Reviwed by; Joolay

Now playing; Justin bieber- Mistletoe

Title: 5/5

Honestly, I love the title. It was short and sweet. It wasn't the usual cliché titles that I've seen before. If I were to scroll down the page, I'll definitely be clicking your story because your title is really intriguing. So really, kudos to this area. 

Poster: 7/10

I liked the font for the title of the story. It suited your story plot about gaming. It showed a conversation of the online characters,  the pictures of the online characters and the real life characters. 

Description and Foreword: 4/10

Your description about the story was a 2-liner. It was rather interesting, It did make me interested in reading more. However, when you were describing your characters, I didn't really like the way you explained some points. For example, the point about Hoya helping out in his dad's internet cafe which Suzanna happens to frequent. You could have described that point the way I said it, so there's no need for brackets. You explained who's in love with who, so it made your story less exciting because you gave out some important points of the story. After all, this story still revolves around love, doesn't it? 

For your foreword, you wrote a personal message so there was nothing I could review on. To make people more interested in reading your story, you could probably give a short preview of the story, or some snips of the conversation in the story.

Plot: 6/10

I did mention that I like more realistic plots, and the fact that Suzanna knew the Korean language even though she just moved to Korea docked a point away. You didn't state why Suzanna could communicate with the people in Korea. Was Suzanna in an international school, so she didn't need to speak Korean to understand the rest? Or did Suzanna already know Korean because she learnt it for whatever the reason? If the latter was the reason, shouldn't Suzanna have a little bit of problem communicating in Korean? She may be a smart one, but there should be time for her to adapt to their language.

Suzanna being the smart one, nerd, but looking pretty without the glasses. Pretty common, but I guess I'll let go of this because readers would definitely like to read a story where the main girl is perfect, wouldn't they? 

Originality: 13/15

So far, I've haven't read anything about this kind of plot. Unique. Well done. It's not all about romance. It touches on self confidence too. 

Flow: 6/10

It was a little fast for me. I felt that you shouldn't have rushed to the point where Sungyeol and Suzanna was supposed to meet online. You could have written more about Suzanna's issue about the divorce, about her feelings, being torn between having to choose her mum or dad. It would make the readers sympathize more with Suzanna. The meeting of Sungyeol, Hoya and Suzanna, a little too fast too. All in one day, on Suzanna's first day of school, she met the both of them. Maybe, instead of meeting Hoya on the road, Suzanna could have met Hoya at the cyber cafe itself instead. 

Grammar/ vocabulary/punctuation/spelling: 14/20

The grammar and vocabulary was fine. There were some big words squished in sometimes. I didn't really spot many spelling mistakes and the punctuation was still acceptable.

writing style: 5/10

I didn't like the way you used the emoticons to replace words of description. For example, in chapter three where Suzanna was talking about her notebook, you used '^^' . If I interpreted right, that emoticon would represent Suzanna was laughing mischievously, or she was being cheeky. Instead of using emoticons, it would be better to describe it in words. You can make it more interesting for the readers if you were to describe more of the situation and the place. It makes it easier for your reader to imagine and of course, more enjoyable. I suggest you stop using '~' too as it also takes away words of describing the way the people talked. 

You wrote some of the words in hangul, which made it a little off. You have the story written in english and suddenly, some Korean language appears. I don't really recommend authors doing that as it makes the story less professional. Even if you were to insist on using it, do explain it on your side notes. It's best not to just assume that all of your readers would understand what is the meaning of the korean words you written. Basic korean words or not, it's best to explain.

Lastly, going back to the point about description, instead of writing 'kriiing!' to show that the bell rung, you could describe that the bell rang instead. E.g, ' The bell let out a loud shrill as a reminder of our next period/ etc.'

Overall enjoyment: 6/10

I can't say I was really interested in finding out what will happen next. Your plot  was a little predictable her and there and I had to add in many details by myself to allow my brain to imagine out the scenes. The main point of improving your writing for this story is to describe! 

In all, 66/100.  

I hoped this review helped, and I wish you luck in getting more suscribers! ;-p

hugs and kisses,

Joolay♡