Reviewer: Chindee

Now listening: Be My Baby by Wonder Girls

Title: 5/5

I like the title, it fits the story well.

Poster: 10/10

Love the poster! It shows all the important details.

Description and Foreword: 8/10

I deducted points as there are a few punctuation mistakes in your foreword, other than that it was done well!

Plot: 8/10

I loved the plot, there was so much suspense throughout the whole story.

Originality: 13/15

The plot was quite original; I have never read anything like it.

Flow: 8/10

The flow of the story was really suspenseful and mysterious. It fit the story very well.

Grammar/ vocabulary/punctuation/spelling: 14/20

The grammar and spelling were close to perfect in your one shot. There were just some minor mistakes with punctuation but still, very well done!

“She must be afraid of what lies ahead as she curled up beside the cat on the carpet.” – There should be a comma in that sentence, as it’s too long. ‘She must be afraid of what lies ahead, as she curled up beside the cat on the carpet.”

“We mostly spend every day hunting for food or walking.” -  It sounds a little awkward, maybe reword the sentence. ‘We spend almost every day hunting for food or walking’, sounds less awkward.

“There was a burn on her thigh which causes her to move slowly and I sense a fever going up when I touch her cheeks.” – ‘Sense’ should be ‘sensed’.

“She coughed and wiped a few sweat off of her forehead although the weather’s really cold.” – ‘A few’ doesn’t really make sense ‘some´ would make more sense. Adding a comma after ‘forehead’ would help improve the sentence too.

“She went to pick some berries for our brunch and while she was gone, I shot a fat roe that was wondering nearby.” – I think would be better if you split this sentence into two. ‘She went to pick some berries for our brunch. While she was gone, I shot a fat roe that was wandering nearby.’ You also used the wrong ‘wandering’.

“Chi…Why didn’t you sing back? And who told you you could walk this far away from me?” – TO avoid confusion, add a ‘that’ after the first ‘you’. So that the sentence should be, ‘Chi…Why didn’t you sing back? And who told you that you could walk this far away from me?’

“We hadn’t had a proper meal with meat in it in days.” – Replace ‘hadn’t’ with ‘haven’t’.

“I got my bow ready in case something or meat encounters us.” – I’m not quite sure of what you mean by ‘meat encounters us’.

“I was running and just when I thought it was hopeless, that I was wrong and we were still very far from the District, I saw remains of buildings” – This sentence is too long. ‘I was running and just when I thought it was hopeless. When I thought I was wrong and we were still very far from the district, I saw remains of buildings.’

“I caught her just in time the hovercraft dropped the net on the snow.” – Add a comma after ‘time’.

“the fever officially making her loose conscious.” – Just a minor spelling mistake ‘loose conscious’ should be ‘lose consciousness’.

Writing style: 8/10

Although I enjoyed this story, there is still some awkwardness around how you connect events together.

Overall enjoyment: 8/10

I really enjoyed the story. I got a little bit too excited when I saw that one of the main characters was named Chizuru. Chizuru is one of the characters of Kimi Ni Todoke, my favourite anime.

In all, 82/100.

I hope that this review will be able to help you with your future fanfictions!

All the best,

Chindee.