in his PW group, and how they randomly just became friends. "Remember Suzy? That girl from your class last time?"

"Yeah what about that ."

"Wow mean, but I think that's Kyungsoo's ex and he's heartbroken as fck over her."

"Go figures, a with a creep."

"Be nice, Jungkook," Jimin chides. "You don't even know them personally."

"Suzy is a ! Remember when she used to try take advantage of Wendy?"

"Er, I'm not too clear about your class drama, but okay, point accepted. Not about Kyungsoo though, he's fine."

"I dunno. I don't get the best vibes from him."

"Alright, if you say so."

Before Jimin steps off the train, he makes sure to say bye. That was something Jimin nver does back then, and it was a habit of his that Jungkook found particularly frustating. Jimin always says it's fun to annoy Jungkook with this, and argues that there's no point in asying bye when they'll see each other again within the next 12 hours, but deep down, Jimin quietly wishes that if he doesn't say bye to Jungkook back, they really won't ever have to.

But soon, Jimin has came to realise that it's not your choice to make as to when two people will part ways.

So this time round, he bids Jungkook a goodbye. Because I don't even know when I'll see you next again, Jungkook-ah. And I don't like an ending without a proper goodbye.

For one moment, though, Jimin almost expects Jungkook to step out with him, like how he used to, and together they would take the train to Jimin's stop and spend the whole afternoon at White Sands again. But that was a stupid thought that Jimin was quick to dismiss.

Truth be told, being around Jungkook, even if it's just for ten plus minutes, has brought back the weird mix of emotions to Jimin. It's almost unfair as to how easily Jungkook just has that effect on Jimin, no matter how many times he claims to not care anymore.

"At that time, I guess I was over you, but my heart still wasn't fully at peace. I'm still a little mad at how unfair it is, that I've struggled all these time and you probably don't even know sh*t about how much you affected me. I wondered if you would ever know why, and what you've put me through. I wasn't fully alright yet, but I was on the right track."

- Park Jimin, 2016

-TBC-

Naggy author time! Phew what a long chapter, gotta write a long a/n then

(Same thing. Previous chapter beta-ed. This will be betaed when next chap is out.)

I have no idea why I'm writing this even though my deadlines are piling up lol, but enjoy. Early present for BTS' February come back? Haha. And yeah, as usual, the blogposts included here are almost taken word for word from my old posts (yeah, that quote in the foreword was from here), and that's where I get this kind of precise dates haha.

I'm sorry if sometimes the development doesn't seem to make sense, like why Jimin just suddenly gives up on Jungkook, I'm not able to explain every detail of the relationship between Jungkook and Jimin. It has been a while, and memories are vague, and the time period stretched too long. I've forgotten the exact forms of some stuff, and the timeline is very much a calculated guess based off my blogs. I hope the majority of the plot is still clear though haha. If there are parts that you can't see the jump, feel free to comment and ask.

And uh, if you're curious about the new character (Kyungsoo), yes he is one the new friends Jimin made and he played quite a role in his senior high days, especially the last year. His story is a bit complex and I'm still contemplating about how much I should include in this story, since I can draw parallels (but in a different sort of perspective). Maybe as a side story, I dunno. We'll see. The Suzy character also has a role to play later on (in chapter 14), so I suppose yall can backtrack here when we actually get there haha.

I wrote this listening to IOI's Downpour, damn I might start listening more to Woozi's work from now on. It all started because I was watching 2NE1's last MV… sighs. Anyway, some random music recommendations. DAY6's I'll Wait, Seohyun's Don't Say No, Dreamcatcher's Chase Me, NCT127's Limitless.

Anyway, from now on you'll see that the time starts to take huge leaps. Previous chapters go for one day, one week at a time. This chapter covers an entire term. The jump will only get wider, because I'm skipping all the irrelevant stuff with the Jungkook-Jimin line. The timeline for this story drags until 2016 April, so it's not exactly just the 2 years haha (it was supposed to be, in the old planning, but things took a turn and our paths crossed again in 2016 and we cleared up some stuff, so I revamped the plot and extended the profile a lil). We're now left with 7 more chapters if my planning is accurately executed! With any luck it will really be done by end of 2017 lol.

College life is going to be very fulfilling this semester, with the 5 (content heavy) mods and volunteer work (mentoring some secondary school kids), I have no idea maybe I have a suicide mission lol, thankfully this term there's a lot of cute boys around me hehehe. It will be a good experience though. Hopefully my GPA can be maintained? Or should I aim for a 3.4 HAHA I was reading this namjin fic (Beta Tau Sigma, second best namjin fic ever, best is To be with you omfg that fic i cant such a tearbomb) and this was their requirement and I'm like, omg ok let' adopt this goal LOL. When can I live with actual standards haha people around me all crazy for As and I'm just overly chill XD 

Until next time!