Reviewer: Chindee

Now playing: Easy by Beast

Title: 5/5

The title fits the story perfectly!

Poster: 10/10

I absolutely love the poster, it clearly shows the title and characters clearly. I also liked how there was a small description of the story included.

Description and Foreword: 8/10

The description and foreword were also both quite well done. There are just some minor grammatical errors that caused me to deduct points.

Plot: 7/10

The plot was so adorable! It’s a great oneshot for Christmas. The plot seemed to be more fluff than an actual story line though.

Originality: 11/15

Although the storyline was quite original, making the female lead have a disability with a male that is deeply in love with her have been quite overused.

Flow: 8/10

The flow of the story was quite steady and slow, it went well with the Christmas feel.

Grammar/ vocabulary/punctuation/spelling: 10/20

The main reason for deducted points was either punctuation or vocabulary. Spelling was done really well. J

 “her white cheeks” – Different vocabulary, possibly? Seems a little racist, maybe ‘pale’ is a more appropriate word.

“even if she was on wheels.” – That sounds really harsh and blunt, I’m not sure if you were going for that kind of feeling but if not you could say ‘even though she has a disability’.

“I don’t dare turning around” – Doesn’t make sense, ‘I don’t dare to turn around’.

“I don’t dare turning around; I would never be able to stay strong in front of her, I would fall for her eyes, I wouldn’t be able to resist her.”– That’s a really long sentence. You should break it into two sentences, such as ‘I don’t dare to turn around, I would never be able to stay strong in front of her. I would fall for her eyes; they make it impossible for me to resist her.’ Something along those lines.

“Helping her out of her ice wall when she got into the accident, I fell deeply in love with her, but it seems like the only thing she loves or has time for is, Jinbei her brother.”– Same thing, too long for a sentence. Break the sentence into two. ‘While helping her out of her ice wall, when she got into the accident, I fell deeply in love with her. However, it seems like the only thing she loves or has time for is Jinbei, her brother’.

“Thanks to Miliyah’s parents for spreading the holiday spirit and cheer, the neighbors all started celebrating Christmas, the streets would be filled with Christmas lights and the pine trees around the neighborhood would be decorated.” – Again using a comma to connect two sentences together. ‘Thanks to Miliyah’s parents for spreading the holiday spirit and cheer, the neighbours all started celebrating Christmas. The streets would be filled with Christmas lights and the pines trees around the neighborhood would be decorated.’

“I’ve never noticed that Miliyah can swim.” – Wrong vocabulary, ‘can’ should be replaced with ‘could’.

“And the fact that she can’t swim now, must be unbearable, but at the same time, I felt that I have so many things I don’t know about her…I sighed, no wonder she feels that she’s not ready. I’m not either.” – ‘Can’t’ should be replaced with ‘couldn’t’. You connected two sentences using a comma again. ‘And the fact that she couldn’t swim now, must be unbearable. Yet at the same time, I felt that I have so many things I don’t know about her… I sighed, now wonder she feels that she’s not ready. I’m not either.’

“there were only hurt in her eyes” – Incorrect tense used. ‘Were’ should be replaced with ‘was’.

“I placed her hand to my lips, just for only one moment, I still want to pretend that she’s mine, and that she’s a cute girl that just got a confession from a gentle man.” – Connecting two sentences together. ‘I placed her hand to my lips, only just for a moment. I still want to pretend that she’s mind and that she’s just a cute girl that got a confession from a gentleman.’

“sad that the warm hand is not in mines anymore.” – Replace ‘the’ with ‘her’ and delete the ‘s’ after ‘mine’.

“and out the big window” – Replace ‘out’ with ‘outside’.

“Live no regrets and live happily” – There should be a ‘with’ between ‘Live’ and ‘no’.

“invited us to go slay-riding” – You misspelt ‘sleigh’.

“come in and surround the bed” – Wrong tense used. The correct way should be, ‘came in and surrounded the bed’.

“I will tell you guys tonight. On the party okay?” – ‘On’ should be replaced with ‘at’.

“how they use to” – Needs to be in past tense, so it should be ‘how they used to’.

“And the bad thoughts are all melted away!” – Replacing ‘are’ with ‘have’ might help the sentence to make more sense.

You sometimes have problems between present and past tense, as well as problems with creating really long sentences. Other than that, well done!

Writing style: 8/10

I feel as though you are still lacking in descriptions of the events and the setting for the story.

Overall enjoyment: 7/10

I really enjoy cute and fluffy stories, so I really enjoyed your story. However, there were some parts of your story that were quite cliché but still adorable!

In all, 74/100.

I hope that this review is able to help you with your future fanfictions!

All the best,

Chindee.