-begin-

Give me back my smile

Jimin woke up to the sounds of his phone's insistent buzzing. He feels like his head had taken a blow from a baseball bat and all the blood circulation is going wrong inside him. He's never been drunk before, but this is probably the worse a hangover ever will be, he decides. The events of last night is still burning in his memory, causing his skin to crawl in shame and his insides to knot together.

He growls at his phone that's dangerously near the edge of the bed, but eventually gave in and reached to save the device from crashing to the ground with the consistent vibrations driving it off the sheets.

Seriously, someone better be dying.

Well, okay, no one's dying, but it seems that the dance crew is still very hyped, spamming the group with backstage selfie, on-stage photos, group shots and whatnots. He allows whatsapp to direct him to the top of all the unread messages and briefly scrolls through while massaging his temple.

New notifications are still actively coming in, and Jimin thinks that the kids are way too energetic - he used to take an entire day to recover from what he and Jungkook called the "annual concert expectation stress syndrome". But it's probably because unlike the juniors who just have to worry about one to two performances, Jimin and Jungkook stressed over everything. From pre-concert training and choreograph adjustments to rehearsal stage movement; all that's ongoing backstage on D-Day and wherever (or whoever) that is needing to be saved, they need to be there, even offering medics to people who pulled a wrong nerve in their leg 5 minutes before the performance, and of course they'd try to make the other give the post-concert debrief (because they are both emotionally constipated people) before they can end it with their Macs ritual -

Jimin stops scrolling abruptly - he's done it again, thinking about Jungkook and dance and everything that he was not supposed to. Suddenly he's hearing crowds talking, he's seeing people swarm around him but all cleverly avoiding him at the same time, he's back at yesterday waiting for an explanation, a call, a text, for anything, really. He's the pathetic Park Jimin again, back on the page of history that he least needs to remember now.

Something bitter surges up within him and Jimin wants to hurl. He was about to mute the chat and throw his phone aside when he saw it.

"Zico was removed from the chat."

Jimin blinked twice to clear up his vision and stared at the words hard. He burst into laughter soon after confirming that it was indeed what's written. Soon he's laughing so hard he'd rolled off the bed. Still chortling, he dials Namjoon's number. The line connected slower than expected, and by then Jimin's all breathless from laughing as he tries to share his joy with his friend.

"Namjoon-ah, did you see, fcking Zico's removed from the dance chat, fck I bet with ya that fuker's probably so pissed right now, fcking piece of sh*t that did nothing and still got the damn achievement points, fck this is gold who did this-" Jimin gushes, still a little breathless, almost wheezing as he giggles maniacally.

Honestly, Jimin rarely does this. Being this downright blatant and mean about someone. But fck that today. Let Park Jimin be a today. Let him soak in someone else's mishaps to forget his own.

Namjoon's a little quiet on the other line, didn't he catch why Jimin's so overjoyed? "Didn't you see the chat?" He asks after a while. "Zico was-"

"I know, Jimin," Namjoon says after a pause. "I was removed too."

Fck, fck, fck.

Namjoon saves Jimin from any awkward response by saying "hey my mom's calling for me, we talk later yeah" and Jimin numbly bids him goodbye and hangs up. His eyes trails over to the phone screen that has returned to the chat that he last read to. He drags his shaking finger down a little and sees the next line.

"Namjoon was removed from the chat."

Great job, Park Jimin, you fcked up royally this time.

He bursts into hysterical laughter soon after, laughing at himself for his stupidity, laughing at dance who's now the most unappreciative sh*t in the world right now, laughing because he's never been this disappointed in humanity before. Remove Zico? Fcking go ahead, he never contributed any worthy sh*t anyway. But Namjoon? The Namjoon who split that 50 bucks worth of gifts with Jimin, the Namjoon who always strives to perfect his part and first to help anyone around him, the Namjoon who had been silently doing so much for dance ever since Year 3?

Mother fckers.

How dare they cancel all that Namjoon has done for them just because he chose to quit in Senior High.

The question only struck moments later when the rage for Namjoon's sake died. Why am I still in the group then? Why wasn't I removed like the others that quit at Senior High? Why?

Do they really still consider Jimin to be part of dance because he has returned to help occasionally? But do they really care? Do they? Or were they just scared of what Jungkook would do if he found out? Ha, how funny, Jungkook wouldn't bother, Jimin knows that.

Or have they simply forgotten about Jimin's existence all together? Doesn't think it would make a difference to have him in the group or not?

None of the reasons sounds nice, the last one in particular made him terribly nauseous.

His phone is still buzzing madly from new notifications from the chat, drawing Jimin's attention back. He stares at the hyperactive chatroom for a while, quietly debating his options, before he finally tapped "delete and exit group". His phone died right after, cancelling any other actions he wish to undo.

Better to leave myself than for them to figure out they missed someone out in their kick-out operation, Jimin figured.

Fck dance.

Fck Jeon Jungkook.

Fck every damn existing thing.

Jimin falls back into the dark trap of slumber, and dreams of horrid reminders of crowds, "okay"s and shattered mirrors all over the floor.

xxx

The next day, however, was a Monday. As much as Jimin wants to just stay in bed and wallow in self-pity and depression within closed walls and drawn curtains, he really isn't up for waiting hours just to get a lame MC from the polyclinic. Instead he climbs out of bed, washes up, grabs breakfast and drags himself to the bus stop. And amazingly, he did everything right that day except that he forgot about his tie.

So perhaps there's some value in hitting rock bottom, because from there on, you can only go up.

The biggest push in his life afterwards was someone unexpected. On a particular Wednesday, when Jimin was heading out of his literature class, Min Yoongi appeared at the door.

"I'm sorry that I have to do this but your attendance is really, really bad, Jimin," he starts. "You used to come for Fridays at least but you've even stopped that. Kris brought it up to me last week and I know you don't really like photography, but I think you should at least give it a try."

Jimin complies, only because he's bad with face to face confrontation and just wants to avoid trouble. It turned out better than expected, everyone was nice and none of the senior mentioned Jimin's absence in the previous months. Everyone was warm and accepting, and Jimin's Wednesdays no longer ends at 1.45pm.

And by some unknown forces, two weeks later Jimin finds himself standing in front of the club on a Friday and giving his (very screwed up) election speech for the vice-chairperson role. He got the role, mainly because he ran unopposed and the club is really small. Yoongi is chairperson, unsurprisingly. Tao's the secretary--treasurer. And Jimin sighs when he hears the results, accepting his fate of being in the exco* again. At least Yoongi isn't difficult to work with, he tells himself.

(*A/N: exco = executive committee)

He does, however, vow to never devote himself as he did with dance, because look how that fcked up, huh.

There were a few other club events after that, and Jimin gets involved with the planning - "gets involved", because the previous exco is a really dedicated batch that stayed behind to help out although they were not required to. Jimin's grateful because he really needs them to show him the ropes (and also because he's not exactly ready for the responsibility yet, seriously why can't he just be a member). The events were actually kinda fun, although he has no passion for it. He sends Taehyung a few of the photos, and Taehyung replied with multiple thumbs up and a screencap of Jimin's eyes crinkling from laughter in one.

Jimin finds himself liking the seniors a lot more than expected (given how he hated most dance seniors). There's the sassy (ex) vice-chair Kris (their teacher in charge calls it a club tradition to have a sarcastic vice-chair each year and Jimin only laughs), the kindest (ex) chairperson Suho, and the twins Daeryong and Soryong whom Jimin has learnt to distinguish by their hairstyles. And because Jimin actually likes them, he puts in more effort into planning their handover with Yoongi, or as he's recently getting closer to the mint-head, Yoongi hyung.

(Hyung, because Yoongi's a transfer student from aboard so he retained two levels to catch up and thus is in the same year as Jimin and the rest.)

And while Jimin doesn't care about the Photography Club, or photogs as he now calls it, he still does what's in his job scope or even going slightly beyond to fix the poor attendance and slack discipline of the club - call it a personal thing, but Jimin isn't the kind to sit around and tolerate that.

After a talk with their kindest teacher in charge, Mrs Han, they removed the inactive members from the club and Jimin follows that up with a low-key rage email to his batch mates, laying down ground rules. Discipline improved greatly from then on, and Jimin starts finalizing templates of attendance taking, proposals and other admin matters. Things are much more orderly after that, and Jimin must say he's pretty pleased with his work.

He still isn't attached to photogs, nope, but he guess he can live with its presence in his school life. After all, it is pretty boring to just be pouring over academics, and Yoongi makes fine company.

(What Jimin wouldn't admit was that being involved in photogs made him busier and kept his mind off things like dance and Jungkook, and he really, really appreciates that.)

xxx

It doesn't mean that Jungkook is fully out of his mind though, it still bothers him when he's less occupied with homework and planning. But Jimin's trying, trying to push those thoughts out of his mind, because he's tired of all it's brought him. The thought of "let's just let go already" pops up one day when he looks around himself and realises that he's doing so much better without Jeon Jungkook.

He talked to Namjoon about it first, asking if he thinks it's a loss if he were to give up on fixing things with Jungkook. Because Joon I don't think I can do this anymore, I'm so tired of always being the one trying and he just fcks with me every time, but I'm not sure if it's the right thing to do, we've shared so much and I'm not sure if I'm ready to let go of all that.

Namjoon quietly pats him as he listens to Jimin blabber.

"You know, I knew some of us will fall apart in Senior High, but I was thinking more like Zico and Hoseok," Namjoon says quietly after a while. "Never imagined that it will be you and Jungkook. You two were just so... so close."

Jimin chuckles humourlessly. "I don't think anyone foreseen that."

Namjoon pats his hand comfortingly but offers no other words.

"Do you think it's a loss if I stop being friends with jeon?" Jimin finally asks.

Namjoon falls silent for a moment, and Jimin doesn't push him.

"Yeah," he eventually says. "But I must say that you deserve better, Jimin-ah."

xxx

Jimin brings the exact question to Bambam the other day over break. And what Bambam told him was very different and strangely enlightening.

"Well I don't know just close you two were, Jiminnie, but that's the past, and if he isn't making you happy right now, then it probably isn't that much of a loss."

"I mean, I can't really make decisions for you or anything like that, as a friend I just want you to be happy. And I think that's what everyone should strive to be. So stay with people who make you happy, and don't keep people who make you sad around you, it's as simple as that."

"It's sad to admit but sometimes, there are some friends who are just not good for you, yaknow? Like, they're keeping you away from doing things that you want to and they are holding you back from infinite possibilities. You may have grown used to them and gotten attached along the way, but a ship can't sail when it's attached to an anchor, no?"

"Of course, you don't have to take my advice, to let go of such a big part of your past must be hard to do so suddenly - I mean I don't know what you and Jungkook were, but yall must have been quite something. But maybe, you can try to give it some space? Like, at least stop doing this to yourself for a while, try to see how it's like without overly focusing on Jungkook. After all, we do have mid-years to study for."

Those were the wisest words Jimin has ever heard from Bambam (and probably ever will actually, seeing how Bambam's usually such a carefree soul, scatter-minded, it actually worries Jimin from time to time).

Perhaps this was what he needed all along - not the advice from people like Namjoon who've seen how perfect he and Jeon once were, but someone who's never seen that but rather hopes for the best for Jimin alone.

A break from Jeon Jungkook sounds really nice.

So Jimin stops.

He stops writing unsent texts Jungkook, in fact he deletes their chat history because he doesn't want to see the last text of "I'll wait for you at Macs" sent that night, which till this day Jungkook hasn't replied to.

He stops trying to create run-ins in the toilets every morning and instead starts to avoid seeing him around school. When they have to be in the same room during Friday photogs sessions, he sticks to Yoongi and makes sure to only hang near Jungkook when there was a large enough group.

He still knows Jungkook's timetable better than his own, but that's more because Bambam has Jackson's timetable better memorised than the price adjustment process, and the information seeps into Jimin's ears even though he tries his best to only take it as "Jackson's class" and not "Jungkook's class" - it's hard, but he tries anyways.

He stops thinking about events of that night or good days as student instructor, rather turning to focus on his academics and even so slightly, photogs. He speaks up in tutorials, pays attentions to lectures and even signs up for the June holidays Hongkong geography trip with Bambam.

Jimin has to admit that he's much better off this way and he feels a whole lot more alive. Bambam tells him that this is the most he's seen him smile this year, and Jimin thanks him (for the comment, but more so for the advice that woke him up from his depressing form).

Deep down Jimin knows that this doesn't solve the problem, and he's not ready to let go of Jungkook yet, but right now, this will do and this is working for him, so he very much appreciates the break.

-TBC-

Naggy author's time is finally back woohoo! And nah not even gonna apologise for the infrequency of update (if there even is a frequency to begin with lol), and I'm sorry if you starve for consistent chapters. Unfortunately this is my fic and my life and I'll write it at whatever pace I can manage XD I understand if yall want to just wait until I complete the fic then read it because as a reader I do that a lot XD

(But idk BTS is coming back like right after my birthday so I MAY JUST BE INSPIRED FML BUT MY PROJECTS ARE COMING AND MY FINALS- just fck you bighit really but silver hair jimin DID YOU GUYS EVEN SEE HIM AINT HE BEAUTIFUL AND BLACK HAIR YOONGI AND HOSEOK FOREHEAD AND THE FCKING 3O SECONDS OF TEASER I JUST FCK WHY YOU RUINING MY LIFE SO EASILY IMA FCKING ALLERGIC TO APPLES NOW I TELL YA IF YOU KEEP THIS UP I WILL SUE YOU AT THE END OF THE YEAR)

And idk why the cover photo came out so huge LOL i had to make that on some website because i cant find a nice picture of that particular quote XD

Till next time!