Reviewer: Chindee

Now Listening: I Need A Doctor by Dr Dre ft. Eminem and Skylar Grey

Title: 5/5

I gave the title full marks as it’s part of a collection of one shots about the seven sins and it makes sense that the title would be based on the sin that you are writing about.

Poster: 7/10

The post was quite plain but it was able to clearly show the two main characters and the title of the one shot. I deducted points as I think it’s a little bit too plain and that the title could have been placed in a different place.

Description and Foreword: 10/10

The description is quite short but it is able to convey the main point of the story as well as introduce the main characters. Nicely done. J

Plot: 7/10

The plot seemed realistic at times; however there were some parts where I doubted if the events would occur at a high school. I liked how it showed the victim fighting back to the, it shows that not all victims are weak.

Originality: 8/15

The girl getting bullied by school mates has been used plenty of times, however you gave it your own twist to it. I deducted points as there some parts of the story have been used continuously.

Flow: 8/10

The story was written quite well, it seemed to flow well. I think you introduced too many events around the same time, you also introduced characters without clearly describing them.

Grammar/ vocabulary/punctuation/spelling: 11/20

The punctuation used fit well with the story and was done well. The main problem was the grammar and spelling.

“Damn it, that means I hafta get my offfa bed and start the about to be horrible day.” - You continuously use words such as “hafta”, “offfa”, etc. I understand that these ‘words’ are used as part of one’s daily life, however these ‘words’ aren’t actually words. You should use the full words such as “have to” or “off of”.

“Better yet, why can't is never start at all?” – I think this was a typo, the ‘is’ should be ‘it’.

“…but I was just plainly lazy…”  - I don’t think this makes sense, ‘but I was just being plain lazy’ makes more sense.

“Still, it seemed a bit impossible but whatever” – I think ‘improbable’ would be more suitable than impossible.

“LeSigh... I don't know anymore.” – I’m not sure that ‘lesigh’ is appropriate, maybe ‘she sighed’ would be more suitable.

“So the morning team was successful in their plan in the bus.” – I think ‘with’ and ‘on’ would make more sense. So the sentence should be ‘So the morning team was successful with their plan on the bus.’

“The coach stated and no one wanted to volunteer.” – Replace ‘and’ with ‘but’ and it’s perfect!

‘"I can't do this..." It's just to I dropped the ball helped her up.’ – Not really sure what this is meant to mean?

‘"YOU INHUMAN PERSON!"’ – It should be inhumane.

Other than those mistakes and mistakes similar to them, it was overall well done. 

Writing style: 8/10

I enjoyed your writing style as you were able to convey the characters thoughts as teenagers. However, I think you tend to create paragraphs that are too large and can be an eyesore for readers.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

I quite enjoyed your story, there were some bits that were quite exciting and peaked my interest.

In all, 72/100.

I hope that this review will be able to help you with your future fanfictions!

All the best,

Chindee.